IVF & Other Peoples Reactions

[Edel]

Hi All

I have noticed that some of my friends/family have become more & more distant towards me since the ongoing fertility tests up until the IVF, some friends that were close have become very distant - most of them who have since have just stared familes of their own or already have kids but not all! God did i talk too much about it or say too little? As you all know the upset of it all and how coping with it is a battle all of its own but why has it messed the one thing I thought was solid or untouchable?! I feel i have always tried to be there for them no matter what cos thats what friends do but for some reason all that has changed since my fertility tests and the IVF (Severe Endo, 1st IVF Nov, positive but chemical pregnancy). Is it not bad enough that we have to go through what we have to go through without other people being weird with us because of it! Has any of you gone through the same or am i just hangling it badly and scaring people away?

Hugs & babydust to you all
Marcella

[TammyS]

I think that maybe some people are afraid to bring it up or talk about it...for fear that you or I will get upset. Then I have noticed that some are just squemish (sp) and feel that it is a very personal matter. I have pretty much shared our journey with everyone. I have always felt that the more support the better and that if we are going through something like this maybe we can be of help to someone else by being open about it. But, you are right. Some people just dont know what to say or how to act around you. Eventually they just stop calling or stay away...because they dont want to feel like they are upsetting you in anyway. When they dont actually realize that they are hurting you worse by their actions. Perhaps give them a call...and be honest about your feelings. Good Luck.

[KatieG]

I agree people are afraid to bring it up. Me and DH have decided not to tell our parent until afterwards good or bad. I think it will be less stress on me. They may sorta freak out and be overbearing. We have told a few close friends and our sisters. They are very supportive but they dont often bring up the topic. They usua.lly ask DH first how im doing. Most of the family knows we have tried and that we wont be able to do it natural. When we told them that they backed off and didnt want to talk about kids. In fact a friend and sister got preg. and were scard to tell me. I was never upset and had to reassue them that im ok with my situation. Hope this helps!!!

[Edel]

Girls thank you so much for your replies it has really helped and it is good to know i am not alone. I guess I never expected it all to have such a knock on effect on everything. I am probably to blame too as i have found myself distancing myself especially from friends and family who are pregnant or do have children, i do try to understand that everyone has their own lives and i shouldnt compare really but as you know it is hard to put on the brave face all the time. I am going to try to be a bit more open and honest about my feelings to others instead of shying away, i guess nobody is going to know how you feel unless you tell them!

Like you Katie my best friend got pregnant and it was weeks before i found out, she kept avoiding my phone calls and i thought i had done something to upset her but then i slowly copped on to what was happening, things have been resolved since but i dont hear from her much anymore and i do miss that cos we used to talk so much about everything.

I suppose every situation has its own set of problems, i know on my next IVF ill keep it a bit more quiet cos it would be less stress on me. Thank God for our DH's eh! Sometimes ya just have to remember what you do have rather than what you dont have!

Thanks again girls, i wish yous all the peace, love and happiness in the world.

Hugs & babydust

Marcella X

[woodcliff]

Well, we are both private people, my husband and I, and we didn't talk about the IVF with hardly anyone...

My one sister knew...and his one good friend plus a colleague of his. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't even mention it, although it is asked sometimes by curious (aka nosey) people...I just laugh and say "who cares? I'm pregnant-with twins!"

I see you are from Ireland...could there be some religious (AKA Catholic) prejudice toward IVF? My husband's family is coo-coo, over the top Catholic (evangelical catholics, which is crazy, as Catholics don't have a tradition of evangelism...as it's really opposed to the church teachings)...we have never mentioned anything to them, as they are petty and critical and mean spirited that we are NOT Catholics...I hear the Catholic church condems IVF...

Maybe that's it, or maybe you did talk too much about it...how about getting a counselor to 'talk' you through the next steps, and give your friends some relief?

Good luck...on a BFP soon!

[tryw8]

My husband and I have chose to not share our medical journey of trying to achieve a baby of our own. It's been hard for me especially when I needed my mom's support the most.

[Kristen2008]

Edel--

I know how you feel. I swear I go to about 2 baby showers a month--and while I am thrilled for my girlfriends, it can also be extremely emotionally trying. (especially on NYE when the hot topic of discussion was Sippie Cups!!!)

I do agree that what can be perceived as insensitivity and distance is often really due to the fact that people who haven't been through this don't quite understand the emotional rollercoaster we are constantly on. OR, they can say the complete wrong thing. For instance, a close friend of mine with a youngster tried to make me feel better about the situation by going on and on about how hard it is to have a child. I wanted to SCREAM! How dare someone complain to me about having the gift that I long for most in this world! But then I sat back and realized that it's the thought that counts, and she was really just trying to make me feel better.

Anyway--your friends will be there in the end. They always will be. And in the meantime, feel free to lean on us.

Love and baby dust to everyone!

[LostGirl]

Edel, I'm sorry to hear people have been reacting badly to IVF. Just when you need all the support you can get. I am an open person and told my family as did my husband. I have also told my boss because I had a breakdown the day we found out my husband's sperm count was a 1 million (my boss went through IVF too 17 years ago so it ended up being a shared thing instead of uncomfortable). I live in NY so you can't go anywhere without seeing IVF twins. It's just a way of life here.

But got to say not everyone comes through. My bro is too uncomfortable to really be there for me. So are plenty of others. It's all tiptoeing. A best friend from college who we had just gone to visit in a nearby city only told me at 3 months that she was pregnant because she didn't want to upset me. I told her that that was silly. I am thrilled for her, and I wouldn't wish IVF on my worst enemy. She has her own set of problems. Got pregnant while engaged, and has never had married life without children. So she wishes in a way she could have planned things. I wish I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat like she can, but the grass is always greener. But we can still be there for each other, because we are open about our "grass is greener' feelings.

I also think for me hanging out with my BFF who has a one year old makes me very aware of the demands of kids. It's a good reality check when I'm in a desperate mood to think it's OK if it takes a while, children are hard work.

I hope this helps. But I have to say I'm an odd person in that unlike most, I just don't compare myself to others all that much. Everyone I know got married before I did, and it was only 3 years after they were all married that I realized I was lonely, and umm, maybe should find a man.

In some ways, not comparing myself is a gift. After all, I don't want anyone else's children just like I don't want anyone else's husband.

Anyway, I wish you well and hope that being open with a friend you miss will be enough to bring you closer again.