The truth is, my boyfriend and I concieved. At first it was scarey. We are not married, we live together and discuss marriage but nothing is set in stone. We talked about it a lot and started to get excited. I HAD ACTUALLY NATURALLY CONCIEVED! I was so happy that my first doctor was wrong!!! I was at three weeks TO THE DAY when I found out! One of my good friends came over the next day and we were talking about how I figured I needed to take a PT. She decided to take one too, she was pregnant too! We started talking every day and thinking of names and how to juggle these little lives as young as we are. I am 19 (soon to be 20) and she is 20.
The whole family became excited! It was to be the first grand-baby on both sides.
I went to my first pre-natal a week after finding out (so at 4 weeks since conception). My mother, who rarely gets along with me, had driven up with presents over 100 miles to be with me. I went in for the internal ultrasound and I could only hear my heartbeat. They ran blood tests and determined that the pregnancy was terminated. I had miscarried. My only sign was I had extreme bouts of tiredness but I had associated that with 1st trimester development...
I didn't tell my mom or grandma (who had come up also) and just said, "There's a problem and they aren't sure" even though I knew. I drove home alone holding my breath. I got here to see all the baby presents mom had left and to find my dog had broken her leg and my boyfriends mother had taken her to get surgery. His mother thought I was crying over the dog. Sure I was. I felt like a horrible mother. I killed my baby and broke my dog's leg... great...I didn't tell her about the miscarriage.
A few minutes later my bf and his dad show up from work. He was mad that I had left the dog out and when he started yelling and the neighbors were coming over to see how the dog was I just blurted out "We lost the baby" and ran for the house.
It hurt so bad to say it out loud. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman or a baby. I wanted to die. I really did.
A little later in the week I was still very tired so I went back to my family doctor who ran tests and determined I had EBV (a virus like mono) and said that the virus was probably what caused the miscarriage. At first this seemed like a consolation but even know I feel like because I was too stupid to notice the symptoms, I killed my child.
It still really hurts. I've given away a lot of baby things that I got but the ones I still have remind me of all that hope that was shattered. I don't want to get rid of the things because 1 I don't want to act like it never happened, and 2 I really like a lot of the things and would like to use them for the next time.
The doctor said I could go the rest of my life not mentioning to anyone that I was pregnant and it wouldn't make a difference...mostly because I knew it before I "should have" (four weeks and I found out at three) and it was gone before I shoudl have been able to tell.
It just hurts so bad. I'm on Zoloft now but when I think about the little one, nothing helps the pain.
It sounds stupid to those who haven't experienced it. I've heard things like, "You couldn't even feel it" "You had just found out" "It's for the best" "Oh, you all are too young" "You weren't ready" "It was barely even alive at that stage anyway"...people just don't get that that was my BABY. It was my future. It was a part of me and the man that I have chosen to commit my life to.
But it's been a few months now and I think I'm ready to really heal and be here for you all.
I'm sorry fo rbeing gone so long but... i needed some time...
But I'm starting to have the SAME problems with my ovaries and uterus again.. so I guess the baby didn't change any of that...
Thanks for the support guys!
~Brittany
