stepmoms and ivf

weezie · Post by **weezie** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 6:25 am

I hate BM! DH and I were going out to dinner and of course she called while we were in the parking lot. He decided to take the call and get it over with. Well needless to say, the call RUINED our evening. DH even made mention to taking the skids back to our apartment (in Houston) for one of the weekends she wants him to babysit!! Our living here is a secret. We agreed before he took his job he would never tell his kids or that whacked out person we lived here. Needless to say, I ended up drinking at dinner and DH and I had a crappy time. Well, he is not having any problems with carrying on his life. And I'm the one up at 12:15 in the morning still upset. She has emailed him the kids sports/school schedule and her school/travel schedule. This ***** wants us to take the kids for an entire week for Easter! We NEVER take the kids. The divorce agreement states summer. Summer only. Of course we have them every christmas too, but now she tells him that we must take them EOW. Bullshit! Not with her having sole custody and the amount of child support we pay. I am a complete wreck!

I'm even sleeping on the sofa b/c DH is just under my skin! He is snoring and not sleeping under all the covers. Making it to tight for me! Well, I entered all the dates on a 3 month calender and I will give it to him with my recommendations. The fact that she enrolled SS in a sport that is EVERY saturday when she has school every other saturday is NOT going to be our problem. She knew damn well she had class before she enrolled SS. Argh!!! I need to find my happy place.

dawn31 · Post by **dawn31** » Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:41 pm

Hi Weezie.

I to am in the same situation. I started injections today for my second cycle the first one was november and had to be cancelled due to over stimulation. My stepson lives with us. He was placed in our care by social services due to his mom having drink problems. Over the years we have had our windows put through. We have been abused in the street. Due to the Anger in my step son he now has behaviour problems and breaks things around the house and curses almost every day.

I do sometimes stop and think to myself. Do i deserve this. What did i ever do.

But I assure you. It does calm down eventually. Things are now not half as bad as they were.
You have to learn to switch off....
And say to yourself. Im not letting them ruin this for me.

On my last attempt in november i refused to answer the telephone. And when my stepson started one of his paddys i went upstairs to bed.
Removing myself from the situation seemed to be the only answer.
I never became pregnant but that problem was beyond my control.
My method seemed to work otherwise.

DAWN

Magic Magin · Post by **Magic Magin** » Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:09 pm

It is a big thing taking on step children... I don't think most people realise the sacrifices and compromise we have to make. It is only through love for our spouses that we take such a huge responsibility on and usually with no thanks or appreciation from the little ones or the ex's...

I know I have done absolutely nothing to deserve the scathing rubbish that comes from my DH's ex (we live in the south west of England so she is called the wicked witch of the west country

) yet I have to hear it and deal with it. Thank goodness I have such a loving relationship with both my DH and my beautiful step daughter (she looks like my DH NOT her mother

) It makes it bearable. We have been to court for access countless times and broke because of it which does affect the number attempts we can have at IVF (2) but there you go.

In terms of IVF I hate the fact that a part of me wants to get pregnant to spite the ex. How ridiculous does that sound and how come I am letting her bring out the worst in me???

I feel for all of you, I understand how all consuming anything that involves the complex relationships of step families can be....

Lots of love

MM
xxx

weezie · Post by **weezie** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:50 pm

I am soooo glad that we have this thread. I really thought that I was alone in my journey. And it seems as though all ex's are completely nuts! I already knew that. Reading your posts just confirms it. I'd like to share with you what DH's ex (BM-biomom) has been up to lately and why I have slipped off the wagon and drank all weekend long. Read below and from the bottom up. Remember, BM has sole custody and we live 250 miles away from her. This is a person who on my wedding day asked DH to leave me and remarry her!

Please give me advice on how you gals stay so calm when dealing with BM's. I have vowed not to have another drink. I cannot let her ruin this cycle for me. Quite frankly, I believe DH is doing more than his fair share to help her out. Especially for someone who is only supposed to see his kids for 2 months every summer.

Bm wrote:
No I gave you my schedule and you have a moral and parental responsibility. You will not abuse me as the sole parent anymore. You are there father whether you like it or not. My job comes before yours as I am more responsible than you. You and SD15 can work out the details. I will be gone. SS6 is not doing ju-jitzu at this time. He does not like it so he will not need to go on Sat. so you can take him and not have to worry about anything. As far as Stepmom's birthday she is an adult and she needs to let you fullfill your obligations.. Your children came long before her and you have more obligations to them than you do to her.. She new you had children when she married you and she needs to grow up. None of my friends or family can believe how insane your wife is nor how you have abandoned your children over some woman you just met. My flight leaves Friday the 22 of Feb. and Wed. March 19 so you better be here or work it out with SD15 as to what you are going to do and what you expect from her. Conversation is over. Figure it out.

________________________________________
DH wrote:
i gave you my schedule before you made travel arrangments and you chose to make them anyway knowing that i cannot watch the kids on certain days. i will not be there to watch the kids. you have full custody and they are your sole responsibility. it will not be my responsibility if they are home alone.

BM wrote:
I have made my travel arrangements already and I cannot change nor will I. You can talk to SD15 and take her to watch the kids if thats what you want to do. I will not be taken advantage in this situation. I have the kids all the time and my job and responsibilities are far more important in their lives than yours. So you need to take care of your responsibilities. I will be leaving and it is my understanding that they will be your responsibility while I am gone. If you leave them alone overnight you will have to answer to someone other than me
________________________________________
DH wrote:
jan 19 i will take SS6 for the day
feb 2 i will take SS6 for the day
feb16 cant take SD11 please have a teammate bring her
feb22 cant do overnight trip without hotel but can watch them 23
march 15 can take SS6 for the day
march 17-23 cant watch the kids i have to work can only take them 22-23 maybe 21 if i can get off early
what about SD15

BM wrote:
DH,
Here is my schedule for the next month:
Class Jan. 18, 19
Class Feb. 1, 2
NY Feb. 22 - 23
Class Feb. 29, Mar. 1
Class Mar. 14, 15
Las Vegas Mar. 19 - 23
Class Mar 28-29

SS6 has Ju Jitzu every Saturday at 10 am until 10:45 so the Sat. that I have class I cannot take him. The kids are on spring break from March 17 to 24 so they will not need to go to school the week I have to go to Vegas. The only tournament that I cannot take SD11 to is Feb. 16-17. I can do the Sunday games but not the Sat games that weekend. My friend and I would like to take her on the Sunday game. I am making my travel arrangements tomorrow.

Thanks,

riogirl71 · Post by **riogirl71** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:41 pm

weezie - Your DH is acting correctly, he told her in advance he could not watch them. My DH's ex does this too even dropped off SD when we had to go to the hospital when our friend died. If she has sole custody it is because she agreed to it in court (I assume) and you and DH pay her child support based on the amount of time spent with the kids. If she wishes to change the arrangement, wouldn't she have to go to court? She shouldn't have agreed to something she did not want then...

Relax in a warm bath (not after ER and warm - not hot) do easy things that keep your brain occupied such as reading or gardening, any crafts. It heps me engage my brain on something else and not obssess over it, then you will see you think of her less and less. I am really working hard to not let anything get to me. You want to be calm and relaxed for your baby. My DHs ex hates me and blames me for everything too. They are miserable people trying to make you miserable too - DO NOT LET THEM WIN! The happier you are, the more they lose!

weezie · Post by **weezie** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:51 pm

She has sole custody because she begged Dh for it. He agreed only becuase we move from year to year for his job and it just wouldn't be a stable environment for the kids. Besides they wanted to be with her. And yes, she would have to take us to court to change the arrangement. But that will never happen because NY governs the divorce and she lives in TX. No one has ever motioned for a change of venue. And lastly, SD15 cannot leave the state of TX as part of her probation. Yes, SD15 has already spent time in juvi and is on probation.
I do plan on taking a nice bath and then I will go out and do some shopping for a couple of hours and then come home and cook DH a great meal for dinner. Thanks for letting me vent.
how have you been feeling?

weezie · Post by **weezie** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 7:01 pm

Magic Magin: I feel your pain. Count your blessings that SD is sweet and looks like DH. Getting preggers to spite the ex is the cherry on top

It's like we have an added bonus to our IVF quest. Good luck to you. Baby Dust!!
Dawn: how old is your SS? I like the idea of removing yourself. But every time BM calls I can hear her ranting. She is so loud. What a control freak. Some of my "stepsisters" from another site recommended having an attorney write her a letter about her absurd requests and remind her that she has sole custody. I'm seriouly considering it.

riogirl71 · Post by **riogirl71** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 7:15 pm

Vent anytime! I am glad you started this post

the letter is a good idea

The ex wrote my ex and said that she is going to call me to go and talk over coffee - the nerve! My DH wrote her and said that he is not going to allow his wife (me) to be exposed to her unstable and erratic behavior and to not call me.

I love him! Yeah right I am going to have coffee with the devil! NO WAY!

Magic Magin - I am also glad that my SD is sweet although she acts up like her mom but not often enough.

Dawn - I am glad you also found a way to not let her get to you.

BABY DUST!

Magic Magin · Post by **Magic Magin** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:57 pm

It's reassuring to her your stories ladies, thanks for sharing... Makes me realise I'm not the only one... Friends who have not been through the same try but don't really understand.

The ex's will be bitter and twisted whether we are bothered or not so I'm going to try to not let it get to me. Let her stew in her own poison.

The wicked witch has just been thrown out by her fiance and is really unhappy so bide your time, justice does come around...

Love and relaxation to you all...

MM
xxx

dawn31 · Post by **dawn31** » Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:40 pm

Weezie & Riogirl -

Reading your posts takes me back in time. I have been with DH for 12 years and unfortunatly it doesnt really stop it just gets less frequent. His ex decided when she was PG with SS that she no longer wanted DH. SS is now 12. Obviously when i got with him, it became a problem. And I became the most hated person in her life. With her drinking, she cant remember alot of the things that have happened. (So she says).

SS birthday is christmas eve and no gift for his birthday or christmas came. Which even though he pretends to be a tough kid, upset him deeply. And we had to bear the brunt of the anger.

As for removing yourself from the situation. It seems the only way and if i were you i would ask DH not to tell you anything whilst you are having your treatment. You cant stress about what you don,t know.

GOOD LOOK GIRLS.

weezie · Post by **weezie** » Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:25 pm

Hi Kelly! Thanks for the encouraging words. I agree....the things we do for love! DH is doing his "duty" with his kids right now. I'm kind of glad he's gone. I starting stimming today and want to lay back and relax. Overseas? Where are you going if you don't mind me asking? Wow. I see that you have been trying for some time now. I really wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers. THIS WILL BE YOUR YEAR!

stepmoms and ivf

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