Oct 05 Cycle Buddies

[Jen1d]

Oh Loops



You can feel blue with me. This is such crap news for you. Nothing ever gets easier for us does it.

Well today was awful. Had first aid training and the teacher asked if the girl she was about to use as a model was pregnant, she said no but another woman said she was. She looked over 40 and when she announced it, it floored me. I felt myself getting emotional and after she wittered on for a few minutes about it, i went out to the toilet and sobbed for the unfairness, this shit life has handed to me. Yep, it was all me, me, me and i felt shit. I then didnt want to look at her and just got on with the class but at lunch time the teacher started chatting to her about how many weeks she was and maternity leave etc so i walked out of the canteen. Then later at the next break, i overheard her telling another girls that she was 13 weeks and was having problems as she just wanted to smoke and couldnt give up------selfish ***** nearly got an earful so i left the room yet again and my colleague noticed i was a bit annoyed. I had a chat with her but calmed down for the rest of the day. However as soon as i saw dh, i sobbed.

I just want to give him a baby and hate how ivf is making me feel. I am so scared i will have to go through life feeling so unhappy and miserable if this never works and the odds aren't looking to good.

Sorry to bring the mood down but i cant help feeling so sad even though i am trying to get on with things and putting on a face. Everone is now 'back to normal' with me but that even makes me annoyed as its as if they think it over until the next cycle.

Ok will go away and search for my smilie face

Thinking of you Lola, am here if you want a chat anytime.

Littles - Hope your downregging is going ok? When do you have your scan?

Love Jen x

[little R]

Dearest Octopals,

Looks like there is "blueness" in the air....

Jen, you poor thing. Yes, life is really hard and crappy at times and I know what you mean about going through life feeling unhappy. I felt like that before the summer. And depending on IVF3 outcome, I may be back to square one sharing your feelings. I can't think about that now though, am truly focused on the present. Will cross the bridge of "BFN" and no children later if I need to. Hmm, you were very brave to walk out... I would have clobbered her, the wicked pregnant woman and asked exactly what she had given up to get there, cigarettes....big deal! I guess in her defense, at least she had given them up. I had a friend who smoked through the whole of her pregnancy.... in fact, I stopped talking to her... she kept complaining how hard it was to not smoke and that she couldn't give it up. For me, it was a perfect example of a woman who didn't want her baby enough to not hurt it.... and she got pregnant so easily...where's the justice in that. I was disgusted. I haven't really been in touch with her for about 5 years. Anyway, I think that you're coping very well and you're still functioning, Jen. You're extremely brave and I admire you. I know that the sadness is deep and that you're have a tough time. It's ok to feel the way you do...only natural. You need to be sad until you find the energy for what is next.
I often think of you dear Jen and your DH.

Lola, gosh, what to say.... you're another tough cookie and as you say, it's one hurdle after the other. As if you haven't had your share of heartache and disappointment...I am truly sorry that this hurdle is so devastating...pff, how come those that deserve to get pregnant just can't seem to and the undeserving who wouldn't even give up a cigarette, fall pregnant in under 3 months AND complain about it! Sorry, just angry at life for being so sucky!


My news... all good. No more infection and I had the trigger shot last night. I could have clobbered the nurse. She didn't get it right the first time and had to stick me again. Pff! Anyway, I am ready to burst at this point. I am not really sure what to think of the scan as there seemed to be discrepancies between the sizes of the follies on both ovaries. I think I did better the previous IVF, but at this point, I am just thankful it is all moving forward. And I only need one embryo for it to work, right? (sorry, trying to convince myself). So EC is on Wednesday at 9am...and my DH is here and my mother is coming out to be with me. So I am pretty happy. My brother got married last Saturday and it was hard to know my whole scattered family was together having fun and I wasn't there to enjoy it. Anyway, it's done.

So I am trying to be positive...now begins the waiting game.

Love to you all and I'll be back after the EC...


Littles

[Jen1d]

Looking forward to hearing all about your crop of eggies.

Loops - Sending you hugs, hope your feeling stronger today.

Been shopping, now studying and not feeling the best, so will buzz off.

COME ON LITTLES, START THE BALL ROLLING FOR BFP'S AGAIN ON THIS THREAD

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

Hi guys just a quick one to say...
Its nude night at art class today!!!
I will give you full rundown on my return, woo hooo!!!

Littles - hope EC went well and you have a bountiful supply of lovely eggs - send update asap

I'll come back later for proper post
Love, Lola
xxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Well struggle is the work of the moment Feel so sad and need a good shake but i will get there hopefully.

Loops - Wish i was with you tonight to get cheered up. Go easy with that brush---watch where your putting it

Littles - Hope you got a bumper crop, cant wait to hear.

Hi to you all, i will write soon, just need to get up some more energy, feel so tired and fed up just now---ET seems years away.

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi

Well finally finished work until Tue, cant wait to be off. Going to have lunch with 2 friends tomorrow then study in the afternoon. Christmas shopping on Sat then out partying at night with all my work colleagues. Cant say i am really in the mood but have to force myself to go. Havent been drinking for months so should be interesting

Just feel so exhausted at the moment and starting to feel a bit aprehensive as 2 of my friend are due babies in the next couple of weeks. Dreading having to visit---i love holding the babies but feel everyone is feeling sorry for me, its just awful.

Littles - Hope your ok and got lots of eggies?

Thinking of you all

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi

Well the shock of the day is----------------i get my op in 4 days
Hospital called and asked if i would like the first shout for a cancelation slot so i jumped at it. So Tuesday i go in at 08.30am and she confirmed i get a general, so will be knocked out yippeee.
Feel a pissed off that i have to have more treatment but at least i wll be a day closer to getting my embies. Dont think i will have FET until January though, to scared i get another neg and cant deal with it at this time of the year??

Also the adoption s/w called and she cant find our paperwork we sesnt last week but will call on Monday and make a date to visit us. Dont know whats in the air today but someone is FINALLY giving us some good luck.

Ok, am off to get some tea but will check in later

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi Girls

Just updating you about Littles.

She had her EC and got 10 eggs but only 2 are good embies, 4 are very slow. She had ET today and is trying to keep positive but feels disappointed and a bit numb.

Tried to reassure her that she only needs 1 little fighter and to try and stay focused and positive.

Loops - Hope your ok, please email me if you need a chat.

Me and dh went out shopping today---meant to be for Chrimbo presents and we bought none---only clothes for us---very naughty.

Just taking a peek at the ticker, cant believe i go in for op on Tuesday.

Out on the lemonade tonight for the first time in months, so should be intersting.

Have a good weekend

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi

Saturday night was to much fun and i'm still suffering--my own fault though. We didnt get home until after 4, would have been 5 with the clocks changing--very naughty but everyone said i was just like my old self and then arrived Sunday---wow, couldnt get out of bed. I am just not a drinker and wont be doing that again.

So op is tomorrow, not really bothered and not worried as i will be asleep. Once they put the needle in the back of my hand then i can chill. Should be out by teatime, just depends on what number i am on the list. Just hoping they dont find any problems.

Littles - Hope your feeling ok, please let me know how your doing?

Forgot to say, i spoke to the lady at the party who deals with the fostering and adoption. When i told her we had applied, she said "i know", as she had seen my name and address. Anyway she said there are babies and your children and after 6 months of all the paperwork then they will match us up, this can take anything from a month to a year, depends on what children are available. She said to continue the process and dont give up as the s/w try to get the older kids adopted and push for this but she said to put our foot down and go for what WE want not them. Just waiting on first visit, might be in the next couple of weeks.

Love Jen

[Jen1d]

Hi

Had my own room, with a cracking view or a picture of twins in the corridor---first nightmare.

Then had to explain to 2 Dr what i was having done, took the paperwork from IM and eventurally got it sorted. Told him to go and talk to my consultant--she wasnt doing the op as it was a cancellation. Anyway he did talk to her and we got it sorted.

Then got my emla cream on---for the wimp of the ward and when they put the needle in, it was wrong so had to attack the other hand to-------then blissful sleep.

So got taking into theatre about 10.30am and home at 7.30pm. Very emotional day. Was in the recovery room and a nurse decided to announce to everyone her grandson had just been born, 9lb 2oz---i burst into tears and the nurse who was looking after me thought i was in pain as i couldnt speak, then explained briefly and she felt sorry for me---hate that.

The worst thing was i was bleeding quite a bit and couldnt sleep, lay there thinking about everything and feeling sorry for myself--then the tears appeared. The nurse from acu popped in to see me, my consultant asked her to check on me, thought that was so lovely of them. Anyway i sat blubbing to her as the nurses on the ward werent interested and a familiar face is better eh.

Eventually dh came to collect me at 6.30pm with the news that our friend was downstairs and had just had her baby---------this world is so unfair eh. Am happy for her and looking forward to seeing the baby but feel so drained.

Got home and went to bed, then have been up most of the night but at least the bleeding has stopped.

The adoption lady called and i have to call her back today to arrange our first visit, so some good news.

Oh ye, didnt say, everything was clear and there seems to be nothing wrong and no cysts or polps. I had a biopsy taken so will find out the results in about 3 weeks but the Dr say all looks health and fine. Dont know if this is good or bad---at least if there was something wrong then we could move on but its so frustrating being told continually there is nothing wrong and we just have to keep trying.

Anyway am popping out to my svq day for a couple of hours, cant miss that or i will lack behing. My tum is bloated and i'm tired but glad its over. Dont know how any of you manage to have it done with just sedation-----hats of to you.

Catch up later

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Am off to work but thinking of going to see the Dr, might need some time off as i feel so tired and low.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

JUST A QUICK POST TO SAY GOOD LUCK TO LITTLES FOR HER TESTING TOMORROW. AM THINKING OF YOU AND AM HERE ANYTIME IF YOU NEED A CHAT. EVERYTHING IS CROSSED BABE



Thanks for your email Loops, pleased your ok and just being a busy bee, catch up soon.

Now getting worried about Steph as she is usually around---come back and let me know your ok?

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

GOOD LUCK LITTLES!!!!!!
I am praying for you sweet one.
xxxxxxx

[little R]

Dearest Octofriends,

I know it has been a long while... and I am ashamed.

It was the hardest IVF ever, physically and emotionally.

Everything was going smoothly until after the EC...we had 12 eggs of which 10 were good. Then on Day 2 after fertilisation, we were devasted to discover that only 1 embie looked good and the rest (6 fertilised) were extremely slow. It was a huge blow and things didn't look very hopeful. We went for Day 3 ET to discover that another embie had accelerated growth. Basically we had 6 embies of which 1 was great, another good and 4 slow... they transferred 4 embies anyway...nothing was obviously good enough to freeze.

It was a horrible 2ww...no symptoms which wasn't like IVF1 and I started to feel very despondent as I felt nothing...anyway, a few days ago I started cramping and thought that my period seemed to be around the corner. You know what it feels like... going to the toilet every 2 mins to see whether it was the pessary leaking or AF...

Today, I am in shock....
I did 2 HPTs this morning....one was faintly positive (very faint) and the other (a different brand) was hardly noticeable, more like BFN. I wasn't very hopeful... I waited the whole day for the blood test....and it has shown a BFP.
I am delighted obviously, but still in shock.... and I can't quite believe it... particularly as I can't explain the HPTs. I am going to enjoy the BFP now even if I know that a lot can happen and a lot can go wrong....as it has done in the past for me and for you.

I also realise how hard it is to share my news because we have all been through so much and not one of us deserves it more than the other.
We've all paid our dues and you all deserve this as much as I do.

I know that it's not fair and I can only say that I am so very sorry it's not you getting your BFP. I can only hope that life will start getting fairer and finally you will be rewarded for your huge efforts. I am happy but my heart goes out to you....(I really don't want that to sound condescending...I just want you to know that I feel your pain and know what it feels like when you hear about yet another BFP; if you hate my guts, I completely understand!)
Also know that I don't want to be pessimistic, but I am cautious and in my mind a BFP doesn't necessarily mean that my dream will come true.

Thank you for your sweet support, Lola, Walshy and Jen....
Eventhough I wasn't logged on I was thinking of you all...and I still am...

I'll be back to check in later....

Much love,

Littles

[Jen1d]