In need of cheering up and hope

[nicaliw]

I'm upset, frustrated and angry and would love someone to vent to. I feel like my loved ones probably don't wanna hear it any more.

My first IVF was a success but I had a MC at 5 weeks.....this totally blew me away, I was not expecting this. I bled at the time of the MC and lots when I stopped my progesterone a week later (I had to wait in misery, not knowing if I had MC or not for 8 days after the initial bleed). I was doing OK because I was focused on moving on and my RE said we could do a FET in February. Well, things aren't going as planned. My beta refuses to co-operate and I don't know what to think about it.
It was above 6000 when I had MC, now its 112 and has only dropped a little on the past week from 148. This waiting sucks. Until my hcg is zero I won't have a natural cycle and I can't move on. All I can think about is how much it sucks to have a MC which which isn't resolving but instead means I have to wait months before I can do my FET. I'm kinda hoping my RE can help speed things up or just do a D&C. ANYTHING, to get things going, my beta should be zero by now.
Has anyone else had to wait this long and their RE didn't need to do a D&C?
How long after a D&C have others waited before their next IVF/FET?
I just can't believe my last IVF was Nov 8th (ER) and it looks like I have to wait another 2-3 months by the time I get my beta to zero (maybe 2-3 more weeks), wait for next natural AF (4 more weeks at least), then take meds for cycle (3-4 weeks total I think). Thats 9-11 weeks from now til FET (only a guess.).....thats sometime in March. Arrrgh!
OK, I have gone on long enough with such negativity. I guess I'm just reaching out for some inspiration. I need to get my hope back.

[beachbaby]

Hi Nicaliw, I am so sorry your having a bad time. i have never had a problem with my numbers as they have never been high enough, but i do know some ladies numbers can take a few weeks to reach 0 again even after a D&C. I do know at my clinic after a chemical/miscarraige we have to have 2 AF's before we can start again Ie i had a chemical in nov 2006 and did not start cycle again until day 21 of january cycle.this is to allow yourself and your body to heal. i know the waiting is the hardest but your body knows best.
take care and good luck for future cycles. the positive is you can get pregnant hang in there.

[MLB]

I have never experience what you are talking about - but I understand your frustration! Do you have a best girl friend that would be willing to come over one night and have a big glass of wine and watch a chic flic with you? It won't make things all better, but it might help for a night.

[LostGirl]

I hear you, and I understand your urge to want this to happen and now. But that's not how IVF works. I am a completely Type A person. I work hard, and there's nothing that I haven't put my mind to that I haven't gotten.

But IVF taught me to think differently. I embraced patience, because I had to. I embraced staying calm, because I had to. I just didn't see any other way to make it through all this disappointment.

The other thing I did was stop putting my life on hold. I planned a vacation and said you know what? My next cycle can wait 4 weeks. I saw the friend I'd been dying to see, even if I had a massive Lupron headache and just wanted to go home.

I am a runner and love exercising. So I found it helped when I was frustrated having to wait to start my 2nd cycle to find joy in the things i could do, that I can't when I'm on lupron or gonal-f.

IN short, the sooner you change your mindset, the sooner you will be set free. I am dying to be a mother, but it is no longer something I think about 24 hours a day, it's more a very big chunk of what I want for my future, but not the only thing in my future.

Does that make any sense?

[loopie]

Hey Nica
I know you're blue right now, I've not yet begun my 1st cycle, and am on bcp and don't understand all of the beta stuff - but do understand depression.
I'm just going to let you know that the powers that be -(god, karma, buddha, vishnu or what ever) don't give any of us more than we can handle, and in winter and over the holidays when you're pressured to "be Happy" it can be even tougher. I know that 2008 has a lot of great stuff in store for all of us here trying to get knocked up - so take it easy, cry, laugh, eat too much and give yourself a break - all of this shit you're going through is probably your body letting you know it needs a time-out and nothing more

and while you're at it - come on over to the jan/feb cycle buddies - lots of laughs and panic, and distractions

take care of yourself!

loopie

[boo1]

I had a miscarriage in June, was 8 weeks 2 days along. I opted for a D&C.
Everyone is different, but my beta levels took a long time to get to 0. It was nine weeks before I had a period. I was so worried and so freaked out that my body would never return to normal.
Most doctors won't do anything to help you along-they think the body knows what is best and prefer to leave things alone until you're ready.

I just had another m/c Christmas Eve. I was about a week/week and a half pg. I would have been better off with a BFN to start because now i have to wait until MARCH (two full cycles) before he'll do fertility work on me.

This is the hardest thing in the world. I wish I didn't want a baby.

[beth]

Nica
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have never had a miscarriage, and I hope I never do. That has to be heart breaking. You really don't want to rush things. Your body is going through a lot of changes, you want it to be healthy before you start the next cycle.
You have to stay positive, I know that's hard to do right now, but everyone is right, change your mind set...
and vent all you want! that's what this board is for! You get great support from all of the ladies here.

boo1: I am sorry for what you are going through, too. Please try to stay positive and don't give up!

beth

[ann d.]

Nicaliw and boo1... I am sorry to hear about your MC. After my BFN from my first IVF in November, I was devastated. I don't know what you two are going through, but I am sure it must be frustrating.

I've kept time off the boards because I had other family health problems and wanted to take time off of thinking of my fertility problems. DH and I finally met with our RE. He says we are going to do a mock cycle and then a FET. It took 36 days (8 days longer than usual) for AF to come this time. As all things start to line up with my cycle and work schedule, I figure I won't be doing a FET until March near the end of the month. I am as scared as heck to try this again. The pain of being unsuccessful from my first IVF was hard to get through.

Anyway, Nicaliw I think your body will tell you when it's ready for things to start up again. We're putting our bodies through a lot doing these procedures causing our bodies to take longer to get back to "normal".

Boo1 and Nicaliw... maybe if you wait until March we can do our FET together???

[Magic Magin]

Hi Nicaliw, it pulled at my heart strings reading your post. I have had 2 miscarriages and it's tough. I had some cranio sacral therapy this year to work through the guilt I had flushing the sac away for the last m/c (7 weeks - I lost it in the shower - awful). I was amazed how deeply it had affected me and I made peace with my lost child and I named her Annie to give her an identity (the first time I was 4 weeks and named him Cedric as that was the name of the hospital outside the hospital).
What I am trying to say is that maybe this couple of months is a good thing to let you get over your loss both physically and mentally. You need to work with your body and if it is taking time to get back to normal then that is what it needs. It sounds strange but through the therapy I had I 'forgave' my womb and 'made friends' with it again (no I'm not loopy!!). It did help...
I had a BFN mid Nov and I am going to wait a few months before trying again... I have quit my job and am generally trying to de-stress as much as possible so I can give us the best chance possible.
Best of luck to you (and everyone else reading this)...

Lots of love and hugs...

MM
xxx

[nicaliw]

A little update. My nurse called back and said the doc wants to keep waiting and recheck my beta in one more week. I don't know of thats the usual or just a delay because the docs are all off work and their office is in the midst of moving this week. Who knows, I figure it can't hurt to give my body a chance for at least another week cause I literally don't have time for a D&C right now anyway......unless of course it was an emergency.

beachbaby....thanks for your positive encouragement.

MLB....yes, forunately I do have very supportive friends who keep me grounded and a wonderful husband. My good friend has 2 babies from IUIs with sperm donors, she reminded me how it took 3 cycles with each of her babies to get pregnant.

LostGirl. I can totally relate to what you said. I have managed to find the positive out of this and realized that this is the perfect opportunity to enjoy my husband and life in general. Things were very intense and stressful during my first cycle so this break is good for us. I have learned to let loose a little and have been getting out and having fun. Yesterday we rented snowmobiles and Jan 1st I am going to Vegas for a few days. these are things I probably wouldn't have done if I was still pregnant....I figure I should make the most of this time and have fun. I'm not a patient person at all so I think this little setback has just pushed me a little harder to learn to be patient. After all, a few more weeks of fun and relaxation can't possibly hurt, so i need to get over feeling sorry for myself and go with the flow. As you can tell, I have a much more positive attitude than I did a few days ago. Thanks for your encouragement.

Loopie, you really do have a great attitude....wish a little of that could rub off on me!

Boo1. So sorry to hear about what you have been through. i agree that it feels like a BFN would be easier but then i think I'd be bummed out for not knowing if I'll be able to get pregnant. Looks like you and I will be quite close with our next tries. Are you going to be doing a full cycle or FET?

Beth, thanks for your kind words. I have been able to turn my attitude around over the past few days. I had a temporary low moment, felt quite sorry for myself, but i have snapped out of it and I'm feeling much better...thankyou!

ann d. We cycled together last time I think. My ER was Nov 8th, I remember seeing you on the board. Looks like we'll be cycling together again. I think its going to be March for me too. Its dissapointing to have to wait longer...but the way I'm trying to view it is that the extra time we rest our bodies will most likely increase out chance of success next time around. So, here's to our March BFP!!!!

Magic. it sounds like you have been through hell. I'm not surprised it affected you so badly, I'm sure I'd be in the exact same boat if I went through all that. I think our November cycles were close together, I remember your name. Maybe you'll be trying again around the same time I do and we can cycle together again? Stay strong...it will happen for you and for all of us

THANKYOU to all of you lovely ladies and big hugs to all of you for the pain you have endured. If you haven't had dissapointments or losses yet I truly hope it stays that way for you......but you know where to come if you ever need support.

[nicaliw]

oops..sent post twice

[LostGirl]

NicaliW,
I am so glad you're feeling better. You do sound so much better. I am jealous that you went snowmobiling... amazing!
lostgirl

[TammyS]

Nicaliw...I just wanted to say that I am glad you are feeling a little bit better and that I am very sorry to hear what happened. I hope those numbers get down to where they should be quickly for you. Good Luck. Chin up...Positive Thinking.