Are any of you out there a stepmom that has not had any children but has married a man with kids? That would be me, and I am sure I am not alone. So, go figure, did not think we would be having this problem, right? It gets has been really difficult during the time prior to the fertility doctor because, and of course this could be all my emotions, but I felt like he was not in a hurry and sometimes felt like he could care less if we had one because he already has two of his own. I told him once, you don't know how it feels to be me because you have two natural children of your own so put yourself in my shoes. He has gotten better about not getting so frustrated with the baby making process.
But, and I did not mean to bring a totally new problem into this same post. My husband smokes. I used to smoke, but I quit before all of the fertility stuff. He keeps saying he is going to quit but he won't. He sits outside with his laptop hours on end and smokes and is not very active. I got him to at least wearing boxer shorts instead of tighty whiteys, but he does not show any concern for his own health, so how can I say that he definitely wants to have another child. Any suggestions or advice on this matter, would be greatly appreciated. I know that smoking and lack of exercise are not the one thing that caused male factor infertility, but it does not help it get better. This is not all about just having a baby either. I married this man to live the rest of my life with, not to watch him die on a ventilator because he just did not feel like quitting smoking.
Ok, enough venting. I have been trying to stay positive this 2ww and this morning, I just woke up in a mood.
Thanks for listening.
Stepmom's wanting a baby with him too.
Stepmom's wanting a baby with him too.
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10720;35/st/20081027/n/Emily+and+Ryan+are/k/b9bb/age.png[/img]
I have experience of this!! my partner has 2 children (arghhh teenagers) that live with us half the week and i feel that he also does not fully comprehend the struggle of IVF as he has 2 children of his own!!
I think that if you and your partner dont have any children then you go through the experience together, however if they do you sort of do it on your own emotionally - thats my opinion!!
I think that if you and your partner dont have any children then you go through the experience together, however if they do you sort of do it on your own emotionally - thats my opinion!!
1st IVF Nov 05 -ve
FET March 05 -ve
FET July 05 -ve,
2nd IVF cycle May 06 - cancelled due to OHSS
3rd IVF cycle September 06 - 20 frosties
FET January 2007 -ve
FET March 2007 -ve
FET May 2007 -ve
FET July 2007 -ve
FET September 2007??
FET March 05 -ve
FET July 05 -ve,
2nd IVF cycle May 06 - cancelled due to OHSS
3rd IVF cycle September 06 - 20 frosties
FET January 2007 -ve
FET March 2007 -ve
FET May 2007 -ve
FET July 2007 -ve
FET September 2007??
hey there stephjim................i could have written EVERY word you typed here! 
my situation is even a little MORE complicated in that my dh is 20 years older than me........so couple that w/ the fact that he has 2 teenage boys from prior marriage (14 & 16 --- we have shared custody and they are really amazing kids.....could not have "ordered" any better!!!) anyway - my dh smokes as well -- has all his life...........i'm not a saint --- i also smoked -- until we got ready to start this whole ivf stuff --- and i quit, cold turkey (thought it was going to be MUCH harder because dh con't smoking.....but amazingly --- i learned what a strong woman i am!!! it helps that we dont'/never smoked INSIDE.....always out - no matter the weather)........anyway........when we got married (4 years ago) he KNEW that a child (of OURS) was part of "my" agenda......and eventhough he's 20 years older ---- it wasn't an issue!!! until i suggested stopping the pill and he about had a fit!!!! we came very close to divorce.....VERY early on in our relationship.........finally he conceded.......off the pill i went.... and 3 years later ---- STILL ttc!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the whole ivf thing was VERY invasive for him --- espcially considering the "jacking-action" he was required to do for all the tests leading UP to ivf and then the day of the egg retrieval.....(it is still us women who go thru MUCH more.....)...... so - we went thru 1st round ivf in august 07 ---- got chemical bfn
if all goes well, hoping for round 2 in january..........
i feel your pain though..........my dh just didn't "get" why it was so important to me to have "our" child......"aren't my boys good enough......don't i give you what you need??" --- not the case at all!!!! i've heard it all from him..........he didn't get that i wanted a part of "us" a part of "him" w/ me always.......FORTUNATELY - we've worked thru that crap...... but it was not easy.......
GOOD LUCK TO YOU on your journey......if you ever need/want to talk --- i'm out here bouncing around everywhere!!! and feel free to "pm" me as well.......
take care........
my situation is even a little MORE complicated in that my dh is 20 years older than me........so couple that w/ the fact that he has 2 teenage boys from prior marriage (14 & 16 --- we have shared custody and they are really amazing kids.....could not have "ordered" any better!!!) anyway - my dh smokes as well -- has all his life...........i'm not a saint --- i also smoked -- until we got ready to start this whole ivf stuff --- and i quit, cold turkey (thought it was going to be MUCH harder because dh con't smoking.....but amazingly --- i learned what a strong woman i am!!! it helps that we dont'/never smoked INSIDE.....always out - no matter the weather)........anyway........when we got married (4 years ago) he KNEW that a child (of OURS) was part of "my" agenda......and eventhough he's 20 years older ---- it wasn't an issue!!! until i suggested stopping the pill and he about had a fit!!!! we came very close to divorce.....VERY early on in our relationship.........finally he conceded.......off the pill i went.... and 3 years later ---- STILL ttc!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the whole ivf thing was VERY invasive for him --- espcially considering the "jacking-action" he was required to do for all the tests leading UP to ivf and then the day of the egg retrieval.....(it is still us women who go thru MUCH more.....)...... so - we went thru 1st round ivf in august 07 ---- got chemical bfn
if all goes well, hoping for round 2 in january..........i feel your pain though..........my dh just didn't "get" why it was so important to me to have "our" child......"aren't my boys good enough......don't i give you what you need??" --- not the case at all!!!! i've heard it all from him..........he didn't get that i wanted a part of "us" a part of "him" w/ me always.......FORTUNATELY - we've worked thru that crap...... but it was not easy.......
GOOD LUCK TO YOU on your journey......if you ever need/want to talk --- i'm out here bouncing around everywhere!!! and feel free to "pm" me as well.......
take care........
:-) Angie
Hey Steph
Yep I know how ya feel. My dh wouldn't give up the fags either. I think you maybe fighting a up hill battle on that one. I was a smoker before the ivf started and it was hell giving up but I knew I had to. I still have huge cravings and I really feel like one being on the 2ww (it's the nerves!!)
Kery xx
Yep I know how ya feel. My dh wouldn't give up the fags either. I think you maybe fighting a up hill battle on that one. I was a smoker before the ivf started and it was hell giving up but I knew I had to. I still have huge cravings and I really feel like one being on the 2ww (it's the nerves!!)
Kery xx
Male factor
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs
April isci - Cancelled
June isci - Failed
Oct iui - BFN
Apri iui - BFP!
DS 1 year
12 yrs
my husband used to smoke, too
My husband, by the time i met him, didn't smoke that much (6 a week) but used to smoke a lot (6 a day). Anyway, the point is nothing could get him to stop, even though I showed him articles that made the link between smoking and low motility and other sperm problems. He is desperate to be a father and yet, he wouldn't make the connection. (Thank god, he exercises. So at least he's working his cardiovascular system.)
But the thing that made him stop? We got life insurance, and there's a urine test where they check for nicotine. Insurance companies don't care if you smoke one a month at a party, or smoke daily, any nicotine in your system and you get charged higher fees for a lifetime.
That got him to quit! He's 6 weeks without smoking... which is great because he's about to have to give fresh sperm for our first IVF.
But the thing that made him stop? We got life insurance, and there's a urine test where they check for nicotine. Insurance companies don't care if you smoke one a month at a party, or smoke daily, any nicotine in your system and you get charged higher fees for a lifetime.
That got him to quit! He's 6 weeks without smoking... which is great because he's about to have to give fresh sperm for our first IVF.
Me: 37 DH:40 TTC since 2005. First IVF cycle canceled. 2nd cycle BFP 1/11. DS arrived late 2008. 3rd cycle, U/s 3/7. Devastated. NO fetal pole or HB.
I had no idea that so many women on this site had similar situations. My husband has a 13yo daughter. We got married when she was 5 years old & we were both 30. I told him right from the start that I wanted children & he was OK with that but he wanted to wait for a year after we got married to start trying.
Well, we waited for a year then I stopped birth control which really panicked him & he wanted to wait longer but I refused. Then after approx 3 years of TTC with no success at all I went to a RE. All my tests came back normal but his did not. It was a real shock for him and at first he did not want to do IVF at all. I insisted that I wanted children so eventually he got on board. But he was really unsupportive through that 1st attempt. I never felt like he was excited or even "got it." After all, he had a child and liked things just the way we were. He gets to be a dad on the weekends & still be a kid through the week. I was really angry with him that he wanted to not start trying to have a baby right off after getting married because we might have had a better chance then. I think I was unfairly blaming him.
We've been through a lot since that 1st attempt, and finally I feel like he understands a little better what it's like for me. Not totally understands, but better than before. He goes to my appts with me, asks ?'s, stays involved. And it's really helped our relationship.
He doesn't smoke but he refuses to do other things that might improve his sperm like take a multivitamin or wear loose underwear. After everything I've been through & all the $ we've spent it's really frustrating.
I'm not sure how to motivate a man to quit smoking. Maybe after you've had your baby & start exercising, get your figure back, and start looking really hot again it will motivate him to start doing the same. Just drop hints like "you know, cigarettes really make you look older."
Best of luck with your 2WW and to the rest of you,
2ndtimer
Well, we waited for a year then I stopped birth control which really panicked him & he wanted to wait longer but I refused. Then after approx 3 years of TTC with no success at all I went to a RE. All my tests came back normal but his did not. It was a real shock for him and at first he did not want to do IVF at all. I insisted that I wanted children so eventually he got on board. But he was really unsupportive through that 1st attempt. I never felt like he was excited or even "got it." After all, he had a child and liked things just the way we were. He gets to be a dad on the weekends & still be a kid through the week. I was really angry with him that he wanted to not start trying to have a baby right off after getting married because we might have had a better chance then. I think I was unfairly blaming him.
We've been through a lot since that 1st attempt, and finally I feel like he understands a little better what it's like for me. Not totally understands, but better than before. He goes to my appts with me, asks ?'s, stays involved. And it's really helped our relationship.
He doesn't smoke but he refuses to do other things that might improve his sperm like take a multivitamin or wear loose underwear. After everything I've been through & all the $ we've spent it's really frustrating.
I'm not sure how to motivate a man to quit smoking. Maybe after you've had your baby & start exercising, get your figure back, and start looking really hot again it will motivate him to start doing the same. Just drop hints like "you know, cigarettes really make you look older."
Best of luck with your 2WW and to the rest of you,
2ndtimer
hi ladies
i'm in exactly the same boat and i do think its hard at times for them to understand.
cant help with the smoking bit as i have never smoked and dh gave up years ago (before we even met). having said that, he smoked like a trooper and drink alcohol like there's no tomorrow and conceived his children at the time and yet now, he doesnt smoke and hardly ever drinks and we've had nothing but trouble (hence ICSI). pretty ironic really!
anyway, the chances are if your dh's dont want to stop they wont. but would they could do is take this pill that i got my dh on. its a male factor pill from zita west's website. i'll be honest, i'm not into herbal stuff too much and herbal pills, etc but i thought we could give it a go as we had nothing to lose. and no word of a lie, dh's sperm count increased to such an extent (and motility) that the doctors mentioned how much it had improved in our second cycle. (i didnt tell them about the pills...lol)
i swear it was the pills that made the difference! so just thought i would share this with you....
the best of luck and lots of sticky baby dust to you all
xxx
i'm in exactly the same boat and i do think its hard at times for them to understand.
cant help with the smoking bit as i have never smoked and dh gave up years ago (before we even met). having said that, he smoked like a trooper and drink alcohol like there's no tomorrow and conceived his children at the time and yet now, he doesnt smoke and hardly ever drinks and we've had nothing but trouble (hence ICSI). pretty ironic really!
anyway, the chances are if your dh's dont want to stop they wont. but would they could do is take this pill that i got my dh on. its a male factor pill from zita west's website. i'll be honest, i'm not into herbal stuff too much and herbal pills, etc but i thought we could give it a go as we had nothing to lose. and no word of a lie, dh's sperm count increased to such an extent (and motility) that the doctors mentioned how much it had improved in our second cycle. (i didnt tell them about the pills...lol)
i swear it was the pills that made the difference! so just thought i would share this with you....
the best of luck and lots of sticky baby dust to you all
xxx
2nd IVF/ICSI - baby girl Elliana born 21.4.08 weighing 7lb 6.5ounces; 7 frosties left...
[img]http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471593nd9346hthf.gif[/img] to all!
[img]http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/lamlamavi20080421_-1_Elliana+is.png[/img]
[img]http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/471/471593nd9346hthf.gif[/img] to all!
[img]http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/lamlamavi20080421_-1_Elliana+is.png[/img]
shantala wrote:hi ladies
i'm in exactly the same boat and i do think its hard at times for them to understand.
cant help with the smoking bit as i have never smoked and dh gave up years ago (before we even met). having said that, he smoked like a trooper and drink alcohol like there's no tomorrow and conceived his children at the time and yet now, he doesnt smoke and hardly ever drinks and we've had nothing but trouble (hence ICSI). pretty ironic really!
anyway, the chances are if your dh's dont want to stop they wont. but would they could do is take this pill that i got my dh on. its a male factor pill from zita west's website. i'll be honest, i'm not into herbal stuff too much and herbal pills, etc but i thought we could give it a go as we had nothing to lose. and no word of a lie, dh's sperm count increased to such an extent (and motility) that the doctors mentioned how much it had improved in our second cycle. (i didnt tell them about the pills...lol)
i swear it was the pills that made the difference! so just thought i would share this with you....
the best of luck and lots of sticky baby dust to you all
xxx
I read a previous post regarding the vitamins, and I did purchase them but can't get my DH to cooperate. So, if anyone is interested in the vitamins I can donate them, the,re still in package never been tampered with just pay for the shipping.
First IVF attempt
Started stims on 8/18/07
Hcg Trigger on 8/27
ER on 8/29
schedule ET on 8/31
Cancelled cycle due to high estrogen level
11/23/07 began Protocol for FET
12/28/07 Scheduled FET
Transferred 3 now 2ww
Started stims on 8/18/07
Hcg Trigger on 8/27
ER on 8/29
schedule ET on 8/31
Cancelled cycle due to high estrogen level
11/23/07 began Protocol for FET
12/28/07 Scheduled FET
Transferred 3 now 2ww
Girls,
Like Shantala said if you can get your guys to take the vitamins, then you will improve the quality of the sperm.
My husband has 2 grown up children (now 26 & 23) from a previous marriage. He had a vasectomy and smoked. Because he had 2 children and because I could have children naturally, the state would not pay anything towards our IVFS. Consequently we payed out for everything. By the time we finished it was £31,000. I must state would every penny though because I got my two boys. How and ever, the consultant told him and I that if we continue to smoke we might as well burn the money we're spending. Even if he managed to produce sperm it would be of low quality.
So before his operation (PESE - extraction of sperm from the testicles) he had to take various vitamins..vit c & zinc, sellenium, vit E to improve quality and quit smoking (we both quit 3.5 years ago). So bless him, he did all of the above, produced excellent quality sperm 8 weeks later and we stored 7 lots enough for 7 attempts at IVF. It took us 5 to get our boys but I was pregnant on the 1st two attempts but miscarriaged.
I know how tough it is for you all. I've been there. Felt the same. Love my step kids but I'm not their mum and they could never have filled that void.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you get your babies soon.
Lisa XXX
Like Shantala said if you can get your guys to take the vitamins, then you will improve the quality of the sperm.
My husband has 2 grown up children (now 26 & 23) from a previous marriage. He had a vasectomy and smoked. Because he had 2 children and because I could have children naturally, the state would not pay anything towards our IVFS. Consequently we payed out for everything. By the time we finished it was £31,000. I must state would every penny though because I got my two boys. How and ever, the consultant told him and I that if we continue to smoke we might as well burn the money we're spending. Even if he managed to produce sperm it would be of low quality.
So before his operation (PESE - extraction of sperm from the testicles) he had to take various vitamins..vit c & zinc, sellenium, vit E to improve quality and quit smoking (we both quit 3.5 years ago). So bless him, he did all of the above, produced excellent quality sperm 8 weeks later and we stored 7 lots enough for 7 attempts at IVF. It took us 5 to get our boys but I was pregnant on the 1st two attempts but miscarriaged.
I know how tough it is for you all. I've been there. Felt the same. Love my step kids but I'm not their mum and they could never have filled that void.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you get your babies soon.
Lisa XXX
Me 37, DH 51
Twin Boys - Sean Alexander & Samuel Robert
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10714;35/st/20071004/n/Sean+and+Sam/k/20c3/age.png[/img]
Twin Boys - Sean Alexander & Samuel Robert
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10714;35/st/20071004/n/Sean+and+Sam/k/20c3/age.png[/img]
Hi there
Well I have just had a BFN - my test date is tomorrow but we tested early because my DH has gone away for 5 months today. I have pretty much lost all hope - I know there is still a chance but dont' really feel like there is.
Anyway the reason we are doing IVF/ ICSI is because of my DH's low sperm count and I was really interested to read about the vitamins you got your DH to take Shantala. And also the amazing result! Congratulations! I was just about to order some and saw that you are offering some for free Shelyn - is that offer still open? Are you sure your DH won't change his mind? If so then let me know as I would really appreciate them. One thing that I am really grateful for is that my DH is really on board with the IVF and just as keen as me to make it work. These vitamins definitely sound like they are worth a go.
Ros
Well I have just had a BFN - my test date is tomorrow but we tested early because my DH has gone away for 5 months today. I have pretty much lost all hope - I know there is still a chance but dont' really feel like there is.
Anyway the reason we are doing IVF/ ICSI is because of my DH's low sperm count and I was really interested to read about the vitamins you got your DH to take Shantala. And also the amazing result! Congratulations! I was just about to order some and saw that you are offering some for free Shelyn - is that offer still open? Are you sure your DH won't change his mind? If so then let me know as I would really appreciate them. One thing that I am really grateful for is that my DH is really on board with the IVF and just as keen as me to make it work. These vitamins definitely sound like they are worth a go.
Ros
Me, 34. DH, 37. Male factor. Egg sharer.
1st IVF/ ICSI cycle - BFN
1st IVF/ ICSI cycle - BFN
Ros wrote:Hi there
Well I have just had a BFN - my test date is tomorrow but we tested early because my DH has gone away for 5 months today. I have pretty much lost all hope - I know there is still a chance but dont' really feel like there is.
Anyway the reason we are doing IVF/ ICSI is because of my DH's low sperm count and I was really interested to read about the vitamins you got your DH to take Shantala. And also the amazing result! Congratulations! I was just about to order some and saw that you are offering some for free Shelyn - is that offer still open? Are you sure your DH won't change his mind? If so then let me know as I would really appreciate them. One thing that I am really grateful for is that my DH is really on board with the IVF and just as keen as me to make it work. These vitamins definitely sound like they are worth a go.
Ros
Yes, I still have them. You can PM me and I can get your information and send them to you.
First IVF attempt
Started stims on 8/18/07
Hcg Trigger on 8/27
ER on 8/29
schedule ET on 8/31
Cancelled cycle due to high estrogen level
11/23/07 began Protocol for FET
12/28/07 Scheduled FET
Transferred 3 now 2ww
Started stims on 8/18/07
Hcg Trigger on 8/27
ER on 8/29
schedule ET on 8/31
Cancelled cycle due to high estrogen level
11/23/07 began Protocol for FET
12/28/07 Scheduled FET
Transferred 3 now 2ww