August Frozen Transfer

[kizmet]

JerseyJane - how far apart were your betas? Just two days weren't they? I was just reading that new research shows that a beta rise of 60% is normal. So wouldn't yours fit into that? Chin up. I really do have a good feeling for you.

Blair - Oh babe, I just don't know what to say. Look back on my posts - I was exactly the same before my beta. I hit absolutely rock bottom there. Really I did. I spent a whole day yelling a DH about how much I hate my body and how it lets me down ALL the time (I'm diabetic and I recently had a tumour removed from my carotid artery, the first IVF cycle was a disaster, I could go on forever) and I felt ready to curl up and die. If it is a negative, you will feel better eventually and you'll soon enough be ready to try with those other embies, I'm sure of it. If it's positive, like mine was, then you'll feel bad for ever having doubted those little beans growing in your belly! (I still feel bad about that, so hopefully embies don't have any lasting effects from negative feelings!).

Yarnista - Oh, I'm jealous. I love france. We went to Paris in 2005 and then Paris, Rouen, Le Mont Saint Michel, Albert and Calais in 2008. We have good friends in the UK who we catch up with every couple of years, so it's our turn in 2013 to go to them!
Gotta go out of laptop battery.

Hugs to all of you!
Kiz

[Jerseyjane]

I just got the call and one of the doctors actually made it himself (never a good sign) and my level dropped to 69 so it looks like a chemical pregnancy. He spoke to my doctor and he actually wants me to stay on all of my meds and he wants me to come in Monday for another beta to see what my levels do. He said chemical pregnancies usually don't start out so high which is why he wants to keep monitoring me. I just am ready for this to be over. I don't even feel like myself anymore. Between the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage in May, all those stims, this round of meds and pregnancy I have put on 12 lbs. I am usually a size 2 and now 4's feel snug. I know a 4 is not big, that is not what I mean but I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate getting dressed in the morning, I hate not being able to run, I hate when my hormones make me so depressed I could cry for any reason and I hate that I haven't been giving my daughter the attention she deserves because I am so wrapped up in this rollercoaster. I just think that I am done with fertility shit. If it is meant to be than it will happen on it's own, they never found a reason why we didn't get pregnant on our own. But I am done trying! No more ovulation kits, ovu-watches, looking for signs in the middle of cycle that I am ovulating, just done with it all. I have one beautiful toddler and maybe that's all I am meant to have. I am an only child and I was fine with it. I guess for now I am stuck in limbo waiting for Monday to come, I just hope I get an answer that day.

Blair - I hope you are o.k. I am worried about you. I am here for you if you'd like to talk.

[NY4thtry]

Ladies
Apologies for crashing this thread. I transferred a 6 day blast into surro last Friday her beta 6 days after was 14 so low and i am freaking out....
Anyone start with an fet for low betas?
Any support greatly appreciated
Thanks

[itsmyturn79]

Jersey, i am so so sorry!!! this is so cruel!!!!!!!!!!i had 2 chemicals pregnancy this year and it has been very hard for us to deal with it. I read what you have been through before and it feels so unfair!! why the luck didn t turn this time!!! where are we suppose to find the strengh to move foward? i really feel your pain. My last fet i felt so bad in my skin also with the weigh i gain, that i took 3 months breaks running everyday 5km, and came back to my skinny size. It felt so good to have a project that i could at least control!!! i regain my confidence and felt ready to move foward. As your doctor said it s not commun to have a chemical pregnancy with starting beta level over 100. My doctor told me that it was not because of me, it was just bad luck, it happen to one woman on 100. Usually is chromosomal defect!!!!or thin lining! anyway, i know you are a strong personn, and right now, you need to concentrate on yourself. I send you lots of hugs xxx

[blairwh58]

Jersey- I am soooo sorry. I actually started crying when I read your last few posts. I honestly hope that you go back and that low beta was just a fluke. I know exactly how you feel though. Last cycle in June we had a chemical and I felt like it was worse than a straight out negative. I got so excited that the digital test said pregnant...and then the beta dropped and it was all gone. It was harder for me to get over that one because on top of that I had to start the birth control which made me feel like I wasnt trying to have a baby. Anyway, I am still going to hold out hope for you. You are a strong person and even if it didnt work out dont give up hope. I feel the exact same way and hate being so depressed at times that I just want to break into tears at the drop of a hat, not to mention that this infertility has caused us to push a lot of friends and family a little further away since no one knows. Just try to keep your head up and let me know if you need anything.

itsmyturn- my beta isnt until Tuesday. It would have been scheduled for tomorrow but they arent open and they are closed monday for the holiday. I have already spoken with DH and we know we are going to meet with RE and discuss. We would ask friends and family for financial supposrt but no one knows we are doing any of this. So far we are managing...had to take out some credit, and even though we have been paying the past 2 cycles off, we may end up adding some more on. Oh well. I know in the end all this will be worth it.

kizmet- Thanks for the support. I know you went through the same stuff. There are times I really dont understand how DH and I have become so unlucky. From a tumor in my breast, chronic degenerative disc in my back for 8 yrs, to random stuff like an infection in my chest after the laparoscopy that the MD didnt believe me on, and getting stuck in Italy for a week because of the volcano in Iceland. My mom has even told me that if it werent for bad luck I wouldnt have any.

AFM- Negative test again this morning (it was actually digital and pointed out "not pregnant"). I am surprisingly not as emotional and depressed as I first thought I would be. I think its because I spread the depression out over the past few days. I only cried for a little this morning, and then I had to watch my cousins twin 2 yr old girls (that she had a one night stand and accidentally got pregnant with). Luckily they were great and kept me pretty busy and distracted all day. DH was depressed when I told him but said we can try again. We want to talk to RE and see if we should have some chromosome testing before next round to make sure something else isnt wrong. Sorry its been so long since I got on here...depressed and trying to cope and decide next steps.

[annashope]

Blair

I am so sorry you are going through this but I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know you are not alone. I too in the past 2 years had cancer followed by my father's terrible car accident, my grandfather's accident (2 weeks apart and both cars flipped) and then this terrible infertility...I chuckled when I read your post because when the volcano erupted DH and I were scheduled to fly to London as my surprise gift for finishing my Master's and then our first IVF this summer and we got a double blighted ovum which was a freak accident RE says because our genetic test was perfect so my mom also always jokes that maybe people with this kind of luck like you and I should play the lottery because we just may win. anyways hang in there and I know you will get what you want we just have to work extra hard for this for some reason.
btw I had to go to my baby sister's 12 week pregnant ultrasound this week- she is 17 and got preg by accident while using a condom...what can I say

[Jerseyjane]

Blair - I am so sorry that this worked out this way. I was worried about you when you didn't post that much. I am glad to hear that you are going to move forward you are so young and I just know this will happen for you. My friend who had undergone the first 2 ivf's with me had a chemical first, then a miscarriage at 7 weeks. They decided to do genetic testing after that (not on the embroyos but on themselves). It's a series of blood tests. I think some can take up to a month for the results to come in. Anyway they found that she had thrombophelia (not sure if that's how you spell it). It is a blood clotting disorder. Then she decided to do another fresh cycle and she had to be on lovenox, well that pregnancy worked and stuck around, the only draw back is you have to do an injection every day in your belly for the entire pregnancy and I think for 6 weeks postpartum. Oh and it was not just her, going into IVF they found out her husband had 1% morphology and they even made a joke, "at least you'll never need a vasectomy." After she had her son she actually got pregnant on her own by chance when her baby was only 3 months old. Needless to say her hubby got the vasectomy after baby # 2. My point is maybe take a month or two off and have some testing done. I feel so badly for both you and hubby and know I am here for you.

Itsmyturn - Thank you for your kind words and I feel better knowing that someone feels like I do about the weight. When I complain to my husband he'll just say, "why do you care so much about you look, why do you care what people think, why do you feel the need to be thin?" Then I start to think "am I just being superficial?" But I think it's important to feel good about the way you look, and to be comfortable whatever size you are and right now I am just not comfortable. I didn't know you have 2 chemicals this year, I am very sorry. It really is so tough because your hopes get dashed so quickly. I am truly happy that this worked out for you and I can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes on Monday.

Kizmet - How are you doing?

AFM - Well it's a little after 5:00 a.m. here and once again I can't sleep. I have so much crap swirling around in my head. I am almost annoyed that my doctor said to stay on the meds til Monday and then go back, I really hate this limbo and I wish I could have a drink, or 2, or 3. I told my sister-in-law yesterday and she is so supportive. She said I'll be surrogate for you, which is so sweet but I said "no thanks." I explained I don't need another child, it really would have been great but it is not the be all end all. I never mentioned this but it was my DH who pushed me to go back last October and try again. I honestly was fine with 1 child. I was at a weight where I was so happy, it was getting easier each day to take care of DD, and things were great at work. He pushed me to try the FET since we had 2 frosties, which was BFN but I was surprisingly o.k. with that, I don't think I was ready yet. Then in March I felt ready with more of his prodding of course and did a fresh cycle since that's what worked for me in the past and was devasted to be pregnant just to miscarry again this time 7 1/2 wks. I was consumed by IVF all over again and decided I didn't want to take any time off and try my last 2 frozen this time around in August. When I got the BFP I was sure this would be successful because they were from the same batch as my DD. So now I wonder why this is happening and can only assume it's just not meant to me. I am angry at myself for even trying again. Regular people don't understand, not even DH understands how consuming this becomes. We eat, sleep, think, dream IVF all the time. We overanalyze every twinge, ache, pain, sound, etc. that goes on, we obsess over our blood work results, and POAS, and if we are tired, or our bb's hurt, or god forbid if one day they don't hurt or we dare I say feel good, we freak out. It sucks! I really hope I am able to move forward, I do know I tried, I tried my hardest but you don't always get what you want. I think after 2 miscarriages, 1 impending chemical, and my amazing daughter it is enough for me. Some people are much stronger than I, but I think I need to through in the towel for my own sanity. I may be selfish here but I need to feel like myself again and not like a lab experiment. I love all of you girls and wish nothing but the best for you. I am not going anywhere. I will still be here to root you on and of course to let you know how Monday goes.

[blairwh58]

annashope- Thanks for all the support you have stopped in to give. I really appreciate that. I guess it turns out that some people with infertility just draw the short end of the stick more often than not. I am sorry that you went some horrible stuff too. Luckily the only good thing about all this infertility is that it makes us stronger people. As for your sister...I am sure you could do nothing but laugh (and cry). My sister was the same way and got pregnant her first time while on birth control. So of course shes always been the one saying oh youll be able to get pregnant right away, just look at me. Oh well.

Jersey- I acually had a friend who ended up doing 5 rounds of IVFs with multiple miscarriages before they figured out that she had the same thing. Nows shes 34 weeks pregnant and still doing lovenox shots every day (except I think she just switched to heparin in case he come early and they have to do a csection). Whats funny about your friend is DH and I have already said at this point he would obviously not need a vasectomy. Even though we know some freaky event could happen and we may be able to get pregnant on our own it wouldnt be the end of the world, so we would just live with it. I am hoping that the testing doesnt take a month or two but we will discuss with RE tuesday. As for you I am so sorry that you can sleep. You should take something to get your brain to stop spinning tonight. I know what you mean about feeling so consumed by IVF and wanting to have your life and your body back. Even though Ive only gained 4 lbs and DH says I should get over it, I can see and feel it every day. It may not seem like much but it makes me feel gross. Its not selfish of you to want to feel like yourself again. Just take some time to think about where you are and what you want out of life before you try again or decide to move on. I wish you all the best and hope you know we are all here for you either way. Keep us posted.

kywildcat- Did you ever test and get any results? Fingers are crossed that your 1 embryo decided to stick. Let us know.

AFM- tested one last time today just to make sure and still completely negative. Im sure against doctors orders I didnt do the Progesterone shot last night. And I know some of you may think I am a bad person since there is still a chance that things could suddenly turn around...but since those chances are so small and I have been crampy for over a week now I went with my gut on this. I want to try and move on, and the longer I am on progesterone not having a period, the longer we have to wait for all that to happen. If I honestly thought that there was still a glimmer of a chance I really would keep doing it, but I know in my heart it really didnt work this time around. Hopefully we will be able to do some testing and figure out whether we have science or just luck weighing against us each time. Still wishing all of you the best and I will of course be checking in like normal to make sure things are still going great.

[kywildcat]

Blair so sorry about your negative HPT. I had a friend in the lab who ran my HCG Friday instead of Sunday and of course it was negative so I stopped all my meds as of Friday. I am now second guessing myself after $30,000 that we should have ignored our age situation and did the vasectomy reversal. But one can always second guess their decisions. This was it for us and now I just need to accept what is meant to be and maybe something else will come along. Maybe a stork will just drop a newborn off at my doorstep, wishful thinking! Anyways, so sorry but keep your hopes up...you are young and hopefully it will all work out for you. I'm not doing the official one today and plan to call NP Tuesday and tell her the result and for her to put it in my file. I don't want to pay for an HCG that I already know the result. Thinking of you Blair.

[kizmet]

JerseyJane - I'm so sorry. I really thought this would be a good cycle for you. I don't even know what to say.

Blair - When do you have your beta? Still keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, maybe you'll get lucky.

AFM - Still just feeling normal other than a bit more tired than usual. I sometimes feel a bit nauseous, but I can't decide it that is morning sickness or just because I'm tired.

[melmar]

Oh JerseyJane-I just stopped in and read your posts. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. You are right-nobody understands the all encompassing, obsessiveness of this process. I know you are down now, but you will start coming out of this. I can only tell you that I too have had my share of miscariages and 3 chemical pregnancies, but somewhere in there I kept going..one after another..watched all my girlfriends have babies whenever they wanted to...became bitter...became optimistic...bitter again..and so forth. I was so many different people throughout my thirties (we have been going through this process since I was 32 and I will be 38 in November) I am pretty sure that my DH was starting to think I was bipolar. In the end, I tried once again, and yes I was truly blessed. Hang in there-we are here for you whenever you need to vent, feel sorry for yourself or just scream a little! My heart goes out to starting school where you know there will be announcements of engagements , weddings and of course pregnancies. Know that in your head-I am thinking about you and shooting each of those people an evil glare for you (even though deep down we are happy for them...kinda).

AFM-went to doctor on Thursday where he basically laughed when I asked him about IUI instead of IVF. My DH had varicocele which he had fixed..supposedly, but it actually made his counts worse. I am not going through another IVF I have decided and am now contemplating not going through IUI. I just think that I am finally done. And I am okay with that.

[Jerseyjane]

Melmar - I am so glad to hear from you and it really made me feel better after reading your post. I am sorry for your losses. I kind of don't feel so alone, I mean I know there are tons of women out there who have gone through much worse but when you are in the throws of it you tend to feel quite alone. I am sorry about the IUI but you really never know. Whatever you decide you have a beautiful family to support you. I had to laugh when you wrote about the announcements at work... there are 3 teachers that are pregnant and I counted 11 mothers of kindergarteners who are pregnant (and those are only the ones I noticed.) You are so right as well about the bitterness, I hate myself for it but I can't help it. Thank you so much for your post, it really does help.

Itsmyturn - Good luck today! I can't wait to hear about your ultrasound.

Kizmet - I am glad you are still feeling well, consider yourself lucky.

Blair - I am thinking of you. Did you tell your husband, is he o.k.?

AFM - I went this morning for beta #4 so I guess we'll see what happens this afternoon although I don't have much hope.

[itsmyturn79]

Jersey, let us know what happen with your beta today. Did you have any frozen embryos left? hope you got a plan that you are looking foward.

Blair, how are you feeling?

Melmar, nice to hear from you

AFM, Just went for my 1st u/s and had a big surprise when i have seen 2 sacs. Wow, i am overexcited!!! twins!!!feeling much more relaxed now as, i could see the heartbeats!!we are over the moon!!!!

[Jerseyjane]

Itsmyturn -OMG! Congratulations! Twins, how wonderful. I am truly happy for you, what a great surprise. You and your hubby must be thrilled. To answer your question, these were my last 2 frozen embroyos and as for a plan I think I need a break, probably permanently. I have never done back to back cycles before and since they both ended in miscarriage it is really too much to take. Maybe it's just not meant to be and that's fine, I have my beautiful little girl and I am eternally greatful for her.

AFM - Got the dreaded call and beta went down to 26. I can finally stop all meds. They do want to see me next Sunday for a follow-up beta to make sure my level goes to 0. Oh and I am O- (blood type) so they told me I have to get a Rho-Gam shot again, that's my 2nd one in 3 months, great right. I didn't think I would need one but the doctor said since I am 5wks already I do. I have moments where I think to myself maybe I'll try again, but then I'm like nah. If anything I definitely need a break and maybe if by some off chance I get the itch (which I doubt) but I might, really really really slight chance try IUI again but at a different clinic with a new RE. I just don't know yet. After talking with DH we are both content with our beautiful little miracle and you never know, maybe if I'm not trying I could conceive naturally since they have deamed us unexplained infertility.

[kizmet]

JerseyJane - Glad you can finally stop the meds. That must really help with accepting it and going about feeling like yourself again.

Itsmyturn - TWINS! Congrats! How many did you transfer again?

AFM - went in for my third and final beta this morning, so still waiting for that. Other than that, nothing much to report except maybe our IVF secret may have been blown wide open this morning. As I went into the clinic which is now located in a brand new building - they are currently the only occupants, I noticed some glaziers working on one of the downstairs suites...and one of them is DH's nephew, Jacob. Whether he'll put two and two together, I don't know, so we might have to tell a few people earlier than planned.