Can't get happy, can't stop obsessing

[Fluffypuppygal]

I heard back from the embryologist, and our last remaining (4th) embryo fragmented away last night, so we can pretty much assume that our third embryo (which we implanted) also didn't make it.
I keep staring at the photo of the three embryos and counting the three-four cells in each embryo over and over. Everyone keeps telling me there is a small chance the other two might still make it, and I will feel a little better if they do, but I feel so hopeless right now and waiting until Oct 2 for a pregnancy test is so miserable. I feel like I am in a countdown to disappointment.
I'm tired of people telling me I need to have a positive attitude... What, the reason my embryos didn't divide fast and well was because I wasn't perky enough?!? Outcomes are outcomes whether I am happy, sad, mad or glad.
What also sucks is that the things that really help me through hard times - a good stiff drink, throwing myself into my work, a crazy work-out, retail therapy - are all still off the list until I get some confirmation of whether or not the remaining two embryos will make it.
I don't feel like working, I don't feel like going out. I just want to lay on the couch, eat cheezits and mope, except my husband came home and I wanting to watch (of all things!) Maury Povich!! Yikes! At least that got me off the couch!

[lynniecat]

So sorry...I have to say I know exactly how you feel Exactly! And oh how it sucks so bad! I personally never found a way to feel better about it. I actually found assuming it did not work and planning for the next step helped me the most!

I hope you are better at distracting yourself than me. And yeah I agree. I know you should have a positive attitude, but I think assuming the worst is actually less stressful for me!

Good luck!!

[JesJes]

Which clinic in Seattle do you go to? I am in the Seattle area too, I am on the eastside!

[mally]

Stay positive, and say a short prayer instead of worrying.


Mally

[to_have_fun08]

Fluffypuppygal - You still have a shot that your 3 embies will implant and grow. I have seen one gal post that her embies were really bad quality. The RE's wasn't even going to transfer them because he said they wouldn't make it. Well the lady decided since she was already at the RE's office that she would do the transfer anyway. Well she ended up PG. I know this is a once in a lifetime story but it does show that there is a chance. You are not out of the game until you have that Beta test on Oct 2nd. I won't say have a PMA because I know how hard it is to do that when the chips are down and the outlook doesn't look good. I hope this cycle is the one for you and wishing you the best of luck.

Chris

[Fluffypuppygal]

I go to SRM on Westlake. The clinic is actually pretty nice and has a good reputation. I have a new friend at work who is going to begin her first IVF in December with my Dr. and I have been giving her a lot of my literature and sage advice! (Don't worry, I've been keeping the advice positive and helpful!)
I think I am in a little better place today. I had just been counting on that last embryo being my sign of luck, and when that went sour, I was kind of lost without a rudder.
Today I got up, took my antibiotic, took my shot and am going to focus on projects. I'm not going to go to the mall and be surrounded by babies and pregnant women - I'm going to clean house, work on papers, and try to get some plans together. I don't want to do schoolwork, because I am taking Public Health this quarter, and the majority of cases revolve around - you guessed it! Pregnant teens and welfare mothers!
So activities are going to be productive, distracting and hopefully if I'm lucky, a little fun! Maybe I will look at trips to Italy!