Down Day

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 8:22 pm

I knew if anyone would understand it would be you guys. I got to work today and the girl who started on the same day as me had had her baby over the weekend, she was only 24 weeks gone so I am just praying that their little girl (all 1 1/2lb) will be okay. It really upset me brought my miscarriage back and for some reason I felt such a guilty feeling as we had been speaking last week about pregnancies etc and although I didn't say much I feel really guilty and I can't explain why. It's been a hard day emotionally. My boss was really good to me and told me it is natural for me to still be grieving, although I see it as a sign of weakness at times. She has been through similar experience so at least she understands. I'm sorry to go on I just needed to get it off my chest as I feel like it is weighing on me. I sound really selfish like it's all about me and not about my colleague but I am worried for her too as she must be going through the mill at the mo. I'm just a mixed up mess at the mo. Thanks for listening/reading. Don't really expect a response. Lisa(Loonpants) xxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Mon Oct 13, 2003 9:19 pm

Hi Lisa Just want to send you a hug. I have n't been through a miscarraige like you have so can only imagine the pain of it. I can understand how something like this will of course bring back the feelings and sadness that is there in you, because of loosing your own little baby. Shortly after I had my last negative treatmeant a really old school friend of mine became pregnant. She was n't in a steady relationship or anything but she was really pleased about the pregnancy. She often rang me up to tell me about her scans etc. It really began to effect me and I was so angry and jealous and eaten up with sadness after everything I a had been through. Anyway, I really backed away from her because I could n't cope. In the end she lost the baby and like you I felt so guilty about it all. I have talked to her about it since then and can see that I was so sad myself I just could n't cope. It is just the way things are. It is only natural that we find some pregnancies more difficult than others to cope with. I think most of us will know that sense of guilt too. Anyway, Lisa I don't think I have helped much or even made sense. I just wanted you to know that I do empathise. I hope your colleague and her baby are okay too. Love from Gracex

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:24 am

you hang in there. there aint a damn thing wrong with what you are feeling. you didnt make her baby come early. give yourself a big hug. i am not any expert but i do think that it is normal to wonder why all of these people can have babies and get pregnant so easy. and we would all be woderful mothers and we are left out. i wouldnt want any one to go threw what we have all been threw ,but i do wonder why? ii am so sorry that yuou are going threw this. friday i had to take one of are kids in for surgery on his shoulder. after surgery they had us go in the labor room while he recovered.. i started to cry and the nusre patted me on the back and said that it had been along day.. i went in the bathroom to get my self together and there on the wall was a bunch of photos on how to hold your baby while you are breast feeding.. then i really lost it. but then damien started to cry so i had to get myself together .. but i dont understand. i am sorry. i was supposed to cheer you up. damien is are 17 yerar old. he has been with us for 4 years. he had hurt his shoulder playing football. he is doing good. he went in today for his first therapy today.. i geuss that is all that i realy can say. HANG IN THERE you are a very good person. love becky

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:29 am

its just me again. i was going to e-mail you but i lost it. e-mail me so i will have it again. it is ogr@direcway.com love becky ps hello grace.

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 9:29 am

Hi Lisa, Sorry I've not been in touch for such a long time but wanted to leet you know that you are in my thoughts often. Please don't ever feel guilty about the feelings you have for your own loss - you have had to endure more than a person should. Your feelings are natural and won't just disappear - yes, slowly life is more bearable but things like this will bring them back with avengence. Even good news will, I know. Without trying to sound cruel, don't even worry about your colleague - I'm sure she will have her own support circle and you have enough to deal with. Anyone with any sense would understand, or not be worth worrying over. I'm not sure how long it is before your dh gets back, but you know that you can ring me anytime (I'll e-mail you my phone number in case you haven't got it) if you feel you want to talk - if not me, then someone else, don't feel you are alone in this. Sending you (and Becky and Grace) big hugs lots of love Fiona xxxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 10:35 am

Hey Lisa, I know I'm butting in on your thread but just want to add that like you I will be praying for your colleague's little 1 1/5 pound mite, that she makes it through and gets stronger each day. Don't you feel bad about your feelings or guilty in any way - you are certainly not selfish at all and are considerate of others even in your own grief. What you've had to handle is really more than the human body & spirit is generally designed for, and it takes vast amounts of strength that you just have to dredge up from somewhere cos there's no other option. Thinking of you and wishing you comfort - lots of love Jo. XXXXX

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 3:54 pm

You guys are so wondeful and have made me cry but that is a good thing sometimes. One silver lining for me is that DH is home tomorrow for two weeks (he's been away for 11 weeks so far) I have missed him like mad as he is my best friend as well as anything else. He has to go back for another six weeks and then we can look forward to Christmas together which is an added bonus considering he was supposed to be away originally. Down days are made worse by feeling a little bit lonely I'm sure, but when you guys tell me stuff I feel like I have lots of friends who care. Love to you all Best Wishes Lisa(Loonpants) xxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 4:51 pm

i am glad that you are feeling better. is there any way that when your dh goes can you go with him. please dont ever think that you are alone. you have lots of people that are here. love becky

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:38 pm

Becky Not posible to go with hubby on this occasion. They sometimes get sent away for four month detachments and wifey has to stay and keep the home fires burning. Now if he was going for three years I could go. So time is precious and I will be making the most of my next two weeks! Who knows the miracle fairy might work once again :~) Love to you all. Thanks for being so supportive. Lisa(Loonpants) xx

Dee · Post by **Dee** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:37 pm

Lisa I don't often post these days, but I wanted to today when I read your message. I think everyone has had those guilty feelings - you feel guilty for begrudging someone else what you can't have. Then if things don't work out for them, you feel even more guilty. For me it was one of my best friends who fell pg for the 2nd time. She didn't tell me - probably because she knew about our infertility. However of course I guessed, because I had that 6th sense that you develop which enables you to sniff out a pg woman at 40 paces. I felt hurt that she hadn't told me - then guilty for feeling like that. I resented her having her 2nd pregnancy since we had been trying since before she fell pg the 1st time - and I felt guilty for feeling like that. She was 41 and I felt guilty for not feeling pleased that she had fallen pg so easily. Then she had a m/c and my feelings of guilt just multiplied. And to be honest I then had a feeling that will probably make you think that I am a really bad person - I thought 'at least you know that you can get pg again' - and I still feel guilty for feeling like that. The main thing that I got from this site was the knowledge that the various feelings that I had when I was going through IUI/IVF were all very normal. I realised that everyone has similar feelings and I was not (a) a bad person and (b) going mad. I was sorry to hear that your hubby is away - that is crap. Make sure you enjoy every minute of his trip home. And I will be praying for another little miracle. Lots of Love Dee xxxx.

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 10:51 am

Lisa just wanted to say have a wonderful time with dh - you both deserve it and let's hope the miracle fairy pays a visit. As for you feelings well nothing to add on the others - I feel exactly the same way. In the village there were 5 of us pg and two of us due the same day me and one other girl Denise who accidently got pregnant by one of the farm hands and does not want the baby. She sits up the pub drinking double gins and smoking fags like a trooper and there was me taking vitamins, no alcoohol, no caffeine, no nothing really and lost mine at 20 weeks - at times I feel like kicking her off the pub stool except I don't go there and haven't been since losing the baby. She has no idea I am ivf - the other lady in the village who is 41 lost hers at 31 weeks from a cord strangling the baby. This was the furthest she has got in 7 years and has had 3 early miscarriages and thought this was her time. She lost hers 2 weeks before me. I still mourn for our baby and still await the pm results to see why it died. Sometimes I feel like a right witch as bev said she was starting to try again after she lost Trinny at 31 weeks 2 months ago. I thought well at least you can try and then felt awful as she is 41 and had m/c - what a horrible person I am. I suppose what I am trying to say is that time distances us from our loss and we learn to live with it but never forget it. It is human to feel envy and jealousy etc. I have my dh and you have yours only his work takes him away from you. Stay strong and I hope you will find your dream. Love Tracey xxx

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