This is my story...

[Chicory]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on in well over a year. I've dealt with a lot (like all of us girls have) and fell into a rather deep low.
In a nut shell I took clomid for almost a year (with the odd month break here and there) and then proceeded to do an IVF in July/07 (failed) and another in Nov./07 (also failed). By mid December I was sinking and sinking fast. I'm convinced that the hormones that I had been taking for so long had altered my chemical balance. I slipped into a new low but kept reminding myself that what I was feeling was not 100% reality.
Then in April/08 I was really not feeling well physically(hadn't been in over 2 months). I really started to lose a lot of weight. However, no dr. wud take my symptoms seriously. They just kept insisting that I was "depressed" b/c of my failed attempts. I secretly knew they were wrong but part of me was tired of fighting. I had already fought for over 2yrs....Then one night I awoke to extreme pains in my stomach. I went to a different hospital (other than where my family physician worked) and did not tell them about any fertility treatments. I wanted them to figure out what was wrong with me without being biased. When they found 9 golfball sized cysts on my ovaries I told them about my treatments. To my amazement they further investigated. I have stage 3 endometriosis. It has wraped around my lower intestine and has fused it to the back of my pelvic bone. This was where my nausea was coming from. Unfortunately, I cannot have laparoscopy to fix this. I will be going for major surgey next month.
I just wanted to share my experience. It's crazy. So many ups and downs. I'm in good hands now. My surgeon is a pearl and has assured me that he will spare my ovaries at all costs. He has also confirmed that he highly suspects that this is why I have never become pg. He told me that this is not something that sarted over night.
I'm almost to the point where I'm no longer angry. It feels good.
I sometimes catch myself thinking about having a child soon...but I stop myself. Partly to not get my hopes up and also b/c it just feels so darn good to think of other things.

This is my story...

[sprouthaus]

Hi Chicory - I just read your story and WOW! You have been through a lot. I'm glad to hear that you are getting good help now - and I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. It takes courage to keep going after all you've been through.

[Chicory]

Thank you for your kind words. I just felt like venting the day I wrote that. I must say that I felt better afterwards
My surgery is on November 24th. I look forward to feeling normal again. And hopefuly my husband and I can begin trying for a famiy again. I try not to be too hopeful though....

[Cocoa]

Chicory... I just want to encourage you to HAVE hope and plenty of it. When I was 32 - one year after my son was born - I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. I was devastated and believe me secondary infertility is just as devastating as primary inferitlity - all the same feelings of inadequacy, shame, pain etc. Yes, I had a son but eventually he was diagnosed with autism and my DH decided to stray. Eventually he had a child (a girl) with the "other woman" (and she was 40 when she conceived!) - imagine the depth of my pain and despair in not only finding out I was cheated on but also that the greatest yearning in my life he filled with some other person. Being a Christian I did not give up and God worked His hand in my marriage (though it is not perfect and my DH still has his issues) and with me regarding forgiveness. Still, the longing for another child and a "real" family haunted me. Three years ago - at the age of 43 - I bought a large SUV in faith in the promise that I would have my child but God went a step further and told me to buy this for "the twins". I bought the car the very same day God whispered those words - and my DH wasn't home with us yet! Circumstances looked IMPOSSIBLE! Meanwhile my son was also sad and suffering from his father's absence and the typical problems at school with no friends which is probably the worst pain a mother can feel for her child - when the child is ostracized and left out. I prayed and held this promise of my twins in my heart and never let it go. I KNEW that somehow God's promise would be fulfilled. Finally my DH agreed even though he didn't want more children (this was God working in him) but the IVF facility looked at our past and almost refused to let us go through the treatment saying we weren't "stable" enough - what!?! We got through the worst of times!!! After 6 months of counseling (and this was God too since my DH does not believe in counseling and said he did this for me) and the counselor reporting to the IVF coordinator we finally were able to start a cycle. I had to do DE because of my diagnosis but I had had years to reconcile this fact. Today I have 2 beautiful 7 month old twins! Boy and girl. We have decided not to tell anyone they are DE and because God's hands were the reason they are here no one could ever tell because they look just like both of us...

Hang on to hope... another lady has in her signature "where there is LIFE there is HOPE!" This is true. Ask and you shall receive the desires of your heart... I pray for you...

xxxCocoa

[Chicory]

Thank you Cocoa. Your story shows just how much one can forgive...and how this act can bring better days.

I jad a tough week. Had some anger issues again. I presume it's b/c I had my pre-op testing this week and had to give blood just in case I would need a blood transfusion...what!!?? I have to give more blood next wek so that there is ample suply. When I'm like this I often look to blame others. I was made at DH and at the dr's for not diagnosing me sooner...etc
I realize that it's okay to feel like this at times. I just make sure I get over it quickly enough and understand that no one is to blame.

I'm really touched by the couple of posts people have made. It warms my heart. I was just having a "venting" day. Who knew I would get support )

Pray for me. The surgery date is November 24th.

[Cocoa]

Chicory - I am not sure where you live but if you are American and celebrate Thanksgiving I am sure that this surgery will effect you in more ways than one - I KNOW it is a tough surgery and the mending is 8 weeks just like a cesarean section. I WILL keep you in my heart and in prayer. I DO want to hear from you when you can after the surgery though so respond in this thread and let us all know how you are.

Regarding anger - I think its so very normal to feel angry when we feel that circumstances are so out of our control. It is the fear that we feel inside when we think that our dreams will go unfulfllled so the anger comes as a reaction to that. It is unfortunate that we usually take it out on the people closest to us. I actually would get angry at my son for stupid things during the time his father was straying and even at the fact that my son had autism - of course my son was not to blame for any of it but I wanted desperately to have a "normal" family and with a straying DH and an "atypical" child my home was anything but "normal" - in my mind at the time anyway... I now know NO ONE has the perfect family and that God creates families in all kinds of ways. All I know regarding my children at this point is that they are here because God wanted them here. I felt no anxiousness during the whole IVF process - it was strange. And as far as my older son - if he did not have autism he probably wouldn't be the MOST AWESOME big brother that he is... A lady even commented to me and my son today when we were leaving a restaurant where we had breakfast how wonderful my son was with his baby siblings... people notice this ALL the time. WHAT A TRUE BLESSING! one which I totally do NOT feel I deserve but thank God is not like man and HE gives freely out of unconditional love.

You are a remarkable and strong woman - be blessed and get ready for your blessing... life gets crazy with kiddies around!

xxxCocoa

[angelaezra]

Hello Chicory,

I am so very sorry to hear about your long journey of infertility... I know there are times when you feel you just can't go on but please remember to be strong and know you will make it.

Please keep us posted on your progress because believe me with all of our ups and downs the ladies on this forum have experienced, we truely care about you and wish you the best!

Please take care,

Angela

[Cocoa]

Hi Chicory...

I just wanted you to know I am still praying for you and for your upcoming surgery on Tuesday... PLEASE let us all know how you are doing when you feel up to it after the surgery...Many blessings...

xxxCocoa