how do you get over the feeling...

[kbat]

of disappointment? I did 6 and I am trying to tell myself that I did all that I could do in the endeavor... sometimes, it bothers me and other times not so much.... Adoption, donor eggs, etc are NOT an option. The only option for us to have children is to have the biologically. It's been about 10 months since I had my last IVF cycle, so unless I get some sort of miracle, I am not having kids. But I can't get over the disappointment and the need to have kids.

I've been volunteering at a children's hospital, and I like it, but it doesn't help me not want kids anymore....

thanks

[Sisi1]

Hi kbat,

I think a lot of us read your post and are hesitant replay to such a sensitive matter. What can one really say that can offer any help?
I feel for you and may very well be in the same situation soon....

I am also 41 and going for my first/last IVF. We were sent to mandatory counseling and I must admit I liked it a LOT more then I thought I would.
The counselor had herself been through years on fertility treatments and was never able to conceive. She started the work of having us face the fact that our chances are not great! I think I may go back to see her if I am not successful. So I guess what I am suggesting is try counseling with someone who REALLY understands.

If you don't mind me asking is there a known diagnoses? There are constant progress in the world, with enough research perhaps you could get into a clinical trial somewhere that is suited to your situation?

I am pretty sure no amount of working with kids will help. Sometimes this is a chance to change your carer and develop new priorities. I sometimes think about fostering for Children's Aids Society in my own house as a second option. Like you I don't think adoption or donor anything would be for me.

I would love to hear more about your story if you feel like sharing.

Best of luck with moving on....or not

[AmandaM]

kabt

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this to get pregnant. I agree with sisi1 that it is difficult to know exactly what to say.

my DH and I were in the same position you were, that donor eggs and adoption were not options and we were coming down to the end of what we could afford to pay.

We talked about it and said that if we weren't lucky enough to have a baby, that we would be thankful for each other and live our lives. We did get lucky and I hope that you do too.

Amanda

[to_have_fun08]

kbat - i was lurking the boards on your last cycle in March. I was praying so much that you would get your BFP. When you didn't, is when I really realized that life is not fair and just by doing IVF does not gurantee you a baby. You were so couragous to do IVF 6 times. I really don't have any advice for you. I have told myself that if I don't get a BFP after 4 full cycles then I am done. I will just live my life with DH and be happy. This sounds good right now but in my heart and soul I am so hoping for a BFP. I don't know what I will do if I don't. I hope one of these days you will get your wish. You so deserve to be a mom.

Chris

[kbat]

thanks for all your replies... The cause of our difficulities are that I have endo and as a result my left tube was removed. Also at the point in time, I would have to say that age is working against me..... I tried doing acupuncture and herbs until around July. Although I stopped the acupuncture in July at the recommendation of the acup. I was told that I should continue to take the herbs. I honestly can say that I pretty much stopped those as well. I got to the point that I felt like I tried everything I could and nothing was working....

Like I said, some days things are peachy keen and I don't really dwell on it. I love my dh and he was always going to be ok w/ whatever the end result was. But it's especially around the holidays that I really wished things had worked out differently.

I do feel very lucky to have 6 IVF treatments that pretty much didn't cost me anything.... I haven't been on the board much except when I feel the need occassionally....

Your life does go on and there are many worse things in life than this, but sometime I guess I just feel sorry for myself....

Thanks again for everything!!!

Merry Christmas!
Love, Kara

[lynniecat]

I do not think there is a way to get over it short term. Not one I know of and being around kids makes it worse for me. Since the only option is your own eggs, i would find the best clinic in the country, take a loan, get money from relatives, find a way to get insurance, etc etc and give it another shot.

Its amazing how success varies by clinic. Were all the IVFs at the same place?

[Sisi1]

.......ahhhh, I was just going to suggest the same thing!.... to save you the research, you should check out CCMR in Colorado, apparently the best in the world for our age.

Just follow your feeling on this one.

In case you do you must keep us posted.

[kbat]

Traveling is not an option. We have to stay local (NY would be the furthest away and that would be difficult).... My husband's jobs makes a cycle done even locally quite difficult w/ scheduling. He won't be able to pick up and leave for a day or so. I've looked into CCRM and other clinics like Cornell and UCONN, but CCRM is definately out of the question due to distance. I've been to 2 different clinics and haven't had the greatest experience.

We won't try again anyway b/c of trying to find a decent clinic close by, the odds get even lower at age 42, costs, etc. , but just trying to move on w/ my life but still finding I want kids..... My dh won't want to pay for it unless insurance covers it, and anyway, loans, etc are out of reach. We are scraping by right now. I need new car that we can't afford because just like everyone right now, things are super tight..... I want to go back to work b/c we have the highest unemployment in the U.S.A.

[CT_Michele]

I just want you to do know that my clinic was wonderful and close by, since you said ny is the furthest. i don;t know how their success rates are, but ivf w/icsi worked for us first time (male factor, age on my side). Even though our chances may have been better up front, I do feel as hough the dr, staff and atmosphere of the clinic helped. they were so helpful and soothing, especially to a couple like us who had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. They also took care of everything that had to do with the insurance, even filed appeals for items not covered, they were able to get the insurance to pay for everything except $500 for the unfreezing of sperm. The clinic is park ave fertility in trumbull ct. they have a website, www.parkavefertility.com. It breaks my heart to read stories on this board, I wish that this process would work for everyone. It is so unfair to live in a world where children are born to parents who don;t want them and then there are parents who try desperately and never have it happen. I wish you all the best and a happy holiday.

[to_have_fun08]

kbat - I don't know if you are interested or would qualify but there is a clinical trial going on at the Hope clinic in new your. They are studying the results of mini IVF with regular IVF. Here is the link if you want to check it out. All they can do is say no and that you are not qualified.

http://www.ivfclinicaltrial.com/

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope you get your miracle child..


Chris

[lynniecat]

I have been to CCRM and they are the best out there but they will not take some patients...I am not allowed to cycle without a clomid challenge test. I decided to cycle one more time at my old clinic first so as not to waste a cycle on a test.

However, I think if you can get it, it might be your answer.

[kbat]

Thanks CT_Michele. I never heard of that clinic. Perhaps one of these days, I will look into it......

Happy Holidays.

[lynniecat]

One more thing I will add. DH was living across the country for ALL my cycles. He is not actually needed after he gives a sample which can be frozen and used for many cycles (well at least four so far for us).

Good luck TTC on your own and hopefully something will change and allow you the resources for another round!

[dagnymichelle]

I am sorry that you have not had the experience of having children. I believe that we are put here on Earth to live our lives. As long as you have given it your best shot, then I don’t think you or anyone else can find fault with you or with your not having children.

Some people have kids, some don’t. Some people make great money and have great jobs and some people are barely getting by and have crappy jobs. Some people are healthy and others are not. The only, and I mean the only thing that we have control over is our attitude and our own happiness.

You can choose to have a hole in your heart forever and needlessly torture yourself, or you can raise your head and move on. I don’t want this to sound callous, but it’s your choice. I am sure that you like everyone else have many things to be thankful for. Focus on what you do have or can get and do it.

Children don’t bring you happiness; people chose to find the joy and happiness in children. The world is full of other things to find joy in. Do the things that you have always wanted to do that would be hard if you had children. Take that money that you would spend on college tuition and enjoy it; travel the world, go on a trip, pick up a hobby that seems extravagant.

You may find that by giving up, you do get a miracle, there are many stories around about people trying forever and when they give up, it happens. If it doesn’t though, please don’t let it tear you up, you deserve to be happy. Chose to always be happy and don’t look back;-)

[skyway33]

I was really sad to read your post. I remember feeling that way. It's a very empty, lost feeling. I don't believe it's something that you can just wash away, think good thoughts and move away from though. It's right at the core of who we are as women. I prayed alot, and went into therapy...because I didn't want my entire existence to be miserable. I was horrified at the thought of that. Your in my prayers, wherever you are.