not getting any easier...

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Wed Dec 10, 2003 11:01 pm

... and probably shouldn't expect it to be getting any easier just yet, after all its only 2 weeks since we found out for definite that it hadn't worked. There's no rationale though to the things that I'm able to cope with and the things that push me over the edge. Bravely I went to my 2 year old godson's birthday party on Sunday, and felt genuinely OK with it, despite being surrounded by four 2 year olds and 2 babies. And then went to work on Monday and had a new member of staff starting, so was going through various bits with him, and then at the end he asked to have one morning off next week cos his wife was going for her scan (baby's due March) and I very nearly burst into tears. I was completely taken aback by how upset I felt. DH has been struggling too. He'd not said much (strong, silent type!)and then on Monday evening out of no-where he was absolutely sobbing and sounded so desperate, and I just couldn't comfort him and felt so dreadful. I feel much more worried for him than for me - I have good friends who, whether or not we're really talking about things, know how to look after me. Saturday night was spent with 2 school-friends, a chocolate fondue, and George Clooney - you can't ask for much more than that. (Well actually you can, but let's not go there....) And my little brother phoned me tonight just to see how I was doing and we were on the phone for ages, and I felt very loved. But it is hard. I'm less convinced now than I was 2 weeks ago that we'd never try again. Part of me thinks, particularly with the recent successes, that I should be stronger and have one more go. And then I think that I'm just delaying the inevitable ultimate failure, and I should face up to the facts of not being able to have a baby. But as Julian keeps reminding me (and you do too) now's not the time for making big decisions - one day at a time.... Anyway girls, thanks for listening. I am so inspired and encouraged to read how you're dealing with things, and find it quite therapeutic to write about how I'm feeling. Oh yes, and we were talking about going out in London sometime. How about the first week in January (which is, after all, a pretty miserable time of year)? I think I can do any day that week except the Friday. Keep in touch, love Alison x

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Dec 11, 2003 6:36 pm

Hello Alison Sending you a hug and wanted to tell you that I truly indentify with everything you are going through. I am still finding it very hard at times. In fact in someways I feel worse now than I did 4 weeks ago. Maybe everything is beginning to sink in and it just feels horrible and empty. I am usually fine around babies but then something else will make me unduly sad so I know those feelings are there. I felt really sad last week when Gweneth Palthrow announced her pregnancy which is totally mad!!!! I am completely confused too. All the way through the last cycle I kept saying in my head "I am never doing this again" yet now I really don't know. Are you going back for your review? We went on Friday and the visit to the clinc really upset me. I think perhaps because last time I was there we were both so full of hope and positivity. We did n't hear anything new but then again I did n't expect to. Everyone there is really suprised that I am not pregnant. The last cycle and really every other one too was "perfect on paper". We transferred 1 nine cell grade 1 and 2 eight cells grade 2. We could n't have asked for better really. We have done every test under the sun it seems and everything looks okay. Except for a borderline raised nk level which should have been counter balanced by drugs. Perhaps we should have been braver and gone for blastocyst like you did, it is just hard to know. Usually they like to think of something new for the next cycle but I think except for blastocyst and perhpas PGD there is nothing else. I don't think they want to change the drugs if we did go again because I respond well to that combination. She did tell us the usual thing about numbers game etc etc and that they do have quite alot of women who have multiple attempts and do get there in the end. I am terrified of becoming addicted to the treatmeant and doing so not allowing myself to move and accept the fact that we can't have children. On the other hand I have to admit there is a part of me that wants to keep trying. I worry that I will be sorry in ten years time, when it is too late that I did not pursue it until there was no doubt in my mind. I know for some people that might be one attempt for another it might be ten it is so individual. Like you said Alison I suppose there is no real rush to make final decisions. Even though it is all horrible I am trying to focus on our life together. Like you I do feel very loved by family and I know that I am lucky there. Of course they cannot completely understand what it is like for us, but then again I cannot completely understand their paths in life either. My sister who has two young boys has been absolutely fantastic and funnily enough I feel more supported by her than anyone even though she has the kids. I think because she never tells me what to do but is always there if you know what I mean. I think it would be lovely if we could meet up. That week would be fine for me. I know Lou mentioned she would like to come along. I am sure some of the other girls would too???? Hopefully we can sort something out. Once again thanks for listening everyone I know I have gone on a bit but it does help. Lots of love to all Gracexxxx

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Fri Dec 12, 2003 7:59 am

Grace and Alison Just wanted to pop in and give you both a hug - I cannot pretend to know exactly what you both are going through as I am not in the same place any more than you can really know what I have gone through and am going through with funerals etc. Grace - the review - sorry it gave no answers - i don't think they have them in this case. Sometime it is good to swap tmts and do new things and other times it is better to repeat what has "worked" before - I suggest you stick to last time and hope your lucky number comes up - I will be hoping for you. It is not the time for hard and fast decisions - get xmas out the way and see how you fee. I alwasy felt that I wanted to look back and have no regrets - how we are supposed to do that I don't know - sorry no help at all am I? Alison - I really feel for you - they say time heals - personally I think it;s a load of cobblers - time just distances you from the grief and in that you can find some sort of peace and live life on a daily basis. It does not heal and you will always have a scar but in time you can look at the scar and accept it is there - probably another load of my twaddle but what am trying to do is just be there.... With special hugs to you both Tracey xxx

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Fri Dec 12, 2003 4:56 pm

Hi Alison and Grace, I, like Tracey, cannot imagine how you are feeling, and have no words of wisdom, but wanted to say that I think of and pray for you often, especially that the road to go down is clear for you and not full of doubts, as you do not deserve more sadness. I wish you all the best for whatever the future holds and will still offer support whenever you need it if I can. May you find some peace over the Christmas period. Lots of love and hugs Fiona xxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Fri Dec 12, 2003 7:31 pm

Thanks, Tracey and Fiona your support means alot and it is great to have you guys to talk to. You are completely right Trace we all have different paths and different stories and different pain but it is just comforting to know that you are all there when I need it. Tracey I am thinking of you,I know you have the funeral next week I know it will be harrowing but I am hoping it will be healing too. Fiona hope you are feeling okay about your coming cycle, as you know will be keeping my eye on you and hoping this is the one. Had work christmas lunch today and it was quite a laugh had a few wines and even a ciggie which was naughty but nice. I am feeling nicely warm and positive and good about things today hopefully these feelings will last . Going to go out and buy a Christmas tree tomorrow, DH and I have made a pact that we are going to have a happy Christmas we really do have lots of good things in our lives. Thanks again girls Gracexx

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sat Dec 13, 2003 11:45 pm

Hi again. Tracey and Fiona - thank you for popping over here. In the nicest possible way, you two are two of the people who make me think twice about giving up now. I mean, blimey, the amount you've been through and yet you've kept going, and are so close to having your dream babies. (Desperate not to jinx anything for either of you - I never used to be superstitious but have got a bit that way!) Grace - it sounds like you and I are going through such similarly mixed emotions - I could have written the stuff you've posted! Even our histories sound quite similar - I too had borderline raised NK cells. I've not yet made a follow up appointment, and won't contact the clinic til after Christmas, or possibly til we get back from skiing at the end of January. I still have 2 blastos in the fridge from the cycle in the spring, and know deep down that I will have to try thawing them, but when I did my FET in the summer the 5 they thawed didn't defrost well, so I can say in all honesty that I don't expect it can work with these last two (but then, we all hope for a miracle don't we...!). I too have been throwing myself into Christmas celebrations with gusto. As I said to a friend the other night, I've been making up for the large number of months this year when I've not been drinking at all, and working on the basis that the number of units per week that you can safely drink can be averaged over the whole year! Not sure it quite works like that, but we deserve to spoil ourselves! Glad you're up for going out. As you said, Lou was interested - Lou, are you there?! Can you do any dates in the week of 5 January (not Friday)? And I think it was Luce who first suggested going out - not heard from you for a while - let us know how things are going with you. Much love Alison x

Daisy Wallace · Post by **Daisy Wallace** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 9:26 am

Dear All I am new to this website and so far have been astounded at the amount of other women feeling the same as I do! Up to now I have felt pretty isolated. All of my friends have popped babies like peas! We decided to go for another cycle of IVF (no.3) after vowing to never do it again 18 months prior and I'm sad to say it failed in aug of this year. My husband & I have remarkably grown closer this time as opposed to wanting to kill each other the last times! Its still very painful though. I am going through an angry stage currently & get unexpectadley upset. I'm not sure if we can do another cycle and we're seriously considering adopting a baby from abroad. (just think no stretch marks, saggy boobs etc - only joking of course!)Anyway, you're not alone and things do change. Thanks, Daisy.

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 1:50 pm

Just logging on to say hello all. Alison you made me laugh describing your units of alcohol!! enjoy it is what I say. I have been off the drinks as I have come down with a horrible cold just what I needed!! Daisy I left a message on the other thread for you. No other news from me just letting you know am thinking of you all. hopefully will be back on form and hitting the mince pies etc in a day or two. Love Gracexx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 1:53 pm

Meant to say that I am sorry I got mixed up with the two Fiona's last week. That was after the Christmas lunch of course!!! Hope both Fiona's are doing well. Gracexxx

louli · Post by **louli** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 9:07 pm

Hello All, Have not been on the site for a while because busy with all the Christmas stuff and trying to put all IVF /baby thoughts and other depressing stuff out of my mind. I would love to meet up - sometime after 5th Jan would be great although not Tuesday as do not finish work until 6.30pm and know that you are in London and I am in Portsmouth. Have started to think that Nick and I should do another full cycle but think I will go for Feb. as then I can enjoy festive fare and prep. body in Jan. I am finding exercise quite helpful as I set myself little goals and then at least feel that I am achieving something. This whole drama has really knocked my self confidence and feelings of failure have been bothering me although I know that it is ridiculous. Just had a friend of dh on phone to tell me that his wife is pregnant - 2 months after their wedding. I did not congratulate them because if something is that easy does it really warrant congratulations or is it just a turn of phrase? Really share your feelings Grace and Alison. Also welcome to DAISY, and Hello! to Tracey S - your news has inspired me. Our thoughts are with you for the difficult times you have right now.Enough of my ramblings and back to some pre-Christmas preparation. Happy Christmas ! Lou

luce · Post by **luce** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 6:44 pm

Hi girls I haven't been around for a few weeks, well, really since I got back from hols. It seems I have been caught up in all that Christmas stuff and the time has just slipped by, unfortunately not always painlessly. It is now probably about 7 weeks since our final attempt failed, and although the initial rawness has gone, we have not really progressed anywhere. Yes we have been on holiday and we have made plans for Christmas, but that is all quite superficial. I apologise for what I think may be a down tempo in the rest of this post - we were out last night at my brother's 40th and I'm very tired and low. I have gone back to work after 5 months off, albeit part time. This is keeping my brain busy, and I must admit it's nice to have the human interaction again, although the job is only temporary till Feb. I thought I was doing quite well for a while, although evidently not: I went to Harrosd with my sister and her 3 children to see Fr Christmas. Whilst in the queue we got chatting to another mother, who realised I was just auntie, and she asked if I wanted children. I decided to do the brave thing and I said no, I couldn't have them...and then I welled up with tears. I foolishly thought this woman would just drop it, but she went on about how it was nice to be able to have my sister's kids and then hand them back etc etc....I was gobsmacked, and had to turn away. Then we went to my nephew's Christmas Concert at school - only because we'd been to his brother's the year before. It was bloody hard watching all those doting parents and I found myself crying silently as the children performed. And finally, last night at my brother's party, I sat next to the biggest moron on the planet, who had 2 small children, and evidently no conversation about anything other than them. Anyway, several times he asked if we had children, did we want them, and each time I just kind of said yes we'd like them and I moved on. But he asked one time too many, so to shut him up, I told him we couldn't have them. Immediately he said we should adopt...but I said it wasn't for everyone. So then he said, you can borrow mine....I swear I almost hit him. Sorry to go on - you may all think I was mad to attend some of these things, and you're right, but I am determined not to avoid all potentially upsetting experiences all my life. And I have survived them all, but privately I struggle. We also seem to be inundated with Christmas cards from friends who have recently had children and want to include pictures with their cards...I'm just tired and don't really know why I'm writing, but I felt the need to air it all to some who understand. Alison - yes, let's arrange a meet up in the New Year if you feel like it. Name a date! On a more positive note, we are going to go to our first More To Life meeting in the New Year... Take care girls - sorry to come on here just to whinge, hope you can forgive me for that. Love Luce xxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 7:26 pm

Hello Girls Luce it is really good to hear from you. I do think of you often and had been wondering how you were doing. You have been so brave to go to all those Christmas events. I really know what you mean about not wanting to avoid things and getting on with life but sometimes it is just so damn hard. I cannot believe how insensitve some people are I mean even before all this happened I would n't dream of saying some of the things people have said to me. Recently I met up with two girls who I used to work with they both have babies now. I suppose I was a bit naive in thinking I would still have something to contribute but we all got on really well at work so I thought it would be nice. It was really awful one of them hardly spoke to me atall. I just felt so invisiable and worthless. I know not everyone is like this but it is really hard to feel so different at times. I know what you mean about the christmas cards too. Evey year you get them from old friends it was so hard when new names began to appear when all of them started their families. It just seems really poignant when I see just our names on the cards and so wish I could add another one or two. The way I look at it is that there are some really horrible and insensitive people in the world. However, bad things get for me I am just glad I am not like that and neither are any of you lovely women either. Anyway Luce please come on and whinge anytime you like. You will have to let us know all about More to Life when you go along. Good to hear from you too Lou. Yes I am trying to take this time off too and just blank things out sometimes very hard if not impossible though. I am exited at the thought of meeting you all. We will have to decide on a date then. It's funny because I have pictures of all of you in my head and they are probably all wrong. I made two Christmas puddings today so very proud of myself. I think you are meant to do them months in advance but better late than never. I am sure I will be back here again before Christmas so will save my good wishes until then. Lots of love to all Gracexxx

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 2:14 pm

Lou, Lucy - so good to hear from you again after a little while. Lou, I'm very impressed by your exercising - I've decided to save the get fit campaign til the new year! Lucy, sorry you've had such a hard time of it. You're being so brave doing all those things. Know entirely what you mean about the Christmas cards - had one this week from friends with one of those prnited letters which was entirely about the new baby. Grace, well done on the Christmas puds - I'm sure it can't matter only doing them now. So glad too that you're up for going out. How does Wednesday 7 January sound for people? Lou, I think you have furthest to travel if you have to get back to Portsmouth, so do you want to suggest somewhere to meet that's convenient for you? I too am very excited about meeting up, and have some daft ideas about what you might look like which are no doubt complete rubbish! Love to all Alison xx

luce · Post by **luce** » Tue Dec 23, 2003 10:18 am

Hi girls Well, it's almost Christmas, isn't it? Blimey, doesn't time fly. A meet up sounds fab - are we talking about the evening of 7 Jan? If so, that's fine - I am working in Luton that day, but can get into London in about an hour. It would be really good to see you ladies, so let's get organising. Hang in there through Christmas girls, and enjoy the luxury of drinking alcohol!! Love Lucy xx

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