pain of being childlessness...
oh, I thank God for my Miracle, I enjoy my child every day, I cannot express my gratefulness, I am so aware of his existance, of his being, I am so aware too that I am very very lucky of having a child ! (I honestly did not expect it after such a struggle) I truely am grateful every breath this little boy is taking...
but..
how come I still feel the pain
how come I still can cry tears of a sorrow that should be 'solved' with the birth of this little boy?
I sometimes read the same pain in a message...
I wonder how it is possible... my Deam has come true... and yet, I can still cry ...
Do you, mothers after ivf or other infertilitytreatment(s), feel the same?
And how do yóu cope?
Will it go away in the end... or will it be a scar...
I realise I do not feel this as strong as when our son was freshly born... but I still feel it...
A betrayal... I left all those wonderful women who are longing for a baby... I became a mum after struggling with infertility for so long...
Infertility was such a big part of my life...
a child after ivf and still feeling pain sometimes...
a child after ivf and still feeling pain sometimes...
after lots of IUI, 4 FETs and 5 IVF's
a babyboy!
a babyboy!
Dear Alette
I see you posted this a while ago but I just read it yesterday and thought I would respond.
It sounds to me like you may have some post natal depression. After I had my son through IVF (after 5 attempts and years of trying with many complications) I was completely overwhelmed and overwrought. I cried & cried & cried - as though all the pain I had been holding onto over the years just came flooding out.
I think when you are going through IVF it is such an incredibly painful and acutely intense experience that you have to use what ever survival mechanism you can to get through it, which for me certainly meant shoving my pain as far to the back of mind as possible.
When I first had Ollie I had expected to be overjoyed all the time but I must say I was actually very panicky,stressed and dare I say it -depressed for the first 6 months - in the end I saw the doctor about my panic attacks who said I could have anti-depressants but that I wld have to stop breast feeding - I did not want to do this so just put up with it.
Perhaps if you are very low you should see someone about it - I have previously (on a different occasion taken a drug called Citalopram - which was absolutely fantastic and made the world look different after only about two weeks). I think after such an intense experience it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do. As you said, you know you are lucky and love your baby as much as is humanely possible but the grief of the previous years still needs to come out.
So Good Luck and take care. Love Vicky
I see you posted this a while ago but I just read it yesterday and thought I would respond.
It sounds to me like you may have some post natal depression. After I had my son through IVF (after 5 attempts and years of trying with many complications) I was completely overwhelmed and overwrought. I cried & cried & cried - as though all the pain I had been holding onto over the years just came flooding out.
I think when you are going through IVF it is such an incredibly painful and acutely intense experience that you have to use what ever survival mechanism you can to get through it, which for me certainly meant shoving my pain as far to the back of mind as possible.
When I first had Ollie I had expected to be overjoyed all the time but I must say I was actually very panicky,stressed and dare I say it -depressed for the first 6 months - in the end I saw the doctor about my panic attacks who said I could have anti-depressants but that I wld have to stop breast feeding - I did not want to do this so just put up with it.
Perhaps if you are very low you should see someone about it - I have previously (on a different occasion taken a drug called Citalopram - which was absolutely fantastic and made the world look different after only about two weeks). I think after such an intense experience it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do. As you said, you know you are lucky and love your baby as much as is humanely possible but the grief of the previous years still needs to come out.
So Good Luck and take care. Love Vicky
Me 35, DH 36
4 X IVF, I X FET - positive - baby boy born April 06
2 x MC in 2007 at 6wks & 12wks
Nat preg Mar 08 - Girl
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;51;103/st/20081230/n/Tess+Genevieve+Mary/dt/5/k/5326/age.png[/img]
4 X IVF, I X FET - positive - baby boy born April 06
2 x MC in 2007 at 6wks & 12wks
Nat preg Mar 08 - Girl
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;51;103/st/20081230/n/Tess+Genevieve+Mary/dt/5/k/5326/age.png[/img]
Dear Vicky,
how sweet of you to react!
Our son is 2,5
so I do not think that I suffer from post natal depression .
I searched for the symptoms of this depression but actually I never was crying (from joy and happiness yes) or fearfull or scared that I could not cope.
After his birth, this period was weird yes, he is born with facial paralysis and it was a uncertain scary period, for sure.
But I never really suffered from the symptoms of post natal depression (and I was alert on myself, actually I think I was the only one who thought I was not normal, everybody else reassured me that it was completely normal to feel so overwhelmed with feelings, so I do believe this was all normal).
I do agree that the long history of wanting to conceive, the IUI's, the IVF's, causes a lot of pain and stress and that this has to come out, one way or the other...
From wanting to conceive to having this little boy, this huge wonder, are 12 years in between of hoping, struggling.
As I said before, infertility is such a big part of my life, I just cannot forget this all.
I saw a program in which a couple who tried to conceive for 6 years and got parents at last, said: how easily all the pain is forgotten when you hold your child.
I do not feel it like that, I cannot forget the pain.
Maybe I was too focused, maybe it took too long, I do not know...
I cannot forget and I do not want to forget..
But for sure I am not the only one thinking like this?
Thank you again for answering me Vicky, I am glad you made it to be a mama too.
how sweet of you to react!
Our son is 2,5
so I do not think that I suffer from post natal depression . I searched for the symptoms of this depression but actually I never was crying (from joy and happiness yes) or fearfull or scared that I could not cope.
After his birth, this period was weird yes, he is born with facial paralysis and it was a uncertain scary period, for sure.
But I never really suffered from the symptoms of post natal depression (and I was alert on myself, actually I think I was the only one who thought I was not normal, everybody else reassured me that it was completely normal to feel so overwhelmed with feelings, so I do believe this was all normal).
I do agree that the long history of wanting to conceive, the IUI's, the IVF's, causes a lot of pain and stress and that this has to come out, one way or the other...
From wanting to conceive to having this little boy, this huge wonder, are 12 years in between of hoping, struggling.
As I said before, infertility is such a big part of my life, I just cannot forget this all.
I saw a program in which a couple who tried to conceive for 6 years and got parents at last, said: how easily all the pain is forgotten when you hold your child.
I do not feel it like that, I cannot forget the pain.
Maybe I was too focused, maybe it took too long, I do not know...
I cannot forget and I do not want to forget..
But for sure I am not the only one thinking like this?
Thank you again for answering me Vicky, I am glad you made it to be a mama too.
after lots of IUI, 4 FETs and 5 IVF's
a babyboy!
a babyboy!
Alette
I also feel pain, but not so much from the emotional traunma of the IVF journey, but how lucky we are to have been successful and the what if it hadn't worked. We had been ttc for many years and our IVF journey was without complications but very intense - 4 cycles in 9 months.
I additional have the constant emotional pain of wanting another baby. We started ttc natually when DD was 6 months old and have had many consultations with the medical professionals since she was 1 year old.
I would dearly like another one but have been told (by more than one consultant) that due to my age, risk of multiples and other gynaecological health issues, cannot have another child with what is left of my eggs - after long discussions with DH, DE is not an option for us.
I find this pain increasing as the days and months pass and have to pinch myself back into reality, reminding myself how truely blessed we are with our miracle DD.
As I am approaching 47, and am gradually giving up the hope of having another one (not yet ready to give away my baby gear stuffed in the attic). I continue to enjoy the complete joy of being a Mummy and watching our DD grow into a healthy and happy toddler embracing each new day.
I am frightened that if I let these feelings of pain continue that, in years to come, the memory of these years will be of pain instead of joy.
I wish you luck and think that you have done the best thing by sharing your feelings on this message board. Remember the saying 'A problem shared is a problem halved'.
Kind regards
CarolineP
I also feel pain, but not so much from the emotional traunma of the IVF journey, but how lucky we are to have been successful and the what if it hadn't worked. We had been ttc for many years and our IVF journey was without complications but very intense - 4 cycles in 9 months.
I additional have the constant emotional pain of wanting another baby. We started ttc natually when DD was 6 months old and have had many consultations with the medical professionals since she was 1 year old.
I would dearly like another one but have been told (by more than one consultant) that due to my age, risk of multiples and other gynaecological health issues, cannot have another child with what is left of my eggs - after long discussions with DH, DE is not an option for us.
I find this pain increasing as the days and months pass and have to pinch myself back into reality, reminding myself how truely blessed we are with our miracle DD.
As I am approaching 47, and am gradually giving up the hope of having another one (not yet ready to give away my baby gear stuffed in the attic). I continue to enjoy the complete joy of being a Mummy and watching our DD grow into a healthy and happy toddler embracing each new day.
I am frightened that if I let these feelings of pain continue that, in years to come, the memory of these years will be of pain instead of joy.
I wish you luck and think that you have done the best thing by sharing your feelings on this message board. Remember the saying 'A problem shared is a problem halved'.
Kind regards
CarolineP
Me 50 DH 57 - TTC 10 years
IVF July 04, Sept 04, Dec 04 all -ive
Mar 05 +ive - Amelia Leah born 30/11/05
IVF July 04, Sept 04, Dec 04 all -ive
Mar 05 +ive - Amelia Leah born 30/11/05
Thank you for your reply Pauline.
We cycled together !
And posted together on the 40+ subject!
We were the lucky ones, weren't we!
Koen is born on the 17th of November and Amelia Leah on the 30rd!
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much for a second child and that you have these sorrows.
How wonderful it would have been ...
I think that with the possibilies (trying to conceive naturally) you keep hope... only menopause can destroy your hope, doesn't it.
That is so cruel...
We did the same, 6 month after the birth of Koen, we underwent FET (had three cryo's left) the first failed, the second was a positive pregancytest (I honestly did not believe and I was right) but it did not feel good, I felt like getting my period all the time.. and I did, a week later.
This was the end of a book for me.
I closed it, gave away all the babystuff, throwed away the positive test and was okay with it.
My husband was/is not okay with it.
He accepts, yes, but he is sorry Koen will not have a brother or a sister.
We have no choice. Yes we have, but I do not want to undergo all the pain and stress again. If I only knew for sure that there would be a babybrother or sister in the end, then of course yes. But the chances are so little and the effort is so huge (money, emotions). We would have to go abroad for in the Netherlands the limit (our hospital 40 and other hospitals 43) is beyond mine, I am 44 now.
Trying to conceive naturally in my case is hoping for the 40 miljon Euro prize.
Ofcourse I am sorry too that Koen will not have a brother of a sister.
I try to see the advantages and I do.
This is my view but I surely understand the craving for a second child.
With the first child you do not know what to expect, and then, when you are a mother, you only understand this huge love that is happening to you.
And you must, in our case, say goodbye to the dream of more children.
Well, not entirely, because with you, there still is a possibility... and this still having a possibility makes it, for you, so hard.
Big hug for you Pauline, thank you for sharing your story!
It helps... the answers.. I was already thinking I was the only one...
We cycled together !
And posted together on the 40+ subject!
We were the lucky ones, weren't we!
Koen is born on the 17th of November and Amelia Leah on the 30rd!
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much for a second child and that you have these sorrows.
How wonderful it would have been ...
I think that with the possibilies (trying to conceive naturally) you keep hope... only menopause can destroy your hope, doesn't it.
That is so cruel...
We did the same, 6 month after the birth of Koen, we underwent FET (had three cryo's left) the first failed, the second was a positive pregancytest (I honestly did not believe and I was right) but it did not feel good, I felt like getting my period all the time.. and I did, a week later.
This was the end of a book for me.
I closed it, gave away all the babystuff, throwed away the positive test and was okay with it.
My husband was/is not okay with it.
He accepts, yes, but he is sorry Koen will not have a brother or a sister.
We have no choice. Yes we have, but I do not want to undergo all the pain and stress again. If I only knew for sure that there would be a babybrother or sister in the end, then of course yes. But the chances are so little and the effort is so huge (money, emotions). We would have to go abroad for in the Netherlands the limit (our hospital 40 and other hospitals 43) is beyond mine, I am 44 now.
Trying to conceive naturally in my case is hoping for the 40 miljon Euro prize.
Ofcourse I am sorry too that Koen will not have a brother of a sister.
I try to see the advantages and I do.
This is my view but I surely understand the craving for a second child.
With the first child you do not know what to expect, and then, when you are a mother, you only understand this huge love that is happening to you.
And you must, in our case, say goodbye to the dream of more children.
Well, not entirely, because with you, there still is a possibility... and this still having a possibility makes it, for you, so hard.
Big hug for you Pauline, thank you for sharing your story!
It helps... the answers.. I was already thinking I was the only one...
after lots of IUI, 4 FETs and 5 IVF's
a babyboy!
a babyboy!
Alette and Caroline,
It's very nice to find you both here. I was disapointed that all our old 40+ disappeared slowly. I know that these two posts are few months old, but I still would like to share some similar feelings with you.
I had our DD in Feb 2007 and actively trying for the second naturally after 4 month postpartum when the AF returned. Got few times positive pg by HPT but never lasted beyond 5 weeks - I believe natural MC happened. Then I went on for another FET and got pg again with my own eggs.
What I wanted to say is that even though I am pg now and likely to have another baby in the end, I still feel empty, I still feel some kind of pain...I have a feeling, this pain would never go away, no matter how many children that I will have in the end...
I constantly ask me the same questions as Alette's. What I finally slowly figured out is this: we feel the pain is because we have to pay such a high price (emotionally and financially) to get this happiness. We feel painful is because infertility does not go away even after you have babies in your arms...
So, we can only live with the fact that we are infertile, which is the source of pain...
It's very nice to find you both here. I was disapointed that all our old 40+ disappeared slowly. I know that these two posts are few months old, but I still would like to share some similar feelings with you.
I had our DD in Feb 2007 and actively trying for the second naturally after 4 month postpartum when the AF returned. Got few times positive pg by HPT but never lasted beyond 5 weeks - I believe natural MC happened. Then I went on for another FET and got pg again with my own eggs.
What I wanted to say is that even though I am pg now and likely to have another baby in the end, I still feel empty, I still feel some kind of pain...I have a feeling, this pain would never go away, no matter how many children that I will have in the end...
I constantly ask me the same questions as Alette's. What I finally slowly figured out is this: we feel the pain is because we have to pay such a high price (emotionally and financially) to get this happiness. We feel painful is because infertility does not go away even after you have babies in your arms...
So, we can only live with the fact that we are infertile, which is the source of pain...
Me, 50 DH, 40
IVF, 11/05, 19 embryos(e), no ET, OHSS
FET, 02/06, cancelled, dominant egg
FET, 04/06, 4e, BFN
FET, 06/06, 6e, DD born 02/07
FET, 05/08, 5e, DS born 01/09
http://yasminachina.blogspot.com/
IVF, 11/05, 19 embryos(e), no ET, OHSS
FET, 02/06, cancelled, dominant egg
FET, 04/06, 4e, BFN
FET, 06/06, 6e, DD born 02/07
FET, 05/08, 5e, DS born 01/09
http://yasminachina.blogspot.com/
Hello -
i am new to this sight, and actually this is the topic I was searching when I found it.
I have twins, boy / girl, they just turned 1. And there is still this complete emptiness inside me. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE my babies. They mean the world to me. But deep down inside, I still feel that lost feeling I had all during by if journey.
I consider myself to be one of the "lucky ones". I conceived the twins with our first attempt at ivf - of course we did 8 iui beforehand.
I feel like I can't even say this aloud, because absolutely no one would understand. But I thank you ladies for this post, especially for you Alette, for starting this post. I definitely feel less alone.
Thank you!
Kristen
Boy/Girl Twins - 9/25/07
i am new to this sight, and actually this is the topic I was searching when I found it.
I have twins, boy / girl, they just turned 1. And there is still this complete emptiness inside me. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE my babies. They mean the world to me. But deep down inside, I still feel that lost feeling I had all during by if journey.
I consider myself to be one of the "lucky ones". I conceived the twins with our first attempt at ivf - of course we did 8 iui beforehand.
I feel like I can't even say this aloud, because absolutely no one would understand. But I thank you ladies for this post, especially for you Alette, for starting this post. I definitely feel less alone.
Thank you!
Kristen
Boy/Girl Twins - 9/25/07
Thank you Kirsten for your reaction (for feeling the same 
).
strange ha? that we can feel this way... even though our deepest longing is fullfilled...
I feel somehow sentimental today... as our little boy is turning 3 tomorrow...
what a journey...
Your words... " feel like I can't even say this aloud, because absolutely no one would understand" hit me...
this is how I feel... felt...
Big hug for you!
). strange ha? that we can feel this way... even though our deepest longing is fullfilled...
I feel somehow sentimental today... as our little boy is turning 3 tomorrow...
what a journey...
Your words... " feel like I can't even say this aloud, because absolutely no one would understand" hit me...
this is how I feel... felt...
Big hug for you!
after lots of IUI, 4 FETs and 5 IVF's
a babyboy!
a babyboy!