Back again!

[Lorraine]

Sorry Girls - I wasn't being ignorant - just taking a break from posting.<br><br>Thanks for the messages and kind thoughts - I'm hanging in there but I am embarrassed to admit I never made it back to work as I planned - which I think in part explains why I haven't been posting. <br><br>I had a lovely holiday with my DH in Scotland - it was beautiful and serene ...... and cathartic - we laughed and cried and talked and talked. <br>I remember telling you Becky (on my friends advice) to be aware that couples grieve very differently and at different paces and yet I am ashamed to admit sometimes I forgot this. I know many times I have been so self absorbed with grief that I didn’t take the time to hold David’s hand when he might have needed it, I also know at times I have judged him badly for not being 'upset enough' - whatever that might mean! But thankfully the holiday helped us to find some balance again - thank God - as he means the world to me and I couldn’t bear anything jeopardising the love and respect we have for each other. He has and continues to be my guardian angel, he is quiet and gentle, constantly trying to "smooth" the way for me - I owe him so much.<br><br>Like some of you have written before - some days I feel (almost) OK and then the black cloud moves back over and I can’t shake it off for days. In general though, I am calmer, less anxious, even less tearful. I think less about the whole IVF process as I see that as behind me now and I know only time will help me to sort out my heart and mind about remaining childless but that is not what troubles me - I have never felt such self loathing, such a lack of control over my own destiny that I now feel totally disempowered. I barely recognise myself anymore. But despite this I am DETERMINED to get back on my feet and find a NEW (improved) me……so I continue with the counselling and stuff – I’ve not given up yet!<br><br>Even though I haven’t been posting – I do “check up” on you all - lots! <br><br>Becky - its lovely to read your posts about the ranch and your boys, the courage and determination you have shown since Moses died is so inspiring. You asked about my friends (their baby daughter died in January) and they are healing slowly, both of them have been troubled with health issues but are well at the moment and I think soon they will try to get pregnant again - a difficult decision, but they tell me their daughter opened their hearts and showed them that being parents is what they want above all else and so nothing else except another child would ever make them feel (almost) whole again. Obviously that’s not about replacing what they have lost but about fulfilling the dreams she awoke in them. With all my heart I wish them well.<br><br>Sharon – those swollen ankles sound awful – poor you, but lets hope they are just a practice run - a kind of sign of what else is to come - like a huge big fat positive! I think of you often – I have my fingers crossed for you.<br><br>Jo – How are you? You must be over 16 weeks now – the last time we spoke you were about to announce your news – what a splendid day that must have been!<br><br>Grace – I have just had a nose on the other side to see where you are up to – I see you may be having ec Friday – fingers and toes crossed for you that there are lots of lovely quality embies. You may be an old pro at this game but I don’t suppose the 2ww gets any easier!! Thinking of you.<br><br>Well – its no wonder I haven’t posted for so long when I write such epic long sagas – that should keep you going for a while!!<br><br>Much Love<br>Lorraine xxxxxxx

[ogr1]

i am glad you are back. it is great that you had a great holiday with your hubby.<br> and i am glad that your friends are doing something. i want to know what you are going to do for you. <br> give yourself lots of hugs and time and even thoou its hard and it is at times so damn hard, i come here and sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it worries me and sometimes it makes me feal better. but at least i am feeling something. and sometimes i just need to read and see that i am ok and that we need to move even if we dont want to. i have to make myself get up most of the time. and i have never prayed so much in my hole life.<br>so what plans do you have what are your thoughts?<br>but first give yourself a hug and remember everyday is a knew day. i hope i have made some sence. alot of the times when i reread what i have written it doesnt sound like what i wanted it to.<br>any way i am glad that you are here!!!<br> love becky

[Lorraine]

Bless you Becky – thank you for your words. You do of course make sense! <br>I know you are away at the moment - I hope the trip helps to lighten your heart in some way. You mention making a memorial trip for a baby you lost a long time ago – I imagine that your recent bereavement has made the memories of a long carried grief resurface more sharply again – a reminder of what you have lost – not just once. <br>I am learning that the only way to truly heal is to let all the hurt and pain go …… to let it flow from you … to carry such a burden for the rest of our days would be too heavy …… but if we can relieve ourselves of much of it then what is left will be easier to carry with us. Oh dear now it is me making no sense!<br>I hope you enjoy the time spent by the sea – there is something so healing about water – I guess that’s why I love Scotland so much – all those Lochs. We live on the beachfront – definitely not as glamorous as that sounds – remember we are talking England here – and more to the point the North Sea – brrrrrrrrr very chilly! However that said – the sunsets are still lovely! Actually maybe you have just inspired me to go and take a walk!<br>Lots of love from <br>Lorraine<br>xxxxx

[Jo Locker]

Hi Lorraine - how lovely to hear from you. I know that the pain won't ever diminish, but I'm sure you can build on what you have with your DH. I know that we have been extremely lucky with our ICSI having worked but like everyone else we had pondered what we'd do when we arrived at the end of our money/strength for this. The answers don't come easy and I was truly dreading it, and you're living it, which I hate for you and for the others. I never get over the guilt of being one of the lucky ones - I used to think "why us?" over the infertility, now I think "why us?" over the fact that it worked.<br><br>Now don't start telling me off for feeling like this - I can't change the way I am but this is not to say that I am not truly thankful and grateful and joyful every single day for our baby and that I don't absolutely love being pregnant ( 18 wks ). It's just that sometimes you feel you've gone on, and left your friends "trapped" in a bad place, having scrambled out yourself by the skin of your teeth.<br><br>On a positive note - things are progressing well, no problems so far - due for 20+ week scan on 5/11 so halfway there which I find amazing!!.<br><br>Wishing you comfort and Lots of Love - Jo. XXXXXX<br> <br><br><br><br><br><br><br>[Edited by Jo Locker on 20-Oct-03 04:08]