can anyone offer me any advice about how to tell parents, siblings and colleagues about needing to undergo treatment? should you tell anyone? select few? can't bear to think of people being embarrassed to discuss their children/pregnancies if they did know, but likewise after only a year of infertility i sometimes find it hard to keep the smile up at both corners when i hear another lot of "happy news".
???
A
telling families
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Helen Reid
- Regular
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Wed Oct 01, 2003 3:58 pm
- Location: Ayrshire
Hi
I told my family when i started going for the tests and then i had a laparoscopy and thats when i found out i would need ivf. My dh had told my mum and sis before i got out of hospital so that helped. Most of my friends i told as well as i had a operation and was off work for 12 weeks and most of them came to visit me in the hospital. I also had to tell my work as i needed alot of time off. There is alot of people if i knew now what i knew then i would not of had told them as some people can become different towards you, but i try to think of it as their problem and not mine. I could not of had gone through most of this without my friends and family as they have been really supportive and given me a push when i needed it.
I found it hard too when i used to hear about other peoples news but it gets a bit easier (depending on who it is). My best friend asked me if she could have another baby as she felt really guilty as she already had one (my god daughter) i was really mad at first but it meant that she cared about my feelings (maybe a bit too much).
Helen
I told my family when i started going for the tests and then i had a laparoscopy and thats when i found out i would need ivf. My dh had told my mum and sis before i got out of hospital so that helped. Most of my friends i told as well as i had a operation and was off work for 12 weeks and most of them came to visit me in the hospital. I also had to tell my work as i needed alot of time off. There is alot of people if i knew now what i knew then i would not of had told them as some people can become different towards you, but i try to think of it as their problem and not mine. I could not of had gone through most of this without my friends and family as they have been really supportive and given me a push when i needed it.
I found it hard too when i used to hear about other peoples news but it gets a bit easier (depending on who it is). My best friend asked me if she could have another baby as she felt really guilty as she already had one (my god daughter) i was really mad at first but it meant that she cared about my feelings (maybe a bit too much).
Helen
A difficult one this as you never can really tell how people will react. There are some people of course who really do not believe in science interfering with nature and may be hostile and others who will cry for you and say go for it.
My DP and I did not tell anyone until we had all the basic tests done and we had a confirmed diagnosis. We then told our parents and siblings face to face. We sat them down and just said we had been trying for a family for a while, nothing had happened so we were referred by our GP and the tests showed me with low progesterone and my DP with 95% abnormal. We then explained as best we could about what the procedure was. I must admit that I know more now after researching stuff and this site than I did then! We did not decide to definitely go for ICSI until we had some follow up tests to confirm that DP was CF negative as this runs in my family. We decided to go ahead at Xmas and told our families that too. They have been brilliant - my sister immediately offered to be a surrogate bless her!
I have told my ulimate boss - the Head Teacher who was lovely - his sister has been there! I have not yet told my immediate colleagues but I will have to as I will need so much time off - being a teacher you have to have some one else in the classroom! I still have not decided how to do this - still thinking about it as I want those I work closest with to know but not the whole school!
Lordy I have rambled on enough - it is worth telling just a few who are closest to you so you do have some one to talk to. I would advise that you understand some of the basics of what will happen - people just dont know unless they have been there I suppose and they will ask bizarre questions!
Hope this helps!
Love
LindaJane
My DP and I did not tell anyone until we had all the basic tests done and we had a confirmed diagnosis. We then told our parents and siblings face to face. We sat them down and just said we had been trying for a family for a while, nothing had happened so we were referred by our GP and the tests showed me with low progesterone and my DP with 95% abnormal. We then explained as best we could about what the procedure was. I must admit that I know more now after researching stuff and this site than I did then! We did not decide to definitely go for ICSI until we had some follow up tests to confirm that DP was CF negative as this runs in my family. We decided to go ahead at Xmas and told our families that too. They have been brilliant - my sister immediately offered to be a surrogate bless her!
I have told my ulimate boss - the Head Teacher who was lovely - his sister has been there! I have not yet told my immediate colleagues but I will have to as I will need so much time off - being a teacher you have to have some one else in the classroom! I still have not decided how to do this - still thinking about it as I want those I work closest with to know but not the whole school!
Lordy I have rambled on enough - it is worth telling just a few who are closest to you so you do have some one to talk to. I would advise that you understand some of the basics of what will happen - people just dont know unless they have been there I suppose and they will ask bizarre questions!
Hope this helps!
Love
LindaJane
how to tell them
Its a difficult one thats for sure. We didn't tell anyone anything for 7 years !! We just pretended having kids wasn't a priority, we were enjoying travelling too much, too busy with work etc etc. When the reality was we were dying inside everytime someone brought up the subject or announced their 'good news'. The first person I told was my mum, she suspected we were having problems as she knew I'd always wanted children. It was such a relief to tell someone, even though we have never been particularly 'close' when it comes to talking about personal things. Then a friend told me she was having troubles, so we opened up to her too - of course she then fell pregnant and she didn't dare tell me until she was 5mths gone which upset me.
It definately helps letting certain people know - a parent, a close friend or the boss at work, it makes it easier when you have to be at an appointment or take time off. But most people don't know how to react - which you can't blame them for. You'll definately get people stopping talking about babies, pregnancy etc in front of you, but then you'll also get the one that brings it up at dinner with complete strangers. We sent an email to everyone we wanted to know - it was a story about a couple having fertility problems - we got it from this site - someone posted it and it made us weep buckets, because it said everything we wanted to say and said exactly how we were feeling. It was on the old site so I'm not sure if Ill be able to find it - but I'll try then post it. We sent it to all our friends and family and got a super response. It helped them deal with it and helped them know how to react to us.
Good luck, love from Wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It definately helps letting certain people know - a parent, a close friend or the boss at work, it makes it easier when you have to be at an appointment or take time off. But most people don't know how to react - which you can't blame them for. You'll definately get people stopping talking about babies, pregnancy etc in front of you, but then you'll also get the one that brings it up at dinner with complete strangers. We sent an email to everyone we wanted to know - it was a story about a couple having fertility problems - we got it from this site - someone posted it and it made us weep buckets, because it said everything we wanted to say and said exactly how we were feeling. It was on the old site so I'm not sure if Ill be able to find it - but I'll try then post it. We sent it to all our friends and family and got a super response. It helped them deal with it and helped them know how to react to us.
Good luck, love from Wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Amity
I have always told people about our treatments and their support and understanding have been great. The only thing that used to bug me was as soon as you say, we have to have IVF they reply saying that they know someone too who has to have it and go on to tell you all about it and quite frankley I'd rather not listen to that as invariably they always get the facts wrong and think they know all there is to IVF. Perhaps I am just cynical.
As for work I believe it is always better to be upfront with bosses as the treatments can be so tempremental and you may need more time off for appointments or stay's in hospital.
It can be a god send when people know but it's totally your decision. Good luck whatever you decide. You'd be surprised as to how much support you get once you've told people.
Love Dagny x
I have always told people about our treatments and their support and understanding have been great. The only thing that used to bug me was as soon as you say, we have to have IVF they reply saying that they know someone too who has to have it and go on to tell you all about it and quite frankley I'd rather not listen to that as invariably they always get the facts wrong and think they know all there is to IVF. Perhaps I am just cynical.
As for work I believe it is always better to be upfront with bosses as the treatments can be so tempremental and you may need more time off for appointments or stay's in hospital.
It can be a god send when people know but it's totally your decision. Good luck whatever you decide. You'd be surprised as to how much support you get once you've told people.
Love Dagny x
Hi
Having a sister who had PCOS like I have made it easy for me to confide in her and my mother pretty early on before even having any tests but when I knew something was up. When we eventually found out that my DH had problems too it was a lot more difficult and I was just so miserable that when I went to visit my parents (who live abroad) they wanted to know what was up and I just cried my eyes out and siad I didn't know if we'd be able to have kids. It took a lot longer for my DH to tell his Mum as I felt funny about the whole thing adn my in-laws knowing I just thought it would work out adn we wouldn't ever have to tell them. He told his Mum 6 months ago that we'd been trying to thave a family for over 2 years and were having problems but were seeing people about it. It was a really hard time for us as my sister and his brother's wife were both expecting kids in November along with really good freidns of ours. Since then we only went to a private clinic last week having been messed around a lot by the NHS. My parents knew we were going but my mother-in-law didn't know.
So I told my parents the results over the phone and we decided we'd wait a day before braving it to my in-laws to tell them face to face. All geared up to go we were stopped in our tracks by a ohone call from my DH's sister to tell us she was pregnant.....with twins. Ijust burst into hysterical tears and couldn't face going to my in-laws then, so my DH went on his own.
Last night he decided to tell his sister our situation over the phone so she's understand why we were on the one hand happy for her, but found it really hard. I don't remember the last time I saw my DH cry, but he was in tears over the phone to her.
Aside from them and my brother and two close frinds of mine no on else knows and we'd like to keep it that way.
We feel that we've already lost that specialness in some way of having a baby being between two loving people and want to keep as much to ourselves as possible.
I'm lucky in that I work for myself at home now so I don't need to explain appointments to anyone.
It does help to have other people to talk to and cry to as it's a big strain on just the two of you.
There is a really good website with advice for friends and family on what not to say: resolve.org
Good luck
Having a sister who had PCOS like I have made it easy for me to confide in her and my mother pretty early on before even having any tests but when I knew something was up. When we eventually found out that my DH had problems too it was a lot more difficult and I was just so miserable that when I went to visit my parents (who live abroad) they wanted to know what was up and I just cried my eyes out and siad I didn't know if we'd be able to have kids. It took a lot longer for my DH to tell his Mum as I felt funny about the whole thing adn my in-laws knowing I just thought it would work out adn we wouldn't ever have to tell them. He told his Mum 6 months ago that we'd been trying to thave a family for over 2 years and were having problems but were seeing people about it. It was a really hard time for us as my sister and his brother's wife were both expecting kids in November along with really good freidns of ours. Since then we only went to a private clinic last week having been messed around a lot by the NHS. My parents knew we were going but my mother-in-law didn't know.
So I told my parents the results over the phone and we decided we'd wait a day before braving it to my in-laws to tell them face to face. All geared up to go we were stopped in our tracks by a ohone call from my DH's sister to tell us she was pregnant.....with twins. Ijust burst into hysterical tears and couldn't face going to my in-laws then, so my DH went on his own.
Last night he decided to tell his sister our situation over the phone so she's understand why we were on the one hand happy for her, but found it really hard. I don't remember the last time I saw my DH cry, but he was in tears over the phone to her.
Aside from them and my brother and two close frinds of mine no on else knows and we'd like to keep it that way.
We feel that we've already lost that specialness in some way of having a baby being between two loving people and want to keep as much to ourselves as possible.
I'm lucky in that I work for myself at home now so I don't need to explain appointments to anyone.
It does help to have other people to talk to and cry to as it's a big strain on just the two of you.
There is a really good website with advice for friends and family on what not to say: resolve.org
Good luck
Hi there,
I think the best advice is to do what you feel comfortable with - tell the people you trust or those you feel could offer you best emotional support. It's easy to tell some people, I find, but others you just back off from.
I agree that it is good to tell someone at work if you feel you can trust them and they'll be supportive - after all, you may need to take a bit of time off and it saves excuses having to be made.
You know, don't worry about embarassing people, you have to start thinking about yourself. We found it amazing how many people had simialr problems or knew of someone who had. As my friend has always said, those who can can pregnant whenever they want seem to be in the minority these days.
Whatever you decide, I hope all goes well for you.
Zoe
I think the best advice is to do what you feel comfortable with - tell the people you trust or those you feel could offer you best emotional support. It's easy to tell some people, I find, but others you just back off from.
I agree that it is good to tell someone at work if you feel you can trust them and they'll be supportive - after all, you may need to take a bit of time off and it saves excuses having to be made.
You know, don't worry about embarassing people, you have to start thinking about yourself. We found it amazing how many people had simialr problems or knew of someone who had. As my friend has always said, those who can can pregnant whenever they want seem to be in the minority these days.
Whatever you decide, I hope all goes well for you.
Zoe
Hi,
When I started ttc (over 2 years ago now) I was such a blabber mouth that I told everyone that me and my partner were trying for children. So when nothing happened I told them about going for tests etc.
Mother in law was told alot later (after laparoscopy) - basically because I had the operation on the day we moved house so couldn't really hide it.
I have told my boss and work colleagues (they have been great).
I have emailed all my family and freinds the dates of scans, ec and et. Will have to wait and see whether this has been a good idea, but so far they have all been great. Sending lovely emails and texts.
All but one of my close friends have new babies or pregnant. Both my sisters are pregnant, and it is sooooo tough when I see them. I am very frank with them and just say that I am so happy for them but that I am also so jealous and sad for me, and that it hurts me when I see them. I think they understand (except one friend who phoned me on New Years Eve to tell me she was pregnant). Obviously I was still crying at midnight!.
Anyway to cut a long story short I think I find it easier to tell people than to lie and say that I'm not ready for children yet.
I don't go into detail with work friends, but just say that "I'm doing ivf". I haven't had any weird comments back yet. Just people saying positive things. Actually my Mum was the worst .... she said that my partner might leave me because of the hormonal rages. I had a hormonal rage at her for that one.
She's been fab since ... I think she learnt her lesson!!!!
Hope this has made some sense.
From Sophie-Jane.
When I started ttc (over 2 years ago now) I was such a blabber mouth that I told everyone that me and my partner were trying for children. So when nothing happened I told them about going for tests etc.
Mother in law was told alot later (after laparoscopy) - basically because I had the operation on the day we moved house so couldn't really hide it.
I have told my boss and work colleagues (they have been great).
I have emailed all my family and freinds the dates of scans, ec and et. Will have to wait and see whether this has been a good idea, but so far they have all been great. Sending lovely emails and texts.
All but one of my close friends have new babies or pregnant. Both my sisters are pregnant, and it is sooooo tough when I see them. I am very frank with them and just say that I am so happy for them but that I am also so jealous and sad for me, and that it hurts me when I see them. I think they understand (except one friend who phoned me on New Years Eve to tell me she was pregnant). Obviously I was still crying at midnight!.
Anyway to cut a long story short I think I find it easier to tell people than to lie and say that I'm not ready for children yet.
I don't go into detail with work friends, but just say that "I'm doing ivf". I haven't had any weird comments back yet. Just people saying positive things. Actually my Mum was the worst .... she said that my partner might leave me because of the hormonal rages. I had a hormonal rage at her for that one.
She's been fab since ... I think she learnt her lesson!!!!
Hope this has made some sense.
From Sophie-Jane.
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Nicky Dean
- Member
- Posts: 58
- Joined: Mon May 05, 2003 10:28 pm
Hi
Its so hard going through IVF and to have support from people that are so close to you is sooooooo important, but sometimes your not sure how they are going to react and when you dont get the response you need, that is even worse.
My parents have known from the start and have been wonderful, sometimes asking too many questions, especially when i dont have the answers,( i have been ill a lot as young child, so i think my parents still look out for me in that way) but my in-laws where diff all together sort of saying oh right and not asking any questions, which made me feel crap. Im not saying they wernt caring, but just didnt get the response i wanted, maybe its the way there handling it. Im lucky as my brothers arent married and prob never will and my sister in law doesnt want any children, i dont think... my brother in law again too busy enjoying himself, so no one too close expecting, and to top it off i have just been made redundant by work, which is bad cause i work part time eve's, perfect for hosp visits and not too stressful, oh well hopefully as one door shuts another will open....
I would say confide only in people you can trust, yes its good to talk about it, but again as the other girls have said people can say the most hurtful things, again they dont understand and it is hard to take it all in.
Whatever, you take care and i wish you good luck on your journey to having the most wonderful experience in the world
Love
Nicky xxx
Its so hard going through IVF and to have support from people that are so close to you is sooooooo important, but sometimes your not sure how they are going to react and when you dont get the response you need, that is even worse.
My parents have known from the start and have been wonderful, sometimes asking too many questions, especially when i dont have the answers,( i have been ill a lot as young child, so i think my parents still look out for me in that way) but my in-laws where diff all together sort of saying oh right and not asking any questions, which made me feel crap. Im not saying they wernt caring, but just didnt get the response i wanted, maybe its the way there handling it. Im lucky as my brothers arent married and prob never will and my sister in law doesnt want any children, i dont think... my brother in law again too busy enjoying himself, so no one too close expecting, and to top it off i have just been made redundant by work, which is bad cause i work part time eve's, perfect for hosp visits and not too stressful, oh well hopefully as one door shuts another will open....
I would say confide only in people you can trust, yes its good to talk about it, but again as the other girls have said people can say the most hurtful things, again they dont understand and it is hard to take it all in.
Whatever, you take care and i wish you good luck on your journey to having the most wonderful experience in the world
Love
Nicky xxx
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Rhonda Richards
- Member
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2004 1:14 pm
- Location: Germany
Hi Amity
If there's one thing I know about and that's the difficulty of telling families. When my hisband and I first decided to go down the infertility road we were very honest with families and friends; their support was great (to begin with). My mother started saying that maybe we should wait, we're too young and finally the clincher for me was it's not natural! Also being on the infertility drugs I was very emotional and this hurt (but I never told her this!)
My husband and I then decided to stop for awhile, because I was becoming very emotional around babies and questioning 'why me? why can't I do the natural thing'. Even my best friend on 8 years was to scared to tell me she was pregnant because she didn't want to hurt my feelings; I did start feeling unnatural.
Me and my husband are now trying the infertility road again and I'm definately going all the way to IVF if we have to, but I won't be telling my mum or friends; this may sound selfish but we're doing this for us and no one else.
Each family reacts differently, and I wish you all the luck in the world when you tell yours; all the luck with your tmt and hope to hear all your news.
If there's one thing I know about and that's the difficulty of telling families. When my hisband and I first decided to go down the infertility road we were very honest with families and friends; their support was great (to begin with). My mother started saying that maybe we should wait, we're too young and finally the clincher for me was it's not natural! Also being on the infertility drugs I was very emotional and this hurt (but I never told her this!)
My husband and I then decided to stop for awhile, because I was becoming very emotional around babies and questioning 'why me? why can't I do the natural thing'. Even my best friend on 8 years was to scared to tell me she was pregnant because she didn't want to hurt my feelings; I did start feeling unnatural.
Me and my husband are now trying the infertility road again and I'm definately going all the way to IVF if we have to, but I won't be telling my mum or friends; this may sound selfish but we're doing this for us and no one else.
Each family reacts differently, and I wish you all the luck in the world when you tell yours; all the luck with your tmt and hope to hear all your news.
LOL Rhonda
Me 27yrs DH 29yrs
ttc 6yrs
WISH ALL GOODLUCK and HUGS (they do help sometimes!)
Me 27yrs DH 29yrs
ttc 6yrs
WISH ALL GOODLUCK and HUGS (they do help sometimes!)
Hello
My mum knows and two very good girl friends and that is it. I am really reluctant to tell anyone else as I just dont want people to feel sorry for us - I do more than enough 'feeling sorry' for us on my own
!! Also I am 32 and so many of our friends are now starting to have families I don't want us to be the couple that they are worried about telling that they are expecting. I am so lucky in that one girl friend is also going through IVF so we have worked our way through the hurdles together - she has been a real star. My mum is understanding but we dont really discuss the (non) progress. My dh hasn't yet told his parents but I do want him to now that we are starting an IVF cycle. I think that they would want to know. It is all very difficult isnt it?
Work - well that is problematic in that I am in the process of being interviewed for a job I want and have been given dates for our one and only NHS ivf. If I get offered the job what do I do (I am not working at the moment) - delay the IVF? or try and postpone a starting date for the job? It is sooooo typical! Such bad life timing.
My mum knows and two very good girl friends and that is it. I am really reluctant to tell anyone else as I just dont want people to feel sorry for us - I do more than enough 'feeling sorry' for us on my own
!! Also I am 32 and so many of our friends are now starting to have families I don't want us to be the couple that they are worried about telling that they are expecting. I am so lucky in that one girl friend is also going through IVF so we have worked our way through the hurdles together - she has been a real star. My mum is understanding but we dont really discuss the (non) progress. My dh hasn't yet told his parents but I do want him to now that we are starting an IVF cycle. I think that they would want to know. It is all very difficult isnt it?Work - well that is problematic in that I am in the process of being interviewed for a job I want and have been given dates for our one and only NHS ivf. If I get offered the job what do I do (I am not working at the moment) - delay the IVF? or try and postpone a starting date for the job? It is sooooo typical! Such bad life timing.
I have been telling people, just because it helps me to talk about it and there might be someone who is having the same problem and also needs someone to talk too or someone might have info. that could be helpful to you. but, you will have people who do not understand and say all the wrong things. I found my doctor by talking to a co-worker who had just gone through IVF. Just do what feels best to you. Jana