Late night ramble!

[Lorraine]

Hi Girls
This side of the board has been a bit quiet lately - but from your posts it seems you are all trying to utilise the adrenaline of a New Year to make plans, look forward and generally stop this merry go round getting you down.
I am certainly trying this too, and in general I would say that I am feeling more positive than I have done since July. But I know you will allow me just a moment to say 'I feel bad' today. I know it's because I am having a period (the first in a year - except for after the negative). I have so few periods (I NEVER ovulate) that when they come I hate them so much - as they seem to be a symbol of all that is wrong with me and this useless dilapidated old body (35 years last Saturday).
So I know why I am all tearful, upset and depressed but despite knowing that.........I feel miserable!
For those who know me - I am still off work (but planning to get back by March/April), I'm popping happy pills everyday and still getting counselling. On the 'upside' I am beginning to see the light - but I fight my demons daily!!! Everyday feels like a battle to keep afloat, keep smiling, pretending I feel OK, and yet inside I feel - broken.
Oh dear I am wallowing in it aren't I?
I have missed being on the board sometimes - if I am honest I don't really feel I know most of you and those I did know are scattered everywhere else - although I know they think of me as much as I think of them - you know who you are!!!! And besides you are all doing such great work in dealing with this 'life after' business that I feel estranged when I feel I am STUCK. (Although common sense tells me - when you write much of that - you are probably trying to convince yourselves as well as everyone reading it!!!)
Anyway this isn't really going any where so I am going to click send before I delete it!!
I think of you all on the board - and wish you happiness.
Love
Lorraine

[/i]

[LORRAINE G]

Hi Lorraine

I know we have spoken before but not for some time now.

At the moment I have a cold and have not been sleeping for weeks (not due to the cold). Here I am at 5.30am reading your posting and thinking of you.

I am not sure if you remember me, I have two children from my first marriage and have been TTC with DH no2 for 2 years. We had our one and only IVF last Oct/Nov which was unsuccessful. We knew all along we could only fund the one try. We have been told that we are good cnadidates for iui and were just about to start our first go when we found out that DH was not going to inherit a legacy which had featured very heavilly in our plans. Our situation is such that without this leagcy I MUST work full time - we simply would not cover our selves if I didn't. I would have to put baby into full time child care and I don't beleive that is right for me and so we are stuck with trying to decide what is right. It is compliacted further by the fact that I am 40 this year so time is pressing. It must sound so awful to be hearing me say that it is simply down to money, I have had terrible times in the past though (caused by ex-husband) which has mean't that I have had an enormous struggle to bring up my two children and manage financially. I am scared about the implications of thinking about another child.

I read your posts and can only sit back and admire your frankness and honesty about your situation and your deepest feelings. You are a very special person who is being incredibly brave, don't criticise yourself YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WALLOW - especially after all you have been through.
I think I understand some of what you feel, frustration and sheer desperation at being caught in a helpless situation. I can only say that I realise how very lucky I am to have my children, it is a priviledge that I must ensure I always treasure. It has been though knowing women like you that has made me realise that and I will always be indebted to you all.

Don't believe that you are making such a bad job of dealing with all this. You are coping in the best way you can, do you really believe you can do any more than that? I think that you are an exceptional person who has given so much inspiration to so many others. That is an extraordinary gift to give.
I often think of you and I wish you peace and comfort in the future however long that takes.

With fondest wishes
Lorraine

[sharoninsomerset]

Looks like it's the old gang back again, I've just posted to a cry from Caz and then saw your post!

Just want to give you a big hug and say that I certainly do think of you often and I know that lots of others do also, you really are not alone and estranged from all of your friend here. I'm sure that you will be feeling more positive in the next few days, when the hormones have settled. I'm glad to hear that you are moving towards going back to work, but one day at a time...and in YOUR time not when you think others would expect it of you.

Sorry, I can't spend the time to talk as much as I would like too, but I'm at work.

I will be thinking of you and will try and pop back when I can.
Lots of Love and support
Sx

[Lorraine]

If I am honest I wish I had pressed the delete button on that message!!!
I am embarrassed that I let my real feelings 'Leak out' at a weak (self pitying, definitely wallowing in it) moment!! But that said - thank you to you both for your kind words.
I do remember you Lorraine - it's a tragedy that something so fundamentally important to you and your family is kept out of reach simply by a lack of funds. It's not exactly the same as dreaming of a big house or a fancy car is it??!! It's funny and strangely comforting to think of you wandering your house at ungodly hours at exactly the same time as I am - isn't insomnia BORING! I have been bothered recently by nightmares - so now I can't sleep for fear of them!!!! But I am using a friends relaxation tape and I am glad to say it's been really helpful. I still only get about 5 hours - but I find I can function on that - not that I have to do much - housework is my only occupation at present - and I am definetly not very good at that!!

Thank you both so much for telling me 'I am doing the best that I can' I think I needed that! Some how when you see common sense written down plainly it unveils the truth before you - I AM doing all that I can to deal with this situation - and SO what if it's taking me a long time - THIS AFFECTS THE REST OF MY LIFE - and I hope that if I can just listen and learn from my inner voice that I will become the stronger more balanced person I WANT to be! The bottom line is - I have ignored the prospect of childness since I was 16 - I pretended I had given it consideration - when really I had 'looked at it, became stiff with fear and then stuffed it to the back of my mind' - and now all thats happened is the time has arrived when I do have to face it!

My dearest Sharon - I think about you 3 so much - I try to find Jo's latest news and ensure that all our postive thoughts carry her and her precious cargo safely through to the day they get to meet each other! I have seen Caz's DI thread - and I know she is constantly facing difficult decisions but she has the good heart to see them through in the best way forward for them. I have only just seen her other thread though and will send her a post today - but that brings me to you - OMG! - I kept looking to see if you had joined a another cycle buddy 'tag team' to indicate you had started again and there you are doing it solo! You are AMAZING - if not a little bit mad!!!! I am sending you lots of love and positive vibes - please let this be YOUR TIME...........
Wishing you all the very best!
Lots of Love from Lorraine
xxxxxxxxx

[alisonn]

lorraine, u dont know me, i joined the site back in nov, i wish i had
found the board at the beginning of the year when i started my
first treatment. I read your post yesterday but felt i couldnt put
into words what i wanted to say i dont think i still can, but u
were right to put your feelings down, i always find it better rather
than keeping them in. I was made redundant 2 yrs ago after
19yrs with the same bank, so i spent the next 2yrs at home
thinking of babies and why it wasnt working for me, my only
escape for me was golf, i always felt better when i was out
in the fresh air. I can understand the pain does not go away
and im afraid it never will but u learn to deal with. There are
days when u cant face friends with children, i have been
there so many times. Unfortunately
i think this time of year is the most depressing especially
if u are at home, i just cant wait till the longer days and
when u start to see the daffodils appear u know spring is on its
way.
I was 43 last month and was on my 4th ici treatment, and
wasnt sure what road i would be taking ( i had put my name down
for donar) if it failed, but life throws up surprises and i had
a +itve.
The thing with this site is that all the girls on here understand
and like me would love to give u a big hug, i do hope things
will get better, thinking of you.
alisonn

[Grace]

Hi Lorraine
I posted a reply to you earlier but now realise I never sent it. What I wanted to say mainly was please don't feel you can't say exactly what is on your mind at any given point. You have always been so supportive to the rest of us and I want you to know we are all here for you too.
It is such a hard process all of this. I feel really stuck too and don't feel like I am doing at all well in coping with everything. Sometimes I feel yes I am moving on and then there are days I feel in the exact same spot as when we first started ttc years ago.
You have been very honest and express your feelings wonderfully and I really appreciate that Lorraine.
When some of us met up a few weeks ago I remember Luce saying that it takes 3 years to come to terms with the finality of childlessness. This is a bereavement process and you will come through it but it just takes lots of time. We are all different so don't be hard on yourself Lorraine.
Even after all this time sometimes I am still shocked that we are actually enduring all of this and I don't think I will ever stop asking why it had to be like this.
You are n't alone Lorraine. Keep writing and please don't feel you have to keep smiling if you don't feel like it - certainly not here anyway. Sending you a big hug.
Love
Gracexxx
PS hoping to send this message correctly this time....

[beckym]

Lorraine

Sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I have been there myself (including taking time off work plus the happy pills) and it's difficult to describe the feelings to people who haven't been through it, isn't it? Just to say that as we both live in Kent (i'm near Sevenoaks) and are both not working at the moment, if you ever want to meet up for coffee/lunch or you want to talk over the phone let me know - my email is Menzieshunt@aol.com. beckym xxxx

[Lorraine]

Thank you for your replies girls.
It never ceases to amaze me how kind you all are and how supportive this site is - its so lovely to think of all you remarkable people out there!

I'm feeling a bit brighter again today - but then the weekends are always fine because DH is around! We really are like 'harold and hilda' just following each other around! Ones alright so long as the other is there!!! All our friends think we are joined at the hip - but its the way we like it!

My feelings are so up and down these days - i'm so inconsistent - that even my head is spinning with it all. Most of the time I am just willing to accept that I will be very up and down and that its just a natural grief I am feeling - but then the despair takes over for 5 minutes and everything goes back up in the air again!

I understand for most of the time I am temporarily stuck in an emotional state but given time that will pass - you see I KNOW the theory of it all - I just can't MAKE IT MOVE ON!!! But I guess that's not my job only TIME can do that - so I just need to be patient! (typical nurse - no patience!!!)

I think one of the reasons I feel 'stuck' is I initially thought that if the IVF was over we still had adoption to consider but now thats ruled out too (DH has extremely valid reasons for not wanting to go down this route).
I feel like we came to a sudden cliff edge when I thought there was still some road left to explore! Don't get me wrong I totally respect DH's choice not to persue adoption (I don't even know if it would have been what I wanted) - it just came quickly thats all. It's just a lot to take in at once!

Anyway enough! I just wanted to say - thank you to you all.
Lots of Love
Lorraine xxx