For the men, do you feel angry your wife isn't pregnant?

[desperate]

Hello,

I know that ever since my wife and I have failed--yes failed--to have children my view on pregnancy has become very skewed. I hate seeing anyone pregnant now. I feel like such a idiot (I have a stronger word I'd like to use, believe me) for not being able to get my wife pregnant. It's her with the problem and she has given up completely and claims to have accepted her fate. I don't accept this and am struggling. I'm having mixed emotions about what to do now. Honestly, I don't feel sexually close to her much anymore either. It just sux that because one side has a problem then both sides are brought down. Our pastor suggested marriage counseling but I'm not for it. We'll still come out of it childless. So, what is one to do? Any thoughts?

[bdantonio]

dont know if im the best for this but i will give it a go. I did fertility for 6 years becoming pg 7x and losing 5... i have 2 wonderful children, however infertility destroyed my marriage in the process.. maybe u should work on the marriage then try again

[siouxsie]

Your post made me sad.

In our case, we both contribute to part of the problem. I think individually and as a couple we both go through a lot of emotions – from anger, to sadness, to guilt, to grief, to self-pity… (I saw a therapist after a MC and she confirmed that all of these are normal feelings and okay to feel.) But, for us, the experience has actually brought us closer together.

I suggest you at least try marriage counseling. You say, you’ll still come out of it childless, but you don’t know. Maybe you’ll come out of it childless, but together. Or maybe you’ll decide to give up on each other. Or maybe, you and your wife will learn to communicate better and listen to each other’s pains and she’ll want to ttc again. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

Best of luck.

[desperate]

Thanks for the kind words and they have gotten me to think. I may very well go into counseling for this. I love my wife dearly, but am aggravated by this situation. Is it worth breaking up my marriage just so we get a child? I always pictured having children. Now that vision has been shattered. I just hate when people--all of society actually--acts like child bearing is so easy. I can tell you this: it's hard as ****

Well, I'm going to look into getting help. I can't take this anymore.

Your post made me sad.

In our case, we both contribute to part of the problem. I think individually and as a couple we both go through a lot of emotions – from anger, to sadness, to guilt, to grief, to self-pity… (I saw a therapist after a MC and she confirmed that all of these are normal feelings and okay to feel.) But, for us, the experience has actually brought us closer together.

I suggest you at least try marriage counseling. You say, you’ll still come out of it childless, but you don’t know. Maybe you’ll come out of it childless, but together. Or maybe you’ll decide to give up on each other. Or maybe, you and your wife will learn to communicate better and listen to each other’s pains and she’ll want to ttc again. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

Best of luck.

[tkh2008]

I think you should definately look at couns. You married your wife I assume because you loved her not because you thought she could have your babies. Keep you marriage happy & stable...that would be number one for me. I'm thinking of you & your wife...

[dixie_chop]

Sorry about your fertility problem. The only advise I can give is that there are millions of people these days with fertility problems. Its not like it used to be, so ending your marriage doesn't mean that you will necessary be able to have children anyway. Plus, I would imagine that this is even harder on your wife. She is probably struggling with the fact that she knows its her fault and there isn't anything that she can do about it. The fertility road is not easy but I think its crazy to give up on your marriage before you have even attempted that route. If you want children that badn't and the fertility route doesn't work and your religious, your church usually has adoption resources. I think you need to seek counseling over this alone and together, your marriage is more important.

[wishfulthinking]

hi there,
just wanted to give you another point of view. me and my husband have been trying for a baby for 4 years. test results show that neither of us has anything wrong yet we still can't get pregnant. we have been to hell and back with emotions, mostly on my part. i pushed my husband away telling him he was better off finding someone who can give him a child. after months of trying to work through this we are doing ok now. i think one of our worst problems is that we don't talk about our feelings enough. talking is so important. i could have lost my husband because i blamed myself for not having kids. of course my husband has always dreamt of having children but he told me he loved me so much more than just as someone to be a mother to his children. what you really need to remember is the reasons why you decided to try for children in the first place - i assume because you were in love and felt you could give a child a loving environment to grow up in. as hard as it is don't hold it against your wife, she has not chosen to be unable to conceive. she may say she has accepted things and wants to move on but in my opinion she probably still has a lot of emotions going on inside her. don't let infertility ruin a once good marriage. i came so close to losing everything and now i'm thankful every day that i didn't give up and that my husband didn't give up on me. i've only just started chatting to people on this website but i'm finding it really helps to hear other peoples stories and to write things down. take care.

[Wondercat]

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard