Im guessing I am depressed..........

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Aug 14, 2003 5:57 pm

Its been 5 weeks since my last IVF failed and I still don't seem to be picking up - I am unable to work, I don't go out, I cant stop crying, and I can no longer find any fun in the things I usually enjoy. I feel a huge guilt towards my lovely DH as he seems to have lost his wife as well as the chance to become a dad. As for me I am having trouble finding anything positive to get out of bed for. The worst thing is - I know I am doing it - I am having counselling and I set myself stupid little tasks to do each day - so I can "achieve" something, but more than that and I cant cope. Just going to my in laws for a BBQ last weekend got me panicky and tearful. Every year we go to the V music festival and I love it - the line up is brilliant this year (Coldplay, Foo Fighters, Red Hot Chillipeppers, David Gray...) but after last weekend - I have just given our tickets away. The feeling of failure and lack of any self worth is overwhelming - I haven't even felt able to write this before as I am ashamed of just how "bad" I am. Has anyone else ever been this low - for so long? Can anyone help? Lorraine.

suzanne · Post by **suzanne** » Thu Aug 14, 2003 8:55 pm

Lorraine don't feel ashamed for feeling like this, as far as I'm concerned it's perfectly normal to be feeling as you do. Sometimes we just don't bounce back from things as quickly as we might under normal circumstances. The very fact you're setting yourself tasks to do is a positive thing in itself, and that you're receiving counselling. And although you may feel that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you that there will be, it's just difficult to believe it when you feel so low. I got very depressed the summer before last, we'd been trying for a baby for a couple of years by then. I thought I was coping fine, but then changed jobs and suddenly everything just seemed to get on top of me. I felt as though I'd lost the plot for months afterwards and like you couldn't find any fun or enthusiasm for anything. I also felt guilty about DH because I knew he was worried about me but trying not to show it. With regards to feeling like a failure, and having no self worth, this will pass. When I was down I started feeling incredibly insecure in relationship with DH, where I never have before, it's just all part and parcel of the depression. You just need to give yourself some time, and with support from your hubby you'll come through this. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and remember you're not alone in feeling as you do. Take care and I hope you're feeling more like your old self very soon. Suzanne.x

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Aug 14, 2003 9:34 pm

Thank you for your kind and sensitive words Suzanne. I think like you - I am suddenly feeling the crushing effect of everything that has happened. We have been ttc for 7 long years and have had 3 negative IVF's - but more than that in the past 2 years I have started a very stressful job, my DH became critically ill - (thankfully recovered fully) and I am now trying to come to terms with letting go of this IVF merry-go-round. I spoke to one of my friends last week - her husband is recovering from a failed kidney transplant, he had been seriously ill for about 9 months (he still has health problems) and now one year down the line she finds herslf in the same position as myself - very low, tearful at the silliest thing, with poor self esteem - I wonder if it is some kick back following the huge emotional energy we spent during such traumatic periods in our lives. The trouble is I am the most practical person I know, so right now I have little patience with myself. My role in life has always been the "caregiver" - it's the only thing I know how to do well (as a nurse specialist I even do it for a living) and now I can't even look after myself! It fills with me with such sadness that I will never have the chance to share all that with a baby of our own. I am not sure if any of this makes any sense - but it has helped to spill some of it anyway! You dont say - but you sound as though you are feeling better now - are you still trying ttc? Whatever your story - thank you for the support and motivation. Lorraine xxxx

suzanne · Post by **suzanne** » Fri Aug 15, 2003 6:26 pm

You're welcome Lorraine, it's funny you should say that you're so practical, because I'm the same and I found that when I was going through that really down time a friend was also feeling really low. And if you'd have heard all the advice that I was giving her you'd have laughed, but it's strange how you're able to be there for someone else even when you feel at rock bottom yourself. I think you're right about the kick back. When it kicked in for me was when I left a really stressful job to move into a relatively stress free position. So I think sometimes it hits you when you get off the emotional roller coaster, if that makes sense. I know it's easier said than done but try not to dwell too much on the negative thoughts because they will pass. I almost hate to say this but in response to whether we're still trying to conceive, the answer's no as I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant. I was due to start IUI in January of this year, but felt like I had completely lost the plot just after Christmas, think the stress of it all had gotten to me. Anyway I put off the treatment because I just felt too scared to go through with it and miraculously fell pregnant that month. Quite a shock. Have you thought about adoption at all? That's where my mind was taking me before I managed to conceive, and to be honest even though we're now having our own, I still think that it might be something I'd like to do in the future. As I think it would be great to be able to offer a child a stable and loving home, not to mention what they could offer you too. Anyway keep your chin up, and look after yourself. Suzanne.x

ogr · Post by **ogr** » Sun Aug 17, 2003 3:24 pm

it is all so hard. life is very hard. but we never know where the road leads us to.. i know that it is so hard to get up every morning and to face a new day, to see a pregnant woman or a mother who cant stand her child,i just cry. it all breaks my heart. i wonder why . we just got a foster boy who is ten. his birth dad beat him when he was a infant and then he had a stroke at the age of one. his birth mom is in and out of stuff. so maybe that is why... we get alot of kids like this. my foster parents started this ranch. my husband and i tokk it over 8 years ago. we only take boys now.. we also have adopted to of the boys and we where supossed to adopt another one but since we had a m.c. we have to wait a year. so give your self some time and see about being a foster parent and see where that leads you. i know that it gets me out a bed every day and it keeps me going. with 9 boys there isnt much choice. if you want you can e- mail me at ogr@tfalls.net and remember heavenly father loves you to. becky

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sun Aug 17, 2003 7:33 pm

Hi Lorraine - I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling so low. You sound as if you're having a dreadful time. I wondered whether you had been to see your GP at all (if you've got someone sympathetic) to discuss whether in the short term taking anti-depressents might help? If I were in your shoes I would be extremely anxious about the possibility of taking something, but on the other hand you sound as if you've been depressed for a while, and maybe they could give you the little lift you need to help you get through the next few weeks? I don't know, I'm talking from a real position of ignorance here, but I'm really worried about you struggling away on your own, and if you are suffering from depression then it can be treated, or at least helped, and so perhaps that's something you could explore? Please don't feel ashamed or bad - you are going through a really hard time, but you will come out the other side. Thinking of you, love Alison x

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Mon Aug 18, 2003 5:05 pm

Hi Lorraine Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you too. Please don't feel ashamed of the feeling you are feeling they are very true and very real. I have felt incredibly down and saddened after negative attempts but as Alison says hard as it is to believe you do get through it - it is still early days, be kind to yourself and don't expect to much. thinking of you Grace

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Mon Aug 18, 2003 11:36 pm

Thank you for the replies girls. Suzanne - huge congratulations to you - what a lovely surprise - natural conception - I forget that that still happens!!!!! Becky - I have read your other threads - you have been through so much - I have wanted to reply to you when you have felt sad - and felt so inadequate I could find no words (I would have to take my own advice before I could offer it to anyone else) But I have remembered you and your family in my prayers. Grace & Alison - it was nice to hear from you both again - your words are always as warm as any hug!! I have just spent the weekend at home bereating myself for not attending the music festival - I know I wasn't "up to it" but it made me realise how far away I am from my normal self. I have no idea what to do next - but I know I must do something. Reading back my previous mail it sounds like I have given up - I really am trying to "fight this thing" but its so damn hard - I even dream of tiny newborn babies and their lovely smell!!!! As for adoption - its too early to say - but it just doesnt feel right for me - but then nothing feels right at the moment so I am not really discounting it. I am seeing my GP on wednesday, I also start to see a (new) counsellor on wednesday too, so I hope just taking some affirmative action will be a start. Alison I can't make my mind up about anti-deppressants - I remain very reluctant - but will talk to my GP. I am trying to lose weight and have started exercising daily again - I'd like to feel more positive about myself and thought it would help both physically and mentally. I was having regular reiki up until the 2ww - so I really should go back - its relaxing if nothing else! However first I need to start getting out of the house - but at least I am getting out of bed now!!!! Now thats progress eh!!?? Take Care Lorraine xxxxx [Edited by Lorraine on 18-Aug-03 16:38]

ogr · Post by **ogr** » Tue Aug 19, 2003 2:54 am

i just wanted to say, 5 wks isnt very long. ivf means alot to all of us. we put so much into it. it holds all of our hopes and dreams.think how long you have waited for ivf and how long it took .. so give your self a break. 5 wks isnt very long for everything that you have been threw i try and do a little more each day. some days it works and some days it doesnt... i just try and do my best everyday.. so hang in there and give yourself some time.. love becky [Edited by ogr on 19-Aug-03 07:21]

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Tue Aug 19, 2003 6:06 pm

Hiya Lorraine, glad to hear you sounding more positive. All that we go through is just so bloody hard - I don't think I've been "normal" since starting on treatment two years ago! I tend to go for the throwing myself into everything approach to just block it all out, but not sure that that is entirely healthy either, as I'm basically doing my best not to give myself too much time to think. I hope it goes well with your doctor and counsellor tomorrow, and I'm sure you're right that some exercise will help mind and body (although I've always had a problem motivating myself for that, and its not something I can just blame on the IVF!) We have our follow up appointment on Thursday. I'm not expecting too much. We've decided that our next cycle (our fifth) will be our final go, and are beginning to make plans for what we'll do if it doesn't work out. Like you, I can't see myself going down the adoption route at the moment, but who knows with a little time and space from all the treatment trauma whether we'll feel differently. However, we have decided that if our next cycle doesn't work we're going to treat ourselves to between six months and a year away either travelling or living/working abroad, and we're just starting to look into options, and get a bit excited about the fact that there are options and opportunities that are nothing to do with trying to make babies. Becky - your strength is absolutely amazing and an inspiration to us all. I've not posted all that much to you, but been so moved by your story, and wanted to let you know that you're very much in my thoughts. Grace - lovely to hear from you too. I've lost track, have you started your (6th?) cycle yet. Whatever stage your at hope it all goes well. We're off on our hols for a fortnight on Friday, so may not post again, but wishing you all lots of love and looking forward to catching up with you when I get home, much love Alison x

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Tue Aug 19, 2003 9:08 pm

Hi Lorraine I think you are doing really well - it's great that you are starting to exercise. I have never been one for doing much exercise but have started going to the gym over the past year or so and have found it has helped, mindyou I still actually hate the exercise but like the feeling it gives me if you know what I mean. I have also started going to yoga classes and really enjoy that. All that deep breathing really does seem to have a calming effect. I think you are right when you say that it is often weeks after treatmeant that the whole, horrible reality of it all comes home to roost. I remember after the last cycle I thought I was okay then one day maybe two months afterwards I just started crying and crying and I really did have a bad time for quite a few weeks. Keep writing and letting us know how you are doing, it is important to share all these feelings as important now as the time when you were going through the treatmeant. Hello to Alison too, really good to hear from you. How are you doing?? Yes, I will be starting down regging next month probably around the 20th. Very mixed feelings about it all. I want to get on with it but sometimes the thought of all the pain and heartache really makes me question the whole thing. I know that I am coming near the end of treatmeant. If it works it will be so wonderful but if it does n't I am beginning to realise that it will be okay, yes it will be heart breaking but to be honest I want to move on. We have thought about adoption very seriously but because hubs is alot older than me I know it would be difficult to adopt a young child from this country. I have been thinking of changing career completely, and maybe we will travel too. At least we will have a bit more money when all this ends!! I have n't been posting much as I am trying to live a life away from ivf for a bit ( impossible!!) Also, because I have been there so many times I feel that I have run out of things to say. Alison, any plans for when you are going to start again? it is nice having some "normal" life for a while is n't it? Hello to Becky too. I just think you are such a brave woman. I think of you very often and your baby boy too. I hope you are feeling a little stronger? your strength and kindness to others has been a huge inspiration to all of us. Anyway girls, it has been good to talk. Take care all of you. Love. Gracexxxx

LORRAINE G · Post by **LORRAINE G** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 10:55 am

Just wanted to say that I have been following this thread and am in admiration of you all. I do understand loss, I have experienced it myself, but to be able to reflect upon experience and use it to pass on words of comfort and inspiration to others is a very special gift, one that you all share. May you all find peace and fulfilment in you own individual ways, God knows you all deserve it. Love to all, Lorraine G

ogr · Post by **ogr** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:57 am

i hope you know what a wonderful person that you are... i do think that it helps to help... i dont know why. love becky

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Wed Sep 03, 2003 2:53 pm

Lorraine I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. When our cycles failed I admit that I really frightened myself with my own thoughts. It's just so hard and unexplainable. You & Sharon and Caz were my cycle buddies and I'll never forget how you all helped me get through it all. I wish there was more I could do for you. I don't know why some are left hurting and longing whilst some are given precious children they don't want or love. You tie yourself up in knots wondering about this life. You are doing what you can to try to recover Lorraine - take it easy and do what you feel you can. I know you'll come though it and I hope it's very soon. With lots of Love, Jo.XXXXXXXXXXXX

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