calling all potential April Buddies

[jaye]

Hi everyone,

Thanks Staci & Allison for the +ve thoughts about the -ve hpt a few days ago - where there's life there's hope! I find out for sure tomorrow anyway.

A question: with other people, does AF come when you're using the progesterone suppositories? (something I'd never admit to if I didn't know you were all too!). I asked my Dr if it would - she said it might not, but it might. yeah, useful (I shouldn't complain, she's wonderful in every way). What have other people found? I figure it's just like being on the pill and you'll only get it if you stop?

Staci - my boss was great - actually she e-mailed back that she had suspected this (and I suspect other members of my team also suspect - I guess you're kidding yourself to think others won't notice). And that she appreciated me telling her, as she was really worried about me (bursting into tears in the middle of a meeting and walking out - not exactly normal behaviour!) And now it's so much easier than trying to make up lame excuses for not being able to travel and stuff.

Gem - try to stay positive. I know it's hard - if not impossible. But so many people do seem to be taken totally by surprise by the +ve - it must be possible (personally, I don't yet know). I think it would be harder for me being at home - at least being at work takes my mind off it, although I worry about the effect of the extra stress. But I guess it depends what kind of work you do - I sit at a computer, hardly taxing.

As for DH's game, I do know how you feel. Someone asked me how I could put on a party in the 2ww, but I am soooo bored with saying to DH that I don't want to do something because of the tmt - even though he's great. Would it be possible to go for a bit, but claim sickness and go home early or use that as an excuse to sit around quiety instead of jumping around - if you're up to it? I do know what you mean about feeling fragile though. And if you don't want to go, then DH will understand, and that's what you should do - sod everyone else and what they might say.

Sharon - I know what you mean about the first grandchild. for some reason it seems really important to me, too - so it's bittersweet that BIL has just announced he's getting married next year. I feel so mean that I even that I feel this way - but I just feel like I've seen sooooo many people get pregant - including one on the second time round - since I've been trying and I just feel like I want this one little thing - to get the first grandchild. Stupid, I know - of course they'll love them all.

Tania - my ovaries also really hurt, particularly just after the injections, from quite early on. It was really quite uncomfortable, but didn't last. Towards the end they did hurt quite a lot, though - like a stitch.

Jen - so glad those follies are finally behaving! good luck!

Sue - good luck with that little embie - yes, it only takes one.

+ve vibes and hellos to everyone else - and welcome Zeena.

Well - you'll all have my news tomorrow night!

Jaye

[caz1]

HI ladies
Sharon - god I SOOO know how you fel re friends getting PG. GRIM aint it. Yes I am cutting DH lots of slack - hes such a love, jusr gets a bit stressed out at times. Just sitting here waiting for the clininc to ring for me to go and collect DH - feeling veyr convinced its a no go - but trying just to be positive about everything else in our lives that pretty good reallY!

Zeena- welcome ! I ahve been exercising and have found it really helpful actually - it just takes your mind off for a bit! Liek Staci said I think the ting is to try to not get your heart rate up too high (have found mines gone up quicker than normal)

Jaye -I ahve a freidn who did IVF a year ago - she got -ve ever AFTER her test date - but turned out she WAS pg, baby was just a bit slow getting started! KEEP +ve!! My AF came when I was using suppositories. Did stop it all all! Sadly! No its not like the pill - if you havent got your AF theres def hope!

Gem - am thinking of you - do whatever YOU feel is right re the footy - I dont think it would do any harm - but theres NO point in you going if its going to stress you out. Like dagny suggests - get it videoed!

Jen - how you doing??!! Thinking of you!

Thanks all of you for you sweet messages of good luck - its SO amzing to know I'm not alone. Noone else knows that DH has his TESE today and feel a bit lonely!
Have decided to take the rest of the week off work - have done a couple of hours from hom this morning but just dont think I'd be much use in the office over the next few days....whatever happens. Fortunately my boss is v cool.

Sorry for those I havent mentioned - SOOOO many of us!

Weird - I's always moaning to DH that EVERYONE I know is PG or just had baby - but there must be as many people on these boards who are struggling as there are people I know who are PG - so I guess we have to remember that having problems getting PG really isnt that uncommon. NOt sure if any of that makes sense!! I am talking SO much B*llocks lately - must be the hormones - is anyone else having the same problem?!

Cazxx

[caz1]

....o my god, I also cant type!! Sorry for all the rubbish typing in prev message!

[alisonn]

Hi Zeena, have just read your post re steroids and NK cells, i had a
blood test for NK cells and was also borderline, and i was put on
a course of steroids which i took after ET and did get my long for
+itve (4th attempt) and continued the steroids till 12 wks then weaned
off them, to be honest i had no bad side effects in fact it gave me
lots of energy oh and i had probs getting off to sleep ended up reading
till all hours (one of there side effects). I hope it works for you, take
care alisonn

[caz1]

HI all.
Bad news I'm afraid, they found no sperm in Dhs TESE. We are gutted.
They have found a few in each one they have done before and we are very confused as to why they found none this time. I think it just eventually "dries up". I dunno.
They are going to keep an eye on the samples today to see if they can find any later on and maybe do another TESE tomorrow. But at this stage its looking like game over for us.
I will still have ec tomorrow - and I suppose just make embryos (hopefully) with the donor sperm we have as back-up. I guess as you can tell from my langusge tho that we arent ready to transfer the donor ones yet tho - we just need time to get over this and come to terms with the fact that DH will probably never have his own (genetic) children.
God- I am gutted.
Trying not to cry infromt of DH - but am crying here!! So sorry if I sound v sorry for myself
Its just so unfair - we have done EVERYTHING we were meant to , no drinking - vitamins fertiltiy tablets - the lot. Feel like its all been a total waste of time

I suppose we need to be philosophical - maybe this is just all meant to be. MAybe I'm not meant to have children. Or maybe the child we are MEANT to have is going to be with a donor sperm.

I dunno - am all over the place at the moment. I guess we just need to go through the motions this week and then re-assess everything afterwards. Am sure things will looks brighter. What meant to be will be , I guess

Is 1130 am - too early to start drinnking choclate martinis?!

[jaye]

Caz, I'm so so sorry. You do just have to get philosophical about these things. There are plenty of people here to discuss the options and choices you have - when (if) the time is right for you.

Jaye.

[sharoninsomerset]

Caz!! So, so sorry. Really feeling for you both. Get tomorrow out of the way and eggs collected safely and then I recommend several pints of chocolate martini's!!! Let me know how they taste!

Take care of each other and take time out to decide what the next step will be.

Fingers crossed for that one hidden sperm to turn up.
Lots of Love
Sx

[AMITHIS]

Caz,

It just isn't fair. After going through all this, you really deserve to be rewarded. I feel terrible for you and I'm really sorry. Your DH must be devestated as well because I'm sure he feels like it's all his fault; even though it's obviously not something he has any control over. That puts you in the position of trying not to seem too upset around him so he doesn't feel even worse. I hope there is someone you can turn to there for some support?

Your reasoning about using a donor sounded certainly sounded good to me so, maybe after some time, the two of you can both decide you are okay with going that route. Too much to think about right now though I'm sure. Just try to get through your EC tomorrow and take one day at a time for a bit.

Hang in there.

Staci

[Bronagh]

caz

Every now and again someones posting just rips right to your heart and thats what yours did caz. Its all such an emotional roller coaster ride this stuff there are so many emotions at every stage, jsut take a deep breath and give yourself sometime to gather yourself .

bronagh

[SQUEW]

Hi

Caz, honey so sorry to hear your news, take some time out, get through ec tomorrow and then have enough Chocolate Martinis to make the world seem a better place.
I am having a bad day and really trying NOT to get stressed(Difficult). My house sale has fallen through and I was counting on that money to enable me to hand my notice in at work soon. Basically as I am keeping quiet about my treatment I am finding juggling even a part time job with the appointments extremely difficult. My Manager being a real b***h as well, and I had a letter from her via HR saying they wanted access to my medical records (I have the right to deny them this, which I will be doing!!). I am signed off and she has already told me that I will only get ssp..silly cow. Sorry guys but I need to let off steam and am trying not to upset my embies.
Apart from being Mrs Angry I am feeling ok, the odd twinge but not really taking any notice. I had put on my usual 1/2 a stone, but this appears to have gone again, I am sure this hasnt happened so soon before, and I thought the steroids would make me put on weight? Any views?
Gem, how are you feeling/ Hows the back? I have had back ache aswell, but thats nothing unusual. As for going to the footy, I think you have just got to go with your gut instinct. I know that my clinic says be normal etc, but mentally you have to 'feel' like you are doing every possible thing to make it work.
Jaye, keeping fingers crossed for you, I have always got my af early when on the pessaries, so you never know, keep positive thoughts.
Tania, my ovaries always twinge once I start stims, guess it means its working!!
Jen, hope all went well today.
Traci, hows things going?
Hope everyone else is ok, think I have prattled on enough for now.

Sue xxxx

[Dagny]

Oh God Caz

I am so, so sorry. Your news has really upset me and I am really thinking of you ond your DH. It's just so crap and pants when all we want is a baby of our own and someone gives you a bum deal.

Take a bit of time to come to terms with it all and make a decision when you are good and ready. I truely am so sorry.

Sue - Why do your work need to see your medical records? Stick to your guns and don't let 'em It's nothing to do with them. Hope after getting things off your chest has made you feel a little better. Keep those embies safe and warm.

How is everyone else??

Love Dagny xkx

[Bronagh]

Sue,

When I was off sick I took legal advice as to what the situation was the only thing my employer could do was ask for me to see another doctor for a second opinion-because that is what it said in my contract . On no account show your mediacl records to anyone but hold on to that letter, if in doubt take legal advice.

Bronagh

[caz1]

Hi again
well called the clinic. embryologist said there were miniscule numbers and she didnt think any of them were usable
Poor Dh has to go in for ANOTHER tese tomorrow while I am having ec.
Really dont get why they didnt do more samples today to try and find more - feel like it hasnt really been explained to us properly. And could get quite angry if I let myself.
But must keep calm. Its looking pretty definate thats its no go still. we just feel we should pull ALL the stops out this time

Been talking constantly about the donor thing with DH -
The problem I have with just freezing the embies and not using them, is that I just am dreading coming out of this without even getting onto the 2WW. you know, we've come this far......But I know that not a big enough reason to put the donor embies back now. Is it?
I'm just wondering though what a few months is going to change. i mean if donor really IS our only way of having a baby - then why not get on with it? I dunno......
The big problem DH and I have is the "telling or not telling thing". We are actually OK with the principle of the donor thing in general. BUT He REALLY doesnt want to tell anyone, and I KIND OF feel the same way - but keep reading SO much stuff about how damaging it is for you and the child to keep it secret. I can see both sides of the debate - but can see the argument that by telling the child you are offloading it from yourself onto them - and if they can never know their real dad anyway - why do they ever need to know??
So sorry to ramble......
HELP!!
PLEASE, tell me, what would you all do in our situation?
ALSO, do you think its critical that we make all these decisions about when and if to tell before putting the embies back? (Most important thing....is that DH has said he would have no problem loving a baby I had even if it wasnt genetically his...its more the dealing with telling thing hes stuck on.)


Sorry to be so self obsessed. cant talk to anyone else but you guys and desperate for advice.

Thanks for your lovely messages. You are total life savers- really you are
Cazxx

[gem]

Caz so sorry to read your news its just not fair,I know what you are saying about the who to tell but I think I would answer those questions once I got pg I would take one hurdle at a time.

Thanks for all your replies about the footy but I think I've got my answer today I have spent this afternoon at the clinic haveing my bloods took and being scanned internally and outternally,I woke this morning with a dull belly ache it eased off but then it got worse really sharp pain on my right side low down it was really painful but then it eased again,dh came home from work for an hour as he was working all day I was watching a dvd and the pain got really worse I've never known pain like it before it made me cry it was that bad,dh phoned the clinc and they wanted me t come through so they could check on me,so dh had to phone work and say he had to take me to hosp.at the hops the dr felt my belly by this stage the pain had returned and I was in alot of pain she then scanned me internally where there was alot of extra fluid she measured the fluid and printed a picture of it she then ultra scanned me to have a better look at my ovaries whic were enlarged so took another picture by this time it really hurt,I had two lots of bloods done and was given some painkillers I was aske dif I wanted to be admitted which I declined the nurse said I thought you'd say that as you can rest better at home just take the painkillers and drink plenty which I have been doing-3-4 litres! We have to go back thurs and see if the ovaries have gone down,gone I have never cried that much in pain before,its ok when it eases but when it comes back its agaony.when the dr was scanning me she said she wasnt looking for pg just at my ovaries but I think if the embryos had took they wouldnt tell me til test day,so now I'm really scared that its all over now fo us how can they have stuck when I 've been in so much pain today ,she said it wasnt ohss as my levels were never high and I havent had any other signs but they would like to keep a close eye on me whch is why I 've to go back on thurs.
If I have a bad night I have to phone Hallamshire the nurse who saw me today is on the nights so she will speak to me if I phone and will get me a bed,but hopefully I wont need a bed.
Please someone tell me its not over have the embryos still got a chance I wouldnt take any painkillers at home but the hosp have reasured me the painkillers are safe and the pain was that bad I had to take somthing,the scans wouldnt have hurt them would it???
God I've got another week to go I
I will catch up with everyone tomorrow just wanted to let you all know where I'd been today
Love Gemxxx

[Dagny]

Hello gem

I can feel your panic through your writing! I was admitted for a night the day after my last ET with awful pains in my left ovary. I was in so much pain I was crying like a baby and couldn't stand up or move. The docs thought I had a twisted ovary but it turned out I didn't. They put me on a course of anti biotics incase it was an infection. We are still not sure what it was but I did go on to get a +ve. So much goes on inside us during treatment and it's not surprising we get pains occasionally.

Rest up and drink for England take care.

Good luck

Love Dagny xkx