How is everyone???

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 5:10 pm

Hello everyone How are you all??? This part of the site has been quiet for a while so I though I would just check in and say hello. Sometimes you feel there is nothing more to say or at least I often think that. At the same time it is nice to know that there are others who may be feeling the same. I am okay. I thought I was doing very well but must admit had a bad day yesterday. No particular reason and nothing set me off but just felt pretty down. Sometimes everything seems so hopeless and pointless. My sisters were trying to chivvy me along, talking about Christmas and making plans but I just felt detatched. Today I feel alot better, again for no particular reason. How does everyone feel about the run up to Christams??? it can be a difficult time for us I know. Personally I like it and in a way it is a bit of a diversion from real life, at the same time can be bitter sweet. I say every Christmas maybe this time next year .......well you know the rest. Well, hope everyone is coping okay. I check in most days so if you feel like saying anything please do. It helps knowing I am not alone. Love to all Gracexxx

alice · Post by **alice** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:40 pm

Hi Grace, this time of year is hard for me too. I really stuggle with xmas in regards to the fact that every year we think.. this time next year we will have a child, and year after year nothing. Sorry but I really hate it. Its hard to be jollied along isn't it. however, this year is easier as you do adapt and I promise that it will get better. DOn't expect to feel happy and do take time to be sad if you want. I think I have cried the last 2 xmas' but then we got drunk and it wasn't so bad. Grace,please hang in there you are mmost ceratinly not alone. My best advice is avoid situations that upset you as you are the most important person in your world (apart form DH). take care alicexxxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 4:59 am

hello grace and alice be very gentle with yourselves. the hurt that we all share goes very deep.i dont think that there are any real words that would cure the hurt. just try and not let it rule your life. we are all great people. it was sad to see that no one has posted. so i am glad that you posted grace.. thank you. we where gone for the wkend and as you know grace we had the most amazing time. i have never felt so loved and so clean and pure and so peaceful.. my hope and dreamss is that someday everyone will have that. i know that on the 25 will be a very hard day but i do know that we will get threw it now. and like i e-mailed you grace that i feel that each time we do a et and we get a - it is like having a mc. so make sure and give yourself time..like elaine told me the wound does heal but there will always be a scar. has any one herd from tracye? love to all becky

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:15 am

Hello here I am - the puppy has been keeping me on my toes (mainly to keep my feet out of the poop!) She is gorgeous but very tiring! Still no pm results - crikey how long - 11 weeks now! And as for me - well I am not looking forward to xmas - baby would have been due just after so not a good one - and am broke too - all far too much and have been hearing xmas carols in the shops since sodding Halloween - leavve it in December I say! Preferably next one. Hope you are all well - Grace and Becky - will send you piccies of Gabbie (grace know how useless you are in downloading them!) Check in soon Love to all Tracey xxx

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:15 am

Hello here I am - the puppy has been keeping me on my toes (mainly to keep my feet out of the poop!) She is gorgeous but very tiring! Still no pm results - crikey how long - 11 weeks now! And as for me - well I am not looking forward to xmas - baby would have been due just after so not a good one - and am broke too - all far too much and have been hearing xmas carols in the shops since sodding Halloween - leavve it in December I say! Preferably next one. Hope you are all well - Grace and Becky - will send you piccies of Gabbie (grace know how useless you are in downloading them!) Check in soon Love to all Tracey xxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 12:29 pm

i just e-mailed you tracey. i have been worried since i havent herd anything from you or elain. you guys cant do that to me.. i am glad to here about your puppy . they do make lots of messes. i sure wish that i was blessed with words to help with the pain. what did they say would be the lastes for the pm results? cant your doc put a rush on it!!!!!!!!!!!! try and hang on to the fact that you do still have frosties!!!!!!!! and that you should beable to have them after christmas. or close to it. and i am still waiting for the photos from your trip back to itly. and i cant wait to see your puppy. how is hubby doing? mine is doing a lot better. did you get the photos that i e-mailed you? and hello to everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i make it threw christmas by over doing everything. i decorate the house to the helt. sure i spelled that one wrong. and i make alot of home made candy. love becky

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:10 pm

Hi guys Just wanted to say thanks for posting Grace I sometimes feel like posting then don't really know how to put stuff into words. I have good days and bad days depending on what is happening and whether anyone says anything to set me off. I went home at the weekend and my mom kept saying I wish I could buy this but I haven't got a baby to buy for and I had to say to her that I didn't need reminding. I feel such a failure at times. It was the happiest Christmas for us last year as we got pregnant naturally and then it all went pear shaped in February so this Christmas will be a reminder. We are taking ourselves away to Disneyland Paris which I am looking forward to. We said we wouldn't go down the ICSI route again but are being referred to our local clinic so may go and see what's what in this country and weigh up our options, so maybe I am a fake for being on this side of the boards but I really did think the journey was over and now I'm not so sure. God don't you just hate those days when you are so mixed up? I can't wait for hubby to get back home next week, maybe then I will be happier in myself. You guys are great and I'm glad you are my friends. Lots of love and best wishes Lisa(Loonpants) xxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Nov 20, 2003 2:02 pm

Good to hear from you all. I really appreciate being able to share my thoughts and feelings with you all. You are all a great support. I have had a S**t morning at work. I am not on top of things at all. I ended up bursting in to tears about something really stupid. I know I was not crying about that, but crying because I failed my last cycle. I know failed it not a nice word but that is how I feel an utter failure. My boss brought me home. I have just phoned DH at work and that has made me feel alot better he is so good. This is all so hard, I just feel everything is out of control. My rational side is telling me that it is normal to through all this after everything but it is just so hard. I am the kind of person who on the outside seems fine but deep down I am not. At least I can come on here and say exactly how horrible this is and how hard and how unfair that we all have to through so much pain when we are all such nice people and deserve so much more. My little dog gets so upset when I cry and as I am sitting here he presenting me with all his toys, he always does this, and have to say it does make me smile. He is a great comfort. We are going to and see our consultant again in December. I think DH wants to try again. I am not sure. I mean I had defintely thought this was it. Now I am mixed up. I am worried because I don't want to become addicted to it and maybe all we are doing is putting off the fact that we must face up to the reality that we will never have children. I am worried that DH might only be saying that he wants to try again as he really can't bear to see me in such pain and so hopeless. I can't tell you how mixed up I feel about it all. I wish I could be 100% one way or the other and then just move on but I just don't know. Does anyone else have these doubts? Sorry for going on but as you can see I am having a bad day, or week really. I am going to take doggy out for a walk in a bit that will help. Hope you are all doing okay. Thanks for being there, I really, really mean that. There is noone else whom I can say all this to. Big hug to you all. Love Gracexx PS Lisa, of course you are not a fake coming on here. You like us all have been through so much and it is important that you can share things with us.x.

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Thu Nov 20, 2003 4:47 pm

i wish us all to be happy.!!!!! but to post or not to post. i dont think there is a wrong place to post. i do think that it would be wrong not to post if you wanted to post.!!!!!!!!! ivf or not ivf: just my thoughts, if you have the money and it is something that you both agree upon and if the doc gives you hope then why not? just dont lose yourself in the process. you and your dh are the most important. and i think that a neg is a loss. so make sure that you can make it threw it. i would hate to lose a friend. women are women with or with out children look at oprah and dolly parten and there are lots more. we are not failures. life i think as failed us!!! i have said this before that my ivf doc and his wife went threw ivf several times and had had neg and mc and know they have twin boys. they are 5 now. so i think that there is always hope but i know that i love all of are children that have come to are home. and having children may not be the way that we think we should be having them.. there is donors, adoption i have even thought about surgacey ( spelled wrong) but no matter what you are the most wonderful women i have ever known!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you all love becky

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Nov 20, 2003 5:52 pm

Hi Girls Sorry I haven't been posting lately either - can't seem to find anything new to say - and I'm tired of feeling so low. Grace I am so sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it, like you tell yourself - it's sooooo early yet, you can't really expect to be 'on top of it' so soon. Be gentle with yourself. As for trying again - only you can answer that, you must be honest with yourself, work out if another attempt is what you want, and at what cost to you. In the first few months I secretly harboured desires to try again (and sometimes I still do) - but for me I know it's only as a way of keeping the hope alive and avoiding facing up to being childless. My husband David offered me chances to continue with treatment but when he was honest it was only in a bid to placate me and to try to soothe the tears and heartbreak but he was relieved that I didn't want to put us both through another cycle and worse the loss. I know for me the personal cost would be too high and so I must embrace the CHOICE (even if it doesn't feel like much of one!) that we have made. I make it sound so easy! These days are so dark for us all. Christmas will be difficult for us all too, I love the season, and I love the time we spend together as a family but it somehow underlines all that we have not achieved. That feeling of failure is so haunting - it's like having a nasty voice inside undermining every attempt I make to crawl out of this hole. It's just so hard. Im sorry girls I am not doing much to cheer us up am I? Im jealous of all those warm cuddles you are getting from your lovely dog Grace - give him a big squeeze from me! Lot's of love from Lorraine xxxxxxxx

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Sat Nov 22, 2003 1:19 pm

Whenever I come on here and read the posts I feel a little better in myself not because I am happy that you are feeling low but that I'm not abnormal and the things I feel are real and that someone else out there understands exactly how I feel. I hate admitting I have weak moments cause I try and be strong and I don't really open up to anyone else but you guys. I have been having a hard week too Grace and although I love my friend who is coming to visit today I am dreading it because she is pregnant and it feels like this week everything has been popping up to remind me of something I haven't got. Hope maybe on the horizon, I had a letter through for the appointment for the clinic 16th Dec. Was a bit shocked as didn't expect anything till after Christmas. I am mixed up like you Grace, do we try again or not? We've been on a break from treatment for nearly two years now and I sometimes wonder can we do it again. I know if we were guaranteed a baby at the end of it we wouldn't think twice. I better go before I ramble on and on and on and never stop lol. Thanks for being such wonderful friends. Love and best wishes to you all. Lisa(Loonpants) xxxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sat Nov 22, 2003 5:39 pm

i hope you guys can take a moment and feel my arms around you and giving you all hugs. the next to months are very hard months. last thanksgiving at this time i was pregnant with are twins. and as you all know moses was due on the 25. the 24 last christmas found out that both twins had no heart beat. whitch brought back the horror of the loss of my son from years ago on christmas morning. had a d&c on the 26 and our twins were gone. but i get out of bed and i try and see what i do have ... and try not to think about what i dont have. i have a peace right now and i hope it never goes away. i miss all of my babies very much and i still hope that maybe some day i will be blessed to have a baby to hold in my arms. but i can now honestly look at babys and have a smile on my face.. i didnt think that i would ever beable to hold a baby again i thought that i would just curl up and die. but i held a little one last night and it felt great!!! who knows maybe i am going crazy but if this is what crazy is then i like it. i didnt think that i would beable to do thanksgiving , i just didnt have it in me. but i want thanksging now. i have been cookiong up a storm. all of the booys pick out a desert that they want me to cook and a side dish. we get out all of my cook books and they start picken.. it has been snowing here for 3 days and it is so beautiful .... the only prints out in the snow are the deer.i look out my back window and i see moses grave and where the willow tree lost its leaves now have snow on the limbs, and the brown grass and the dead flowers is now covered with snow. it looks so bright and beautiful.. and i am very thankful that i have all of you as friends!!! i know that no matter what happens that you are always here. i pray every morning that we all can find peace and happeness, and we never feel alone and lost. love becky

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Sun Nov 23, 2003 12:27 pm

Dear Becky What a beautiful description of where you live. Reading it, I can almost feel the peace that surrounds you. As you know we don't really have thanksgiving over here. I think it sounds like a lovely celebration though. Even though we don't have what we ultimately crave sometimes I know I do forget about all the good things in my life and deep down I am thankful for them. I don't think you are going crazy Becky. I think you have been through so much in your life and it seems to be you are incredibly sane. I can imagine that this week is going to be mega busy for you with all that cooking. It really sounds like you are the centre of a very happy home. I am sure all the boys must really adore you. Hope everyone else is okay. Thanks for all your words of wisdom last week. Lorraine, you sound so much stronger now, but I know it is still hard though. I think the group you have found sounds great. Love to Alice,Lisa and Tracy too. Hope you hear from you all soon. Hoping this coming week will be a good one for all of us. Love Gracexxx

Daisy Wallace · Post by **Daisy Wallace** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 10:14 am

Dear Grace I am new to the website and wish I had known of its existence before! I have been dealing with inferitlity for 10 yrs, during whihc time there have been much confusion over our diagnosis and treatment. My hubby & I have nearly divorced from the stress & pain of it all but are now on a much more positive (or accepting) road. We tried another IVF cycle this year and I truly beleived it would work but it failed. The only thing i have learnt from that, is that its ok to truly believe with every cell in my body that it would work. Knowing that has meant that I haven't been beating myself up at all, about being niave, stupid etc etc! I don't know if I can do another cycle, when i went back for the follow up meeting, as soon as I stepped through the door my heart dropped through the floor. There comes a point in time when you have to start valuing your mental strength & sanity and i don't want to risk that, so adoption (a baby from abraod) is looking like a positive alternantive. I, too feel very isolated from my family in that they don't know how to support me but i do feel very loved, which is an amzing thing to have. I am now trying to accpet that for what ever reason, this is my life and it's how it's supposed to be, so it must be right that this happening to me. I don't know why yet but when i do every one will know! I think I'm woffling now, but thanks for listening. My only suggestion is that you must be good to yourself and indulge your every whim (within reason!), because thats what you deserve. Love Daisy

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 1:43 pm

Hello Daisy I am glad you have found us. I have been using this forum for almost a year and has been a true revalation to me. I had felt so isolated and alone before. It makes a huge difference knowing that there are other people going through similar feelings and emotions. It is good to hear that you and your husband are so close all this angst really tests our relationships at times. Most of us seem very lucky to have such strong partnerships though which is great. I know exactly what you mean about feeling so awful about returning to the clinic for a review. I find that really, really hard. I had a negative cycle in November and went back last week I felt quite disturbed afterwards. It's not that everyone is n't lovely and caring it is just about what I feel inside. Really interested that you are thinking about overseas adoption. Have you joined Oasis? It is something we have talked about and still think about too. I liked what you said about accepting that this is your life so it must be right that you are going through this. That is very true but sometimes it is so hard is n't it? This side of the board is n't as busy as the others but a very supportive group of women use it and I am sure you will find it very helpful. Keep in touch Daisy. Love Gracex

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