Is anyone else's marriage rocky because of infertility?

[desperate]

Ever since we found out we have unexplained infertility our marriage has been hit hard: arguments, etc. Is anyone else going through marital struggles because of infertility?

[gina1234]

i just wanted to welcome u to the board & say that i know how u are feeling....my hubby & i have alot of issue, because of the whole baby thing....his brother has 3 kids no problems, but he has a ring chromsone problem which cause low counts & movement....just all i can say is try to stay strong for eachother & if u can get through this u can get through anything...another thing u must remember is why u feel in love with eachother.... there has to be some reason....so basically this is what i think u should do i think u should go on this website together & get a better understanding about the ivf world & that there alot of people out there just like the two of u...we all have are up & down days as u will see if u go to other message boards...just try to stay strong for one other & be understand towards eachother & love one other...good luck with everything big hugs to the both of u & i am sending u alot of baby dust

gina

[Chicory]

Hi Desperate,

You're not alone. My marriage has really taken a hit. I have even had moment where I thought leaving would be easier...but that's not the solution b/c I'm still in love with my husbund. We've just been dealt a crappy deal...for now.
Hang in there. We have even sought therapy (seperately). We thought it was important to do this. He can complain to his therapist and so can It...feels good...we come home and we're good to go for a while. It really did help b/c we deal with this in very different ways.

I hope this comforts you.

[desperate]

Yes, this all does comfort me. We're trying to deal with this right now. We love each other dearly and are trying to hang in there. A friend of mine recently told me that when he and his wife got married the pastor told them, "family is nice, but the core of your relationship is the two of you." Makes sense to me. How many married couples have had children, only to later get divorced? Good point. Thanks for the kind words.

[Fluffypuppygal]

The biggest fights my DH and I had were over trying to have a family. I wanted him to want it as much as me. He already had a daughter from a previous marraige a long time ago, so he didn't feel the same pressures, fears, and alienations that I was going through and didn't seem to understand how much I was wanting this experience and couldn't view my life as "fulfilled" without having a family of our own at some point.
I know people who don't understand tell us "reproductively challenged" to just go volunteer at a school or baby sit, but there is a big difference between someone else's child and your own child.

[antskat421]

I can completly relate.I'm so ready to leave my husband because after 17 years he has given up so I think about going to a sperm bank and know he won't except someone elses child.Then I think about being on my own with a baby.So many thoughts, but if your still in Love and you both want the same thing stick with it,it won't be easy but you'll love the way he'll look at your new baby (when the time comes) If its about cost I found a website called makemeamom.net.Hope everything works out!

[desperate]

I feel right now my life won't be complete unless I become a father. I'm 42 and still nada. Embarrassing. Having my own child is way different than someone else's. Life is SO unfair sometimes. We got dealt a lousy, crummy deal.

The biggest fights my DH and I had were over trying to have a family. I wanted him to want it as much as me. He already had a daughter from a previous marraige a long time ago, so he didn't feel the same pressures, fears, and alienations that I was going through and didn't seem to understand how much I was wanting this experience and couldn't view my life as "fulfilled" without having a family of our own at some point.
I know people who don't understand tell us "reproductively challenged" to just go volunteer at a school or baby sit, but there is a big difference between someone else's child and your own child.

[not hopeless yet]

Hi All-
Yes its heartbreaking how this journey affects ourselves and our marriages. I too have considered leaving at times and going to a sperm bank because I want more than anything to have a child. I have also sought individual therapy which has helped. As Chicory said we certainly have been dealt a crappy hand... would any of you consider adoption? I'm trying to stay positive but if this IVF cycle fails I think I will pursue parenthood through another route. I wish the best to all of us!

[Warren Dew]

I feel right now my life won't be complete unless I become a father. I'm 42 and still nada. Embarrassing. Having my own child is way different than someone else's. Life is SO unfair sometimes. We got dealt a lousy, crummy deal.

For my wife and myself, I think the trick was to decide, early on, that we only wanted to have children with each other. Once we put ourselves into the same boat, so to speak, we could start working together to figure out how to maximize our chances of getting what we wanted - and that drew us closer together, not further apart.

Life is very unfair sometimes. One just has to do the best one can with the cards one is dealt.

[41andscaredsilly]

This is tough on a marriage. Or at least it has been for me. There's the rollercoaster of hormones, the blame , the I'm not worthy, we're not worthy, HE's not worthy part, and the OMG will it ever happen for us that we, too get the fairy tale: all that equals OMG lots of stress

Over the last few days, I've thought back on my life: there were great times, fun times, sad times, joy, laughter, love, loss and I'll have all of those again, in some form or fashion. SO TOO WILL YOU.

Babies, having them or not, do not define your life. Only YOU do.

Stay positive, that's all you can do

[bdantonio]

Fertility will either make or break your marriage that is what i have found out after 6years. There were times i told my dh to leave me and find a women who could give him children cause he would make a great father and i could not do it. We went through fertility counciling prior to doing it. I was 20 went we got married and we started frtility right after. The therapist told my husband to be prepaed for the worst mood swings of his life, that i would be on my period, pregnate and menapause all at the same time, at least thats how i would feel and then through in any losses or failures to make it worse. 6years later we are good and going strong and finally have 2 children but it was rough and hard.

[birdie]

41andscaredsilly, I like what you said:
"Babies, having them or not, do not define your life. Only YOU do. " and
desperate said:
"family is nice, but the core of your relationship is the two of you." Makes sense to me. How many married couples have had children, only to later get divorced?"

Very good things to keep in mind. It's good to keep perspective of the overall big picture. Children indeed aren't everything and my husband constantly reminds me that it is worse to have children and not be able to care for them than to not have them at all. We have only been together 3 years and we've been struggling with infertility for 1. He has been so supportive throughout all of this, the voice of reason and stability when I'm a complete basket case. I think we're handling this pretty well considering. We haven't had any real fights and there's been no blaming, but I on the other hand have been really hard on myself. Because of this I feel that I haven't been the best wife I could be to him and that makes me feel bad. He's been so supportive and has not put any pressure on me at all but I still get overwhelmed and cry a lot and am oh so negative. They say that this is one of the hardest things a couple will go through and if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. I just hope this roller coaster ends soon because I want my life back! I want OUR life back!