Road to nowhere...

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Hey all, need to share my thoughts with you. I'm on 2nd round of ivf and think it is the end again. I started spotting a little today (day 10 after et) and cramping. I'm convinced because i just know the signs so well. Okay so it is earlier than ever before but in a way I'm relieved that the tension is over now, and I dont have to go through the whole traipsing to the clinic for the blood test, then the awful phone call again.

I know its not time to give up yet, but it just feels like a road to nowhere and I want to get off it and move on to a new one. If this is a definite no no again, we're planning to start the adoption route in the new year but carry on until we've exhausted the health insurance pay outs (they pay half three times full ivf over here, but you pay for the fets yourself and they're only a third of the price of ivf).

I guess what I'm wondering is, is there really any hope and is it worth going through it time after time after two years of constant disappointments. Its not like its the end of the world not to have your own child. I mean there are people out there who can never have kids at all, or are terminally ill. Isn't it better to say, okay, I can't have kids, does that make me a lesser person? Why not look it straight in the eye and say well this gives me an opportunity to give a kid a future who would otherwise maybe have had no future?

Okay so four times perhaps still isnt loads and I'm just plain down, but I really think that this needs to be resolved soon...

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Okay this may be a highly stupid idea, but im thinking about stopping the progesterone as of tomorrow (im supposed to take it until thursday) as i feel its just delaying af and i want it over with. What do u think?

[sharishu]

Angela-
Aw, sorry to hear that you are so down. Still pulling for a BFP for you. If it doesn't work out, you know best what is right for you. I don't see adoption as 'lesser'. I really don't. I have 2 adopted cousins, and I never see them as "not really family". They are just as much family, in fact more, because I'm really close with them. In fact, the older one oddly looks like me! What you said is true- you are giving a future to a child who otherwise may not have had one. Also, once adopted, they ARE your own children.

Whatever your decision, I wish you the best of luck. I firmly believe that if we want badly enough to be parents, we will be. I believe it for me, and for you as well. Whether biological or adoptive, your (future) children will certainly bring you mounds and mounds of happiness.

Best of luck to you!
Shari

[Dexter]

Hi Angela,

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. Unfortunately it goes hand in hand with this process. Just wanted to give you some support and say it really all depends on how much you can cope with emotionally and financially. I know for me it has been a dark cloud over my head for the past 2 years. Every time someone announced a pregnancy, another dagger in the heart and I could simply never move forward. I always told myself that there were other things in life to be happy about and yes, that's very true. I had to look inwards and come to realise that having a child would not complete me and that we could infact have a wonderful life together - DH and I - without children. The pain would always surface but I told myself that time would heal eventually. With that said, we started the adoption route as we felt we had something we would like to share with a child...a great relationship, lifestyle, financially secure etc etc. We wanted a family! So we went to all the seminars and got accepted for inter country adoption. We then watched videos, read everything and decided it wasn't us, tearing a child away from it's country of origin. As much as we knew it was a better life for the child, we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.

Again, having said all that again and much to DHs frustration, we went for one more IVF attempt. I was sure it was going to work. BFN. I had to face yet another xmas without our dream as everyone around us grew happily fat. I then decided to do a FET (again) with some of my frosties and held about 0 hope. I never believed they worked. I got my BFP and am still in the early stages- alomst 6 weeks and expecting it to terminate at any time, but so far so good. I am having weekly monitoring and the hormone levels are all on track. That said, we haven't established a heart beat as yet. The next hurdle.

What can I say? It's scary putting yourself through this. You have done 2 attempts. Honestly, as heartbreaking as each attempt is, unless there's a justified reason as to why you shouldn't continue..would you give it a couple more tries? I have a friend who is on her 12th attempt and the docs are still telling her not to give up! She got pg first attempt and miscarried 14 weeks. Hasn't been able to fall since. The one thing I do truly believe now is that this game is infact a lottery and if you keep at it, eventually your number has to come up, providing all the criteria meets.

I went to a new clinic after 2 failed IVF attempts and this time had assisted hatching. We put back 2. The same day I got my BFP, we got a letter in the mail saying we had been accepted for LOCAL adoption in AUSTRALIA! Go figure. So I guess if this BFP becomes a BFN (I've had that happen 2x before) then I guess we can pursue that route and adopt a child from our own country which sits better with us.

Angela, I wish you all the best and hope you find the inner strength to pull through this and continue. Don't give up with this cycle just yet...you just never know! Lots of people get AF symptoms and spotting before their BFP. I'll be praying for you. Good luck.

Dexter xox

[Dexter]

PS Angela..I also stopped the progesterone after thinking this had failed and taking a neg hpt. I missed 2 days. Turns out I was wrong. How many days past ET are you? If it's really bothering you, wait til a day before AF is due and take a sensitive HPT. I've found FIRST RESPONSE to be extremely accurate.

Dex

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Hey Dexter, first of all congratulations, that is amazing, I'm praying for u too its here to stay. I'm 10 days post transfer but my af would normally be due tomorrow so here's hoping spotting doesn't get stronger. It's literally only a few drops and normally af would hold off until at least test day so I'm totally freaked. I guess I'll just have to stay calm.

Sharisu, thanks for your inspiring words. Good luck!

[2ndtimer]

Hi Angela,
I understand everything you are saying so well. What to do, what to do, what to do... We've considered adoption very, very strongly. Even filled out the paperwork. But my DH just wasnt' as enthusiastic as I was and he really wanted to try IVF more. So here we are trying over & over again. I dont' know if we'll adopt, but I do know that a big part of me just wishes we went ahead with the adoption 2 years ago. I could care less if the baby looks like me or my husband. But you make a decision and go with it. And if you don't make a decision, then that ends up being your decision.
Please, please continue taking the progesterone & go for the blood test. You have nothing to lose by continuing but you potentially do have a lot to lose by stopping. You can do it for a few more days. Then you know you really gave it your all.
Take care,
2ndtimer

[starstudded98]

Angela- a lot of people have spotting due to implantation bleeding, so I recommend to keep taking the progesterone, stay strong, and fight to the very end. Good luck and God Bless.

[sharishu]

Angela-
Hope you're feeling better this morning. Also I hope you're following the advice of these smart women to continue the progesterone. 2nd timer is absolutely right, you have nothing to lose by continuing. Also 2nd timer, I think it was you who said "as far as I'm concerned, I am pregnant until proven otherwise"- what a great quote, and what a positive attitude!

2nd Timer- re: adoption, my dh is not willing to think of it at this point, but if it were up to me, I'd go ahead with it right now. I'd also try IVF, but no harm in leaving open all options. I respect his feelings though, and not even bringing it up, but I feel the way you do. It's not about who the baby looks like, it's about all the love and nurturing; it's about family.

[Fiona L]

Angela

Please don't stop taking the progesterone just yet. You've come this far so hang on in there. I had some spotting 8days post FET and have just recorded a BFP(though still spotting). So don't give up yet.

A friend of mine adopted a Russian girl aged 2 about 18 months ago after losing a baby at 23 weeks and they all couldn't be happier. They are a very strong family unit. Making this sort of decision is always really hard but once you have amde a decision (whatever that is) I'm sure things will be easier.

Only you know if you can face fertility treatment again and for how long and only you know if you really want to adopt.

I am sure you will find the strength to make the right decision for you and DH in time (assuming this time really hasn't worked).

Thinking of you

Fiona

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Yes, you are all right. I woke up this morning and wiped red blood so spent the entire morning crying. I had the sense to continue the progesterone, although thought it would be pointless and imagined it would all just come gushing out again with the blood. Having put a tampon in I started trying to build my spirits up again. Then just before I left for work went to change the tampon and practically nothing, just a bit of brown and the faintest bit of red (and this is on the smallest tampons u can get). Tonight, same story and the occasional cramps. So relief, maybe it is implantation bleeding after all. I'm not convinced though as I have had very light periods following the last two FETS, but on the other hand, I never started bleeding this soon. I know I should do a HPT but I'm too scared. One thing I know is, unless I start full blown AF I think I should still go for the blood test. You are right, never give up hope...

[shametricmichaelgeremes]

Angela,
Do you believe in prayer? If so pray and ask God what his will for you is. Don't ever give up without consulting God. I know sometimes we get discouraged and wonder why me Lord, but believe me, he knows what is best for us. Just when I was about to give up...Doctor told me I had DOR, no way was I going to produce any eggs, I just held on to every dream and promise that God had given me. I even told God, if you did it for Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah, why can't you do it for me. Guess what when I told the Dr. I wanted to try one more time, they thought I was crazy....yeah, but they did not know who my father was. In the end, I produced 24 eggs....funny for someone with DOR....til this day they can not understand where they came from,Ihad 4embies put back on Fri. took a HPT today, got a faint positive. Please don't give up; consult God and let him direct you, I know without a doubt he will fix it for you. God will give you the desires of your heart. One thing God had given me was for my husband to pray from me, and he did every night. Be Blessed and Encouraged

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Well, as a matter of fact, yes I do pray (and how). In fact I have a very strong faith and do believe that God will bless me with a child. I guess there will be a reason why I haven't given up yet, and that is because He is guiding me. Wow, that really is an amazing story, I love stories like that. Just goes to show that prayer really does work, you just don't know when it's going to happen. I was going to give up after the third time, but over my two month break sought out a lot of spiritual guidance and I know now, that even if it doesn't work this way, I will probably go on to adopt, that will definitely be the next step. Thank you for the inspiration. Can I ask you how many times you tried and how old are you are? When is your test date? Isn't that a bit soon for a HPT? Thanks, Angela.

[shametricmichaelgeremes]

Angela,
I know i tested way to early. I test on 12/10/07 though. I have 3 children (naturally). Had TL in 1993, tried reversal in 1996, remarried in 1999, in 2000 tried IVF, May 2007 tried tubal reversal again, this is my 3rd cycle of IVF at this clinic. One thing that I am confident in...God will show up, and when he does....GET READY, GET READY, GET READY!!!!!! I am 35, husband is 31. I just encourage you to let go, and let God. I will be praying for you. DON'T GIVE UP NOW.....GOD DID NOT BRING U THIS FAR TO LEAVE YOU........

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Hi again. What is your name - I can't work it out. You are very inspiring! I just got my period proper today so I know it hasn't worked again. I'm just having a glass of wine to comiserate! You know, that is exactly what I'm thinking. I know He knows how desperate Í am, so there must be a reason why I am carrying on, although on the other hand I feel I'm getting farther and farther away from my dream of having my own child. So why doesn't He give me a sign to get off this road and get on another one as its so painful every time? Strangely enough, I don't feel as sad this time. I had a major praying session after the last one, asking Him to help me with the emotional side of it, so I guess He's answered that one. We're going to carry on, but as I have little faith in the frozen transfers, we've made a decision to start the adoption route in the New Year now, just to ease the pain a little and get a new outlook. But I can't give up completely because obviously the pain of having to accept I am never going to have my own child will not exactly be an easy move. I wish you all the best with your current cycle. I have to be honest, if I already had 3 children I would feel God had already blessed me enough, but I also understand this is a strong desire. I'm sure it will work, you are still so young. Respect for your perseverance!!! Stay in touch...