Trying to be happy

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Sun Sep 14, 2003 7:31 pm

Dear All I thought if anyone would understand how I am feeling it would be you guys. I started a new job last week working with Special Needs kiddies and I really enjoy it and find it very rewarding. The girl who started the same day as me is covering the maternity contract of another lady whose growing tummy does not bother me. The new girl however is Pregnant now and all everyone talks about at lunch time is how nice it is being pregnant (I'm the only one without kids), cravings, scans etc and I'm finding it hard going. No-one knows about the IVF or my miscarriage and I don't feel like I want to drag anyone down as it must be such a happy time for them. It's just that it gets harder day by day. The girl has said she came off the pill and bingo it happened staright away, how typical is that? Then to top it all my friend who got married in May starting trying for a baby straight away and this weekend I went up home (Brum) and she is 14 weeks pregnant and the only reason I found out was because I guessed (she was worried about telling me I guess). I am pleased for them but it still hurts. Some people decide to try for a family and hey presto as if by magic. I'm sorry to rant on I think I am feeling vulnerable as hubby is away and I feel lonely and feeling like life is so unfair. I don't feel sorry for myself often but I knew you guys would offer support. Hoping you are all okay. Lisa(Loonpants) xx

becky · Post by **becky** » Sun Sep 14, 2003 8:35 pm

Hi Lisa I was thinking earlier to myself..all of the people that I chatted to back in Dec 02 were now over the otherside..most of which have had their babies already ..and then I saw your post and stopped feeling so sorry for myself. I too have tried to do all of the right things and be strong and happy..I am human though and have had a few secret tears here and there. Dh and I went out for lunch today with friends..she is due on Thursday so they were in the scared but really excited and very much in love stage..had to keep the thought of the horrid stage in my mind so that I could get through it and not lose my appetite. Each day does seem to get easier..and I truely believe that my hubby and I have come to terms as ever is possible with the fact that we will not have our own kiddies. I am sure that you lost touch with what everyone has had ..so I'll update you ..had ICSI 1 in Dec 02 and had 2 embies put back but had a weak HCG and started to bleed 4 days after a negative test..had ICSI 2 in Feb 03 but started to bleed just 10 days into 2ww... We have spent the last 6 months or so doing some soul searching..had a lap and dye which was normal and doing lots of reading and research. I also had an inhibin B test which showed a low egg reserve and that I may only have a few more months or so of fertility (I am only 27 so that came as a bit of a shock) Dh and I have now decided to move forward with adoption and end the IVF journey due to so many reasons. I think that you are so strong and kind to be so supporting of your friends and people at your work..but I guess that is the only way to be if we are to be happy with the life that we have..after all..we were all happy before we started trying for these babies..so why can't we be as happy as we were before..society? pressure? maternal instincts? questions I asked myself and it really helped me to find my answers. I wish that we could be buddies on the pregnancy after treatment board..we we haven't been chosen yet..perhaps there are still a few more lessons for us to learn before we can be almost perfect mummies.. Lots of love Becky B

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Mon Sep 15, 2003 4:03 pm

Thanks for the reply Becky. Feeling abit better today. I work with Special Needs kiddies and I wonder whether God has a bigger plan for me and whether I was put on this earth for looking after others children. I find the work very rewarding and I have fallen in love a million times over this last week. We have to try and stay positive and I appreciate all you have said and I hope that all goes well for you and good luck with the adoption, that is also a very brave and wonderful thing to do. Love Lisa(Loonpants) xxxx

alice · Post by **alice** » Mon Sep 15, 2003 6:33 pm

Hi Lisa, glad to hear your feeling better. I was with you in 02 when you were doing IVF and I too feel gutted that it didn't happen for us. We had 8 IUIs and 4 IVF ICSI with no result. Although I can accept my infertility and am happy with the adoption process I do still get sad when I hear of other people's pregnancies. I think I may do forever, but like you I try to be happy for them, but it is bloody hard. I am also with you that I think maybe I am here for a bigger reason, and that was to look after a little person who needs a home. I guess what I am trying to say is that we will always have sad moments and coming on here as you did is the exact right thing to do as unless you have experienced infertility you cannot possibly understand it, and I have stopped expecting others to. Even my mum, who has been with me since day one. I just wanted to say these feelings are normal and we are all with you and each other. Stay strong, sorry I have gone round in circles Alicexx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Mon Sep 15, 2003 8:08 pm

sorry about not being here. my computer hasnt been working. they are comming to fix it on wed or thursday. i am at a friends house right now. i just couldnt wait any longer.. i do believe with all of my heart that heavenly father does have a very speacial plan for each and everyone of us.. that none of us have done anything wrong. some day we will know what the plan is .. i know how much it means to me to have are foster sons. at times it is very hard.but i wouldnt trade it for anything... i find it hard to see pregnant women and little ones. the yearning i think is what gets me. but i just try and remember what i do have and iam very thankful for that... will i better get my but back home. we have a football game to go to.. hang in there, love becky (ogr)

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 8:36 pm

Cheers guys I knew you would understand how I am feeling and it was nice just to put it into words instead of bottling it all up. I hope for good things for all of us. Lisa(Loonpants) xxx