It is getting harder to be a happy person

[THE KIM'S]

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, trust me I have enough of that in my life with my family, friends and even husband and I know that this is just the path I was intended to walk but I'm not sure how much more of it I can endure. I just found out another person in my life is pregnant so that will make a total of 3 people that I must attend the baby showers, pretend to be happy, buy baby gifts, etc. I started this process before all of these women and they are all within 2 months of each other being pregnant. I can't seem to pull myself together, I cry whenever I talk to one of them and try to avoid getting together as that is almost unberable I have literally shut them all out of my lives and do not know when I will feel comfortable enough to be around them again, i know this is my problem and I truly want them to focus on their pregnancies right now, but if one more of them tells me to hang in there I might lose my mind. We all started this process together (as we are all over thirty and wanted to try together) I am the only one that isn't pregnant. I no longer discusss my infertility with anyone other than my husband and I dont' remember the last time I said anything positive about it at all. I just don't know how to be happy anymore, because everytime I hear about another one of them being pregnant I lose it for a couple of days then get my footing and find another blow coming from left field. I feel like god has abandoned me, as I know this isn't true, it really feels like it, I don't know what I did to deserve this and it truly doesn't help that my husband is in the "optomistic club" he says this is a good sign that it is going to happen to us as well, unfortunately all i can think of is how i will handle going to the hospital to greet 3 children, going to 3 baby showes, buying three baby gifts, etc, etc

I can' stop crying it just hurts so much

[not hopeless yet]

Hi Kims-

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling... and without writing a novel here I just want suggest that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I went to one shower last year and survived. But the next month I had another to attend and found myself sitting in the shower crying my eyes out. I seriously wasn't sure I could get through the shower... but I did and proceeded to drive home & could barely see out the window I was crying so hard.
So for the next two showers I was invited to, I bought a gift and dropped it off at the party-planners house. But I declined to attend and guess what? I felt great. Yes, even though these gals were good friends of mine, for my own mental health I couldn't go. And you know what else? One girl had like 50 guests so she wasn't going to miss me...
Besides, it was hard enough physically buying the baby gift (and I'm such a sucker that I always end up buying myself one small thing and squirreling it away for the future) let alone watching her open gifts for 3 hours! Currently I have another 4 friends preg and I can barely talk to any of them anymore. I'm not even crying about it anymore. I'm just pissed.
They all know what I'm going through but they have no IDEA what I'm going through. you know? I used to confide in a couple of them every small detail of this rollercoaster. Every blood test. Every phone call from the doctor. But now I don't. And it makes it harder for me to only have my dh... but like you said, I don't need their pity. And I don't need one more person saying "it'll happen for you too!" I feel like strangling them because they don't know how much I want a baby, how many times I've been poked, prodded, anxious, let down, etc. They just 'oops' turn up pregnant.
A few friends I even had to avoid for a few months after they told me because I was so jealous. But I have to confess one secret to you- that I don't mind visiting them after the baby is born, because I know my child will be much cuter! hehehehe. And the bottom line is I have to be happy for them. They are creating a family and hopefully in 5 years I'll look back at this time in my life and know all that jealousy was pointless... because hopefully I'll have one or two of my own and our kids will play together and this sucky-fertility battle will be behind me. But it's hard to stay positive when I've been through over 5 IUIs and I have an IVF consult lined up for the Fall.
Well, Kims... hang in there. And hey- we only live once so why torture yourself and go to these showers. Try taking a day off and pampering yourself instead!

[Fluffypuppygal]

I agree with both of you ladies and I am right there with you!
My hell - A year ago I had to HOST the baby shower for my friend on the same day that my 3-day-late period came in! (Talk about crying your eyes out then having to fake a smile!)
This summer? One one, not two, but THREE family members under 20 all either get someone pregant or become pregnant!
Baby #1 - To my husband's nephew, who is broke, no job, no schooling beyond barely passing high school, no apartment. They all now live with Mom, who would call almost daily and gush about the new baby (born three months ago). Needless to say (for our sanity) we are no longer speaking with her except on holidays.
Baby #2 - To my 19-year-old mentally delayed nephew. The baby is perfect (born last month) and we get lots of photos sent to my email, which I try to be happy about, but prefer to not look at as it hurts. I usually will simply email a thank you and pass on opening the photo. I had offered to adopt the baby earlier, and got the usual "No, we'd rather the baby be raised tossed back and forth between homes." That's okay because my brother is a good man and is doing a lot for the baby, but it still hurts.
Baby #3 - To my 20-year-old step-daughter, who has Personality Disorder, has a police record, and is living the life of the stereotypical Jerry Springer girl. She will be delivering in November, and this is one of my husband's favorite topics, so in addition to bearing my own burden of infertility hell I have to help share the personal demons my husband is dealing with.
(By the way, we do have good people in my family! We aren't total hillbillies!)

Now the kicker - My doctor just told me today that my overies aren't responding well to the follistem/menipur/lupron mix, and that they want me to start considering whether or not I was to continue the IVF with only 3-4 moderate-looking eggs in the right ovary. My husband and I agreed that we would only do one cycle of IVF and that would be it, so now I have to decide to gamble or give it up forever.

I'm in the "pooper" with you! So feel free to send gifts if you feel like it, but don't feel bad about not being there cheering on pregant friends like Pollyanna. If they are your friends, they need to be understanding, too. Its not all on you.

[not hopeless yet]

Hi Fluffy-

I read your other posts and didn't even know how to respond... especially to whomever said "maybe God's trying to tell you something..." I think I would've drop-kicked that person right then and there if they said it to me. Also, the people getting pregnant around me aren't necessarily the un-wed, un-employed teens like you're mentioning... but it still hurts all the same. Actually my sister and cousin, both black sheep in the family, both unemployed, unmarried - got pregnant last year and had little girls one month apart. Now I have to watch as they do a poor job raising the kids and have no life goals. But that story is for another time.

Sorry to hear you aren't responding well to the follistem. What about donor eggs? See, I'm open to being a parent anyway how- adoption, foster care, etc. But it would be nice to experience pregnancy just once. But that's just me. And if IVF doesn't work for us I'm totally bummed about how expensive adoption is. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. This cycle is my last round of Gonal F with IUI (3 cycles of Clomid and 3 cycles of Gonal F were required by my insurance before we can consider IVF... and I actually did 5 mths Clomid.)

Also, that totally sucks that you were hosting the baby shower just as AF arrived. It's like the universe playing a cruel game of irony with us! My pregnant cubicle-mate is urging me to plan a shower for another pregnant co-worker, because co-worker #2 is from out of state and doesn't have many friends. I haven't said no just yet, but I'm NOT doing it. I CAN'T. I just emotionally can't handle it. It was hard enough dealing with a pregnant cubby-mate and friends. When co-worker #2 said she was expecting I seriously considered quitting my job. Surrounded by all these just-happened-to-get-pregnant-the-month or two-we-started-trying gals drives me insane.

[Fluffypuppygal]

Sometimes I have to wonder just where people get their ideas and common sense from!!! What thinking, considerate co-worker would task a woman struggling with fertility issues to host a baby shower for a distant employee?!? (By the way, that little zinger about "God's will" came from a co-worker who actually said she thought those words would comfort me!!)
Doesn't it feel like every time you go outside, just about every female is now pregnant?

[not hopeless yet]

Yes, it does seem like everyone is preg. I commute to work by train everyday and I'm surrounded by them. And like I said I have two coworkers that are pregnant, 2 friends that just had babies, and 3 more that just told me they are too.

So where are you in your cycle? Will you go forward with IVF this month with only 4 eggs or will the convert to an IUI cycle? Would you consider donor eggs?

Keep me posted.

[Fluffypuppygal]

I am now on day 9 of stimulation. This is my first round with IVF. I don't think an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination?) will work for me because I lost my right tube with an ectopic pregnancy and my left ovary is the one which is stuck to my uterus and doesn't really work.

I would totally go for a dontated egg/embryo, but so far the two facilities I have talked to about this have given me less than great news. The first facility, Seattle Reproductive Medicine, let me know they only will give embryos to peope they hand select as "deserving." (This means "Not you, Anna!") The second service, Bethany Christian Services, has been very nice, but they would require me to do a home study, just like becoming an adoptive parent, fly down to California for the whole proceedure, and then pay a chunk of cash in addition to the cost of the medical proceedures. This may still be an option, but like I said earlier, my husband is very negative about this and it would require a considerable amount of money for the plane tickets, hotel to put me up for a few weeks (which means time off from work), costs of the facility, costs of the embryos, cost, cost, cost. I am a nurse and my husband is a security guard, so we really do have to be frugal with our money choices.
And then just emotionally, after raising a step-daughter who was less-than-kind to me for the entire duration that I was raising her, I really don't know if I feel trusting enough to commit myself to another child who will be constantly throwing "You're not my REAL MOTHER" in my face (and be right!), and then run back to this other woman the minute she turns 18. I want that child to want and run to me!

[not hopeless yet]

I feel for you on the step-daughter front... and not wanting to foster/adopt just to be let down when they turn 18. I know this is hardly a comparison, but since my dh wasn't totally into fostering I decided to join the Big Sister program. I meet with my Little Sis once a week for 3 hours and i was hoping that would tide me over until we conceive. But our match is not ideal and I don't feel like I'm connecting with this girl. I committed to a year and i WILL stick it out. But it feels more like a chore at this point. Anyhow, my dh joked "so now do you want to foster?" He was implying that we could've gotten stuck with a kid we don't bond with 24/7 rather than my 3-hr-per-week commitment to Lil sis.
Anyhow, I didn't realize clinics were so selective with egg donation. I figured if that's the route you wanted to take and had the money to pay they'd let you do it. But I'm in the same boat as you financially and I, myself, couldn't fork over $ for eggs... My dh is a teacher and I'm a drafter. Plus I don't know where you live but we're in MA and everything is so expensive. Mainly we feel the squeeze with our mortgage.
Ok enough griping from me. Ooh I have one thought for you- have you ever considered acupuncture? Me, I'm too nervous. I mean I practically pass out at the doctors every other time I"m there so i don't think i could handle needles. But it's just a thought...

[snowball]

I feel for all of you that have posted here. I am in a very simliar situation. I have been TTC for 5 years and continue to fight this battle today however I feel like I can't take the disappointment anymore. We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and the Drs. cannot find any rhyme or reason for why we have not conceived. I have done 6 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs. I am about to start my 3rd IVF cycle and have lost much if the optimism I had before. I have went back to TTC naturally 6 months ago after the 2nd failed IVF and am STILL disappointed every month. I mean how can I actually be this surprised. I get so mad at myself for even thinking this would work.

Sorry for digressing. I know EXACTLY how you all feel and I sympathize with every one of you. ALL my friends have either had a baby or are pregnant now. I'm talking no problems whatsoever. I had one friend left who just got married and was not even TTC and accidently got pregnant. Now I am officially the only one left and I can't deal with it another second. It's getting impossible to pick myself back up month after month and I don't know how much longer I can continue to try without completely giving up.

Good luck to all of you!!!!

[Fluffypuppygal]

"have you ever considered acupuncture? Me, I'm too nervous. I mean I practically pass out at the doctors every other time I"m there so i don't think i could handle needles. But it's just a thought...[/quote]

Yes, I did accupuncture, and it is almost completely painless and can actually be really relaxing! It didn't help me at all for fertility purposes (obviously!) but it was very restful to go and be worked on for an hour a day - kind of like a massage! The needles are smaller than your SQ needles and only go in a tiny, tiny bit, so there isn't blood if they do it right. It might be worth it just for the life experience!

Well, I applaud you for staying committed to your little sister. Relationships are a two-way street, and if one of you doesn't want to connect, you're kind of stuck. There is a big difference between building your family and simply having someone under 18 living in your home!

[Fluffypuppygal]

[quote="snowball"]I have went back to TTC naturally 6 months ago after the 2nd failed IVF and am STILL disappointed every month. I mean how can I actually be this surprised. I get so mad at myself for even thinking this would work.quote]

You still get disappointed because you still hope. The head and the heart don't always talk to one another and see eye to eye! It really is hard to have to be the exception to something which for other people comes so easily (and sometimes undeservedly).

Sending you a big hug!

[snowball]

I have done Acupuncture as well and found it very relaxing. But I am with you, it did not help with my fertility. BUT I know of other women who ended up getting pregnant with acupuncture and swear by it so it's def worth a shot. I believe in it.

[birdie]

Hi Ladies,

Not to be a downer, but I tried acupuncture with my last IVF cycle and I don't think it did much other than relaxing me, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. What pissed me off is that the acupuncturist would take my pulse each session and at the last one she said I had a "pregnancy pulse" whatever that's supposed to mean. Of course it got my hopes up only to be disappointed 2 weeks later when I got a BFN. I have heard that for some women it does help and I've used acupuncture to treat other health problems before. I say, if you are up for it, do it. It isn't usually covered by insurance though.
I can totally relate to it being hard to be a happy person lately. It does feel like everywhere I look pregnant women abound. I am dreading Thanksgiving when I will have to face my pregnant cousins and I am already planning to be "out of town" for Christmas so I won't have to face them a month before they're both due and walking around with huge bellies. I've been really depressed since my last BFN in September. Some days I literally feel trapped inside my body. To make things worse, I'm not presently working so I have all day to sit and ruminate over my situation. I am due to try another cycle in January and I just can't get myself excited for it. I worry that my negative frame of mind will adversely affect the outcome. Everyone says "oh, think positive" but how can I when I'm so terrified of another failure? I almost feel like I"m just going through the motions. I almost don't want to try anymore but I know that it takes some women 3 or more cycles for success. My husband is not ready to give up and that's what keeps me going with this. I feel like if I don't keep trying I will be letting us both down.