So whats happening with YOU??

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:31 am

Hello Girls Thanks for the replies on my other threads - I love it when there are replies it’s the same feeling as getting a REAL letter in the post rather than boring old bills bills bills!!! It was good to hear from you but I want to know more about what is happening with YOU guys! So..... Questions Questions Questions....... Grace - Did I read somewhere that you are starting another cycle in October? When? Isn't this the sixth?? How are you feeling??? Will it be at the same clinic.... will it be the same treatment? Suzanne - Im guessing you must be about 33 or 34 weeks pregnant by now. How are you? I hope everything is going well. You must be thoroughly into the nesting mode by now! Have you thought of names? Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?? Alison - I’m afraid I have lost track of "where you are at" I know you would have been embarking on your 5th cycle but I don't know when. I don’t read the cycle buddy threads so I may have missed it completely..... Do tell all! Alice - how is the home study going? (I think that’s what you called it) My impression is adoption is a long process and I would think very stressful. How far along "the line" are you? Tell me more!! Becky - I read your threads all the time, whilst I know your are suffering, you display such strength of character, you are very much an inspiration to us all. Keep talking, keep writing, it so helps you and US. And to my previous cycle buddies........ Caz - how lovely to hear from an old buddy - so you are "ready" again - phew - what a roller coaster for you. You have had SO much to consider, what have you decided about using donor sperm? When do you start? How do you feel? You will of course have new cycle buddies this time - but us "oldies" will be there for you too! Sharon - CONGRATULATIONS to you and your HUSBAND!! Not sure when you are back. How was the wedding?? I want details!!!! How was Scotland? (Don’t normally ask for details about the honeymoon - but I am truly obsessed by Scotland!!) I know you have plans too for the next cycle - what's next? Jo - how are you - you must be about 12 or 13 weeks pregnant by now. I bet its good to be past that significant milestone. I have looked a couple of times on "your" side of the board - but haven't been able to catch up with your news. So TALK girl! Have you told anyone yet? You have the willpower of a ......... in fact I don’t know of anyone or anything with that strength of willpower - are you actually real!!?? You couldn’t just give me a drop of that determination to help me with my diet (sorry "healthy lifestyle"!) could you!! AND IF I HAVE FORGOTTEN ANYONE - JUST JUMP RIGHT IN AND GIVE US YOUR NEWS!!! As for me, I am really looking forward to my holiday now, we have adopted Scotland, as our second home - must be the Celtic blood in me! Our dream is to buy a small cottage there but can't decide which part so just keep exploring!!!! Now I have decided to go back to work - keep panicking - but know its only "first day nerves" really. I bet I don't even make it out of the office on the first day!!!! I usually work alone - but have made sure my work buddy will be there for the first week to hold my hand!! Thinking of you all With love from Lorraine xxxxxx

suzanne · Post by **suzanne** » Mon Sep 08, 2003 11:16 am

Hi Lorraine, thanks you thinking of everyone. I'm glad to say that you're sounding much more upbeat than you were. So let's hope that dark cloud has lifted. I'll be 36 weeks tomorrow. I'll be so glad now when the little bundle arrives safe and sound, because to be honest I just seem to worry all the time that something could still go wrong! The worry just never seems to stop, I don't think that at any stage I've felt 100% optimistic! We don't know what sex the baby is, so that's a little surprise to look forward to. I think we've finally settled on Daniel if it's a boy, and Cassie if it's a girl. It's so tough though to actually decide, and as soon as someone makes a negative sound, you start wondering again. Anyway, not long to go now. You take care and have a great holiday. Suzanne.x

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 11:45 am

Hey Lorraine - I dont mean to jump the gun, but you sound rather more like the Lorraine we know & love and it's lovely to hear from you. I'm not daft, I know you have to fake it for other peoples sakes,but I think a bit of the genuine old spark has crept back!! As for me, its our 12 week thing tomorrow and no we haven't told anyone yet - after tomorrow we'll just burst I'm sure and shout it from the rooftops to anyone who'll listen!! I will let you know my news probably thursday as its afternoon the appointment and I dont think I'll be back at work (where I do my emailing from - naughty!) Love to Sharon (& may congratulations!!) and to Caz too. Hope you're both well & happy. Lots of Love to you all - will keep you updated on 12 week scan, etc. Jo. XXXXXXXXXXX

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 3:59 pm

Hello girls It is lovely to hear from you. Suzanne - the end really is in sight. Have you been able to enjoy being pregnant or is it just a series of breath holding events??! Imagine soon you will be cradling that bundle – phew! I like both of your name choices Cassie is a pretty girls name and Daniel is a good strong boys name – but I am biased as we must have a thing for names beginning with D in our family – David, Déaglán (Declan), Diarmaid (Dermot), and Dominic – don’t worry they are not all brothers - we are not that weird – but I guess you might notice they are Irish!! Jo – finally the time you can tell your family – it’s a day you have dreamt of for so long – make the most of it!! I really look forward to your news after the scan. Good luck. I think you are both right perhaps I am beginning to feel my mood lift. Although I mostly feel I take one step forward and two back but I can’t stop trying though eh? (not that you would think so right now as I have red swollen eyes from yet another counselling session - God they are hard work!!) Letting go of the “IVF way of life” and closing the door on my dream has affected me more than I ever thought possible. It’s like all the components of my life came crashing to the floor and now I am trying to piece it back together – its frustrating beyond belief as although, I so wanted to become a mother, I did actually like my life – but now I can’t seem to find it!!!!! I’m guessing/hoping the pieces will eventually fit – but I think their original shape will have changed a bit. I doubt any of that makes sense!! Sorry I will stop waffling now. Love Lorraine xxxxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:54 pm

HI Lorraine!! You DO sound better what you say about letting go of teh IVF way of life is really interesting - it must be so hard, but in a way if you can get thru it and back to your old self then SO worth it. As for me....no news really. WE have decided on ICSI number 2 in january (work to mad at the moment). I'll be 31 then (O MY GOD, cant belive it!!) , so I guess I dont want to leave it too much longer....Fingers crossed we will get enough sperms to do icsi with no donor again. IF that doesnt work then I think we will do stright forward (ha ha) Donor IUI next year. I was SO SO determined to be pregnant by the end of this year, well that aint going to happen. MAybe by the end of NEXT year. Dunno. Just cant EVER EVER imagine EVER being pg. Sometime (allthe time) I start thinking that maybe I am just wasting my time. Know what I mean?! Anyway...its been good having time off the drugs and just being myself a bit more, seeing friends, drinking, working etc etc. But theres still only one thing I REALLY want....am determined tho that we arent going to out our live on hold for something that is basically so completely out of our control. So life goes on. Still hurts when I hear about friends getting pg tho (except you lot!) so I cant be that brave! Cazxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 6:24 pm

Hi Lorraine It is so good that you are feeling alot better. I am sure you must be getting exited about your holiday in Scotlad now, when are you off? Are you Irish? or Irish family? I am too, have lived in England for 13 years now. I go back all the time though as all my family are there. We are going over for 5 days on Thursday and really exited about it. Hubby is English but with Irish Grandparents, he loves it there too. We plan to go back within the next few years. I enjoy life here and have made good friends etc but there is no place like home I guess. Well once I get back will be starting no 6. Mad or what? still at the same clinic (our 2nd) and more or less the same protocol. They have found that I have raised NK cells so will be taking steroids to add to the cocktail. I was a bit upset when they found the elevated cells as I thought oh not another thing. However, am being more positive now and hope it will help. I am very scared about it all though. Not the treatmeant as such but the 2ww is such a killer and although I am generally a positive and upbeat person I find it terribly hard, as we all do. Obviously trying to keep as positive as possible but am beginning to think of moving on too, I do want to get on with the rest of my life and all this is so wearing. Terrible news today about Tracey, it really does make you wonder about everything. It is just so awful. Anyway Lorraine...slainte as we celts say. Have a fantastic holiday. Speak to you again soon. Love Gracexxx

alice · Post by **alice** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 4:27 pm

hi all, Lorraine you are sounding much better. Thanks for asking after us all. we are still plodding along with the adoption process. We have 6 more home visits from the social worker before we go to court to see if we 'pass'. The time is going quite quickly really, although they do want to know about every single little thing. From my childhood to how I feel about matts ex girlfriend of 8 years ago. How do they expect you to feel for goodness sake? Still, it still feels good and I am really happy at our decision. Grace, I will have my fingers well and truely crossed for your next attempt. The way I se it, finding oyut about the NK cells is good, as those steroids will be the thing that make this next one work for you. Keep strong and worry about the 2ww when you get to it. You can do it. Becky, I am really glad to hear you are keeping strong yourself. You have alot of determination and a huge heart. You help so many people. Hi to everyone else too, I can't remember waht was written now so will have to go back to look. I too am pleased this part of the site is taking off. love to all alice xxxxxxxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 6:36 pm

Hello Alice Great to hear from you. Glad the adoption process is going well. It sounds like another hard slog but hopefully not long now for you both. I know you are going to be brilliant paretns. All those questions must be difficult. You must wonder what it's all about at times. Probably really hard to remember how you feel about events from eight years ago though. I find it hard to remember things from last week!! Thanks for you good wishes. They do mean alot. I know what you mean about this part of the site - it really is so very important. Hope to chat again soon, good luck with everything and let us know how it is all going. Love Gracexx

becky · Post by **becky** » Thu Sep 11, 2003 7:24 am

Just thought that I would pop in and say hello..I have been reading all of the posts and taking a few days out this week to do some serious thinking. Sorry Caz for not adding another post on our thread..not that much more to say really...except we have now cancelled all fertility linked appointments..and have made a final decision 100% to go for adoption. We went to a really good info evening this week and met some of the most inspirational people..we are now so sure that that is the way forward for us and so are now waiting for a home visit and then to be appointed a social worker so that we can start the home study over the next few months..Alice we can go through this together. The social workers told us that it should take 18 months or so overall with the new time scales which is fine for us...the way I look at it now is that they are finding the child for us to be able to offer a new safe lovefilled home..so we are now expecting..just a longer pregnancy I guess. .. Good luck all and now that we are now that 100 % sure (we were 99% sure for ages but that isn't enough for adoption) I shall be posting alot more. Also I am pleased to be able to say that the day have come where I beleive Dh and I have come to terms with our infertility (as much as is ever possible I guess..you wouldn't be a human if there was no pain at all!) love Becky B

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Sep 11, 2003 12:48 pm

Oh girls - how much have we all grown??! This is such a confusing emotional time for us all and yet we continue to discover new things about ourselves, our loved ones and the dreams we strive to fulfil. It strikes me that even though we feel "out of control" and without choices on this roller coaster each twist and turn creates a myriad of options, some more painful and frightening than others and amongst those choices is to search for that elusive peace and acceptance. I realise that not only do I desire this - but also I have a responsibility to me and my wonderful husband to find it. OOOh check out the contemplative mood today!! It's just reading this thread - it is blindingly obvious that each and everyone is tackling the same "basic" issue in so many very different ways - each one of us is struggling to find a resolution to such a life changing event. Now I am sure this has always been evident to everyone else - but I have just had a "light bulb" moment ....... before I felt related to you and this site by my infertility and the mechanical process of overcoming this - but now I recognise that actually we are ALSO in the privileged position of sharing and witnessing women RESOLVING these issues through success, failure, acceptance and alternative positive processes. My God - how stupid am I - Don’t answer that please - but its making me realise that being childless may be my destiny but how I deal with that is my CHOICE!!!!!!! I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face - thank you girls for helping me to SEE that. Becky - you are right we will never fully come to terms with that but I like some of you here have started to, need to embrace a new life. So now a new task is set! Well maybe it’s the same task – but I just stepped up a rung on the ladder!!! Now I just have to live up to it! I wish you all so many blessings. Caz - take the time "off" to re-find yourself and enjoy the time with your husband. It can only be good for you both and will help all those answers you seek to have time to surface. Grace - I am in awe of anyone who has the tenacity and the resolve to endure so many cycles - I wish I had had your strength of mind and body. Enjoy you time at home. (All my family are from Laois, I spent a lot of my childhood there, I go back at least twice a year and dearly love the people & the times I have spent there.) Alice - soon the questioning, the appraising and the waiting will be over and then you get the life you have yearned for. It can't come soon enough! Becky - it must be such a relief to have finally solved the big what next for us question – just reading your other threads I know you were juggling so much – and now it seems the right path has shown itself. Well done! I am sorry for the lengthy post – but its difficult explaining a “road to Damascus” event in anything less than a VERY long chapter! With love from Lorraine xxxxxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 4:43 pm

hi babe just wanted to say thank you so much for thinking about all of us - you are a bit of a star. tell me - what are you doing, what are you next moves exactly?? Can I ask a blunt question to those who are going the adoption route, have the authorities said that you are likely to get a , healthy , baby? Am being too honest here probably, but one of my fears with adoption is that you might not get a baby or a healthy child. I appreciate that you can love any child that is yours, but i had a handicapped brother and I knwo the realities of what thats like - not sure I'm strong enough to take it on. This probably means I'm not suitable. Would love to know how it works if you dont mind sharing?? Thanks so much Cazx

alice · Post by **alice** » Mon Sep 15, 2003 6:38 pm

Hi all, Caz just wanted to reply to you. There are babies up for adoption that aren't special needs, but there would be a long wait. We have gone for 2 children under 4, ideally I want a 1 1/2 year old, so hopefully thats what I'll get. adoption cannot be a second best to having your own. It needs to be your top choice 100% as its a bloody hard process and if your not ready they will realise. I am finding as hard as IVf but in totally diffrent ways. What keeps us going is the thought that at the end we will have a little person to love. We should get to panel by xmas time. Hopefully. I think you have another IVF in you yet. I had to reach exhaustion before moving on, knowing I didn't want to try again. anyway, not sure what else you want to know but ask away. alicexxxxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Mon Sep 15, 2003 7:24 pm

Alice - thankyou sweetie for answering my question and I hope you dont mind me asking it. I totally take your point about adoption having to be the bext option not the number 2. I guess , as you say, I'm not quite there yet. I really hope it all goes well for you - it sounds to me like you would be an incredible mum.....and 1 1/2 is a super cute age, my best friends son is there and hes GORG! good luck with it all - please keep us in touch! Cazxx

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