My husband left me

[bonita23]

I am still in shock and it happend a week and a half ago. He told me he doesn't feel the same way anymore, I became distant during IVF and pregnancy, he wasn't getting enough affection and sex, so our marriage is over and he wants a divorce! After I went through IVF because of HIS infertiity. We have a six month old daughter for chrissakes! I am so devastated for so many reasons, one being I am still madly in love with, my daughter is growing up with her parents seperatley, and i am so depressed an in emotional and physical pain from this, i can't enjoy a time in my daughters life which should be the happiest. I also can't look back on my pregnancy with happiness, because I feel like I was simply an incubator for his child, then they cut her out of me after alot of pain of a long labor, and now he doesnt need me anymore. I felt such love for him when I gave birth to Gabrielle, and he was just happy to have a daughter. I feel so lowly and disgusting. I tried my best to be a good wife, mother and breadwinner in the family. I guess trying to do all that it took away from our sex life and our total focus on eachother.

So girls, tell me, how much on average from the course of IVF, pregnancy and motherhood do you have sex? How much are expressing extra affection? I am sure your husbands are not about to run out on your marriage if it's not as much as it used to be. I am just a wreck and on't know what to do. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow. I was just wondering how others relationships have changed through IVF, pregnancy and birth to see if what we had was out of the ordinary.

[Cocoa]

Bonnie - I pm'd you... I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing. Stay strong because that is truly what will make all the difference...

xxxCocoa

[JustinesBaby]

*

[deepa100]

Bonita,
I am so sorry about your split. As much as IVF is a worthwhile thing to try, it does take its emotional and physical toll on you. I was always concerned (prior to starting my IVF) that I would get into an infinite loop of cycle after cycle w/o success and hence, I did not accept their discount program. I just wanted to do one cycle and then get out. Anyhow, it is something all of should keep in mind. How involved this whole process is and how much we are subjecting ourselves to.
Good luck to you,

[gori]

Hi Bonita, so sorry to hear about the sad news. I can only say he did not deserve you!! It's unfortunate, after all that you both have been thru, it had to come to an end!
As for the answers you are looking from us on this forum, I agree with you that you did not anything out of the ordinary. It's only natural after all the physical/mental stress that one goes thru, to not be totally in the right frame of mind to express intimacy all the time. So do not second guess yourself.
You are still very young and will surely find someone more deserving of you. Hang in there and take care of yourself. You need to be strong... for yourself and for your precious little one!

[Babyb]

I just read your post and I'm disgusted (sorry to be so blunt). I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but what a jerk your DH!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you are going through this, but I hate to say, in tough times, one learns a lot about someone's character. We'd like to think we know our spouses -- sadly it isn't always the case. IVF is so mentally and physically taxing (not to mention the pregnancy itself), how dare a man be so selfish that he distance himself permanently because you aren't your normal sexual self. I'd like to see a man take half the abuse we do during these times and then step up to the plate to "service us"!!!!!!

My DH and I married very soon after dating (just knew it was right). We conceived naturally even sooner (let me explain, I was just shy of 39 and afraid if we delayed having a family, I might not be able to conceive. So, we decided to postpone the wedding for a year and have our child first). Well, as with any pregnancy, the honeymoon of the wild and crazy days dwindled a bit. Then our dear daughter was born and long story short, passed away 13 weeks later from a rare genetic disorder. Our lives were stripped from us and we still managed to stay together (and no, sex wasn't our priority and yes, we were incredibly passionate prior to all of this!). After was lost our daughter, we were told it was best not to use my eggs as I was identified as a possible carrier of this disease. This was tough for me to accept, but I did. We went through the daunting task of finding donors. First donor backed out last minute and about broke my heart. Second donor cost us an arm and a leg (proven successful 3 times before and gorgeous). Low and behold, 2nd donor produced all bad eggs (a fluke). Didn't think we could afford another round, but somehow parents came in to save the day and 3rd donor was a charm -- expecting twin boys any day now. During this long haul, DH and I have not been the sexual beings of our earlier years. Moreover, with this high risk pregnancy and the knowledge that one can take NOTHING for granted when it comes to bearing children, we have been forced to abstain for quite some time. We both joke about it, but we do it as a couple and know that we will once again have our time to be passionate again! When you marry, it is for better or for worse. Somehow I don't feel your DH gets the "for worse" part and is thinking only of himself. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!

I apologize for my ranting and raving, but a similar situation happened in the April/May board to a fantastic woman. Her DH just decided after TTC that he couldn't handle twins. I wish you all the best in the world and hope you have the strength to get through this difficult time (which, I am sure you will as you have already demonstrated such great strength).

[shantala]

hi bonita

ive just come across your post and am amazed but also not completely surprised.

i'm amazed that your dh has been so blunt, uncaring, selfish and hurtful!! i really am....we're all in this together and need to stick together!! but i will say that on the other hand i'm not totally surprised. (i am at his behaviour but not at the fact that he's thinking about leaving) i think the emotional, physical and financial turmoil of infertility, IVF, pregnancy, birth, etc is immense on couples and its not surprising that some couples dont make it. ive been lucky enough and had an extremely supportive and loving dh throughout my cycles and pregnancy. but after our second ET, i got up one morning, packed my bags and just left. dont ask me what came over me but i'd just had enough (bearing in mind this was after ET as well and not even a BFN, quite the opposite, it turned out to be a BFP). i'd had enough of everything that had gone on and just needed time out. the whole thing is a trauma and sometimes its too overwhelming and you just need a break. luckily enough i realised how stupid i was being and after a couple of days returned. but i needed that get-away. i can now say that at the time (even if i didnt know it) and certainly now, ive never loved my husband more and we are stronger than ever.

as for the sex side of things...yes, that went down hill when the whole infertility thing started. when you are trying to conceive, sex turns into "another-chance-at-a-baby" and it becomes very mechanical. then, when going through ivf, its the last thing on your mind as you're so drugged up. then throughout pregnancy, ive found it difficult to relax....not only am i worried (its taken us a bloody long time to get to this!! ) but its also not comfortable any more. yes, we've done it a couple of times but its not been great because we're both worried and cant relax. and no doubt, once the baby is here, it will still be the same....i'll be tired, etc. I've worried that dh might feel neglected or frustrated and ive talked to him about it. and he's been honest with me and said yes, it can feel frustrating for him, but at the same time, he can completely understand why it is the way it is/has been and he loves me non-the-less. and sex isnt everything!!!

so what i'm trying to say is that its completely normal that your sex life and personal life is affected. and its also completely normal to just want to run away sometimes as its a trauma we go through. but what i dont understand is that your dh hasnt got the decency to stick by you and work it out. its not going to be easy but then if it was, everyone would live happily ever after and we know thats not life!! he should not have treated you like this, abandoned you like this and made you feel like this.

i hope you have sorted it out and maybe he had a mad moment like i did that time and has come back already and you are sorting it all out. if not, then i'm really sorry but you're worth so much more. you know where we are if you need us.....

xxxx

[riogirl71]

Hi Bonita,

I am so sorry to hear about this, is your DH going to a couselor also? Have you gone with him?

I think that the IVF takes a huge toll on us both emotionally and phisically. My body was a wreck during stims, I got bloated, my ovaries ached. I did not have OHSS but my left ovary took forever to get better and still has 2 cysts. Not to mention that during 2ww I had two orgasms in my sleep and woke up in horrible pain! So yes, of course this takes a huge toll on your sex life. I am sorry that your DH did not appreciate all that you went through, this is not a pregnancy after a lovely night of love making!!! Our bodies go through hell and back! You are tired, emotional and sore! I am very fortunate that DH is very understanding and takes it slow, we have finally been able to have IC and it is still mildly uncomfortable. I am only 13 weeks along so I can't attest for the rest of pregnancy.

I really hope he comes around, he seems really young and he might be making the worse mistake of his life, leaving the woman that went through all this to have his child.

If he doesn't come around, your baby needs you to be strong and you are better off without him, you will find a man who loves you unconditionally.

Good luck sweetie! I wish you the best.

[bonita23]

Thank you all for your replies and support. it has been 3 weeks and I sill can't grasp this is really happening. He has fallen out of love with me and says I am not the person he thought I was. Blaming it all on me of course. In the meantime I found out he has had an emotional affair and kissed another woman at his Crhistmas Party this past December. All things totally out of character. he was always a loving husband, promising the world, and like an idiot I fell for it. He played Father of the Year, but he just walked out, so evn though he is good with her, that doesn'tmake walking out on your wife and daughter right.

I was hoping he would snap out of it, but no such luck. My life has been turned way upside down. I have lost my husband and family I worked so hard ot have. I am living with my dad and stepmom because i need help when I work. I am not even in my own house. I love my daughter with all my heart and will continue to focus on her.

I am going to therapy, H refuses. He just wants a divorce and that's that. He just decided one day that he wasn't happy and wants a divorce. No in between. No trying to fix it. I just need the strngth and energy ot go on for my daughter.

[mally]

Hello Dear,

Don't let this bother you. The treatment is very challenging, and Men must learn to stand by the wives, during such times.

Just see it as a trial period, and be prayerful, give your self a boost, by visting a beauty house, a spa or something, to unwind yourself.

He may be going through stress himself, may be ask him to join you on your counselling sessions.

Good Luck

Mally

[Dri-Jim]

Bonita,

I'm really sorry about this. I am a man so I come at it with a unique perspective.

We each learn a lot about our spouses during the time that are difficult or challenging. Anyone can be great when times are smooth.

Based on your posts, I have no doubt that you will meet someone deserving of your love when the time is right. Remember that God has a plan for all of us, including you. Have Faith and take care of your kids and yourself.



Jim

[Michelle73]

Hi Bonita
Just reading your post and it exactly what I am now going through. After having our son through ivf my husband left after he was 8 months. It has broken my heart. He has been gone for 4 months and no sign of his return. He had an affair and is now with the girl. I feel sick everyday. I am so sad. I never wanted anymore children as I gave a daughter to a previous relationship. And I did and look what happens. Life is so unfair. I want to know what your outcome was.

[riogirl71]

I am really sorry that you both went through this, I hope you can find a much better DH...

[angelaezra]

Bonita – I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through … god only knows what we put our bodies through to have our beautiful babies. I feel really connected to you as we named our daughter Gabriella, which is very close to your daughter’s name.

Yes, I agree with the other ladies that IVF/infertility takes an amazing toll on a relationship. We have been married for almost 11 years and have been trying to start a family ever since, so you can only imagine the highs and lows that we have experienced over the years. Yes, sex has been and is still a faint memory at times. I do think when some people get married they promise to be the same person through thick and thin but when it actually happens they can’t do it, which is such as shame because you seem like such a wonderful woman and you deserve better. I know that it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will be just fine. I truly believe the saying that “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”. I remember when I had to deliver my stillbirth daughter over two years ago; I felt that my world would end. I really didn’t care what happened to me at the time but it did take time and it did get better.

I am so happy that you feel close enough to us to lean on us and I want you to always feel that you have support in us. Even though we don’t know each other; I feel so attached to each and everyone on this site because of our long journeys to reach a shared goal. Please take care of yourself and I am so glad that you are seeking therapy. I think it is a wonderful idea!

Angela

[CINNYMON1]

I am still in shock and it happend a week and a half ago. He told me he doesn't feel the same way anymore, I became distant during IVF and pregnancy, he wasn't getting enough affection and sex, so our marriage is over and he wants a divorce! After I went through IVF because of HIS infertiity. We have a six month old daughter for chrissakes! I am so devastated for so many reasons, one being I am still madly in love with, my daughter is growing up with her parents seperatley, and i am so depressed an in emotional and physical pain from this, i can't enjoy a time in my daughters life which should be the happiest. I also can't look back on my pregnancy with happiness, because I feel like I was simply an incubator for his child, then they cut her out of me after alot of pain of a long labor, and now he doesnt need me anymore. I felt such love for him when I gave birth to Gabrielle, and he was just happy to have a daughter. I feel so lowly and disgusting. I tried my best to be a good wife, mother and breadwinner in the family. I guess trying to do all that it took away from our sex life and our total focus on eachother.

So girls, tell me, how much on average from the course of IVF, pregnancy and motherhood do you have sex? How much are expressing extra affection? I am sure your husbands are not about to run out on your marriage if it's not as much as it used to be. I am just a wreck and on't know what to do. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow. I was just wondering how others relationships have changed through IVF, pregnancy and birth to see if what we had was out of the ordinary.

Words cannot express my empathy for you. I hope that you and dh can find a path back to each other. You are in my prayers. Take care.