Facing the future

luce · Post by **luce** » Fri Oct 31, 2003 7:11 am

Hi ladies Well, it's finally time for me to join you on here. We have been ttc for 5 years, and have had 3 unsuccessful ICSI attempts, the last one finishing just 2 days ago. We agreed up front that we would give it 3 goes (some people may think this is not many, but everyone has their limits), and we're sticking with it - we couldn't go through the emotional and physical strain of it all again. After 5 years (half of our married life), we want to feel like our lives aren't on hold any longer, we just want to try and get on and live, no matter how hard that sometimes seems. We are not considering adoption, for our own personal reasons. We have managed to survive the last couple of days by doing all sorts of things that make us feel better in the short term. We drank wine (yummy), went shopping to Bluewater, booked a holiday and started stripping the wallpaper from the room that we would have used as a nursery - we moved into our house last year and didn't start to decorate a couple of rooms because we weren't sure if we'd have children. Now that that is a certainty, we felt it was the right thing to do to get in there and start decorating it in an adult fashion! It has all helped in some small way to ease the pain for now, although the bigger picture still scares the hell out of both of us. We wrote a letter to our families so that we didn't have to go through it all 7 times on the phone (I have a big family) - the letter explained that it was all over, and that we weren't trying again etc, and it gave them some handy hints of things not to say, eg, "Now that you've stopped trying it'll probably happen". Writing it helped to get some of the tears out.... As for moving forward, well, Pete is going back to work today. I took a 6 month career break for this last attempt, so now I have to decide what to do as I am due to go back on January 2nd. I can't imagine going back to work, largely because I have worked there through all IVF attempts, and it is quite close to the clinic. I also don't know whether I can cope with the looks of sympathy from colleagues - I'd rather start afresh somewhere else. However, I think I might leave it till the new year as I can't face looking for jobs whilst my confidence is low. I also do not know what it is that I want to do any more - sounds silly really that I have the opportunity to rethink my career, and I just don't know what to do! Another reason not to make any decisions till after Christmas. All these are just ways to cope going forward, but nothing will mend the fact that I feel like a failure as a woman. I find it hard to deal with not being able to do what it is that I was put on the earth to do, and I feel less female because of it. Pete is fantastic and doesn't blame me at all, although I blame myself for our infertility. We are also both angry and bitter about IVF - we no longer have faith in it, nor do we approve of the amounts of money involved - we have spent a total of £13000 on our 3 attempts and for what? We also find it hard to see all these people with children who either abuse them or just don't value them...it's sickening. So why am I posting? Well, just to help get my thoughts straight, to reach out to others who are in the same situation, and to offer support to the same people. We don't know any other couples who are involuntarily childless - we have a couple of friends who have elected not to have children, but no one else has tried and failed. We both therefore feel the need to find a network of couples who have experienced the same pain and face the same challenges in their futures. Not quite sure how to finish this post other than to say that although we all are having to give up on our dreams, we will survive it, somehow. There are no magic formulae, everyone is different and we can help each other through it by sharing what does and doesn't work for each of us. Love Lucy xxx

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Fri Oct 31, 2003 10:31 am

Dear Lucy and Pete, I just want to say so many things, but finding it hard to put them into words. I will start with saying a very inadequate thanks for sharing a difficult part of our lives. As with every friend I have made on this and FF's site, I will never forget that friendship and would like to keep in touch as our lives progress in the varied way they will, but totally understand if you need to distance yourself from this. I'd also like to wish you all the best in your decision of a career move - it sounds best to start afresh but can imagine this brings with it a mix of emotions - including being scared and excited. I'm not sure I'm doing very well here, but I send you all the hugs that will go down the cyber waves to give you an extra little boost for the road ahead. Remember, you have endured so much - your strength and confidence is in there, it perhaps just needs a little coaching out. I hope you and others will forgive me for coming over this side, I know it is not really my place to be here, but I couldn't see a friend move on without at least saying goodbye. For Lucy and others, you are wonderful people - never forget that. lots of love Fiona xxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Fri Oct 31, 2003 5:27 pm

fiona its your place to be where ever you want to be. if you have something to say and if it bight help someone or just yourself then you should say it. lucy just know that not being able to get prgnant is not your fault. it is not anything thing that you did or didnt do. i think that along with a hundred other thoughts go threw are heads. you might even change your mind a bunch of different times. this was sent to me and i thought i would pass it along Dearest Becky, We just want you to know how much we appreciate what you did for Marjie and now LD. No one knows the sacrifice and loving care that goes into the care of someone who cannot care for themselves. You have been such a great blessing to the whole family. Whenever I've struggled and am going through a hard time,the answer is always prayer, scripture study, and service. If you just make it an absolute thing in the morning as you roll out of bed, to drop to your knees and pray to Heavenly Father. Pour out your heart to him, and ask Him to help you through the day. Look for the things you have to be thankful for and thank Him for them. When you are through, listen. Thoughts will come to your mind. Ponder them and know Heavenly Father has listened to your prayer. Second, open your scriptures and read. Even if you only have time for one verse---it will help. They are like letters from home--our heavenly home. There is so much for us to learn from them. Third, think of one of your friends, family or relative that is having a tough time, and just give them a call and tell them you were thinking of them, and just wanted to express your love to them. It is surprising how this works. The Lord has told us that "inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, ye have done it unto me." In other words, anything you do for another person (LD) or any of the boys, your friends and family, you are serving our Heavenly Father and He will bless you for it. All of these experiences that we go through here, will help us grow in our love if we will let it. We all are trying to emulate the love the Savior had for us. He is our example. Read in the New Testament all about His life. When we take the sacrament, we are renewing our baptismal covenants, to try to be like Him. Little Moses had a mission. What a special spirit he must have been to be willing to only take a couple of breaths here in mortality, and then leave. He was so pure and also so willing to give up his mortality, so his parents would be led to the temple. Also, for his brothers and the other boys to be baptized. There is no question in my mind of his mission. Now we must do all we can to live worthy to be with him through eternity. He wouldn't want you to be sad, Becky. Neither does Heavenly Father. He is always there for you, if you but ask. Can't remember whether I sent you this poem or not. It is titled "Hello God" Hello God, I called tonight To talk a little while I need a friend who'll listen To my anxiety and trial. You see, I can't quite make it Through a day just on my own... I need your love to guide me, So I'll never feel alone. I want to ask you please to keep My family safe and sound. Come and fill their lives with confidence For whatever fte they're bound. Give me faith, dear God, to face Each hour throughout the day. And not to worry over things I can't change in any way. I thank you God for being home And listening to my call, For giving me such good advice When I stumble and fall. Your number, God, is the only one That answers every time. I never get a busy signal. Never had to pay a dime. So thank you, God, for listening To my troubles and my sorrow. Good night, God, I love You too, And I'll call again tomorrow! Hope this has helped you, dear Becky. We will be praying for you tonight that you will find comfort and peace in knowing how loved you are by our Heavenly Father. He is always there for you, so don't hesitate to call on Him anytime. We love you. Correne i hope thiss doesnt offend anybody . this has helped me in my darkest hour. hope it my help. love becky

Lisa Ch · Post by **Lisa Ch** » Sat Nov 01, 2003 11:45 am

Lucy I am just going through my second IVF and like Fiona feel like I should maybe not be posting on this side. However I read everyones posts constantly and am always touched by your thoughts/words. I just wanted to add that everyone who is going through/been through any form of fertility treatment would recognise completely where you are coming from and understand all your thoughts and feelings. We are all strong and special people and Becky's words just say it all. Don't try and feel obliged to rush a recovery that won't happen overnight. Take time out and do little things that help you and dh. Thanks you Becky for sharing this with us, had a good cry for the first time this week, and it felt good. Will print it out and keep it on my dresser. Thinking of you Love Lisa xx Take care

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sat Nov 01, 2003 12:38 pm

Dear Luce Just popped in to check on you - told you I would. I whole-heartedly agree with your decision not to return to the same company and how taking time out changes your perspective about your previous work life. Have you thought about perhaps starting your own business? As a business analyst you should be very well placed to give it a good shot. I stopped work in August and realised about 4 weeks ago that I can never go back and work for anyone else again. have tried two careers now (engineering and the law)and neither have given me the control over my life that I crave, but have just read the Hashemis' book about starting up Coffee Republic and it has got me really fired up. I know that if we aren't lucky enough to have kids (and even perhaps if we are) this is what I want to do, as I believe that my nurturing side can in some way find a vent through this - after all if you set it up, the venture becomes your baby. not sure yet what my business will be, but keep having whacky ideas. seems that once you brain starts thinking about ideas it never shuts down!! even thought about importing snow blowers from the States - becky, am sure you have one of these. we don't have them over here even though our winters are getting worse!! I know traci has set up her own busineess so am going to ring her to get some tips. Other things I have found very helpful have been doing voluntary work at a blind school down the road - the kids are great and some of their problems (a lot of them have other serious complications as well) really put things into perspective for me in the last couple of weeks. whatever you do I truly hope you find something that you can feel passionately about. if you ever need to chat send me an email (have left my address on the ARGCers 2 thread) and I will let you have my phone number. we could meet up for a day's shopping at Bluewater as it's only 45 minutes from me. LOL and hugs beckym xxx

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sat Nov 01, 2003 5:42 pm

Lucy - thanks for your post and for sharing your thoughts. You sound so bloody organised with letters, and decorating and stuff! We too have the untouched room - currently used for laundry - which we'd always planned would be the nursery. I hope all the activity is proving at least a distraction, and hopefully therapeutic, and that you and Pete are able to talk about what you're going through and keep close. So are you and Becky both south London/Kent ARGCers? I'm in Bromley, so as Becky says p'raps nearer Christmas when we've got our cycles out the way we should meet up? Can't think of else anything remotely helpful to say, except to please keep in touch whether "virtually" or in person. Much love Alison x

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 4:51 am

hi becky i think its great that we are talking about snow blowers. we used them when we lived in the city. but her at home in the country we use a tractor. the snow blower is great for sidewalks and paved drive ways. its awful on drive ways that arnt paved., and when we get 5 or 6 inches at a time and its heavey snow then they dont work very good. back in 95 we had so much sonw that it coverd are fences. i will have to find the photos and send them out. love becky

MaryB · Post by **MaryB** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 4:43 pm

Dear Lucy I was really moved by your message as you put into words everything I am feeling at the moment. We too have just failed our fourth attempt at ICSI. Although we never set a limit on the number of attempts, we feel so emotionally wrecked that we don't know if we can take any more. I used to think I was a strong person but all this has really torn me apart. Like you I feel that after 5 years TTC I want my life back. I know too, that sense of failure and feel also that I've let everyone down, especially when I see them so upset. I think you're right to organise some "treats", we're trying to do the same so that in those dark days we have something to look forward to. I also think you are right not to rush back into work - having gone back myself I have no motivation and really don't want to be there. I wish I could offer you some help, but I wanted you to know you are not alone and to thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. Best wishes Mary B

Amanda A · Post by **Amanda A** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 6:34 pm

Hi Lucy, I don't have too much to add except that I wanted to check up on you and send lots of love & support. The letter idea sounds like a really good one and so does the new job. I can understand about leaving the job hunting until you get your confidence back a bit, I think that lots of us find that all this infertility business takes our confidence away. Well done for tackling the decorating, I expect it must have been a hard thing to do, we all have those spare laundry rooms! Take good care, Rach X

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Wed Nov 05, 2003 4:14 pm

Dear Lucy and Pete I am so sorry you find yourself on this side of the board - sometimes life is definitely an up hill struggle. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us – you may think you were just off loading or organising your thoughts – but for me - I felt you were writing MY inner thoughts – quite extraordinary – so I thank you especially, for making me feel ‘normal’ somehow to know others are experiencing even the same pain is a comfort (sorry that sounds terrible!) but in some way it validates your own and confirms you are neither alone or silly. After 7 years of ttc and 3 IVF cycles we are beginning to deal with 'letting go' - phrases like 'giving up' are banned (for me) as that suggests it was within my power to become pregnant - which obviously it isn't - so anything which emphasises the feeling of failure is a definite no no! Like you - I have struggled with the number of cycles (3) - even fearing that people would judge me for not trying hard enough (a big family philosophy!) but what I have learned is that it is more important to listen to our instincts and stop before the process is TOO destructive (to our bodies, minds, hearts, relationships, families, etc.....!) It has taken me several months to recognise (and actually believe!) that letting go is actually a POSITIVE decision. There have been many days when I would have gladly undertaken another cycle rather than face another day trying to accept a life without the hope of achieving our dream - and that is pretty extraordinary considering I now have no faith in the IVF route (for me)! As for feeling a failure others will attest that I have written many long messages on this very issue! (They are on this board – the girls who have helped me have been very inspiring and comforting in their replies) I am sorry to say that I barely recognise myself sometimes such is the loss of confidence – but I am working on it and will continue to do so. Even now, it is so surprising to me how much I invested in my life to becoming a mother – I absolutely never believed it was a given right, I was highly practical about the IVF process and it’s success rates, and I have never allowed others to give me false hope – AND YET – as you say it infiltrated every aspect of my life. I too realise now that the house decorating stopped when it got to the stage of deciding between children’s bathroom/bedroom/playroom and guest shower room/study/dinning room. We haven’t been abroad since we married as we were always considering treatment cycles and potential pregnancies or getting over yet another loss. Hubby bought a practical BMW when he decided to sell the sports car – and we both know why but we never actually said it………..the list is endless without ever saying it or even realising it every decision made or aspect of our lives was influenced by the endless possibility and silent hope. It is no wonder then that it takes so long to heal from such a loss, to find a new path with new goals – which ARE meaningful, and to readjust to this new way of life. I know that we all walk at a different pace but it’s so good to know people are walking the same road as you are - and it's even better have people to walk with AND TALK TO!!! I wish you both all the very best – I wish for you – what I wish for us – a fulfilling happy bright and meaningful life with true peace in your heart. With Love from Lorraine xxxxx

luce · Post by **luce** » Wed Nov 05, 2003 5:56 pm

Lorraine Wow, am I glad you're here. I was beginning to think there weren't many of us around! I post on another site, fertility friends, and I seem to be the only one on there who has bravely decided to face a childless life, and I feel terribly lonely. It's spooky too that we seem to have the same thoughts and feelings. I have worried too about people not thinking we have tried hard enough by deciding only on 3 cycles, but then I remind myself that other's opinions don't matter, it is what Pete and I think that matters. I like the use of 'letting go' rather than giving up. It seems more positive! In an attempt to do the same I have looked for books that help you to put a more positive spin on this choice - have you bought any yourself? I have also requested information from www.moretolife.co.uk. find it hard to talk about all this with all the people I am close to, both with and without children, largely because they don't really understand - sure they can sympathise, but they don't truly understand. And in their keenness to comfort, they do sometimes come out with things that drive me to distraction, eg, now that you've stopped trying, it'll just happen. Agggghhh. Lorraine, thanks for sharing, and I hope we can continue to do this through the ups and downs. Love Lucy xxx By the way, which part of the country are you in?

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Nov 06, 2003 4:36 pm

Lucy - I have written to you and Grace on the the 'don't know what to say' thread. Lorraine xxxx

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