cycle buddy late Oct/Nov

[kbat]

Although I haven't gone in for my numbers yet again--that's tomorrow morning--AF looks like it has arrived . It more than just spotting--looks like a regular flow. So, I guess I know what they are going to say tomorrow. Tough going in when you already know what they will say. But the nurse did warn me that w/ low numbers at this stage probably wouldn't result in viable pregnancy.

It's extremely disappointing b/c this is our absolute last hope. We will not do donor eggs and my dh does not want to do adoption. I wanted to go w/ a 6th cycle but since the clinic is so inflexible and is a factory, we won't proceed any further. So unless we have the grace of God to help us conceive naturally, we are done

Feeling really sad as I really thought I would have some hope this time w/ no bleeding, etc. But I guess if nothing was going to happen better to find out now instead of later. Been through one miscarriage and it was such a horrible feeling both physically and emotionally.

Thanks to everyone for their support. Couldn't have gotten through without you all.

God Bless you all!!

[2ndtimer]

Kbat,
I'm so very sorry to hear about that. Please take good care of yourself and know there's a lot of us out there thinking about you.
It's just so unfair for some of us. Infertility has been the heart break of my life, but I try to remind myself of the blessings that I do have. One of my best friends is 35 & has metastatic cancer. She complains less about the chemo/surgeries etc than I do about all this baby stuff. So it helps me to keep it in perspective.
Take care,
2ndtimer

[Magic Magin]

kbat I'm so sorry, I've just finished AF after a failed attempt, it is so hard... Sounds like you need to have some time out to come to terms with it all. I'm not sure how you do that, I'm too scared to think about it but know deep down that I will probably have to.

I hope you have a good support network at home as well as us girls here...

Big big hugs...

MM
xxx

[alittlegrace]

kbat,
I am so sorry. I have been through five m/c's and a stillborn; the loss of hope that comes with it all is draining. somehow things will work out, even if it's not how you would expect it to. I wish i had something more comforting to say, but there are no words for this type of pain.
The Bible says, all things work together for good for those that love Him. When I am down about my situation, or think of what could have beenwhen it comes to the loss of my stillborn daughter, and how old she would be, I lean on those words. I am a firm believer that it is never for nothing.

so sorry,
alittlegrace

[kbat]

FINAL UPDATE....
My bleeding yesterday didn't really get to be a regular flow. It was spotty, but looked like it had clots in it. Today it was heavier again w/ some "clotting." I also had A/F type cramping--nothing too painful--just annoying. Today, at some point I went to the bathroom and seem to "pass" something and since then my cramps have gone away and the bleeding has gone down. I did have another beta today and it did go up to 11.???. However, I was told to stop the progestrone shots since it's probably prolonging any further bleeding... Again, I was cautioned about an etopic pregnancy. Hopefully, I have already expelled whatever I needed to..... I was told that even though the numbers were going up, that it wasn't a good pregnancy--probably b/c the numbers are still low.

I already told them this would be my last one. I came short of telling them that if they would allow me to get a car service as back up in the event that my husband couldn't make it I would continue. But I did say it was too difficult having the procedure done an hour away since I had no other means of getting up there (i.e. no friends or family in the area who would/could help) if my husband couldn't make it. So, I said that if the doctor wanted to follow up w/ me, it was her call, but it's not like I need it to discuss the next step. I wouldn't be able to continue to afford acupuncture, which is probably the reason I made it this far. My dh put up w/ that idea to just please me.

I am a little sad because I am at the end of this line--really wanted children. Also I am a little bitter toward the clinic for not being able to help/accomadate their patients a little more, but I guess even doing IVF was a gift. Originally, we weren't even going to do IVF b/c in RI there's a 20% co-pay. Even w/ the insurance paying 80%, it was still out of our price range. But then my husband's insurance got changed to be out of Mass, where they have mandate to pay. So we had to pay little out of our pockets--especially in comparison to so many of you.

A little scared b/c don't know what to expect at this point. I've been through one miscarriage, but I was further along--about 8-9 weeks along. It could be worse. My husband works w/ a guy, and his wife was doing fine for about 8.5 months of her pregnancy. A couple of weeks before the baby was supposed to be born, she found out it didn't make it, but still had to deliver it. So, it definately could be a lot worse.

[kbat]

FINAL UPDATE....
My bleeding yesterday didn't really get to be a regular flow. It was spotty, but looked like it had clots in it. Today it was heavier again w/ some "clotting." I also had A/F type cramping--nothing too painful--just annoying. Today, at some point I went to the bathroom and seem to "pass" something and since then my cramps have gone away and the bleeding has gone down. I did have another beta today and it did go up to 11.???. However, I was told to stop the progestrone shots since it's probably prolonging any further bleeding... Again, I was cautioned about an etopic pregnancy. Hopefully, I have already expelled whatever I needed to..... I was told that even though the numbers were going up, that it wasn't a good pregnancy--probably b/c the numbers are still low.

I already told them this would be my last one. I came short of telling them that if they would allow me to get a car service as back up in the event that my husband couldn't make it I would continue. But I did say it was too difficult having the procedure done an hour away since I had no other means of getting up there (i.e. no friends or family in the area who would/could help) if my husband couldn't make it. So, I said that if the doctor wanted to follow up w/ me, it was her call, but it's not like I need it to discuss the next step. I wouldn't be able to continue to afford acupuncture, which is probably the reason I made it this far. My dh put up w/ that idea to just please me.

I am a little sad because I am at the end of this line--really wanted children. Also I am a little bitter toward the clinic for not being able to help/accomadate their patients a little more, but I guess even doing IVF was a gift. Originally, we weren't even going to do IVF b/c in RI there's a 20% co-pay. Even w/ the insurance paying 80%, it was still out of our price range. But then my husband's insurance got changed to be out of Mass, where they have mandate to pay. So we had to pay little out of our pockets--especially in comparison to so many of you.

A little scared b/c don't know what to expect at this point. I've been through one miscarriage, but I was further along--about 8-9 weeks along. It could be worse. My husband works w/ a guy, and his wife was doing fine for about 8.5 months of her pregnancy. A couple of weeks before the baby was supposed to be born, she found out it didn't make it, but still had to deliver it. So, it definately could be a lot worse.

[kbat]

opps--sorry I posted the same thing 2X.

[starstudded98]

kbat- I am so very sorry for the emotional rollercoaster you are going through. Is this the only clinic that you can use? Perhaps this is all to reaffirm that you need to go someplace else for your last try. I just fear that later on you will always wonder "what if we had tried that last round..." I know it must be so tough, but you may feel better if you know in your heart that you did everything possible. I don't mean to make this harder on you, and I am so truly sorry if that's what I'm doing. Just trying to give you another perspective, but you know in your heart what feels right to you, so trust it. God Bless and warmest regards, sandi

[kbat]

There are only 2 clinics in RI. I went to one and I did not like the doctor and they seemed disorganized. Oh there were good things about it, it wasn't an entirely bad experience. But based on doing 3 IUI's and 3 IVF cycles w/ this doctor, not to mention she was terrible at explaining things, didn't want to ever do more than 3, and the general disorganization of the whole place, I decided to go to the current clinic. In the end I really liked the doctor here much better, but in the end they were no more organized than the first place. Although I had all my blood work & u/s locally, I had to go out of state--about 1 hour away-- to do e/r and e/t. However, because they will not allow us to hire a car to take me home in the event that my husband can't make it, it's kind of tough for us. I am not sure why they won't allow it, because at least the other place would. If it's this tough w/ traveling an hour away, I don't even want to think about it if we run into the same problems w/ a different clinic further away. Plus, since my insurance pays for it, I have to go to one of their places. There are no guarantees that they would approve another cycle--they've been getting much more picky about it.... I almost switched places after #4, but I figured I only had one or two more left. Also the doctor seemd to indicate after #4 that this would be the last one she would try on me.

I've been a little teary-eyed. I've been trying to fight it off, but in the end I can't. I been trying to figure out why this just doesn't happen for us/me!

Thanks for everything!

[kbat]

It's official--had an etopic pregnancy, which I was given methotroxate (sp?) I am still debating as to what to do next. My husband may switch jobs so the excellent insurance we have may end, which would definately end our hopes. (We get covered at 100% now). Also, don't know if I want to go through the hassles of dealing w/ the clinic one more time. It's the most stressful part of the whole thing for me--dealing w/ the clinic--not knowing if I'll get the call backs, whether they will work w/ us, etc. Traveling is not really an option for us. I did look into one other clinic in Massachussetts, but I still have the issue of how do I get home if my husband can't make it on the given day? Also, they would want me to redo certain tests--even though one of them was done at end of Sept/early Oct. I am on my 2nd clinic, and I have found that they both of some good things but they both have their faults--different strengths and weakness for both--wish I could combine the good from both places to get one good clinic!!!

It would be only one more shot, even if we still have the current insurance, because they will only approve up to 6. We can't afford to do it out of pocket--especially if my husband gets another job (will probably take a pay cut). don't know how you all manage it.

Part of me feels like sometimes enough is enough--time to get on w/ my life. But then part of me thinks that if I don't have to pay for it, why not try one more time. I did ask the doctor when I got that shot, what she thought and she said it was up to us. (A little bit of a switch from what she said before--that #5 would be it. Maybe it's b/c we technically got pregnant). But then when I said we may try one more she said that we would really do one more??? Why not do donor eggs (we have maintained from day 1 that it wouldn't be an option for us) or adoption?(my dh is a lawyer and represented adoption agency in "wrongful" adoption case--so he's seen heard worst case scenarios for adoption and doesn't want to do it.)

Hope all of you are doing o.k.

[Magic Magin]

Hi kbat (and all you other lovely ladies )

Well, what a rollercoaster for you... Why does this happen? I know life isn't supposed to be smooth and fair but sometimes it makes you wonder why you are not given a break...

I suppose the question is can you really accept giving up? Will you always think what if? Or is it better for your relationship to give in gracefully now and enjoy having a happy and healthy life with your DH?

I went to my second cousins funeral last Friday. She was 47 and had 4 children (aged 10 to 19) and a doting husband. It made me think maybe I should just be happy enjoying life with my DH but then when I look at my second cousins husband I thought he must be so comforted he has the children...

I suppose you can never be happy with not having a child but you learn to live with it. There are positives but at the end of the day it is not the same.

I'm going round and round in circles here... I wish I could say something to help more... I find comfort that we are not alone and this website and all the fab people on here understand truly how we feel...

Take care, you know us girls will support you in any decision you and your DH make and take your time in getting over your loss...

MM
xxx