miscarriage after 2nd IVF, heartbroken but somehow hopeful

[karenvancouverisland]

we had a m/c june 3 at 12 weeks. looks like the baby died a while ago. we had a heartbeat at 7 weeks, 2 days (but it was 94 bpm, which i know from research isn't great, but my doc said 'don't worry' - now i want to kill her).
i had a feeling something was wrong, but ignored it as i didn't want it to be true. the m/c was violently painful, i'm anemic now from blood loss, and it hurts like hell to go to the bathroom. emotionally- i don't even know how i'm doiing. some days i feel guilty- like 'what's wrong with me that i can't just have a baby'. i feel bad and think crazy thoughts like- does my husband wish he ended up with someone else who didn't have these issues (which is nuts, cause i know he doesn't).

and then thereis this other side of me that strongly believes we're supposed to have our own baby and that it will work. just not this time. miscarriages just happen to people. i still have HOPE and DETERMINATION. but still alot of sadness. i just wanted to be big and pregnant this summer, and to have a baby for christmas.

i would love to hear back from anyone who relates. karen.

ttc- 4 years. i'll be 36 this summer.
'low responder' to follicle stimulation, DH has poor morphology
1st IVF- oct 07 cancelled due to poor response- no large follicles
2nd IVF- march 08. only 2 large follicles, both retrieved and successfully fertilized, implanted, BFP april 10 with single pregnancy. mc june 3.

[Dexter]

Hi Karen,

So sorry to hear about your recent loss. Nobody can tell you not to feel utterly miserable about this. It is an awful time, especially at 12 weeks. Unfortunately m/c's are more common than people document. You work so hard to get pregnant and then you constantly worry about staying pregnant. I can relate to that.

Anyways, I too had a m/c but only at 6 weeks. Devastating enough. We had told everyone and were over the moon. The blood loss and emotional impact was too much to bear and I was on an overseas holiday at the time. You can imagine what that was like! Makes me shudder.

I am also 36 and shortly after that m/c, I had a bio-chemical pregnancy which is a very early pregnancy loss again but on my 4th IVF attempt (FET) we managed to hit the jackpot and are now almost 33 weeks along with twins.

I guess you have to have some hope in that you have gotten pregnant and this is a great sign for you. I held oonto that throughout all the disappointments. It helped me to keep going. I wasn't going to give up but hey get me on a wrong day and the story might have been different. We started the adoption process but my DH was never really keen and this concerned me. The day our adoption application was approved, we got our BFP. The universe works in strange ways.

I hope this offers you some encouragement. We had unexplained IF, so there was no cause as to why things weren't working. Frustrating to say the least.

Look fwd to reading about your progress.

Sending hugs,

Dexter

[karenvancouverisland]

hi dexter, thank you so much for your response. i loved hearing your story. it gives me a 'don't give up' feeling... i wish you could see the smile and warmth i have right now.
and when i hear of others having twins i get this excitement and feeling that i am supposed to do that too. a woman i work with told me one day she had a vivid dream i was very large and pregnant with twin girls (she didn't know at this time i had fertility issues). maybe if and when it works for us we'll be blessed with twins like you.
all the best and thank you so much. karen

[Melo_P]

Hi Karen
Just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand a little of how you feel, I had a m/c at 11 weeks very recently too. At home and very painful. (About a million miles from the "just a heavy period" that my re told me to expect!).

Don't give up. I just feel your intuition about your twin girls is real and you have to believe in it. It will happen for you, and as there is overall a high chance of m/c you can now hedge your bets that the unlucky roll of the dice has had its time for you and you have gotten past that obstacle, so its probably much much more unlikely that it will happen again. This means your odds are up! And now you know that you can have successful implantation so this should put your mind at rest too. It shows that both your mind and your body are ready for this and will do this for you! Next time its yours, just have to be strong enough to keep trying.

All the very best to you, I hope you start to feel more upbeat. It is so hard to come so close and then have that taken away - it will happen, I guess it just means the time is not right now.

Hugs

Mel

[IVFMUM]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your m/c. Give yourself time to rest and grieve what you have lost. Goodluck for the future.

[karenvancouverisland]

just wanted to say thanks to dexter, mel, and ivfmum, for sending your thoughts. it means alot.

i'm doing much better, getting back to 'normal', while still hopeful (but scared) about our upcoming september cycle. karen

[SilverAngel679]

I was in exactly the same boat that your in right now last year. Our first shot at IVF failed. The second was a success and we where pregnant and so happy we could bust.
The pregnancy was rocky at first but then it all was fine after they saw a heart beat and everyone, even the doctors, where hopeful.
On my anniversary last year, I was 14 weeks 5 days, and woke up to brown discharge and blood in my pants.
I went to the hospital and they told me there was no heart beat. I had had a missed abortion and the baby had died some time after the 11th week.
We where devistated and spent the night of our anniversary in the hospital waiting for confirmation that the baby was dead.
I wanted to scream at all the doctors who told me i was going to lose it then told me everything will be fine.
I went through the same thing as far as thinking that maybe my husband would be better off with someone else who could afford all the IVF that was needed to make him a father instead of my poor ass, I thought I was less of a woman because I couldn't have a baby, which in some way defined me.
But most of all I was angry with God. I know people have miscarriages all the time, but why, us of all people, who can only afford this so many times?
Why not let it happen to people who have the money to keep trying?
Why not let it happen to people who have no problems and can have a baby when ever they want?
WHY MY BABY AFTER WE WORKED SO HARD AND IT WAS OVER?
I don't wish miscarriage on any one. But I felt like people doing IVF or have infertility problems should have a little priority as to protection from God.
To cut my long story short I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. We tried again and here we are, pregnant with twins and everything seems to be going just fine. We're not out of the woods yet and I know better than to be too hopeful at this point, but what got me through it was this thinking. If I got pregnant once, I'll get pregnant again. And I came to accept that I was not special and if it could happen to any one at all then who was I to be appaled that it happened to me? Hang in there. I know how hard it is because I've been there but please know that you have options and as long as your willing to try there's hope.

[karenvancouverisland]

hi silverangel..thanks so much for your response. i feel inspired and hopeful reading your story- i really relate to your feelings throughout your miscarriage. and i so want to be where you're at!!!- pregnant with twins is my dream!

i wish you all the best. lots of love, karen
ps. i'm going to start my next cycle end of september..keep fingers crossed for me as i will for you for a healthy, wonderful pregnancy.

[SilverAngel679]

I'm glad to se that your moving on so quickly. I would have loved to go again that quick after last time but we just couldn't afford it so soon and becuase of that I basically went through a virtual pregnancy in my head. It was terrible. I hope you continue to post your journey as I will be keeping tabs on you and rooting for you all the way!!!!

Baby Dust!!!!!!!

[baby2009]

hello,

I just read your stories and felt soo touched by your accounts. I just miscarried at 7th week after our 1st IVF attempt. The dr can't tell what went wrong - the embryo developed fine, attached fine.. but there were no heartbeat when we went for us at 7th week. He just asked us to stop all medications and let nature runs it's course. It was sooo devastating. My husband wanted to have ababy so much and he is just soo good around kids -- it breaks my heart to see his "lost soul" face. At this point I could not bring myself to think of another IVF attempt (we do not have any frosties, have to go thru the whole process again) . I hope I will have some miracles to tell soon.... if I can get pregnant -- surely I can get pregnant again... I really hope.. though sometimes hopes scares the hell out of me.

[Sara30]

Hi baby2009

I am so sorry for your loss, we too lost our baby at 7 weeks just before xmas. The feelings are undescribable, and it is so devastating. My immediate thoughts were that I can not do this again, but we are going for a FET in March. This was my 3rd cycle and it was donor eggs from my sister so we do have some frozen embryos. I feel the same, I got pregnant so surely I will be able to do it again. this whole process is scary, there are lots of people on here who can offer you support it has been a lifeline for me at times. I wish you all the luck in the world if you decide to try again. I am on a thread in the general forum which is titled awaiting treatment. If you do decide to go ahead again and want to join us while you are waiting you are very welcome to do so.

Take care
Lee xx

[karenvancouverisland]

hi sara and baby 2009, although you'll each have to make a very personal decision that works for you, i want to let you know that perseverance can pay off.

i went against the advice of my RE's. they suggested an egg donor, as i had responded so poorly to 2 IVF cycles, the fact that i got PG on my 2nd one was a miracle (as i only produced 2 mature follies on the highest, flare protocal).. then of course, i m/c'd.

so i did another cycle, as that's what my heart told me to do. and we are NOT rich. as canadians, we pay for everything except med's are partially covered.

well, more miracles happened. i produced more follies than EVER before (on the same protocal, but i did DHEA supplements the 7 weeks prior to stims), and i got PG again. and here i am, almost 15 weeks pg. so when i was struggling i met a woman who told me to "Never give up", and my heart told me to listen to her. she'd done 8 IUI's unsuccessfully, and didn't get PG til her 4th IVF, which resulted in a baby boy who is healthy now at age2.

this is the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life. but something inside of me just keeps telling me to keep going. i have lots of days when i want to give up because of the emotional stress of loss, or impending loss. but HOPE prevails, and i just keep going. i bled in my 9th week this pregnancy, and worried i was losing my baby, but i didn't... i still worry and want constant reassurance. but it's all paying off.

i wish you both love and more than anything HOPE as you continue your journey. karen

[Sara30]

Hi Karen

Thankyou for your words, I have followed your story through the other threads and all though I have never posted I have thought about you and clicked on to see how you are doing. Its funny but there are probably lots of us out there that follow silently other peoples stories, whilst being on other threads with other people.

Big congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you all the luck in the world, you have had a tough journey to get where you are now, I know you will worry until the day your baby is born but try to take some time out to enjoy your pregnancy, and know there are lots of people who are silently sending you prayers and PMA whom have never talked to you, just like me.

Lee xx

[karenvancouverisland]

hi lee,

thanks for your message, i am really touched by your words. and ironically, they echo what i said to another woman on this forum about 10 days ago who i silently follow.

what happens here can be quite amazing. thank you for sharing that with me. karen

[natashamom]

Karen,

I understand this happened some time ago but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

We did FET with 2 donated embryos from our clinic in AZ and were thrilled to learn we were pregnant.

But at 6 weeks,u/s showed no embryo,just empty sack,then we did u/s every week,yesterday was our last one,no embryo,just a sack,so stoped all the meds and cried a lot but now ready for next stage.

This time we`ll do shared cycle with donor eggs.

I can`t wait to start.

I wish you lots of luck,

Natasha.