Ok, I have been on these boards for a while and made many friends and know that you are all the only ones that can help me with a very personal situation.
We are male factor infertility. DH has low count, poor motility, had to go through TESE. Even though we have been through that, we never really found out what the underlying cause of the infertility is.
They have done a bunch of bloodwork, and he has high FSH levels and low testosterone, so his brain knows that his body is not producing enough sperm or testosterone.
We have an awesome relationship, we are very good friends, almost never fight. He seems like the perfect guy in every way. I have never had a boyfriend who cared so much about me and wasn';t a "gross, typical" man. What I mean by that is I have no fear of him looking at other girls, cheating, gawking at cheerleaders on TV, secretly watching porn, paying attention to the attractive waitress rather than me at a restaurant, he's just not interested.
So here comes the problem. Our sex life is almost non existent. Guys usually want it at least a couple times a week, but he doesn't have the drive, probably because his low testosterone levels cause a low drive and libido. We go through this same cycle all the time. I wait for any signal that he may be interested in me in a sexual way, it never happens, I get all upset and say something like, "why don;t you want to have sex with me?" He says he is not good at initiating and he does want to. I tell him I need to feel like I am wanted, I cry, and then I wait some more. If I didn;t say anything, I don;t know if we would ever have sex.
Many women would think I was crazy for complaining, since most people have problems when the women have low drive, but it is emotionally draining on me. I know he loves me, I understand his low hormones, but I still need to feel wanted and loved. I feel very insecure about myself when I think he doesn;t view me in that way. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he "pleases himself." He said no and I believe him, which just proves it is not me, it is clearly a low drive, but I still can;t help but to be emotional about it all.
So I am posting to see if anyone has experienced a similar situation, and to vent I guess. This is one thing I truly have no one to talk to. I can explain and be open about ivf with my family, but I am embarrassed to talk about sex issues. I try to tell dh how I feel, but it never changes anything and I don;t ever feel better afterwards.
Has anyone tried or had experience with testosterone replacement therapy? What was your experience? Did it work? Where there any bad effects from the therapy? Any help or advice would be much appreciated.
Male Factor- Very personal post...
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CT_Michele
- Valued Contributor
- Posts: 1744
- Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:57 am
- Location: Connecticut
Male Factor- Very personal post...
Me- 28 DH- 33 Male Factor
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
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kerpupples
- Regular
- Posts: 752
- Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:08 pm
- Location: Denver, CO
We're male factor too, and my husband sounds very similar to yours in not being a "gross typical" guy. I really enjoy that aspect of our relationship. Unfortunately we also have the same problems in the bedroom that you do. DH has anxiety too which only adds to the problem.
The difference is that I don't think that DH has low testosterone. I think it's on the low side of normal. There are a few different things in his past which could have caused his low counts and poor morphology (motility does seem to be normal). But it's very interesting that he is so similar to your DH otherwise.
We had some marital issues in the past for which we saw a counselor, and we talked about the behavioral things we could do to address this issue as well, so that might be an option for you. I know my DH has also considered taking Viagra. We're both pretty nervous sexually right now since I have placenta previa, but it's something we've both talked about addressing after the baby is here.
Sigh - I'm not sure I gave you any decent advice, but hopefully it helps to hear that you're not the only one dealing with this sort of problem. I know it helps me. I wish there was an easy answer!
The difference is that I don't think that DH has low testosterone. I think it's on the low side of normal. There are a few different things in his past which could have caused his low counts and poor morphology (motility does seem to be normal). But it's very interesting that he is so similar to your DH otherwise.
We had some marital issues in the past for which we saw a counselor, and we talked about the behavioral things we could do to address this issue as well, so that might be an option for you. I know my DH has also considered taking Viagra. We're both pretty nervous sexually right now since I have placenta previa, but it's something we've both talked about addressing after the baby is here.
Sigh - I'm not sure I gave you any decent advice, but hopefully it helps to hear that you're not the only one dealing with this sort of problem. I know it helps me. I wish there was an easy answer!
Amy
Me: 39 DH: 41 Male Factor
3yo DD from FET
IVF PGD clinical trial, FET Jan 2012 Beta 1/14 447, Beta 1/16 1161 U/S 1/30 it's twins!
Graham and Audrey born 9/5/12. 37w4d, no NICU time!
Me: 39 DH: 41 Male Factor
3yo DD from FET
IVF PGD clinical trial, FET Jan 2012 Beta 1/14 447, Beta 1/16 1161 U/S 1/30 it's twins!
Graham and Audrey born 9/5/12. 37w4d, no NICU time!
..
ok i have the opposite i was always the one with the high drive due to hormone issues... I never had a period and when i did it just came when ever and it drove me crazy.. I was very emotional.. not crying angry type i had high testosterone for a female and not enough estrogen.. Well i finnaly agreed with dr to go on the pill to regulate all of the above, but now i have no sex drive do not want it at all.... dont care at all... i do it just to make him happy.
CT - First of all congrats on your little girl.
Regarding your issues with your DH, I am aware that here in England, the NHS does give injections/ patches for testesterone - mainly to men, but sometime women. I don't think they are worried too much about the sex drive as much as the other problems associated with low hormone levels in the long run. I got a false reading in one month and thats when my GP talked about the boost to hormone levels through patches. It turned out that it was a spike in one month and I didn't need it after all, but I remember investingating it and found that they do give injections to men with low testestrone levels. Its almost like taking vitamin supplements. I'm sorry that I don't know more, but thought I'd let you know that something can be done about it.
Regarding your issues with your DH, I am aware that here in England, the NHS does give injections/ patches for testesterone - mainly to men, but sometime women. I don't think they are worried too much about the sex drive as much as the other problems associated with low hormone levels in the long run. I got a false reading in one month and thats when my GP talked about the boost to hormone levels through patches. It turned out that it was a spike in one month and I didn't need it after all, but I remember investingating it and found that they do give injections to men with low testestrone levels. Its almost like taking vitamin supplements. I'm sorry that I don't know more, but thought I'd let you know that something can be done about it.
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BIGREDIOWAN
- Member
- Posts: 76
- Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:31 am
- Location: Des Moines, IA
CT, Sorry about your issues with your boyfriend right now and he sounds like a great guy. I can say from a guys perspective that while this is stressful for you ladies, more so than us, during this entire process. It becomes a job in a way to us guys and I don't mean that in a disrespectful way and I'm sure it felt that way for some of you ladies. My wife and I have unexplained infertility and my numbers are above normal so it's confusing. Before we started this process our sex life was great and I had no problems initiating anything. Now, this process has made sex feel like a job to me and I don't care to have it as much as I once did. Part of it may be that I'm 28 and as I'm getting older I just don't need it that much. My wife gets frustrated with me because she has to initiate most of the things, but I'm trying to get better. There is no easy answer for you with this situation and hopefully there is some treatments than can give him to correct this issue.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it's a matter of choice.
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CT_Michele
- Valued Contributor
- Posts: 1744
- Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:57 am
- Location: Connecticut
thank you for all of the responses. It is good to know i am not the only one.
I know that the low drive is not an affect of ivf, or feeling like sex is a "job," we never even tried to conceive naturally, so sex has always just been for pleasure. Drive was low way before we even thought about kids.
We talked to the urologist and he says we can take care of the low drive, but not until we are done having kids. Testosterone can affect sperm, and he can not afford to be affected anymore than he already is...so i guess we wait it out for now. Thanks again.
I know that the low drive is not an affect of ivf, or feeling like sex is a "job," we never even tried to conceive naturally, so sex has always just been for pleasure. Drive was low way before we even thought about kids.
We talked to the urologist and he says we can take care of the low drive, but not until we are done having kids. Testosterone can affect sperm, and he can not afford to be affected anymore than he already is...so i guess we wait it out for now. Thanks again.
Me- 28 DH- 33 Male Factor
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
1st IVF- 12/07- BFP! Ella Michele was born 8/26/8
2nd IVF- 04/09 - BFN
1st FET- 09/09 - Chemical
3rd IVF - 04/11 - Embies didn't make it to ET
4th IVF - Fall 2011??
I am not sure my comments will be helpful but I wanted to accknowlege the emotional toll it takes when you are in a relationship and you do not feel desired, it can play havoc with with your self esteem and lead to all kinds of undesirable behaviour.
I would definetly put the matter on hold until you have done the child buisness, then it is great to deal with the desire part.
Mind you most likely you will not feel much like sex during pregnancy and brest feeding so consider your timing
.
Viagra can not help with desire, it is only helpul with "plumming problems", such as poor blood flow, less then decent inflation, problomatic arteries and such.
Watch out very carefully that the pressure to have sex does not take over, that can be very detrimental to your relationship and your sex life.
Good luck with everything and hope you can hang in there until the time is right
I would definetly put the matter on hold until you have done the child buisness, then it is great to deal with the desire part.
Mind you most likely you will not feel much like sex during pregnancy and brest feeding so consider your timing
.Viagra can not help with desire, it is only helpul with "plumming problems", such as poor blood flow, less then decent inflation, problomatic arteries and such.
Watch out very carefully that the pressure to have sex does not take over, that can be very detrimental to your relationship and your sex life.
Good luck with everything and hope you can hang in there until the time is right
41, unexplained (plain old) fsh 4.7
DH 55 lots of good swimmers
3xclomid BFN
3xIUI BFN
First and last IVF:
A) canceled due to low response on day 3
B) Negative beta April 06/09
DH 55 lots of good swimmers
3xclomid BFN
3xIUI BFN
First and last IVF:
A) canceled due to low response on day 3
B) Negative beta April 06/09
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momtobetobe
- Member
- Posts: 32
- Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:39 pm
Clomid for males
Hi there--
I am new to this site, having joined for support and information too.
My husband also suffers from infertility, and low testosterone and we have the same issues with sex/intimacy. BUT what I wanted to tell you is that he saw a urologist who suggested Clomid for males to increase testosterone without affecting sperm count (like taking testosterone does). It's worked, as his testosterone went from 200 to over 600. He also had varicocele repair surgery. With these 2 interventions, His motility and counts have improved to the point where we needed ICSI (and had only 1 of 40 embryos result in a live birth) to where we can do insemination (or wait for mother nature). He has some post-op pain, but that's another issue....
We used to live in a state where IVF was covered by insurance so they don't always suggest male treatment, just to move onto IVF. But now we don't have coverage so the docs here try interventions first. We're glad we did. I hope this helps and good luck to you!
I am new to this site, having joined for support and information too.
My husband also suffers from infertility, and low testosterone and we have the same issues with sex/intimacy. BUT what I wanted to tell you is that he saw a urologist who suggested Clomid for males to increase testosterone without affecting sperm count (like taking testosterone does). It's worked, as his testosterone went from 200 to over 600. He also had varicocele repair surgery. With these 2 interventions, His motility and counts have improved to the point where we needed ICSI (and had only 1 of 40 embryos result in a live birth) to where we can do insemination (or wait for mother nature). He has some post-op pain, but that's another issue....
We used to live in a state where IVF was covered by insurance so they don't always suggest male treatment, just to move onto IVF. But now we don't have coverage so the docs here try interventions first. We're glad we did. I hope this helps and good luck to you!