GETTING STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rachel r · Post by **rachel r** » Tue Aug 05, 2003 6:37 pm

Hi Haven;t been on here for the last week or so as lost my nana last weekend (thank God, I was able to tell her I was pregnant before she went, which made her so happy). Hope you're all ok and you bigger ones aren't suffering too much in the heat. What im about to say is going to sound so awful is untrue but im getting so anxious about it, ive started grinding my teeth in my sleep. Basically, (you may want to make yourself a cup of tea before reading this as I;ll be whittering, or failing that, turn the computer off and go and watch telly!!!), this will be the first grandchild and I know its so important for the grandparents to feel involved but already I feel like its a competition as to which granny to be can provide the most. my mum and dad gave us money to put towards a nursery, Rob's mum is buying us a pram (which when I told my mum she made out that i'd already told her (whihc I hadn't) and was really disinterested. Rob's mum is knitting, whihc is very sweet of her, but because my mum can't knit, she says she's "lining up" all her friends to knit, and its like she feels she'll be outdone by Rob's mum. and I just really want to tell the pair of them that i don't even bloody like home-knitted stuff!!!! Also, when I tell my mum about things, like my early scan and stuff, she can't help but comment that that wasn't what so-and-so's daughter had blah blah blah, and she makes me feel so inadequate and like im doing stuff wrong. Yesterday, after my nana's funeral, we went for a meal, and my dad was joking about eating for two, so I said, that it was a myth and that you didn't have to eat for two. mother pipes up with "oh, rachel doesn't believe in eating for two" really sarcastically. I just feel she's being really spiteful about things. The whole way thorugh the treatment, all I got was that a friend's daughter was going through it, and she wasn't at all stressed, and she was taking it all in her stride and it made me feel so awful, like I couldln't cope with things. She keeps going on about how when she had me and my sister, she had 355 jobs (ok, slight exaggeration but she reckons she had loads) and the house was always tidy and dinner was always cooked for dad when he got home and she makes out she was supermum. (funnily enough, from my memories, supermum she most definitely wasn't). I feel like when our baby is born, she'll be on hand all the time to tell me im doing it wrong, and not like she did, and not like any of her friends children have done it and so I said to Rob last night that I want to move house to the other end of the country just to take the pressure off. Surely when you become a mum, you should be told you're doing a wonderful job and coping well, even if its not how that person did it. Maybe im too much of an idealist and expect her to support me. Anyway, on the basis that this has made me cry and probably bored you lot to sleep, im off for a good sob and feel sorry for myself. LOL Rachel x

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 9:09 am

Oh Rachel, You poor thing, this is the last thing you want right now. you definitely need to take some time out away from them. Firstly you are not alone in having family who don't support you - when I was telling my mum about having donor IUI I might as well have been telling her I was on the game the disgusted look she had on her face (she's 71 and doesn't believe in messing with nature), and so we didn't tell her about any treatment - she still doesn't know the last cycle worked - I'm only 7 weeks but I'm dreading telling her and when the time comes will be bracing myself for whatever critisism she thinks up first. Secondly, you don't want to be moving away because you might need their help and I'm sure they will be willing to give it if required. However, and this is the real hard part, you need to make it clear to them that it is on your terms (as in you and dh) - you are the ones having the baby and you will do it your way and there is nothing they can do about it. Visits will be restricted to when you are ready and you'd prefer them to keep their critisism to themselves (but if they are anything like my mum, this'll go in one ear and out the other) I do sympathise with you, but you have to believe in yourself and get what you want. Good Luck and hope the stress levels come down real soon lots of love Fiona xxx

max · Post by **max** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 10:21 am

Rachel I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this, particularly having such good news in getting pg. Families including mine can be such a nightmare, and really insensitive to the things that matter. Given that I'm one of five siblings, where children arrived without much thought (quite frankly!)there has never been a great deal of interest in our problems either before or after we conceived. So as Fiona says, be strong and let people know what help YOU want. If they are squabbling or being a pain, tell them. Certainly do not let them stress you out. It is a stressful enough process without other people's selfishness getting in your way. Surround yourself with those that really want to help and those that want to celebrate what should be a happy time. After all it's what you went through treatment for. Take care of you and your precious baby by keeping negative people away. GOOD LUCK Max

Susi · Post by **Susi** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 2:34 pm

Hi Rachel, Families really can be weird... When i told my mother that I was pregant I asked her to please not tell EVERYONE she knows, since I could still miscarry until 12 weeks and then she would have to "undo" all the good news. Her reply was ' Well i don't know why you say that ,you could miscarry at 6 or 7 months if that's you worry ' Thanks a bunch Mum .. real encouragement there. So you see they all act different.. and all we really want is a nice hug and reassuring words that it'll be alright. Your situation really does sound like a competition but maybe they all don't realise this ? What if you told them how it appears? They may get upset at the suggestion but you need to take care of yourself first n foremost. Families ! Well good luck and tell them what you need ok ?It is hard but you will feel better for telling. Susi

Susi · Post by **Susi** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 2:34 pm

Hi Rachel, Families really can be weird... When i told my mother that I was pregant I asked her to please not tell EVERYONE she knows, since I could still miscarry until 12 weeks and then she would have to "undo" all the good news. Her reply was ' Well i don't know why you say that ,you could miscarry at 6 or 7 months if that's you worry ' Thanks a bunch Mum .. real encouragement there. So you see they all act different.. and all we really want is a nice hug and reassuring words that it'll be alright. Your situation really does sound like a competition but maybe they all don't realise this ? What if you told them how it appears? They may get upset at the suggestion but you need to take care of yourself first n foremost. Families ! Well good luck and tell them what you need ok ?It is hard but you will feel better for telling. Susi

alison p · Post by **alison p** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 3:57 pm

Hi Rachel, I really feel sorry for you and your hubby - especially after what you've been through to get pregnant. People can be so insensitive. You have to be selfish here and thînk only about yourself for the next 9 months. I know it's difficult to ignore them (unfortunately you cann't chose your family), but could your hubby have a word with your mum and dad and let them know how much they're upsetting you? After all, your hormones are all over the place at the moment - you wouldn't want to say something that you regretted! Sorry I couldn't be more help! I amazed how many of the others also seem to be having trouble with their parents. I consider myself lucky that my mum and dad are so supportive - I'm an only child, so first grandchild, and my mum wnet through lots to get me, so I suppose she knows who precious my baby is. However, she did get a bit over excited at the beginning and told the world before 12 weeks and also threatened to start knitting things. I told her on no uncertain terms that I didn't want anything knitting! I hope she got the message. Good luck with this difficult situation - remember to look after yourself and your baby. Let us know how you get on, Alison xx

Helen G · Post by **Helen G** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 5:08 pm

Hi Rachel I hope you're feeling a bit brighter than you were this morning!!

Families - they can be a bloody nightmare! I agree with the others, if you can, it would be really good to let them know how they are making you feel and let them know that this is yours and dh's baby - things have to be on your terms, not theirs! I know it's easier said than done to not let them stress you out but try and think about how happy you and dh are now - sod the family!! take care LOL Helen xx

rachel r · Post by **rachel r** » Wed Aug 06, 2003 5:53 pm

Thanks all of you, and you're all right in what you say. This is our baby and we'll say what goes! Just sad that for so many of us, we have unsupportive families, but then you really can't choose them! So thank God for friends (or at least the one's who stuck around when we went through the treatment - loads turned out to be unsure of what friendship means, but they can bugger off!) and of course you lot, without whom I'd go totally potty. At the end of the day, it won't be us who miss out, it;ll be them! LOL Rachel x

KirstyC · Post by **KirstyC** » Thu Aug 07, 2003 4:40 am

Hi Rachel, Just wanted to add that you can't choose your family!! Your mum probably means well underneath it all, but it must be difficult for you to see that at times! Try not to let her comments get to you. Remember this mantra 'In with anger- out with love!' I say this whenever people rile me. (doesn't always work but worth a go!) You have come a long way to get here so don't let this spoil your happiness and your pregnancy. Enjoy your nine months and don't let the B*&%!"£$s get you down! Lots of love Kirsty xx

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Thu Aug 07, 2003 8:54 am

Rachel don;t know what to say but wanted to say think of yourself - you have been through so much and I want you to enjoy this time not get hassled. My parents and Ian's are fine - mine are very excited but live nearly 2 hours away so we are not the sort to always be in each others way. Mum can't wait to start buying and I know she did at 8 weeks! My inlaw's are 1.5 hours away and dh already has 2 children that they have at times rammed down my throat so I could kill them - they are better now after we spoke to them. My mother can and has been in the past quite insensitive - I wavered between wondering if she did it on purpose of if it was without thinking. She is fine at the moment - probably the weather and hoping it stays that way - take care and sorry I can be no help but will always listen to you moan. Tell them to back off and let you do things your own way. Love Tracey xxx

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