Insensitive Remarks that People Make and Pet Peeves

[pattieh]

Just wanted to rant about some remarks I've heard over the past 7 years of our trying to have a baby. Note that these are people who have no idea what we're going through. Feel free to rant on what you've heard.

"I don't know why people have to monitor ovulation. If they just have sex more, they'll get pregnant right away." <said>

"I'm sure you feel really sorry now for never having kids"
<said by a friend's mother in the middle of guests with kids>

"When you have kids, you won't have any time to have the great parties that you've been hosting"

"Don't you want to have kids? Don't you like kids?" <asked>

"We've never had any trouble getting pregnant. It just happens every time, naturally."





The thoughts of jealousy still exist during the following, and I feel really bad about it. Can anyone else relate?

Baby showers

Anytime someone we know gets pregnant (and they already have two kids)

When the pregnant friend gives me a weekly update of how her baby is doing

When meeting with friends (all of whom have kids) and the talk is 100% about babies and rearing children. I try to change the subject but it always manages to go back to the topic of kids

The naggers who keep asking when we're going to have kids (though I must say, it's been so long that they haven't asked in ages, so that's good)

Friends who try to help and give embarrassing gifts like intimate KY spray/gel and ugly lingerie

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Pattie, I can so relate!

We live in Germany where people tend to be somewhat direct also, which makes things a lot worse.

You are right, the more time goes by, the less they tend to ask or remark, like it's a real tabu thing, which is just as bad, if not worse.

Some things I have had to suffer:

"Oh well, we all feel for you you know, but life has to go on.."

(Father-in -law who has two other children apart from my husband, all naturally conceived without any problems, the day of a negative result, annoyed that I wasn't going to be joining in a family get together)

"Well you know what they say about young women eating gherkins, it means they are pregnant"

(Father-in-law at a family barbecue fully aware that we have been trying for four years and had recently given up after six IVF attempts with no possibility of conceiving naturally)

"Oh well, I've been thinking, maybe it's for the best you gave up, with the risks that go with a late pregnancy"

(A lame attempt from a friend trying to make me feel better. This friend has two children.)

"Well anyway, I thought your belly would be getting bigger by now, wink wink"

(An insensitive - ex - friend also fully aware of us having gone through 4 years of trying but had obviously forgotten)

"Well I've got a friend who did IVF and it worked first time"

I could go on!!

[vicky1707]

Oh I can fully related to this topic!! Out of my group of friends there is only me and another friend who isn't pregnant! All of whom conceived naturally! One friend was 18 months before conceiving but still was naturally, although she was on the only friend that understood how I felt (even though she hadn't had any sort of fertility treatment) as she knew what it felt like to not want to start a period every month, and wanting something that seems to happen to everyone around us!

I have to admit my friends are really good and very sensitive when it comes to being around me, they know when I'm havng good and bad days and when I feel up to talking about babies etc...

But then there are some people that just don't have a clue what IVF is and what you have to go through as a couple! One girl I work with has absolutely no idea and said some really nasty things to me before she left for her maternity leave which by the way was her 2nd child and also she'd had 2 aborptions previously!! Lets put it this way I'll never speak to her again and when she does come back I'll be moving offices! She had no idea that on her last day when everyone was handing out presents for her and baby I went into my office and cried my eyes out! But because I was over the moon for her and fussing around her she didn't like it, it obviously didn't occur to her that I'd feel upset! But I don't like to waste my time on people like her!

The worst comments people say to me is "oh you're only young, you've got plenty of time yet" GRRRRRRRRRR That really does drive me mad! I know I'm only 27 and I am very young but that doesn't alter the fact that me and DH wanted a family 4 1/2 years ago!

A lot of my friends always say "I don't know what to say to you" after we've had a failed cycle and I'm much prefer someone saying that than the crap they come out with sometimes!!

I think some people need to watch these programmes on IVF and fertility treatment to actually see and realise what us ladies on here go through!!

Now I feel better after that! LOL x

[shantala]

OMG ladies....i soooo understand! especially vicky with the "you're so young, you have plenty of time"!!!!!!!!!!! my favourite! NOT!!!! i'm 24 now and we started ivf when i was 22 (or was it 21) but regardless of age, the thoughts in my head were, whether i'm 21 or 41, will i ever have my own baby??? what if it never happens? etc....and age has nothing to do with that! aw, a really insensitive comment....a couple i can add to....

"if you just relax, it'll happen".....an all time favourite that i bet 90% of women have heard on here!

i was at work and a work colleague who was on maternity leave popped in with her baby...after she left i was fairly upset and went to a lady who knew we were doing ivf (who has children) with an upset face...she just looked at me and said "they do grow up, you know!".....what?

another one was that i was at work and two friends were talking about one of their daughters who has 2 children and unfortunately found out she had cancer. she had to have chemo and therefore could no longer have children. they were talking about her as she (the daughter) retrospectively wished she had frozen some of her eggs as she may have wanted more children (in addition to her 2). so i said something along the lines of "it's great that she has 2 already" and one of them turned around and said to me "yes, but it must be harder for someone who already has children to find out she can no longer have children as she knows what she's missing".....OMFG!!!!

i know there were many more comments where you feel like you've just been punched in the face but can't remember any other ones right now. a lovely lady who used to come on here used to say that you have to learn to put your shit shield up sometimes....thought that was a nice way of trying to cope with it.

xxx

[sabi]

Ladies,
When we announced my pregnancy 80% of the people immediately asked if we used fertility treatments. Some came right out & asked if we used IVF.
I am 43 carrying twins- is that not unbelievable????

Some people really have a lot of nerve. I wouldn't dare ask such a personal question would you?




Sabixxoo

[amysbabies]

Oh Patti... everything you wrote is something I've heard or experienced.. ugh.

I hate going to family gatherings..everyone gives me the pity look now with the pat on the back that says.. don't worry .. it will happen soon.

I hate bbq's because EVERYONE brings their kids and babies and it drives me nuts.

I changed my dry cleaners because practically every month the stupid lady at the counter would ask me if I'm pregnant just because I was wearing loose clothing or if I was a bit bloated that day. WTF.

[babycries]

I was thinking about this the other day. I was giving myself an injection at work.. First question was, "Are you diabetic?" lol.. Then I told the situation to a co-worker. She Said. "OMG you want children?" You can have mine? Ill give you mine?" I dont know why you want kids? your better off without them.. Wow! thats some bold talk for ya! I bet you if her child was missing, or God forbid hurt.. It would be a different story.. Let me Live my life , let me experience what it is to give birth, what it is to change a diaper, what it is to get angry when my child writes on the wall, or gets in trouble in school.
The nerve of some people,, Not my fault she got pregnant at a young age,,,SMH..

[Stephanieford78]

I can relate! I finally got a bfp and went to my regular dr office to ask the process of getting set up for OB and the old lady behind the counter was very rude. She asked me my last lmp and I told her I can't go by that because I had IVF and I have to go by my transfer date. She didn't even know what IVF was, so I simply explained it as if I was talking to a two year old and she replies... "How unnatural!" I swear I could have hit the old bat! After everything we go through to be told something like that?

At the beginning of this process they told us we should have a good outcome since we are both healthy and dh had a great sperm count. After finding the results we were talking to a neighbor and dh bragged a bit about his numbers. Feeling manly hearing the results he had no problem sharing. Later after two failed attempts and having to use rescue ICSI and ICSI because his perfect swimmers didn't want to swim towards the egg, she later told other neighbors who knew nothing about our process... "Funny how he was over here bragging and then it doesn't work.. TWICE." Well sorry he was feeling confident!! What gives people the right to judge like that? We lost 6 embies in the process of getting pregnant, people don't realize to many of us, it is still a loss, even if they don't attach.

Then there are those special few. People who don't think before they speak. Always being asked if I am pregnant yet, EVERY month like clockwork because they know we are "trying" even though they may not know how we are trying, it still p'ed me off. What if I was and I misscarried? What if I am simply disappointed that it didn't work yet again and I am sick of answering your stupid question with a NO every month? Don't you think if I was I would have told everyone?

Of course now I am pregnant, but the worry never goes away. I am still scared sh*tless, but still trying to stay in a positive frame of mind.

[flystar]

This is a great post..

My husband and I are going through our first IVF, we told a couple of our close friends what we were doing because it became obvious with not drinking and me having to stop working that we were up to something. I guess it quickly spread around our neighborhood because yesterday my neighbor stopped me when I pulled into the driveway and said "hey, I heard something about you" I was like what.. she said " I heard you got artificially inseminated" I was like yeahhh. What a strange way for that to be said, that sounds to me like I went to a sperm bank and got some sperm shot up me. If only it were that easy, it is amazing the comments I hear.

[angeinhull]

We just had our first baby by IVf and even people that know this keep saying 'so when are you having another one?'. If we say we don't want one or not sure they say 'don't worry it will happen naturally this time it always does!'. I wish people would get there facts right. It really annoys me.

Oh, and the doctors who keep trying to get us to 'consider our contraception options' knowing what we have been through and any baby would be a well loved miracle!

[amyweaver29]

Ladies, I have a daughter. It took a while before I had mine. What did I do to have one? I just prayed and asked God to give me one if it is for His glory.

Some start family late, some early. But no matter when you start, God blesses you in His time. Let us just continue praying for the blessing to come soon.

Oops, don't ever think that you are not blessed if you don't have yet a baby. God has reasons and purposes...

Regards and God bless,

[rypell1985]

So I read all these a while back, but had to add my shopping experience today! I was at Costcostanding in line behind a couple who had 2 young (3ish) boys in the cart. The boys were touching everything, bugging eachother and being loud. I was looking on and laughing when they lady behind me turns to me and says, "Children like that make my ovaries shrivel." If she only knew....

[babyplease]

"just relax and it will happen" is the WORST thing to hear! Ugh, I hear it so often i respond angrily now when someone says it to me.

OMG ladies....i soooo understand! especially vicky with the "you're so young, you have plenty of time"!!!!!!!!!!! my favourite! NOT!!!! i'm 24 now and we started ivf when i was 22 (or was it 21) but regardless of age, the thoughts in my head were, whether i'm 21 or 41, will i ever have my own baby??? what if it never happens? etc....and age has nothing to do with that! aw, a really insensitive comment....a couple i can add to....

"if you just relax, it'll happen".....an all time favourite that i bet 90% of women have heard on here!

i was at work and a work colleague who was on maternity leave popped in with her baby...after she left i was fairly upset and went to a lady who knew we were doing ivf (who has children) with an upset face...she just looked at me and said "they do grow up, you know!".....what?

another one was that i was at work and two friends were talking about one of their daughters who has 2 children and unfortunately found out she had cancer. she had to have chemo and therefore could no longer have children. they were talking about her as she (the daughter) retrospectively wished she had frozen some of her eggs as she may have wanted more children (in addition to her 2). so i said something along the lines of "it's great that she has 2 already" and one of them turned around and said to me "yes, but it must be harder for someone who already has children to find out she can no longer have children as she knows what she's missing".....OMFG!!!!

i know there were many more comments where you feel like you've just been punched in the face but can't remember any other ones right now. a lovely lady who used to come on here used to say that you have to learn to put your shit shield up sometimes....thought that was a nice way of trying to cope with it.

xxx

[lt81]

I've only been going through this for a few weeks but so far I have heard:

"IVF is so unnatural, people should just accept they can't have kids and move on"
(best friend's sister who gets pregnant at the blink of an eye and expecting her third)

"don't worry, not all women have maternal instincts"
(entirely random comment from HR manager at work, who knows nothing about me other than the fact that my career is going well and obviously jumped to the conclusion that I am therefore a reluctant participant in IVF! Like I would be doing this if I wasn't fussed for having children!)

"just go on holiday and it will happen"

"IVF will kick start your natural system, so you can get pregant naturally"

"just use some of my eggs" - erm thanks but I have my own - have you not just listened to me explain what is going on?!

and not to me, but to a friend who recently miscarried "you can have a cuddle of mine instead" from another friend who was just a few weeks ahead in her pregnancy.

Why people think it is appropriate to comment on when anyone will or will not start a family is entirely beyond me. I don't go around asking people when the last time they had sex with their partners was!

[ginnymoorehead]

Yes, I can definitely relate! A colleague once said that he didn't understand why people went through fertility treatments - completely random conversation... He went on to say that they (people undergoing infertility treatments) should view it as Darwin's theory at work. He actually said that anyone who is infertile must have inferior genetics. What a jerk.