Nearly end of line for us

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Never thought I would be transferring to this one, always imagined I would be on Pregnant after Treatment by now. I've finally reached that point where I am too exhausted to go on now. After 5 rounds and 3 left in freeze I don't even know whether I can go through with the last FET. I had a strong belief it would work at the beginning, but by about the thírd time I was starting to think God had another plan. But I listened to all the people that kept telling me not to give up, not to my inner voice. The feeling it will not work has become stronger and stronger with each attempt. So I guess it's time to call it a day. Adoption is the next step which I was really geared up for after the last attempt but then I kind of abandoned it again as I was still hoping it would work. I'm just so sick of hoping, waiting, despairing, building myself up yet again for yet another failure. I'm so disappointed, angry, sad, jealous and scared of facing the world again, telling everyone, hearing the usual, pointless comments like you'll get over it or whatever. I just want the whole ordeal to be over ( I even found myself wishing we didn't have any left, so I guess that is a major sign I want to give up). This is the first time my husband has voiced exactly the same thoughts aswell so perhaps it has finally forced us into this decision. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with ever in my life, just knowing that you will die never having given birth. It's what women do, and if you can't you are classed as a failure and people take pity on you which makes it worse. God, I am such a mess. Can anyone help? I know there will be someone that understands...

[Grey]

Hi Angela,

I'm sorry to hear how discouraged you are right now - although I'm still at the relative start of my IVF journey, I definitely have many moments of feeling incredibly discouraged and frustrated. I'm gearing up for IVF #2 right now, knowing we'll only have 3 tries (I'm fortunate enough that insurance will pay for 3 attempts). I know I should try to be positive and hopeful, but sometimes it's really hard.

I just wanted to leave you with one thought about adoption. A coworker of mine went through IVF about 12 years ago - 2 full cycles, 3 canceled cycles. Finally, she and her husband said enough was enough, and decided to adopt. They adopted two beautiful infants from Korea (her son is 9 now, and her daughter 7) and are SO happy. She has said to me many times that she is incredibly thankful IVF didn't work for her, because otherwise she wouldn't have the children she has.

Although I'm still on the IVF path for now, her story gives me hope for what can be if this doesn't work out - I hope it does the same for you.

Take care.

[goosemis]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work for you this time. I felt the same after my 2nd failed IVF. The only thing that changed my mind was a question on one of the adoption sites I ran across when we started to look into adoption. The question was - "Have you grieved/mourned the loss of your own children? Only then will you know if you are ready to move on. " I cried then and knew I wasn't ready so we decided we'd take a break and try one more time when we were ready. I'm only guessing they ask that question to make sure that if you move ahead with adoption you won't regret anything and that you'll truly accept your adopted child as your own. I don't know if this helps you at all, but please know our thoughts are with you.

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Thank you both, for your support.

Grey - that story is very inspiring. I wish you the best of luck for your further attempts. Don't give up, you are still very early on in your journey.

Goosemis - yes, that is a very good question. I think I have at least mourned the lack of my own children!
By the way, congratulations on your BFP!!!

Angela.

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Sorry, double post.

[tryw8]

Hi Angela,

Please don't get discourage. I had a failed IVF too. I did the fresh transfer late May-'07 and got a BFN in June. The doctors and nurses were baffled. They couldn't understand why. I had transferred 4 (A-type) quality embryos and none of them took. Well, my husband reminded me that when we went for the consultation, the procedure was absolute guarantee but, after the implantation is done, it's up to our own bodies to take over and that's what the doctors have no control of. We knew and understood what we were getting into. I thought, we would have a + so bad.

Needless to say, I became a total mess. I kept to myself quietly. I remained going to work so that I could get my mind off of things. It sort of helped.

By September, I was in better spirits and my husband and I decided to visit the clinic again and inquire about doing an FET. I started Lupron 10ml 2x/day in October'07 and then Progesterone 2cc IM/daily. The FET was done in late November after Thanksgiving. Thank goodness for that! I wouldn't have been able to explain our non-presence at the Thanksgiving gathering. I was more relaxed and thought of pleasant things and not of the outcome of the procedure.

My husband and I wanted to try again. We wouldn't know the outcome if we didn't. I was emotionally ready again ... this time to take whatever news came our way.

When we got a BFP, my husband and I were dumb-founded. I didn't know how to react. First of all, the afternoon "Laura" (nurse at the IVF clinic) called my cellphone, I was right in front of my mother. I had to be discreet of my conversation and choose the right words so I wouldn't give my mom an idea of what was I was talking about. Even when we went for the confirming u/s, my husband was staring at the screen with his jaw dropped. To this day, we still haven't shared the news with the family yet. My doctor wants me to wait a little longer. He told me at my weekly u/s appts he's happy that our baby is getting bigger.

As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. TYou'll know when you're ready. Give yourself the time and give yourself the priority. Take it easy. I've found comfort at this board.

Karen

[tryw8]

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[tryw8]

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[Welshgirl38]

Angela,

Hi hun. I dont normally reply or lurk on this side of the board, i have seen quite a bit of you on the general forum, and i know ur name, but when i saw your post here i had to come and read you.

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. Its so hard to know what to say when someone else reaches this decision. I too reached it about 3 mths after my BFN in 2006. I had only ever tried IVF the one time and i couldnt cope with the outcome, the thought if having another BFN put the fear of god into me and i couldnt face it. i wrote a message saying goodbye to everyone, as much as the ladies had helped me thru, i couldnt face reading about everyone else's BFP's and also the BFN's. I was so angry that it didnt work for us, i was angry with myself for not being able to 'take care' of my hubbies babies for 2 weeks - i was upset because i didnt have a chance to say 'goodbye' all i got was my AF the day before my test date - she slapped me in the face and i was devastated!

I know u have had more tries and have been thru an awful lot more than me, so i cant imagine exactly how ur feeling right now - its been a year and a half now since my BFN - and its taken me this long to realise i want to try again. We are waiting for my Feb AF so we can jump on this rollercoaster again. I just wanted to say to you hun, please dont ever give up on your dream - weather it be a biological child or an adopted one - whichever route you take, i know you will make the right decision for you and your DH. Take all the time you need, rant and rave, scream and cry - do what you have to do.

I truly wish you all the love, happiness and joy in the world, live your life to your fullest, and keep smiling .... Good Luck

Becky Xxx

[Welshgirl38]

Angela,

Hi hun. I dont normally reply or lurk on this side of the board, i have seen quite a bit of you on the general forum, and i know ur name, but when i saw your post here i had to come and read you.

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. Its so hard to know what to say when someone else reaches this decision. I too reached it about 3 mths after my BFN in 2006. I had only ever tried IVF the one time and i couldnt cope with the outcome, the thought if having another BFN put the fear of god into me and i couldnt face it. i wrote a message saying goodbye to everyone, as much as the ladies had helped me thru, i couldnt face reading about everyone else's BFP's and also the BFN's. I was so angry that it didnt work for us, i was angry with myself for not being able to 'take care' of my hubbies babies for 2 weeks - i was upset because i didnt have a chance to say 'goodbye' all i got was my AF the day before my test date - she slapped me in the face and i was devastated!

I know u have had more tries and have been thru an awful lot more than me, so i cant imagine exactly how ur feeling right now - its been a year and a half now since my BFN - and its taken me this long to realise i want to try again. We are waiting for my Feb AF so we can jump on this rollercoaster again. I just wanted to say to you hun, please dont ever give up on your dream - weather it be a biological child or an adopted one - whichever route you take, i know you will make the right decision for you and your DH. Take all the time you need, rant and rave, scream and cry - do what you have to do.

I truly wish you all the love, happiness and joy in the world, live your life to your fullest, and keep smiling .... Good Luck

Becky Xxx

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Thanks Becky, that's really sweet xxx

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Thanks Becky, that's really sweet xxx

[Shiella]

DOnt lose hope.
I know how you feel.Theres another way to face it we know.How about you try this http://bit.ly/1lxtMqe.It works on me.
WIsh you all the best.