Hi di!
can I ask - have you told many people? And if so how did they react?
So do you think you will be "playing be ear" as to when / if you tell your child
I am SO confused.... part of me thinks , never tell, you'd only be passing the burden onto the child and it would be harder for dh tp accept it all if you were always going on about it....and the other part just thinks, could I sleep at night knowing that one day I might have to tell this child (maybe when they were an adult) the truth? And what if they found out some other way?
I dunno very difficult - but I think you right in that you have to kind of see how you feel as and when the child grows up.
Take care all
Cazxx
NEw thread for DI pals!
Hi everyone, hope you are all okay.
Caz - I agree with Diane in that you may find you feel completely different when your child is born or as they are growing up. I have to confess I hardly thought about the 'telling' thing before my daughter was born but then she was conceived on our first attempt so perhaps I didn't have time. It does bother me sometimes when I imagine my daughter being a young woman and us telling her about her origins but it certainly doesn't keep me awake at night, she has brought us so much joy and happiness that it simply cannot be wrong, she was meant to be here and I am sure this is how you will feel too. I know its scary but I think you can only see how you feel with time. Whatever you do,you know it will be right for yourselves and your baby. When we went to counselling, she didn't try to sway us one way or the other and we were very non-committal but she did tell us about these books for very young children explaining how they came about. As you know, this simply isn't an option for us for fear of bullying at school or feelings of being 'different' as she goes through those crucial years of development and I hope that, when and if the time comes, she will understand that. You must do what is right for you and as long as you truly love and cherish your child you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Diane - that is shocking! I am so sorry. Talking of 'sleeping at night',how the hell can he? Its not like we get pregnant by accident in this game is it, we put ourselves through this because we want it so very much, how can he have allowed you to believe he wanted this as much as you and then leave you like this? Anyway, as you say, you are better off without someone like that and your baby will be too! You sound as though you are coping so well!
July-Ann - looking forward to hearing that everying is great following your tests so that you can get on with it.
Womphas - I also only had one insemination on all my IUIs. I guess the reason you have two inseminations is because you have a natural cycle. My ovulation was controlled by the HCG injection and you only need the one insemination. However, I'm sure that two inseminations is enough as the sperm apparently live up there for about 2-3 days.
Jen - do you know when to expect EC?
Millie x
Caz - I agree with Diane in that you may find you feel completely different when your child is born or as they are growing up. I have to confess I hardly thought about the 'telling' thing before my daughter was born but then she was conceived on our first attempt so perhaps I didn't have time. It does bother me sometimes when I imagine my daughter being a young woman and us telling her about her origins but it certainly doesn't keep me awake at night, she has brought us so much joy and happiness that it simply cannot be wrong, she was meant to be here and I am sure this is how you will feel too. I know its scary but I think you can only see how you feel with time. Whatever you do,you know it will be right for yourselves and your baby. When we went to counselling, she didn't try to sway us one way or the other and we were very non-committal but she did tell us about these books for very young children explaining how they came about. As you know, this simply isn't an option for us for fear of bullying at school or feelings of being 'different' as she goes through those crucial years of development and I hope that, when and if the time comes, she will understand that. You must do what is right for you and as long as you truly love and cherish your child you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Diane - that is shocking! I am so sorry. Talking of 'sleeping at night',how the hell can he? Its not like we get pregnant by accident in this game is it, we put ourselves through this because we want it so very much, how can he have allowed you to believe he wanted this as much as you and then leave you like this? Anyway, as you say, you are better off without someone like that and your baby will be too! You sound as though you are coping so well!
July-Ann - looking forward to hearing that everying is great following your tests so that you can get on with it.
Womphas - I also only had one insemination on all my IUIs. I guess the reason you have two inseminations is because you have a natural cycle. My ovulation was controlled by the HCG injection and you only need the one insemination. However, I'm sure that two inseminations is enough as the sperm apparently live up there for about 2-3 days.
Jen - do you know when to expect EC?
Millie x
hi caz/ girls
i have told my mum and my sister about donar i was planning on not telling anyone but when hubby left i felt so lonley and him saying he does not want baby and my mum saying he will want to no baby when its born
i felt i had no choice but to come clean cause i no he does not want anything to do with baby becuase as far as he is concerned its not his
also i thought about when child is older and wants to no about father what do i say?
risk telling child about hubby who is legal father? who then might say to child you are nothing to do with me, and then truth will come out
if he can be so heartless now what is he going to be like in years to come?
so i am confused i think the best thing to do is to play it by ear cause horrible as it sounds you never no what is going to happen in years to come
also i did not mention that hubby has 3 kids from first marrige, due to failed reversed vasctomy is why i had to have di
maybe thats how he can be so heartless cause he already has children but it still annoys me that he is depriving child of a father
love
di
i have told my mum and my sister about donar i was planning on not telling anyone but when hubby left i felt so lonley and him saying he does not want baby and my mum saying he will want to no baby when its born
i felt i had no choice but to come clean cause i no he does not want anything to do with baby becuase as far as he is concerned its not his
also i thought about when child is older and wants to no about father what do i say?
risk telling child about hubby who is legal father? who then might say to child you are nothing to do with me, and then truth will come out
if he can be so heartless now what is he going to be like in years to come?
so i am confused i think the best thing to do is to play it by ear cause horrible as it sounds you never no what is going to happen in years to come
also i did not mention that hubby has 3 kids from first marrige, due to failed reversed vasctomy is why i had to have di
maybe thats how he can be so heartless cause he already has children but it still annoys me that he is depriving child of a father
love
di
Di - you really do sound better off without him - hes behaving like a real arse. Is there ANY chance of him "coming round" or is it
a. beyond that or
b. hes blown his chances as far as your concerned?
Totally see your dilemna re telling the child - i guess as you say you never know whats gonna happen in the future - and realsitically I suppose you have several years to think about what the bext think to do is.
On that subject - I am not a child expert (no younger brothers or sisters or anything) - but SURELY kids dont even grasp the concept or BIOLOGICAL daddies until they are - I dunno - 8?
The books I've seen look great - but I dont know if a kid would really get the concept? I suppose tho it does help to gradually introduces the idea.
We are still feeling like basically we dont want to tell anyone - I dont know how my friends children were conceived - why should they need to know how mine was - kind of thing....
But I suppose one day they have the right to know the truth and there is something about waiting for the BIG DAY when you tell your child that fills me with dread. Know what I mean?
Millie - your point about bullying is just what I fear. But what happens when the do "How a baby is made" classes - do you just pretend that everything was normal?
I am SO giving this too much thought - and Millie- I think you where right- just get on and do it - and when / if the child arrives other things just become SO much more important.
One other STUPID question Millie (hope you dont mind) - do people comment on your childs looks and resemblences to other family members - is it akward at all?
Take care all
Cazxx
a. beyond that or
b. hes blown his chances as far as your concerned?
Totally see your dilemna re telling the child - i guess as you say you never know whats gonna happen in the future - and realsitically I suppose you have several years to think about what the bext think to do is.
On that subject - I am not a child expert (no younger brothers or sisters or anything) - but SURELY kids dont even grasp the concept or BIOLOGICAL daddies until they are - I dunno - 8?
The books I've seen look great - but I dont know if a kid would really get the concept? I suppose tho it does help to gradually introduces the idea.
We are still feeling like basically we dont want to tell anyone - I dont know how my friends children were conceived - why should they need to know how mine was - kind of thing....
But I suppose one day they have the right to know the truth and there is something about waiting for the BIG DAY when you tell your child that fills me with dread. Know what I mean?
Millie - your point about bullying is just what I fear. But what happens when the do "How a baby is made" classes - do you just pretend that everything was normal?
I am SO giving this too much thought - and Millie- I think you where right- just get on and do it - and when / if the child arrives other things just become SO much more important.
One other STUPID question Millie (hope you dont mind) - do people comment on your childs looks and resemblences to other family members - is it akward at all?
Take care all
Cazxx
hiya
i wanted hubby to still be dad to baby but he has said from 6 weeks he does not want to no
i went to hospital twice with spotting and he still was not interested so i dont hold out any hope of him changing is mind i have not seen him since july and not once as he asked hoe we are
or offered money to by things, but i found out last month he had a high intrest loan in my name its 4900 so im trying to get that sorted
anyway caz you are right we have got years to think about wether tp tell child
and i cant wait to see what my baby looks like
i felt like i didnt want to tell anyone it was private betwwen husband and wife, it was only when he went i had to tel someone
but im sure you and your dh will be fine and happy
not all men are pigs
take care
love
di
i wanted hubby to still be dad to baby but he has said from 6 weeks he does not want to no
i went to hospital twice with spotting and he still was not interested so i dont hold out any hope of him changing is mind i have not seen him since july and not once as he asked hoe we are
or offered money to by things, but i found out last month he had a high intrest loan in my name its 4900 so im trying to get that sorted
anyway caz you are right we have got years to think about wether tp tell child
and i cant wait to see what my baby looks like
i felt like i didnt want to tell anyone it was private betwwen husband and wife, it was only when he went i had to tel someone
but im sure you and your dh will be fine and happy
not all men are pigs
take care
love
di
You know what - sounds like its a good thing that you are doing this on yr own - doesnt sound to me like you need anything from this guy - including his poxy sperm!! 
O MY GOD - was that too harsh!?
God luck with everything - you sound incredibly sorted - have you got good pals/ family to lean on if you need them?
Take care - PLEEEEASE keep in touch
Cazxx
O MY GOD - was that too harsh!?
God luck with everything - you sound incredibly sorted - have you got good pals/ family to lean on if you need them?
Take care - PLEEEEASE keep in touch
Cazxx
Hi girls -
Caz, in answer to your questions, presumably with the old sex education, (can't remember too well) they simply explain how we come from the meeting of sperm and egg and I imagine our children will probably just assume it was via the normal method - can't imagine why they would feel the need to question their parents about whether they had sex to conceive if they don't know anything about the situation but you are right in the sense that they may come up with awkward questions. I can remember my mum sitting me down at about aged 8 or 9 to explain sexual intercourse to me and I was sooooooo embarrassed I looked at the floor (red faced), nodded in agreement in several places and simply couldn't get away quick enough!!! But as Di said, I reckon you have to deal with these situations as and when they arise. I truly feel that we will tell my daughter at a time that is right and I believe they have to be mature enough to understand fully and, as you said, at 8 or 9 they simply could not possibly understand fully and I'm not sure I'd want her to at that age when she is not mature enough to deal with it.
I totally agree with what you say about this hanging over you in the sense that there will come a day when you might have to tell but I know it will all fall into place. What I will also be sure to explain when that time comes is how much she was wanted because we all know how true that is, no-one can appreciate and love their children more than people like us who have been through what we have to get them. I work in a GP surgery and I am constantly amazed by the neglect of children who have such terrible social circumstances. I want to adopt them all!!
And you would be amazed by how many people have commented about how much my daughter looks like my DH, she is very much like me too and plenty of people say that also but there are many who say to me that she is so like him. Of course, over time they are also bound to adopt mannerisms from both of us, things that we say etc. We have only told our immediate family about the donor thing although it is never talked about and to be quite honest they have probably all forgotten! But I won't tell anyone else simply on the basis that I don't want her to find anything out from anyone else. She really does adore her dad so I just hope their closeness makes this issue all the more easier for her to accept. Who knows??
Millie x
Caz, in answer to your questions, presumably with the old sex education, (can't remember too well) they simply explain how we come from the meeting of sperm and egg and I imagine our children will probably just assume it was via the normal method - can't imagine why they would feel the need to question their parents about whether they had sex to conceive if they don't know anything about the situation but you are right in the sense that they may come up with awkward questions. I can remember my mum sitting me down at about aged 8 or 9 to explain sexual intercourse to me and I was sooooooo embarrassed I looked at the floor (red faced), nodded in agreement in several places and simply couldn't get away quick enough!!! But as Di said, I reckon you have to deal with these situations as and when they arise. I truly feel that we will tell my daughter at a time that is right and I believe they have to be mature enough to understand fully and, as you said, at 8 or 9 they simply could not possibly understand fully and I'm not sure I'd want her to at that age when she is not mature enough to deal with it.
I totally agree with what you say about this hanging over you in the sense that there will come a day when you might have to tell but I know it will all fall into place. What I will also be sure to explain when that time comes is how much she was wanted because we all know how true that is, no-one can appreciate and love their children more than people like us who have been through what we have to get them. I work in a GP surgery and I am constantly amazed by the neglect of children who have such terrible social circumstances. I want to adopt them all!!
And you would be amazed by how many people have commented about how much my daughter looks like my DH, she is very much like me too and plenty of people say that also but there are many who say to me that she is so like him. Of course, over time they are also bound to adopt mannerisms from both of us, things that we say etc. We have only told our immediate family about the donor thing although it is never talked about and to be quite honest they have probably all forgotten! But I won't tell anyone else simply on the basis that I don't want her to find anything out from anyone else. She really does adore her dad so I just hope their closeness makes this issue all the more easier for her to accept. Who knows??
Millie x
Millie- many many thanks for answering all of my (very intrusive ) questions - you have NO IDEA how much it helps. What you say makes complete sense - and just feel very right for us too. I am pretty sure now that this is how we will proceed should we also go this route.
Hows it all going otherwise, sorry to be crap but have forgotten exactly where you are with tmt??
Cheers
Cazx
ps - just going off for a nice dinner a few glasses of vino with dh - well it is saturday night after all! Have decided this time round to not be so fanatical about everything (last time - reflexology, acupunctiure, chinese herbs, no drinking - and hey no preganancy either!). This time - just gonna try and be generally healthy and a BIT less obsessed by the whole thing - FAT CHANCE!! Our doc- seems to agree that thats the best way forward too. So well see.
Take care Millie - and all of you! July ann - aint heard from you for a while- u ok?
Cazxx
Hows it all going otherwise, sorry to be crap but have forgotten exactly where you are with tmt??
Cheers
Cazx
ps - just going off for a nice dinner a few glasses of vino with dh - well it is saturday night after all! Have decided this time round to not be so fanatical about everything (last time - reflexology, acupunctiure, chinese herbs, no drinking - and hey no preganancy either!). This time - just gonna try and be generally healthy and a BIT less obsessed by the whole thing - FAT CHANCE!! Our doc- seems to agree that thats the best way forward too. So well see.
Take care Millie - and all of you! July ann - aint heard from you for a while- u ok?
Cazxx
Morning all -
have you heard on the news about the new consultation paper that the government are about to put out any day - which supposedly is going to remove donor anonymity (see BBC website)? Sounds like a bit / total disaster to me - wont that just mean that people will stop donating? Funnier how people not actually touched by this can be very hollier than tho about the whole process - I wish they'd just butt out!
Anyway - just thought I'd rant!
Going abroad is looking like a better and better option ...more choice, easier to keep private....anyone ever considered it?
Cazxx
have you heard on the news about the new consultation paper that the government are about to put out any day - which supposedly is going to remove donor anonymity (see BBC website)? Sounds like a bit / total disaster to me - wont that just mean that people will stop donating? Funnier how people not actually touched by this can be very hollier than tho about the whole process - I wish they'd just butt out!
Anyway - just thought I'd rant!
Going abroad is looking like a better and better option ...more choice, easier to keep private....anyone ever considered it?
Cazxx
aint heard anything else yet - lets just pray that they keep the status quo
Not sure if this makes sense - but I'm not sure I'd want to use a donor who wanted to be contacted when the child was 18 or whatever - even if they existed. I think there would be something sort of creepy and not TOTALLY selfless about that. Isnt the whole oint that they are donating sperm and then THATS IT - GOODBYE and thankyou??
Dunno - just PRAY it wont ever come to it.
Keep in touch
Cazx
Not sure if this makes sense - but I'm not sure I'd want to use a donor who wanted to be contacted when the child was 18 or whatever - even if they existed. I think there would be something sort of creepy and not TOTALLY selfless about that. Isnt the whole oint that they are donating sperm and then THATS IT - GOODBYE and thankyou??
Dunno - just PRAY it wont ever come to it.
Keep in touch
Cazx
Hi everyone,
Caz, I have been to see my doc about being referred to our local specialist re going back to DIUI, I just cannot deal with all the travelling back and forwards to London anymore so he has referred us anyway and we are just waiting for an appointment to come through, I have no idea how long his waiting list is. I am just going to enjoy the break at the moment and relax a bit. No matter how much you try and tell yourself to try not to get stressed as that won't change the outcome of treatment, it can't be helped, and I think you realise just how het up you have been when a cycle is finished and you sit back and relax!!
Hope you had a nice meal and MANY glasses of vino. Is it March that you begin your treatment? Think you are completely right about the obsessing thing, I'm a great believer in if its going to work, then it will work, even if you spend the two weeks doing cartwheels around your house! It can only help if you are not constantly worrying about what you are doing and how you are doing it!
As for the donor anonymity thing, as you say, its always the people who aren't touched by these things that take the moral highground. They have no concept of how we feel. I think you are right in the sense that this is bound to put a lot of people off, but I guess we just have to hope that perhaps older guys who have completed their families may still be happy to help others. Its difficult to say but recently I did read an article (somewhere on the internet but cannot remember where!) that in Sweden where apparently donor anonymity has already been lifted that the number of donors did not decrease anywhere near as much as had been expected. I didn't see the piece you mentioned Caz but I'll have a look on that website at work on Wednesday.
Am going to bed now as have been hit by a dreadful virus over the last week which has knocked me for six!!
HOpe everyone is well.
Love Millie x
Caz, I have been to see my doc about being referred to our local specialist re going back to DIUI, I just cannot deal with all the travelling back and forwards to London anymore so he has referred us anyway and we are just waiting for an appointment to come through, I have no idea how long his waiting list is. I am just going to enjoy the break at the moment and relax a bit. No matter how much you try and tell yourself to try not to get stressed as that won't change the outcome of treatment, it can't be helped, and I think you realise just how het up you have been when a cycle is finished and you sit back and relax!!
Hope you had a nice meal and MANY glasses of vino. Is it March that you begin your treatment? Think you are completely right about the obsessing thing, I'm a great believer in if its going to work, then it will work, even if you spend the two weeks doing cartwheels around your house! It can only help if you are not constantly worrying about what you are doing and how you are doing it!
As for the donor anonymity thing, as you say, its always the people who aren't touched by these things that take the moral highground. They have no concept of how we feel. I think you are right in the sense that this is bound to put a lot of people off, but I guess we just have to hope that perhaps older guys who have completed their families may still be happy to help others. Its difficult to say but recently I did read an article (somewhere on the internet but cannot remember where!) that in Sweden where apparently donor anonymity has already been lifted that the number of donors did not decrease anywhere near as much as had been expected. I didn't see the piece you mentioned Caz but I'll have a look on that website at work on Wednesday.
Am going to bed now as have been hit by a dreadful virus over the last week which has knocked me for six!!
HOpe everyone is well.
Love Millie x
-
Guest
HI Caz/Guys
I think this piece of news is a disaster and really hope that it will stay as it is! Typical c*ap from our government who would be far better spending time and energy sorting out our NHS maternity services than trying to make life even more difficult and more heartbreaking for those who cannot have children.........I could rant about this all night but I will stop now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am having EC on Thursday and my husband is having his biopsy on Wednesday and as you know if there is still nothing there or the sperm they find are crap then we are having donor.
so many senarios are running through my head now because of this:
What happens if we have a baby through sperm donor and say three years later want another and by then the law has changed.........one can track the 'father' (I hate writing that as i think it is c*ap) down and the other can't which give us a very complex situation!
Anyway I am trying not to obcess about it too much, the objective here is to have a happy healthy baby!!
Caz - I am a firm believer in 'If its meant to be..........'. I was told to stop going to the gym during the treatment, but apart from that I have not changed much at all!!
Hope you are all well.
JenF
I think this piece of news is a disaster and really hope that it will stay as it is! Typical c*ap from our government who would be far better spending time and energy sorting out our NHS maternity services than trying to make life even more difficult and more heartbreaking for those who cannot have children.........I could rant about this all night but I will stop now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am having EC on Thursday and my husband is having his biopsy on Wednesday and as you know if there is still nothing there or the sperm they find are crap then we are having donor.
so many senarios are running through my head now because of this:
What happens if we have a baby through sperm donor and say three years later want another and by then the law has changed.........one can track the 'father' (I hate writing that as i think it is c*ap) down and the other can't which give us a very complex situation!
Anyway I am trying not to obcess about it too much, the objective here is to have a happy healthy baby!!
Caz - I am a firm believer in 'If its meant to be..........'. I was told to stop going to the gym during the treatment, but apart from that I have not changed much at all!!
Hope you are all well.
JenF