Oct 05 Cycle Buddies

[camilla]

Oh Jen, I don't believe it. So sorry. I'm so upset for you and DH.

Much love
Camilla

[lolajones]

Oh Jen

I'm with you love, why is this happening????

You must be furious. I am furious - it doesn't make sense to me.

I know you must feel it but please don't be despondent - remember the miracles. You deserve that miracle

Scream at the unfairness until you're blue in the face then come and chat to us - we're all here for you sweetie.

Thinking of you
Lola
xxxxxx

[lolajones]

Hey
Just checking in to see how Jen is.
Thinking of you sweetie
xxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Still in my pj's and friends have invited us round but i cant even move never mind socialise.

I feel numb and cant stop crying. I wasnt like that last time but i cant see anyway forward for us. We have 2 embies but if the best ones didnt work then neither will the last 2. It doesnt look good for us now and i feel we are at the end of the road. So much for IM having great success rates. I am being continually told, once i get good eggs then my luck will cange. Well now we have young eggs of the best quality and it still hasnt worked. If we had the money i would try every month until it worked. Its so hard seeing dh, he plods along like everything is ok as he expects the neg result now but i know he is hurting. He keeps telling me he wants me but i know he longs for a baby and i'm stopping him having that and i feel awful. I just think its a waste of time now and just want to leave this shit world, never felt like this before but i cant live with this pain all my life. Dont want to watch others in the street or people i know getting pregnant, watching bumps, having babies, feeling sorry for me and longing for a baby---there will be constant pain in my heart and i'm stopping dh moving on.

I'm so mad with IM to. I wanted a hysteroscopy but they said i didnt need one, now they say they want to do one before next ET. They should have done it last time with the doppler, like i said then they wouldnt hav wasted my 2 embies.

Sorry to rant on but i have never felt so low through all my times of ivf and i cant see this ever working for us--------ever.

Thank you all for your support, you have been fab.

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

Jen
Its completely appropriate that you feel like that. You've gone through so much these past years and I know you feel angry and hurt.
Don't think of you and dh separately, you married eachother because you love eachother, you BOTH want children, you are BOTH hurting, it is NOT YOUR FAULT, it just is.
Get the facts from IM - what tests they recommend. You have your two frosties. Are you still seeing the counsellor? You need support. You need pampering and nursing. You need a break - you haven't been on holiday since I've known you. Please try not to beat yourself up about this.
As we've always said here, one foot in front of the other and your eyes on the horizon is the only way to get through these tough bits. You will come out the other side and you will be happy.
Take care of yourself
Lola
xxxxx

[little R]

Dearest Jen,

As Lola's says, it's completely natural to feel the way you are feeling.
I don't know what to say... I feel so very much for you as your feelings are so familiar.

It's NOT your fault and your beloved DH married you for you. Jen.
Of course, he wants kids...but so do you as you have proven time and time again by constantly trying and never once giving up. Your DH wants children but he wants you more.

There's nothing to say in terms of the anger and pain you are dealing with right now. I hope you can talk to someone about it and get the support you need. You're one tough cookie as you have demonstrated over the years...but having some help never hurts. We know how strong you are and you'll get through this and make the decisions that are best for you.

I am so sorry, Jen.... I hurt for you.

Please try and take care...

MUCH MUCH love,

Littles

[Jen1d]

Hi

Well that firm email to IM must have worked as Dr Guix just rang. She said its our decision about having a hysteroscopy or ET but they would advise to check everything out first. She said our embies are good and wouldnt have been frozen if they werent good grade or developing well so i must keep positive hahaha. Got upset on the phone and she was trying to encourage us to get checked first then go for ET. She said there is nothing that they can see stopping me getting pregnant, i have just been unlucky----------bloody understatement.

Feel so sad and unhappy, cant get motivated to move on this time

Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

HI JenBud,
just sent you an e-mail. But wanted to say that if you are not ready to move on yet, then don't. Take a pause if you need it. Afterall, embies are FROZEN in time But remember that you are superwoman and can handle anything! steely lady! our tough nutter Jens! You will have your dreams.. no doubt you deserve them.

Loops- what the haps with you? what's new in LoopyLolaLand? have you heard anything new on your and hubby genetics?

Walsher- so good to hear from you! trip sounds shake-a-tail feather fab. miss you!!!!!

Littles- how is your cycle going? how are you dealing with it?

as for me.. mad woman walking continues. I am off again tommorrow for more work travel. but will be keeping a close eye on you crazies!

tush push
Steph

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Am still struggling and get quite tearful. Went out today for the first time to tescos, couldnt cope with the new babies so went home. Cant even manage to talk to anyone on the phone but today my good friend called and we had a chat, i managed to keep it together---just. Then J (my ex keychild) who is like a son to us, rang me to see how i was and that was it, i got tearful but he did the talking so dont know if he suspected anything. Poor thing sent me a tx after, saying he has missed me and not to worry as i have him. We are fortunate to have found each other but ----and i feel terrible saying this but we want a child of our own. I love him like my own but i want to be pregnant.

Anyway my consultant from home and my Dr from IM rang and looks like i will have a hysteroscopy either 9th Nov or Dec, this will be confirmed Thur or Fri then ET can go ahead after this. At the moment i just feel its a waste of time but we have to be grateful we have 2 embies, so have to try.

DH is being a rock and we are having lots of chats and cuddles, would be lost without him. He keeps reasuring me that he would rather have me than a baby but keeps saying we will try as long as we are both strong enough as we want a baby together.

Anyway thats about it. Back at work tomorrow and dreading it. Keep getting headaches and not sleeping well, probably stress. Dr wanted to sign me off work but whats the point, i would love to hide away at home but it will make me worse and i could easily become depressed. Maybe after a few days at work i will be ok, if not i will take the line from the Dr.

Ok going to watch bringing up baby and sob the night away or get mad at them moaning------dont know how lucky they are.

Thinking of you all and thanks for keeping me going

Lots of love

Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi

Just home and you wont be surprised to know i had another shit day.

Had pains in my tum last night, which i never get. Anyway got up this morning af is here
Then on my way to training i got a call from the consultants secretary to say my op would be on Dec 9th---burst into tears when i put the phone down as i wanted it in Nov as they said yesterday. Now i wont be able to have ET until Jan. I might get a cancellation but with our luck at the moment, i'm not holding my breath.

Then got to my CALM training (restraints), only to be told we cant go home at 1, all staff have to complete the 8hr shift so i had to go to work after it. Nearly died as i feel so crap and cant face it, plus i didnt sleep well again.

Anyway, pottered off to work, furious they have changed the rules and never told us. When i got there a member of staff said i looked as if i was going to cry---told her not to ask or i will---then everyone started to feel sorry for me but thankfully all that fuss was distracted in 10 mins as my 'prossie *****' yp was having another kick off and threw a book at me---well i jumped out of the chair and she never flew so fast down the corridor (my training refresher came in handy), her feet didnt touch the ground. Just the mood i'm in---know its to early to go back to work with these yp, different if i worked in an office or something but i cant sit depressed at home. Dont know whats wrong with me this time---i feel so miserable. Thankfully my boss let me go early although she has never asked me yet if i'm ok.

So now at home and just had a few tears, going to put my pj's on and chill.

I am thinking of you all and feel a bit selfish for talking about me just now but i am so drained and tired. Sorry, i will chat more soon.

Love Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

Hi Girlie Twirlies...

Jens- I know you feel like absolute mush, but I think you are doing absolutely fabulous for all that you have been through.. You are allowing yourself to be sad, talking and cuddling with hubby, letting him reassure you and trying to get back to life but realizing it is going to take time to get over this latest blow. You may not feel like it, but you are being so strong. I am so proud of you. Even better- you are still talking and venting. Don't ever apologize for posting all about you- you are the one that needs it right now. I am so glad that we can all be here for you. As for the tests being delayed until Dec- well, it is crap when you just want to do it now. But, try to use the extra time to get back your kick arse attitude. Then you can go into frozen cycle ready to kick booty!! Maybe snow bunnies just need a little extra snooze in the snow!?! No worries.. spankys with flashing neon sign will still be available in January... and remember- feeling like you will never get through this IS part of getting through this. You are doing fabulous! Keep venting- we will listen. ALWAYS.

Loops- where did you go... off on another secret spy me up mission with Demmy? Did you go off to find Jens magic sticky dust? Grab some for the rest of the group too! You can store it in a container that looks like a lipstick to get back over the border. Or have Demmy put it in his pocket.. is that a lipstick or are you happy to see me? Demmy is always happy to see you... rrraaaarrrrr... Have you adjusted to being back from your trip yet? back to the daily life living... wouldn't life be fab if we could always be on holiday. .. oh and I never answered you.. Columbus Day is the day that Christopher Columbus discovered Americas shores... And yes, we do celebrate anything to have a day off...

Littles- where are you in your cycle.. would be glad to cheer you on if knew more details.. luck!

Walshy... still missin the luv machine!

Camilla- Octos secret member.. hi YA.

no new news from me... how boring am I! although- have begun new workout.. have you ever seen the TurboJam infomercial? my sister bought it and let me borrow the cd's- although I usually hate workout videos (would rather be in a yoga studio or outside) I actually like these. The girl isn't one of those annoying barbie doll types who doesn't actually sweat during the entire workout.. she sweats and is little kooky- which I love of course. if anyone is looking for a good stress reliever and workout in one- try it. You punch and kick for an hour@!

hugs to the mugs
steph

[little R]

My Octopals,

Not sure where to begin...it's been a hectic time here.
I haven't wanted to post as didn't really want to share my news when sweet Jen was doing so poorly. Additionally, I haven't really had much "me" time to sit and post...this doesn't mean that Jen is not in my thoughts.

I figured out that a very good friend here was pregnant...which really brought me down as it was nice to have a friend who wasn't pregnant or had children. I didn't have time to process it really though as I had to take her to the ER and she ended up being in the ICU for a night. I stayed with her as her DH was abroad; it's horrible to be in hospital alone...anyway, she's better now but her DH was gone for nearly a week so I watched over her until he got back.
It was all quite draining but took my mind of me which wasn't a bad thing

My news... well I am still stimming, it's Day 10 and I am going for a scan on Sunday to see whether the follies are coming along...I'm getting quite uncomfortable so should soon be there.
I had a UTI 3 weeks ago and the first round of antibiotics did not clear it up.... so was given another round...but I am not quite certain that it has cleared it either. The whole thing stresses me out. I am going to see the doctor again on Monday...but feel like I am running out of time and don't want to have this for the EC or ET. I know it doesn't sound like much but I have been plagued with these UTIs for the past 18months and it's wearing me down, I hate having to taking antibiotics. IVF is hard enough as it is without having other crap thrown at you.... end of vent!
Obviously after taking antiobiotics for nearly 2 weeks I have developed a yeast infection . I don't know it seems to be one thing after the other ...so I have been in and out of clinics for the past 2 weeks... end of moan!

Despite all of this, I'm actually quite positive about the treatment and have a good feeling, but given the hormones that may not last I guess I feel that I am approaching this all differently and feel more laid-back. I have no idea why as this is probably my last shot.

I'll give more news about the cycle when I have been for the scan on Sunday.
Enough about me....

Jen, you have been in my thoughts these past few days. I think you're remarkable and so strong... it seems that you are coping and not letting yourself drift off into the "blues"... I am really sorry about the setback with the op...you want to just get on with it all and get your baby and yet there is another hurdle..... I am so sorry you are having to deal with this... it's just so unfair.

Steph, thank you for saying that you'll be there... don't feel like I deserve it really as I have been off the boards for such a long time. Sounds like you are having fun with the workouts, kicks and punches... How's the little one doing? I think of you when I watch Grey's....

Lola, where art though? Your posts are always hilarious...what does it feel like to be so talented !

Walshy, well she's quite the globetrotter and I immensely enjoyed your detailed email. I'll try and get back to you soon.

Camilla, take care of your little family...thank you for being so sensitive to our feelings...

Well, got to get dinner now....

MUCH MUCH love to you all,

Littles

[lolajones]

Ahoy!
Jemla - listen to the girls - you are very strong and this sh*t at the moment is just that. Put your wellie boots on and wade on through it because daisies are around the corner amiga. Don't feel bad about feeling bad, every single emotion you have at the moment is appropriate and valid - you have had an ass few years and have not yet received your reward for trogging on through it. Sometimes feeling as bad as you do is made worse by feeling that it is wrong to be down or depressed - rubbish. It is normal! Consider yourself vindicated! December will come quickly my love and then frosties a go-go! Power to you loved one xxxxx

Littles - you are a little petrie dish my sweet! Do not worry, all infections will get the f outta dodge just in time for embryo retrieval and then, la la la, you will be at the helm of the octo05 wave of pregnancy - it will be a birthing tsunami! Am excited about your scan - shall we start a follie sweepstake???

Steph - workout vids, hmmm, you are so fit! I am a lazy lardy I'm afraid. Columbus day indeed. Bet you are looking forward to Bush Day
So how's little Faith? Haven't had any photos for a while....

Hollah to Walsh and Camilla x

ManI've been so busy lately and think that Operation: Distraction From Void has been a little too successful. My Spanish is going backwards, my teacher often looks at me with utter confusion when I'm chatting on in my ridiculolingua. But you know what? A smile means the same in any language so I just do that. My art class is still good - we get a muscle bound dude next week in the nuddo - although I shudder to think what I'll do with it. Might just opt for the smile tactic again. Whilst holding a willow charcoal enigmatically like a French cigarette and staring at his wherewithall. Me n dh have also been hoodwinked into become events organisers for that car club.... a bridge too far.

On the whole fert front - one of my best friends informed me she's pregnant. I hate her and I told her so. She thought I was joking but ha ha! many a true thing said in jest!!! Anyway, thats 4 people close to me who are up le duff. Grrrrr. Finally finally the Lav's sec got in touch (4 phonecalls later......) with the genetic folks details so we have an appointment on Monday..... alien DNA alert! Glad to get things moving but concerned about outcome. Same old same old eh ladies?

OK amigos! I'm off to sort my wardrobe - have been filling the baby gap with muchos clothes - I am a spendaholic. will end up in jail... hee heee

love to you all and some booty wiggle to top it off, ya feel me?
Lola
xxxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Littles - Hope your doing ok with your cycle, you sound really positive, good on you. good luck for your scan tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

Loops - What are you on lol. Had a look at your photo after your last post and you just dont look that mad haha. Hope everything goes will for Monday, good luck, will log on to read your good news.

Steph - Hope your not working to hard. What you been up to? Stop exercising so much, you made me feel bad.

Walshy and Camilla - hi, think of you both often and hope to hear from you soon.

Just want to thanks you all for your kindness, have been struggling so much this time and i'm still raw and emotional but i'm a tough cookie so will get through this crap and go get my last 2 frosties.

Unfortunately dh is working this morning then i start at 3 on a dreaded sleepover, so dont finish until 3.30pm tomorrow afternoon. I am not looking forward to it as its so stressful just now--the kids are being brats, plus we have 4 new staff and the consitency in the unit has fallen. We have a team building day on Wed and some ass kicking will have to take place. Wish i could just chill in my pj's with X-Factor blaring.

Shift last night wasn't to bad as i was on with two staff who have been there quite a few years so we were able to chill. Sorted out the Xmas rota but sure someone will moan. Then got a call from John, (ex keychild--like a son) he was out with his mates and although not drunk, was tipsy. Anyway he made my night and brought a smile (difficult at the moment), he kept saying he loved me so much and is glad he found me. I kept laughing as he as he only get so emotional when he has had a pint. Anyway it made me realise we are both so lucky to find each other and although i want my own child, i have one alrady and know i can adopt and love another child like my own, but it has to be young so we can bond well and not an older child.

Anyway will stop muttering on, enjoy your weekend,

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

Hey guys

Well, had the genetics appointment this morning - pppppffffffff, feeling a bit flat to be honest.
She went over the test results and basically we are no further forward. Its not a typical type of abnormality that they see and so she could give no risk percentages of what having this means in terms of fertility. It could be absolutely irrelevant or it could mean dh can never have children or anything in between those extremes.
So. Next step is talking this through with dh's parents and asking them to have genetic tests and then see where that gets us. After that is PGD. This is all going to cost thousands of pounds as well as the absolute assness of it all. To say I am unhappy would be understating it somewhat. I have had enough of problem after problem my friends. Really. I think what's made me feel bad is having to go over my fertility history. seeing it all written down really brings it home how hard the last 3 years have been and how we are still not even on the first rung of the ladder.
Anyway. Anyway, anyway, anyway. One step in front of the other.

Hope you guys are feeling ok and sorry to be so bleugh
Laters dudes

Lola
xxxxxxx