Heart’s Desire – Finding Strength and Direction from God

[IndieBlue]

Well, wishy washy here again LOL

I've decided to 'let go and let God'. The desires of my heart to have another baby have taken over my life. I have done nothing but research the subject of TL reversal, IVF...etc. The cost, the different success rates....bla bla bla. I'm overcome with it actually. But I still sense a bit of resistance in my husband. Yesterday when I mentioned that we'd stay a week in town when I had to be monitored closely, instead of driving to and from everyday since it's a long trip, he said "I'm not using a week of my vacation for THAT". Hmmm, for That? And then I said well I can always forgo the clinical trial, we can pay 13,900 here locally and get one fresh and one frozen cycle? He said he was not going to pay 14,000 to have a child.

So again....I feel like my desires have got him between a rock and a hard place. He wants to be on board, and make me happy...all the while he just can't see this happening. I'm trying not to let it effect us as a couple...but I do get sad and disappointed at the huge difference in feelings.

Last night I was up at 3:30am and sat there thinking about it and I kept thinking of how God heals. I know that I have a desire to be a mother again, but that he really doesn't. I know that this clinical trial is AWESOME and I'd love to jump right in there....but I can't go forward without feeling that my husband is 100% on board and happy about it.

I keep telling myself that he'd be happy once I was pregnant...he loves his children so very much...and that I should go ahead and go forward with this plan, but then I think back to God. Shouldn't I be seeing some sign that this is the direction of my life? I think I'm letting my desires overcome that. I really want to KNOW that this is where God is leading me...and I don't. Nothing like being unsure of what God wants us to do....kind of puts a speed bump in my plan LOL

Then I keep thinking that if God wanted me to have another baby he would heal me, like he did to so many in the bible. It would be nothing for him to just touch my tubes and have them perfect again....and I know that. But is it unreasonable for me to think that? I know he could do that....but I just don't have that deep down feeling that he's going to. Is that crazy, I feel like I'm not trusting him because I'm trying to find my own way (IVF, TL reversal)...etc.

I'm sure you've all felt that way at some point, how did you get past it? Again, I hate to miss the meeting and I hate to pass up such a GREAT opportunity but I think I have to, don't I? I guess I can always tell myself, where there was 1 study they'll be another one, but I don't fully believe that either. Not to mention my age factor.

Well, so there is my long wishy washy post....maybe it makes sense to someone besides me

[Hope644]

Hi Indie-

Believe it or not, your wishy washy post makes a lot of sense to me. I totally understand the struggles of wanting what God has planned for you and wanting DH to be on board with you and everything in between.

Here's my two cents, for what it's worth...

Regarding God and His plan for another baby for you.... While we know it is perfectly within God's power to heal your tubes and your body so that you could become pregnant again, I don't think it is likely that He would choose that route for you. Believe me, I hoped and prayed many times during my marriage that my DH's vasectomy would "fail" and we would find ourselves pg - I even worried over the fact that he might not believe it and question my faithfulness and what I'd say! (tho he'd never have anything to worry with that) ... I think God respects our decisions, He has given us the freedom to choose in the hopes that we will choose HIM, ultimately. But He knows that we make decisions we wish we could change and while we do have to suffer the consequences of those decisions once made - if it is His will that the opposite become truth, then He will provide us with the tools and/or opportunities we need to overcome the original decision. Does that mean God wants you to go through this trial or IVF at all?? I don't know... obviously not a question I can answer... but that gets me to the next thing...

Can we ever truly KNOW that the direction we're taking is God's will or consistent with His plan for us?

I don't think we can. I don't think we're meant to... at least not in every circumstance. I know that He speaks to us in a variety of different ways and He guides and directs us so that we feel His leading in various things. But to KNOW, without any possibility of doubt, in many cases, isn't His desire for us. This is because He requires that step of faith on our part. It's not the KNOWING of His will, but the TRUSTING of His will that makes all the difference. We simply aren't equipped to know most of what He knows. More importantly, if we always knew what steps He wants us to take, then we wouldn't have the need to rely on Him along the way... which is what He truly desires from us. I think the best thing we can do is to pray that He will guide our feet and our decisions, that His Will be done in our lives and that we ask Him to carry our burdens for us as we rely fully on Him. He is in charge and He loves us.

About DH and uncertainty - I think it also comes back to trusting in God in this area and continued prayer that you will both be of one mind and one heart in your decisions and choices. Then ask DH if he is willing to give this study a try. If you end up having to make that trek to the office every day during your monitoring, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, would it? It might be one of the sacrifices you have to make... and your sacrifices may very well be greater than DH's. They often are for mothers in my knowledge of moms. But remember, just because he isn't as gung-ho about this as you are does not mean that he isn't supportive and won't do what is required of him to make this happen. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to do it, but it might mean that he is a man and that he doesn't react to these circumstances the way we do and isn't ready to give up conveniences or make sacrifices at this point... I dunno, I just know while my DH is 100% on board, he doesn't respond many times the way I wish he would. He feels very inconvenienced by my tmt and sometimes even seems annoyed when we have to coordinate schedules for shots or dr's appts. He most dislikes the uncertainty of our lives for the next year or so... we were looking at European and Carribbean cruises the other day (we used to be quite active scuba divers, but haven't been in well over a year!) and I saw the air just fizzle out of him because we can't make plans for such things with our uncertainty. It is hard for them in different ways that we can't always understand... I don't know if this helps at all.... but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and am praying that God gives you a peace and comfort in the decisions you and DH make and that you can come to a place of oneness between you and DH so that you can both feel God's peace as you go forward in whatever path you feel that God is encouraging you to take that leap of faith into, that you will trust that He is there to guide you so that you and DH can bring glory and honor to Him.

Hugs, sweetie...

[IndieBlue]

Thank you so much....I so needed to hear ALL of that! I'm so glad that God led me to this board and I found this thread....without it I'd be running around in circles. First let me start out by saying that 3am is not the best time to make life altering decisions LOL I was soooo tired, barely keeping my eyes open but just couldn't get it off my mind. Again, not the best time to think about things that are not 'convenient'....it's easy to overanalyze things when you're tired and confused Like how am I going to make all those trips, can my older ones be trusted to watch my younger kids while I go? How many cycles will I have to complete...etc.

Anyhow, I do think that this trial was something that was laid upon me....and I'd feel so badly for not giving it a try. I realize that my husband would be excited if I got pregnant from the cycle (he even joked once when I thought my tubal had failed and I was having pregnancy symptoms...he wasn't scared or mad or anything, actually kind of happy and giddy).

Anyhow, it just comes back to doubting God. When we adopted, I had no doubts we were meant to do it....after it was done! LOL I have to remind myself that during the journey I had doubts all over, but it was that gut feeling that kept us going. And prayer of course I cried all night when we got the children, I just knew that come morning, they were going back. There was no way I could handle it....and my husband was my strength He said that we'd prayed about it, and we'd just have to work through it day by day because we were not turning our backs on these kids based on one WILD day and both of us were so exhausted and 4 states away from home...etc. Now that I look back, I have no doubts that it was the right thing for us, and I knew when I saw these children that they were mine....but it wasn't easy by any means.

I guess this venture is no different. It's not going to be easy....may even be another crying fest before it's over, but to not even give it a chance makes my stomach churn. No matter what...God will be with me, right or wrong decisions he's going to walk them with me. So again, thank you soooo much for the positive post. I don't want to doubt God and I do think that he does give us some leading....but may not always display his plan for us....I don't think we're meant to see that...as you said.

Thank you again!

God Bless!

[cathann]

indie ~ hang in there. This is definitely a long and bumpy road that is filled with potholes and doubts. Any one of us could feel exactly the way you feel at any given moment. It is so incredibly difficult to be 100% certain that we are doing what God wants us to do. In fact, I doubt that ANY of us are ever certain of that. It takes trust not only in God, but also in yourself and your heart. I believe that, because of your faith in Him, it will lead you in the right direction. We are all here for you, praying for you. Things will get clearer....they always do with time.

As for me, I started stimming this morning and am praying for healthy and fruitful follies!

I hope you all are doing well. Prayers for you all!
Cathann

[kildean23]

Hello Ladies:

Hope everyone is well.

IndieBlue: I'm going to continue to pray for your situation. I hope that you and DH do come to an agreement and both of you are happy with the decision.

Hope: You are such a blessing and inspiration to me. I love your words of wisdom and comfort.

Cathann: Happy stimming. I am praying for a wonderful ER and ET.

Mia: My 2ww buddy. Hang in there for the Lord is going to bless both of us with our BFPs!

I went to church this morning, and I really felt that the sermon was for me and my struggles and I thought I share the scripture that it was based from with all of you.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Do you ladies see that it says all things not some things. We have to have faith that everything is going to work out. The Lord puts us through struggles in order to get us to a higher level with him. Ladies this is going to be a testimony and I praise and thank him for that. I'm ready to tell everyone of his goodness and glory. I'm sorry but I'm getting emotional just thinking of his goodness and grace. This journey of becoming a mother has brought me so close to Him. I love you all and I just am thankful that you all have become apart of my journey.

[waitingforMia]

Happy Sunday Girls!!

Kildean: Yes I pray this is both of our months to get that BFP. And most certainly all glory goes to God!!

Cathann: whoo-hoo stimming fun DO you give them to yourself??

Indie: I think it says a lot about you that you are sensitive enough to put the brakes on for a few moments and evaluate the motivation behind your desires. I agree with Hope that it is tough to go on our dh's responses, b/c God just did not design them with the maternal drive He designed us with.

That said I think maybe you and dh should commit some time to praying and fasting searching God's will on this together. I don't believe that God has one path planned for us and if we make a choice that we weren't supposed to we are off His path. I believe God often gives us choices, move to that new city or not, take that job offer or not. I believe it is most important that we are commited to seeking first His Kingdom. Fulfilling our purpose as fully devoted followers of Christ.
That does not mean that we should not seek God's will. Sometimes He has better plans for us than what we would choose, and we need to humble ourselves enough to allow Him to guide our steps. I will continue to pray for you!

Hope: Thanks for sharing. I especially relate to the frustration with the uncertainty! I like everything planned out. And never knowing of the next tmt will work makes me feel like I am losing control!


At church today I was thinking about what a blessing it is to praise God through IF. I mean when life goes our way it so easy to say "Thank You Jesus." But to thank God during the trials - it is a blessing!

It is amazing to think that in 4 days our lives might forever be changed by one phone call! I believe the vision God has given me of having a boy and a girl. I feel so sure of it, it is just overwhelming. As Kildean said I know this wil be a testament not to the power of the doctors, but of the God of all creation who has the power to give and to take! To Him be the glory!

MP

[Hope644]

As Kildean said I know this wil be a testament not to the power of the doctors, but of the God of all creation who has the power to give and to take! To Him be the glory!

MP

AMEN!!!

[cathann]

Mia ~ yes, so far I have been able to do it myself. This is a miracle because I'm a huge wimp and hate needles!!

Praise & glory to the One and Only!

Cathann

[nicaliw]

Hi everyone, I worked all weekend so I didn't have much time to post but I have been reading all your messages every day.

Indie, I'm praying that you'll find some peace soon. It sounds like this whole thing is worrying you and keeing you up at night. Its such an uneasy feeling to be consumed with angst and I feel for you. I wish I ahd some deeper words of wisdom like Mp and Hope....but I don't, they offer such good advice. Keep your chin up. Everything will be OK in the end, HE has it all planned out.

cathan, congrats on your stimming. Its your turn! Praying for a good response to stim meds.

Hope, your ER/ET is right around the corner, about 4 weeks by my calculation, so you'll be hearing about your BFP right before I have my FET! So, your baby will be due right around Dec 1st and mine will be due dec 20th. (since my embies are already 6 days old)....will be fun going through our pregnancies together. Have you come to a decision about the number of embryos to transfer? how many follicles did you have last time? Did you transfer on day 5 or earlier? Ours are 6 day blasts and my RE recomends thawing all 4 and transfering 3 (assuming 3 survive). Just like you I feel like being as aggressive as possible and going with that plan but a part of me feels a little hesitant because I'm not sure if I want triplets..... by transferring 3 I feel like I'd need to be comfortable with that being the outcome, not that its likely, but ALL things are possible. What do you think you'll do??

MP....counting the days, hun! I cant wait to hear about you BFP in just 3 days!!!!!!!! YAY

Hi to everyone else who I have not mentioned....I hope everyone is doing great!

Hugs

Nikki

[chriss]

Hello everyone, just catching up on your posts. I was away over the weekend and didn't get a chance to check in.

Hope, your advice is great. Although it was directed as a response to Indie, I think we can all glean important information from it. Thanks for the clarity.

Mia, thanks always for you thoughful contributions.

Cathan, hope the stimming goes well.

Kildean, thanks for the reminder...Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Indie, take the time you need to think it over. Soon it will be more clear.

Not much from me today. I am still doing my IUI 2ww. Praying for the best. Thinking of all of you and praying for the best outcomes for each of you. Have a terrific day everyone. Thanks for being here.-chriss

[hrobinson]

hello ladies. I have been lurking around the corner reading all your posts. All you ladies are such a blessing. It is amazing to come to a site and be able to not only talk about IVF, but also talk about our faith, trials, and questions regarding God.
Several years ago, I prayed, and prayed and prayed for a child. God kept giving me these visions of having a little one running around the house. through my first IVF I became pregnant. PRAISE GOD!!!!!
So, it worked the first it will surely work the second time....well, not exactly. We were unable to continue the cycle as I had polyps.
No biggy, God didn't plan this one for us...I did.
So, we waited a year. I prayed, and prayed (though not like the first round). God never gave me visions of a little one. not sure if it was a sign or not, but our cycle resulted in a BFN. I was so angry with God. Why on earth would he do that to me.
So, here we go preparing to do our first FET (well, not until June). I have been praying for it, but no signs. Do you think that should be sign enough?

I was reading the bible to my dd a few months back and we were on the story of Mary giving birth to Jesus. I just about started to cry. I know that through God all things are possible. I just have to keep reminding myself to trust in the lord with all my heart. God has a plan for each and every one of us, and we should not question what happens.

Sorry for rambling. Just felt a need to post with you guys. Hope that is okay. I absolutely love reading everyones faith here. You guys are a great group of ladies.

[waitingforMia]

hrobinson: WELCOME!! Glad you decided to post! Praise God that you have your DD> God is good It is tough to know what direction to go in. I battle a lot in my life with being sensitive to the leading of God. And I think we can all relate to jumping in w/o the guidance of God at some point. Though I got a BFN during my 1st IVF, I don't think that means it wasn't God's will. I grew a lot during that time as did my relationship with dh. For me when I know God is leading me in a direction I have peace. Not alwasys a sign, but peace. SO I am not sure what to tell you! But I will add you to my list of sisters on this thread that I pray for. So why are you waiting until June for the FET??

Chriss: Hey sister!! Yeah I love the verse Kildean shared - It is an encouragement that even when I get thoise dang bfns - God works it out for good (though I might not see it at the time!) You staying positive in your 2ww girl? I am three days to testing and starting to get a bit anxious.

Nic: I am glad you have some snow babies to transfer! Will you be on meds leading up to the FET?? Not sure how that works. I have one frozen embie.

Cathann: Good girl doing your shots It is really amazing the strength we find we have when put in these challenging times, huh?

Hope: How was the concert and dh's bday?? DId you get him a gift??

Indie: You keeping your chin up girl??

Sonu: haven't heard from you in a while - everything ok with you hun??

Well girls three more days till I test! I was a bit tempted today to buy an HPT - but got throught the temptation! I will just try to keep myself busy until then! AA!! The wait is a killer isn't it??

I am praying for all of you tonight!

Oh! I wanted to post a link to my church's website. This page has sermons you can download (in case any of you haven't made it to church in a bit, or if you just want something extra to listen to). The site is http://www.gracepoint.org/ click on Sermons Online on the left and then you can browse through the titles.

Night!!
MP

[apdean23]

Hello Everyone!

I'm Kisha's twin sister, and I would love to join your prayer group. I am currently doing the Feb/Mar IVF cycle. This is my first cycle God has already truely been a blessing to me. Out of nowhere this year, my husbands insurance decided to cover fertility, he has been on his job for 5years. We had tried IUI once with no success last year, and I was just trying to save some money to do the IUI again, but out of nowhere we got full insurance coverage with no decuctible or copay. This is truly a blessing!! It also a blessing to have Kisha (my twin) going through this with me. I've been on BCP for two weeks now, and will be starting Lupron at the end of the week. I will pray for you all.

Alisha

[kildean23]

Glad for you to join us sis and hrobinson!! This is really a wonderful group to be apart of.

Hrobinson: I am going to add you to my prayer list. I pray that you have faith and believe that the Lord is going to bless you with a second child.

Apdean23: I'm glad you joined us sis. This group is going to help you get through your cycle with a BFP. They give a lot of encouragement and prayers!

Mia: My 2ww buddy! I'm trying to be like you and not take a test at home. 3 more days for you, I can't wait to hear the wonderful news. I don't test till next Tuesday. Please pray that i can hold out until then.

Chriss: What day are you scheduled to get your BFP?

Prayers and Blessings to everyone in our group

[nicaliw]

Hi all, I hope you are all dong well today

Welcome Alisha and hrobinson......hey, we've met before hrobinson, what a coincidence that we should meet here on this thread too. I hope you enjoyed the book. Its a quick, easy read huh? but fun. Anyway, so glad to see you both here!

chriss.....I don't know if you clotting factor is connected to your infertility but I was just thinking about how I recently took care of a lady in labor with the same factor v clotting disorder that you have.

MP, I don't know who is more excited about your pregnancy test! I can hardly wait, its so emotional watching people go through all this and then seeing their success.....I just love it! only 2 more sleeps.
In answer to your question, yes, I'll be on all kinds of meds again but nowhere near as many as a fresh stimming cycle. Basically I will take the BCP for ten days, overlap it 5 days with lupron which I give myself for several days, then I'll start the patches and progesterone I think, its all still a little fuzzy for me cause my nurse won't give me the exact calendar until my next visit from AF cause that will pin down the exact date. We have 4 frozen embryos that are rated......uh-oh, I forgot the ratings...but they're good. Anyhow, we'll thaw all of them and transfer 3 if 3 survive. It is possibe to refreeze so we will refreeze one if all 4 survive the thaw, but thats unlikely.

So, nothing new here, except just a thought my husband planted in my head last night that brought me back down to earth. I was talking about alternative therapies because I was considering reike (which DH was not in favor of, so I'll skip that) and I was readng about accupuncture and, since my insurance covers it, I think I'll try it with my upcoming FET. I was explaining to my DH about all the studies that conclude accupuncture really improves the chances of a BFP. His reply was "Do you know what else has been proven to really help in all aspects of health and healing?............prayer! " Right at that moment I realized I have not spent nearly enough time in conversation with God lately and I feel very ashamed....I know He wants to know me and is just right there waiting for me to talk to Him. I will be making more time for God.