A Rant

[JBird]

Please excuse the negative nature of the following post; I've just gone through my 3rd loss and am not in a particularly good spot. Needed to get this off my chest. Hope you understand.


I hate:
That I have lost faith and don’t know if I’ll ever find it again.

That my husband has to go through this; he deserves better.

That my parents have to worry that they’ll never have grandchildren.

That I’ve gone from being supremely confident (over-confident, some might say) to constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That my best friend can get pregnant whenever she wants.

That hearing about other people’s joys (pregnancies and births) brings me so much pain.

That my sister-in-law gave birth the week before I was supposed to and now I can’t look at my nephew without thinking about the baby I lost.

That I’m the object of pity.

That I tell people about what I’m going through and then beat myself up about it.

That I can’t solve this problem.

The months February through April; maybe May, too.

That my doctors are always so nice, but never seem to make it happen.

That I allow myself to feel optimism.

That I’m constantly on an emotional roller coaster.

That I know there are worse tragedies in the world and the guilt with thinking I should just suck it up.

When my husband doesn’t want me to be upset or negative.

That it just never works out for me.

The thought of all the money that’s gone down the drain.

The emotional drain of constantly thinking and researching possible causes and solutions.

That teenagers and men and Octomoms can get pregnant and I can’t.

The effect this has had on my life.

The fear that it just may not work out.

That I never have good news to share; only bad news.

That I can’t be a good friend because I’m constantly depressed or involved in my own drama.

[Miracle08]

JBird,

I am terribly sorry for what you are going through. I am very sorry for your loss as well. I had a miscarriage when I was 19. I was one of those teenagers who stupidly got pregnant. I was so scared and didnt "want it" and then just when I accepted it, poof it was gone. I still deal with my guilt of thinking how I thought I didnt want it. Ten years later, of would have done anything for that baby. It is crazy how things happen. You brought tear to my eyes reading this. I haven't started treatment yet all those feelings you named, I go through everyday. I think it is perfectly normal to feel those things.

I wish I could give you a great big hug love!! Take it easy honey.

[momwant2b]

Your post could have been coming from me.... I understand what you are saying....

[Catharine]

Dearest JBird and all the ladies for whom your words could be theirs.

My heart goes out to each of you.

Let it all out. Get it out of your system. Have that good cry. Wash away your negativity so new hope and faith can emerge.

I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the hug you need. You are deserving. Take time for yourself, relax.

Now that you've had your good vent, it's time to consider that horse and climbing back into the saddle. You can do it. You are strong. Your DH is there to support you along with countless lovely ladies here to help you along your journey.

Sending you and all you ladies PMA.

Catharine

[kyrathered]

You have the "right" to feel all those emotions and don't let anyone ever even imply that you don't!! Right after I miscarried the office 'lady of easy virtue' announced she was preggo (got pregnant by someone else's husband) and was due the same day I had been. Her pregnancy was fine and she had a healthy baby boy. I was so bitter about the fact she was wrecking homes and yet had a baby. Then I was wracked with guilt for thinking about 'worthy' or 'unworthy' moms when I knew better. But, my hand to God, if I could have hijacked her embryo I would have and felt justified at the time. I honestly think I may have had temporary insanity.