Infidelity after infertility

[kellyh]

I'm in need of advice. After 4 years of struggling to have a baby, we finally welcomed our little boy last Oct. These first 13 months have been difficult, between recovering from a brutal delivery, getting used to having no sleep and a fussy baby and trying to find time to be a mother, wife and full time employee. I just found out that while my husband was at a conference last weekend he cheated on me. What am I to do? We are bonded now forever by this child that we worked so hard to get and never thought we would. I'm torn between making it work for his sake and just calling it a day. I can't express how saddened I am by all this.

[shantala]

hi kelly

firstly, let me tell you how sorry i am you have been put in this position.

it is so hard to juggle everything and then to be stabbed in the back like that is hard to take. if it was just you two, you'd leave i take it? but as there are now three of you i completely understand that its hard to make a decision. i think only you can make that decision but my advice would be that it depends on how much your relationship with your dh will be affected. if you are willing to forgive then i think you should stay together. if you aren't willing to forgive then it depends on how much of an atmosphere there'll be in the house on a daily basis. although its best for a child to have its parents together, thats not always necessarily the case if there constant negative vibes flying about, which, as you know, kids pick up very quickly. in such a case your little boy would be happier seeing his parents separately but happy than together and unhappy. also bear in mind that he's very young still. my parents split when i was 1 so i grew up knowing no different to just having one parent.

anyway, its a hard decision and all the best. let us know how you get on. we're all here supporting you through this tough time!

xx

[kerpupples]

Hi Kelly,

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with yet another of the most difficult issues that can face a marriage.

My advice to you is that just about anyone is human and can make a mistake like this. People are excellent at cheating as a way to escape from marital issues they don't want to deal with. I think staying is dependent on how sorry your husband PROVES (not just says) himself to be and what steps he takes to ensure that this won't happen again. It may take some time for him to come around too, so if you are considering staying please be prepared for him to be spewing a bunch of BS at first.

Also, it's crucial that you find a good marriage counselor to help you through this. If your husband wants to heal the marriage he will agree. Find personal recommendations from friends, and don't be afraid to switch counselors if you find one that is not helping you.

Finally, if you do stay and your husband does prove himself repentant, be prepared to deal with any marital issues that he used to give himself permission to cheat in the first place.

We're here for you honey!

-Amy

[esperanza]

I'm so sorry honey. I really am. It is hard to be betrayed like this by your partner.

I'm not an expert, but I did suspect of dh cheating on me once before and I read A LOT on the issue (my own coping mechanism). Most decent articles out there said not to make quick decisions. The best thing you can do at this point is wait, try to get some counseling, and reflect on it before you make such a huge decision. There are studies out there that say that most people that rushed to divorce right after an infidelity episode regret it later on.

In any case, I'm sending you a big hug to you my dear. I wish you healing, love, and happiness in whatever you decide.

[not hopeless yet]

Kelly I am so sorry you have to deal with this... but #1 priority right now is you and the baby. My advice is to ask for help so you don't get overwhelmed juggling work, baby, and now infidelity. And I agree with the other posters if DH is willing to work on the marriage I think you definitely need to seek therapy- individually and couples. Good luck!

[kellyh]

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and advice. Things are pretty tense around here and the holidays certainly don't help. My DH says he is committed to making things right. He has an appt. with a therapist this Friday to get help and figure out why he would do this to begin with. I think he lacks self esteem and impulse control, so I'm hoping this person can help him with both. And he has made a vow to not drink anymore (not that I accept drinking as an excuse, but it probably didn't help!). I feel like we need to try to work on things for the sake of our son. I guess I figure that a marriage therapist (apart from his own personal therapist) can help us either mend things or break up in a way where we can be friendly and communicative for our son's sake. I don't have to tools to do either, and neither does he, so we're hoping to find someone who does. Thank you again for all your support. I'll let you know how it goes.

[kerpupples]

Kelly - you are both going down the right path! The healing process takes time no matter what the outcome, so patience is your best friend right now (easier said than done). Did DH confess to you or did you find out on your own? If he confessed that is a huge, early step in the right direction. Hang in there sweetie!

You also seem to be going into therapy with the right attitude. So many people want the therapist to fix the relationship. All they can do is give you the tools - the rest is up to you and your spouse. Best of luck!

[not hopeless yet]

yes Kelly-
Healing will take a lot of time but you just have to go day by day... and allow yourself to go thru all the different emotions that come your way. I hope therapy helps and I'm glad DH says he wants to make ammends.

[PMApsy]

Hi Kelly,

I read your last comment and I wanted to say two things. First of all, I feel for you and I'm truly sorry that a bomb like that was dropped in a period like this. Not that there's a good moment for these things to happen, but still... *hugs* I really hope your friends and relatives are there for you and comfort you.

I am a psychologist and I do couples therapy. I wanted to tell you that you're absolutely right. Couples therapists are not there to save relationships at all costs, as some people tend to believe. We're there to help the couple figure out what its issues are, how they were created, how each partner contributes to them, what tools they could use and to guide them during session so they can express important points in a neutral, non threatening environment. You are absolutely right: tools and guidance can be given to have a clean and civilized breakup or to mend and heal a relationship. Whatever option seems best for you then, I sure hope you'll find a competent therapist that can take you there.

All the best,

Sophie

[alreadyblessed]

Hi Kelly,

First of all, I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I too found out that my husband had cheated on me way back in 1998. We were going through the "infertility" thing as well at the time. It wasn't until AFTER I had my DD that I found out what had happened. I initially threw him out for 2 weeks so I could "think". He was willing to do anything to make the marriage work. Having a baby and a mortgage, I decided to try to make things work. I will tell you that A LOT will depend on the type of person that YOU are. My husband spent the next 2 years doing everything and anything he could to make ammends. I spent those years torturing him. I kept tabs on everywhere he went, would go through his wallet, cell phone records, and eventually went to confront the "other woman". I was not able to let it go. I could not eat or sleep, and lost over 40 lbs. Everytime he went for a container of milk, I was convinced he was up to something. I eventually ran into an old boyfriend from 10 yrs prior, and "paid him back". I wanted him to feel the pain I had felt for so long. This was all during counseling. Eventually a wonderful friend who had been through something similar simply told me "you need to let it go, or let him go, but you can't live life like this". I made the decision to do my best to let it go and move forward with my marriage, and continue counseling. It has been over 10 years, and we have another beautiful DD and are awaiting the arrival of a DS. Our marriage is strong, and we have a lot of love in our family. I will tell you straight out though, that things will never be 100% for us again. There are still times when my suspicions get the best of me and I will find myself checking the phone records. It is a long hard road. For me the pluses outweighed the minuses, and I learned to forgive. Forgetting however is very very very difficult. I pray that whatever you decide, that your journey brings you to a better place. God Bless!