Coping Mechanisms

[dcu917]

Hi girls,

I never thought I'd make a post like this because I'm usually pretty strong, but here it goes.....I am doing a cycle at CCRM in January. Although I have hope, I know that there's no guarantee and I know that most cycles fail. My sister-in-law (husband's sister) and her husband are trying to conceive. She unfortunately had a miscarriage two months ago, early like 6 weeks or so (like my 2). It was her very first month of trying. She is 33. I was sad to hear it, but I also was thinking that it was her first time trying and she is young, she'll have no problem. She knows what my husband and I are going through. Now, here's the bad part....I'm normally a very nice, very friendly, wouldn't wish anything bad on anyone...but, I am having the hardest time thinking that she will be pregnant soon...I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it. When my husband and I got married (I was 35 - she was already married and only 30), I remember her saying that we were going to beat them to it...the first grandchild. Well, 3.5 years later, they are ready to start and we have nothing but two early miscarriages. I am brokenhearted. I am starting to get tears in my eyes just typing this. I really don't know what I am going to do. I can't help but think that maybe God is telling me that this isn't my path, that I should start the adoption process. I can't bear the thought that I will have to go to her baby shower. I love her...she is a beautiful person. It breaks my heart to even think like this...or that I will have to feel jealous for my whole life that these people could have children and we could not. I guess the reason for this email is to see what I can do to cope...what have you done to cope. I can feel my heart open to adoption, too, but in reality, I want biological children. I have been through some very difficult times in my life. I lost my Dad, who was like a best friend to me, about 3 years ago. He was in a pedestrian accident. I am still healing from that and never really will. Between that and this infertility, I'm hoping I don't go off the deep end. I know some days are better than others, but I just got off the phone with my sister in law as we were discussing Thanksgiving (they are all coming here) and after telling her our plans for CCRM, she told me that she's a day late for her period, but her HPT was negative. I know it's coming, I know I'm going to have to suck it up and put my feelings aside, but I just don't know how I will handle it. I'm strong, so I'm sure I will, but every bit of this eats away at the light hearted happy person that I am.

Please share your experiences and give me some tips for coping.

Thank you and bless you all,
Diane

[baylorbear33]

You are very courageous to write down your feelings... I'm sure that writing it down helped you somewhat. As far as your situation, no one can fault you for how you feel. I cannot begin to imagine having been through 4 cycles. We were fortunate enough to get pregnant with our first cycle, only to lose our twin girls at 19 weeks. This has forced us to look at other options as well. We have 3 frosties, so we will try FET as many times as possible; however, we have opened our hearts and minds to the possibility of adoption. I too have a brother and sister-in-law who are currently TTC. As much as I want them to be happy and successful, there was something special about us bringing the first grandchild into the family. I also find myself getting very jealous of other pregnant women. I always think to myself, it must be nice to be able to just get pregnant whenever you're ready. Or it makes me angry to see these very young girls who obviously got pregnant by mistake, yet they are able to carry a successful pregnancy. My only words of wisdom are this... Do not let anyone tell you how to feel, act, or react. You will work through this in your own way, and in your own time. I wish you the very best with your upcoming cycle and just know that there is a bigger plan in motion that will reveal itself at some point in your life. It is difficult to have faith in situations such as this, (I have days where I am still angry at God for what happened to us) but try to remember that he has a plan for you.

[Kas101]

Hey there,

Your post made me really sad because i think you are stating how we all feel at times. I can totally relate so i feel so much for you right now.
I dont have a magic wand to make it easier to cope or to take away pain and jealousy (though i wish i did, for ALL of us) i can only let you know that when you are on these boards you are amongst friends who truly understand. Even though we dont know each other we all have a bond and for me, when i get into a state over things, i come on here and it helps to share and see i am not alone in this....

I dont know why this happens to us and i hate myself for my jealousy of others but i know i am a stronger person for it, and when/if i finally get to be a mother i will be the most patient lovng one in the world. And so will you.

[Warren Dew]

I'm the older of two brothers and my wife is the older of two sisters. It was rough when both of the younger siblings had kids before we did. It was rougher for my wife than for me; that's just how things work I guess.

She and her sister understand each other really well, so her sister was really good about sparing her feelings as much as possible. I'm pretty close to my brother and he knew how we felt, so I think he got his wife to go easy on us. Your husband might be able to do the same with his sister.

You've had two chemical pregnancies, so you know you can get implantation. Is the drug regimen causing you any discomfort (headaches, etc.) in the days around the transfer? If so, you might talk to your doctor about whether the drug regimen might be adjusted to improve your chances - or maybe you just need to get the right embryo.

[beachbaby]

Diane, Huge hugs to you, I am so sorry how you are feeling. I can relate totally.All my family's kids are now teenagers so no worries. However there are 14 yrs between my DH and his brother so knew they would be starting a family soon! We were also panicking as we wanted to give his parents the first grandchild, and last year our bubble was burst even though we knew i was pregnant, they anounced it to the world not even trying and on birth control (so she says, i think she stopped as she wanted a family and my Bil wanted to wait a few years due to finances). I was gutted and so upset and praying i was further along, she beat me to being a mummy by 6 weeks. I got over the initial anger but it still galls me.She is only 25, he 27.

I hope you are successful soon, i wish you all the best.
Good luck

Jayne

[wishing4baby]

Diane, I so feel what you are going through. My little sister tried for 1 month and just got pregnant. While I am happy for her, I am so angry, jealous, sad that my husband and I have gone through so much and still don't have our baby.

Don't be so hard on yourself. This is hard stuff. We spend tens of thousands of dollars, we watch everything we eat and drink, we inject ourselves with all kinds of meds, we wait and wait, we have our moments of hope and the moments of total sadness when round after round doesn't work.

The power to just decide to have a baby and it happens is so amazing to me. People take it for granted. We all know this.

Don't beat yourself up. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. I keep trying to keep in mind that someday who did what first isn't going to matter. When I am holding my baby in my arms, it won't matter how many people had their babies before me. My baby will be worth all the pain and suffering we went through to get to that day of joy, and we will truly appreciate the miracle it is.

PM me anytime. I totally understand. Hang in there.

[Marynaz]

Dear Dian,
It is normal that you feel this way. I never wanted to have something that other people had. I felt happy with whatever I had. But as we started going through infertility treatment I became so sensetive and so jalous. I sometimes hate myself. A good friend of mine just got married and they are planning to have baby and I felt if they have baby and we still don't I feel sad. I think all these medication make us more emothional as I can cry with everything even a picture. Take care of yourself and I am sure God will bless all of us with very cute little ones

[not hopeless yet]

Diane-
You brought me to tears at work (where I do all my message board reading and writing)... but you're not alone! We have all felt exactly what you are feeling. You were saying exactly the thoughts I've had about "beating them to BFP," feeling jealous of friends, coworkers, and family members who get BFP, not knowing if this is our path, it not being fair, etc. We are allowed to have these feelings.
The best advice I can give it to take time for yourself, pamper yourself. Hang in there and use this site for support. I'm so sorry you lost your dad but I know he's your guardian angel now and either way this infertility rollercoaster goes he's going to be watching out for you!

[dcu917]

I just wanted to thank all of you for your replies. I'm still feeling that way, but am trying to focus on what I have to do for my up coming cycle, trying to make it the best possible.

Bachelorbear - I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It helped me a lot. I wish you all the best with your upcoming FETs.

Warren, what did you mean about "Is the drug regimen causing you any discomfort (headaches, etc.) in the days around the transfer? If so, you might talk to your doctor about whether the drug regimen might be adjusted to improve your chances" Did this happen to your wife, and did the change improve your results?

Hi Jayne...still hanging in there! Hope you and the boys are doing well!!!

Not Hopeless Yet...that is so true about my Dad watching over me. My accupuncturist gives the choice of music or meditation while we lay there all pricked up and I chose meditation last week (not much of a meditation type)...well, it was amazing....the lady talked of imagining loved ones an ancestors around you giving you their love an support.....I always think of him, but just the part of imagining him and my grandparents and other friend we've lost all standing around me with their hands in mine or on my shoulder, did really make my heart smile even though it brought tears, too.

wishing4baby - how'd you guess i beat myself up? Always have...one of those perfectionist types who always thinks if you work hard enough you can do anything...well, not exactly!!! I hope God has it in our plans!!!

Kas - the board does help immensely...exactly why I posted here. People just don't know what to say. We will work through this and someday will look back and know this was a difficult time, but that we are OK now.

Marynaz - I know, I was never the jealous type either....this can make you that way. I was always just so happy to be me. I guess we just have to accept it for now, accpet the fact that we are going to have jealous reactions, and look to the future where we will be content.

Thanks again everyone. Looking forward to those sunny days! Much baby dust to all of you TTC !!! To those that were able to complete their families, thank you so much for still thinking of us TTC and offering your support!

[beachbaby]

Hi Diane, nice to hear from you, we are all doing fine now, I was very ill after having the boys spent 4 days in intesive care then a further week in the hospital.
Glad your still trying you sound well, keep up the PMA I am rooting for you, hope you get your dream.

Jayne

[Warren Dew]

Warren, what did you mean about "Is the drug regimen causing you any discomfort (headaches, etc.) in the days around the transfer? If so, you might talk to your doctor about whether the drug regimen might be adjusted to improve your chances" Did this happen to your wife, and did the change improve your results?

My wife is prone to pretty serious stress headaches - the painful asymmetric kind commonly called migraines (though the neurologist says actual migraines are something different). Normally she gets one of her bad headaches every few weeks, and they last 6-12 hours.

The lupron in the regimen we used for our first three, unsuccessful, IVF cycles gave her debilitating 24 hour a day headaches for the three weeks of lupron treatment. And here I have to correct myself after checking with her; it wasn't around the transfer, but while the follicles were developing. By the second or third cycle, the doctor and we strongly suspected an egg quality problem, and I figured it was probably at least in part because her body wasn't working right during that period, given the full time headaches. We'd previously had a similar experience with Clomid, which didn't work for us either.

In our fourth cycle, we dropped the Lupron for another antagonist whose name I don't remember, which was only used in the last few days before ovulation. (We also switched from follistim to menopur). That cycle she had no headaches, and it resulted in a pregnancy and healthy baby.

Different drug combinations seem to work for different people, which is why I'd consider switching if one has problems for a few cycles.