Happy 4th birthday Katelyn

[Dagny]

Dear Katelyn

It is your 4th birthday today and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. You were such a miracle and the day we found out I was pregnant with you was such an amazing day. I remember standing in the hospital car park and shouted "I'm pregnant" about 10 times until daddy made me get in the car.

Each time we saw you on the scans you had grown so much and danced and waved at us - I loved scans and couldn't get enough of seeing you all fuzzy and grainy in black and white on the screen - I couldn't wait to see you in all your technicolour splendour all pink and pudgy in the June.

The day of my 23 week scan started off so well. Daddy and your grandmother Oma were there too and we marvelled at how well all your important organs were working until the sonographer went quiet and kept on going back to your heart over and over again. Her words seemed so distant when she said there was a problem - you had a heart defect and you aorta and pulmonary artery were the wrong sizes.

We were all so numb and in shock that night and mummy had a big bleed and was admitted to hospital for the night. The next day we all went to Kings to see the Foetal Cardiologist who confirmed you had a very rare and severe defect of the heart - we were advised to have an amnio to rule out Di George syndrome.

We had the weekend to think about it and so we went to Devon to celebrate with your great grandad for his 91st birthday. I couldn't concentrate on anything and just cried and cried.

We went back to Kings on the Monday and after a whole day of scans and talking to the experts we went ahead with the amnio - I am so so sorry Katelyn as this was the reason you died. We found out you were a girl and were so happy as we drove home. The amnio had gone well and we felt a bit more optimistic about your heart, they said they could operate but only after 35 weeks.

Three days later in the early hours of Thursday morning on February 26th 2004 I started getting contractions which got progressively worse and worse and by the time we arrived at hospital you were on your way. All they kept saying to me was they couldn't save you as you were too premature with your heart defect and I just cried and cried. After 5 hours of labour you were born - perfect and so beautiful you weighed 1lb 6oz and looked like a princess. We decided to call you Katelyn - the name we had chosen only days before.

I held you and kissed you as you took little tiny gasps of breath. You fought so hard to stay with us you slowly slipped into a deep sleep, grew pure white feathery wings and became a spectacular angel - you flew up to heaven taking a piece of mine and daddys heart with you. Mummy cried, daddy cried, everyone in the room cried, it was all so sad.

We spent the day in a special SANDS room and took turns in holding you and talking to you. We rang your grandparents who wept down the phone. And then we had to leave you which was so terribly hard. They took you away and we had to go home without you. My tummy felt so empty and I know I still felt your gentle kicks inside me. You were there in spirit just telling me not to forget you. I gazed at your photo which is all I had of you and ran my fingers over your hand and foot prints where you had touched just that morning.

I will never forget you my darling princess - you were my special miracle first born. You would be starting school soon and leaning so much. I know I am so proud of you and I miss you so much it hurts - Daddy misses you too even though he doesn't talk much about you, you are still in his heart.

Happy Birthday angel baby Katelyn - fly high and keep us safe. Look after your brother Kieran and sister Leah too - my 3 brave babies.

Love you - from Mummy and a little hugs and kiss from your little sister Chloë Mae xxx