Well, after getting another -tive on an HPT this morning, AF started in full force. I called the clinic and they said I could go in this morning just to take the test (they require it no matter what) if I wanted to get it over with. Even though I'm a complete wreck and have been breaking down in tears every 10 minutes since this morning, I pulled myself together to just drive over there and have it done with. I couldn't stand the thought of facing the issue again tomorrow morning. I actually made it in and out of the clinic holding back tears but had an outburst and almost went off the road on the way home.
For those of you who have been through this, how did you deal with it? Right now, I just can't imagine ever feeling normal again or hopeful about anything. I don't even know how I'm going to stop crying. I mean I was somewhat prepared by all the -tive HPT's I had over the last few days but I guess I was hanging on to a bit of hope; which was dashed when AF showed up.
I just don't even know what to do with myself. I keep thinking maybe if I go workout it would clear my mind, but I'm having such terrible stomach cramps that I'm having a hard enough time walking. The nurse told me to try to think positive about the ones we have frozen but I just think why would those possibly work if these didn't? I also just can't even stand the thought of going through it again only to get another -tive. And the thought of ever going through a fresh cycle again is completely daunting. Aside from the expense and the fact that it would use the last of our savings, I just feel so negative about everything right now. After we moved for DH's job , I stopped working because we intended to have a family. Now, it's going on 2 years that I haven't even had a job and I really feel completely useless. I don't even know what to do with myself if we end up not being able to have children. I just feel like there's this huge void in my life and I'm not being allowed to fill it.
Anyway, I feel guilty even feeling so sorry for myself because I know there are many of you here who have gone through much worse and obviously you've all managed to pick yourselves back up again. I just don't know if I'm strong enough.
Staci
I am a wreck after BFN
I am a wreck
Staci
Sorry to hear your news..
.You need some TLC so go and spoil yourself and take some time out with DH, you probably need a bit of time away from this emotional rollercoaster and then you might feel ready to come back with those frozen embies..give yourself some time, thinking of you.
lots of love
Shelld
Sorry to hear your news..
.You need some TLC so go and spoil yourself and take some time out with DH, you probably need a bit of time away from this emotional rollercoaster and then you might feel ready to come back with those frozen embies..give yourself some time, thinking of you.lots of love
Shelld
Staci
I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I can't say that it is easy to get through it all either. My husband and I have been through HSG, laproscopy, tried Basil BT, Clomid--you name it, and we've done it. It's been a road full of disappointment. We start the IVF shots tomorrow, and what I fear most is your situation. My doctor has only given us about a 50% chance, but at least its a chance. I don't have any advice--I'm just sharing your grief. I know what you've been through, and I am sorry.
Dana
Where are you in USA?
I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I can't say that it is easy to get through it all either. My husband and I have been through HSG, laproscopy, tried Basil BT, Clomid--you name it, and we've done it. It's been a road full of disappointment. We start the IVF shots tomorrow, and what I fear most is your situation. My doctor has only given us about a 50% chance, but at least its a chance. I don't have any advice--I'm just sharing your grief. I know what you've been through, and I am sorry.
Dana
Where are you in USA?
Hi Staci
I read your post and felt I had to reply. I so know how you are feeling ( been there a few times!) and the only thing I can say is that i PROMISE it will get better.
You do feel horrendous for a few days but after a bit the horrendous times become less and less and you will feel ok again. I found the follow up appointment really helpful as then you can start looking forward and not back.
Make sure you treat yourself and don't feel guilty for feeling bad, you have suffered a loss and nature needs a while to heal you.
Make sure you keep talking to hubby as he will be feeling sad too and support each other. But most importantly don't give up!!!
Sam
I read your post and felt I had to reply. I so know how you are feeling ( been there a few times!) and the only thing I can say is that i PROMISE it will get better.
You do feel horrendous for a few days but after a bit the horrendous times become less and less and you will feel ok again. I found the follow up appointment really helpful as then you can start looking forward and not back.
Make sure you treat yourself and don't feel guilty for feeling bad, you have suffered a loss and nature needs a while to heal you.
Make sure you keep talking to hubby as he will be feeling sad too and support each other. But most importantly don't give up!!!
Sam
staci
staci,
Do something small for yourself , no matter what it might be. Something sweet a sauna a swim a walk by the sea???? Think about a part time job when things settle. Something you might enjoy that might get you out of the house.
Ever thought about the counselling service????????????
But most of all look after youself .
bro
Do something small for yourself , no matter what it might be. Something sweet a sauna a swim a walk by the sea???? Think about a part time job when things settle. Something you might enjoy that might get you out of the house.
Ever thought about the counselling service????????????
But most of all look after youself .
bro
Hi Staci
I am so so sorry to hear your news.
It is hard for me what to say as I doubt anything anyone says can make it even a little better. I feel so useless especially after all the support you gave me.
I don;t actually know your situation, as in how many times you have tried but whatever it is a -ve is so heartbreaking.
You must just pamper yourself and your DH. Do as much as you can for now to occupy your mind and to look after yourself. Take time to think what you want to do next.
I had 4 -ves with iui and by the last two I wasnt really feeling like it was going to work. Suddenly now doing IVF i was surprised to get +ve. However, we had decided to try a few more times if it didn;'t work. Every one is different though and you will know what is best for you.
I am so sorry
Tania
I am so so sorry to hear your news.
It is hard for me what to say as I doubt anything anyone says can make it even a little better. I feel so useless especially after all the support you gave me.
I don;t actually know your situation, as in how many times you have tried but whatever it is a -ve is so heartbreaking.
You must just pamper yourself and your DH. Do as much as you can for now to occupy your mind and to look after yourself. Take time to think what you want to do next.
I had 4 -ves with iui and by the last two I wasnt really feeling like it was going to work. Suddenly now doing IVF i was surprised to get +ve. However, we had decided to try a few more times if it didn;'t work. Every one is different though and you will know what is best for you.
I am so sorry
Tania
O babe - I really fel your pain 
If its ANY consolation - I could have written what you have written a year ago when I had my first -ve. There are SO many things to say.....
1. Dont give up - MOST of us had at least one -ve, it ABSOLUTELY does not mean that you should give up - especially as you have frosties
. There are so many girls who get PG using their frozen embryos. I dont think you can assume anything about the probability of them working from getting -ve this time. IT IS A NUMBERS GAME....ITS FLIPPING A COIN , I really do believe this. You will get lucky - you just have to keep going.
2. Feeling as tearful as you do is also COMPLETELY normal - firstly remember you are still packed full or hormones - they WILL take some weeks to work though. I just found I was all over the place- one minute thinking I was fine and just relieved that all the waiting was over and then the next totally devastated and unable to function. As the girls suggest -a holiday (and in my case oddly enough a MASSIVE fight with my DH), help. PLEASE dont feel you are going through this alone, even if you feel like you DH doesnt understand(he probably partly doesnt -at the end of the day I think its really the girlies that take alot of the pain on this one) and I'm sure he partly does - but if he's anything like most blokes he might be doing a bit of head in the sanding!
Let me reassure you though - in time you WILL feel better - you cant believe it now - but you do, its incredible....and you'll start thinking about go number 2.
3. One other thing - you mention your job (or lack of) - WHO CARES?!?! WHY start beating yourself up about that now?!!!! Do NOT - i repeat- DO NOT - start giving yourself a hard time about EVERYTHING in your life just because this one thing hasnt gone right....I did the same, and someone gave me very good advice-NOT TO! Try if you can to keep this PIG issue in its own box and try not to let it infect every other part of your life. Get a job if it makes you feel better, but if you dont need or want to then dont. Its your life. Go to lunch/ shopping/ gym - whatever makes you feel happy.
4. I lied - i have one more thing to add ! -a warning, you will feel sensitive around SOME people who are pregnant or with children, especially those who are insensitive - and BOY are they out there. CUT them out. Probably slightly contraversial advice, but i have friends with kids who I love and they realise my situation and are just lovely and I dont resent them or their rampant fertility (
) at all -I have others who just make me feel like shit....and over the last year I have realised I just have to not see them. dont feel bad about it. IT ALL ABOUT SELF PRESERVATION
Well - here endeth the lesson!!
Sorry its so long - but I really feel for you - and have ABSOLUTELY been there (we all have), and I PROMISE you will see the light !
Cazxxxx
ps- if all else fails , just get pissed!
If its ANY consolation - I could have written what you have written a year ago when I had my first -ve. There are SO many things to say.....
1. Dont give up - MOST of us had at least one -ve, it ABSOLUTELY does not mean that you should give up - especially as you have frosties
. There are so many girls who get PG using their frozen embryos. I dont think you can assume anything about the probability of them working from getting -ve this time. IT IS A NUMBERS GAME....ITS FLIPPING A COIN , I really do believe this. You will get lucky - you just have to keep going.2. Feeling as tearful as you do is also COMPLETELY normal - firstly remember you are still packed full or hormones - they WILL take some weeks to work though. I just found I was all over the place- one minute thinking I was fine and just relieved that all the waiting was over and then the next totally devastated and unable to function. As the girls suggest -a holiday (and in my case oddly enough a MASSIVE fight with my DH), help. PLEASE dont feel you are going through this alone, even if you feel like you DH doesnt understand(he probably partly doesnt -at the end of the day I think its really the girlies that take alot of the pain on this one) and I'm sure he partly does - but if he's anything like most blokes he might be doing a bit of head in the sanding!
Let me reassure you though - in time you WILL feel better - you cant believe it now - but you do, its incredible....and you'll start thinking about go number 2.
3. One other thing - you mention your job (or lack of) - WHO CARES?!?! WHY start beating yourself up about that now?!!!! Do NOT - i repeat- DO NOT - start giving yourself a hard time about EVERYTHING in your life just because this one thing hasnt gone right....I did the same, and someone gave me very good advice-NOT TO! Try if you can to keep this PIG issue in its own box and try not to let it infect every other part of your life. Get a job if it makes you feel better, but if you dont need or want to then dont. Its your life. Go to lunch/ shopping/ gym - whatever makes you feel happy.
4. I lied - i have one more thing to add ! -a warning, you will feel sensitive around SOME people who are pregnant or with children, especially those who are insensitive - and BOY are they out there. CUT them out. Probably slightly contraversial advice, but i have friends with kids who I love and they realise my situation and are just lovely and I dont resent them or their rampant fertility (
) at all -I have others who just make me feel like shit....and over the last year I have realised I just have to not see them. dont feel bad about it. IT ALL ABOUT SELF PRESERVATIONWell - here endeth the lesson!!
Sorry its so long - but I really feel for you - and have ABSOLUTELY been there (we all have), and I PROMISE you will see the light !
Cazxxxx
ps- if all else fails , just get pissed!
Thanks everyone. I really don't know what I would do without all of you! I'm so glad I found this board and I will probably keep hanging out for awhile although I'm not sure where I fit in at this point since I'm between treatments.
Last night DH and I ended up going bowling (of all things) which was therapeutic in the sense that I got to throw something as hard as I could all night. We had a few drinks and I stopped dwelling on things so much. It was actually the first night he and I have done something fun together outside the house since I started the whole IVF procedure. Everything was going well until we went out to dinner afterwards and a couple with a newborn had to go and sit down right behind us, placing their baby right within my line of vision. Of course, my eyes started to water up and I had to struggle not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant. DH just looked at me and said "things are going to be all right." I was surprised he had even noticed what was going on. Anyway, he has actually been very understanding and great about things. I know he is quite upset about the -tive as well but just not letting it show as much so as not to make me feel worse. Anyway, I started thinking how fortunate we are to have each other and our health. There are certainly worse things in the world that happen to people. So, while I'm still not exactly feeling what you'd call cheery, I'm at least thinking a little more clearly now and starting to look forward to transferring the frosties once my body is ready for them.
Caz,
Thanks so much for your good advice. I know how much you had been through before having things work out (boy did you ever deserve that BFP!). I know it partly just comes down to having some luck even when everything goes well. I mean just looking at the people on the April board, there was kind of like a 50/50 split between those it worked for and those it didn't. Hopefully, I'll fall on the lucky side next time around.
Tania,
I hadn't realized you had tried several iui's before IVF. I'm very happy the IVF worked for you! They sent us straight to IVF due to the severe male factor so this was really our first attempt at anything. I guess maybe it would have been too lucky to have things work that quickly.
Bronagh,
I have definitely thought about counseling...especially since we've moved recently and I don't have any friends in the area to talk to. It is probably a good idea and I may call a few places next week. Hey, I saw on another thread that you finally finished downregging and got started. I hope things are going well for you so far!
Sam & ShellD,
Thank you both for the kind words and taking the time to write.
Dana,
Good luck with your cycle! I guess I'm not the only person on here in the USA. I am in Florida (right near Orlando).
Staci
Last night DH and I ended up going bowling (of all things) which was therapeutic in the sense that I got to throw something as hard as I could all night. We had a few drinks and I stopped dwelling on things so much. It was actually the first night he and I have done something fun together outside the house since I started the whole IVF procedure. Everything was going well until we went out to dinner afterwards and a couple with a newborn had to go and sit down right behind us, placing their baby right within my line of vision. Of course, my eyes started to water up and I had to struggle not to start crying in the middle of the restaurant. DH just looked at me and said "things are going to be all right." I was surprised he had even noticed what was going on. Anyway, he has actually been very understanding and great about things. I know he is quite upset about the -tive as well but just not letting it show as much so as not to make me feel worse. Anyway, I started thinking how fortunate we are to have each other and our health. There are certainly worse things in the world that happen to people. So, while I'm still not exactly feeling what you'd call cheery, I'm at least thinking a little more clearly now and starting to look forward to transferring the frosties once my body is ready for them.
Caz,
Thanks so much for your good advice. I know how much you had been through before having things work out (boy did you ever deserve that BFP!). I know it partly just comes down to having some luck even when everything goes well. I mean just looking at the people on the April board, there was kind of like a 50/50 split between those it worked for and those it didn't. Hopefully, I'll fall on the lucky side next time around.
Tania,
I hadn't realized you had tried several iui's before IVF. I'm very happy the IVF worked for you! They sent us straight to IVF due to the severe male factor so this was really our first attempt at anything. I guess maybe it would have been too lucky to have things work that quickly.
Bronagh,
I have definitely thought about counseling...especially since we've moved recently and I don't have any friends in the area to talk to. It is probably a good idea and I may call a few places next week. Hey, I saw on another thread that you finally finished downregging and got started. I hope things are going well for you so far!
Sam & ShellD,
Thank you both for the kind words and taking the time to write.
Dana,
Good luck with your cycle! I guess I'm not the only person on here in the USA. I am in Florida (right near Orlando).
Staci
Staci - so pleased to hear you sounding a bit cheerier. Things will just get a bit easier each day I promise. But dont be scared to blub if you need to! And keep coming on here!!
Take care -enjoy doing all the things you havent been able to do for so many weeks - wont be long before you're back in the saddle!!
Take care
Cazx
Take care -enjoy doing all the things you havent been able to do for so many weeks - wont be long before you're back in the saddle!!
Take care
Cazx
Staci
Just wondering how you were - Caz's advice is spot on as is the others so won't repeat it all.
I have had 5 tmts in all and a right roller coaster - the worst was the first as though realistically did not presume it would work you can't but help having hope - and mine was ectopic. Made worse by the fact that dh has children and I had to face them every other weekend and once in the week! Talk about slap in the face. Thought how on earth will I do another fresh cylce (had massive supplies of eggs but nothing good enough to freeze) hated all pg ladies and babies and fat men who looked pg!!!
But once the hormones settled down then I was back with a vengeance kicking ass!!!
My next was neg but this does not mean yours will be and as for the rest of my tmts well long saga but FROSTIES???? I got pg last time on frozen and am currently pg with twins on frozen and thought the same " why should it work on frozen and not fresh when frozen results are worse" I know someone who only can get pg on frozen!
Take some time out and I am sure you will find your fighting spirit again
Love
Tracey
xxx
Just wondering how you were - Caz's advice is spot on as is the others so won't repeat it all.
I have had 5 tmts in all and a right roller coaster - the worst was the first as though realistically did not presume it would work you can't but help having hope - and mine was ectopic. Made worse by the fact that dh has children and I had to face them every other weekend and once in the week! Talk about slap in the face. Thought how on earth will I do another fresh cylce (had massive supplies of eggs but nothing good enough to freeze) hated all pg ladies and babies and fat men who looked pg!!!
But once the hormones settled down then I was back with a vengeance kicking ass!!!
My next was neg but this does not mean yours will be and as for the rest of my tmts well long saga but FROSTIES???? I got pg last time on frozen and am currently pg with twins on frozen and thought the same " why should it work on frozen and not fresh when frozen results are worse" I know someone who only can get pg on frozen!
Take some time out and I am sure you will find your fighting spirit again
Love
Tracey
xxx
ttc 9 years. 38 yrs old, dh 8 hrs younger!First IVF in Aug 2002 and had ectopic.2nd IVF neg.3rd FET and negative.4th FET and positive but sadly lost our little boy at 20 weeks.5th FET and Alice Isobel and Emily Charlotte born 5th Aug 2004!
Hi Caz,
Thanks for checking in on me. I've been keeping an eye on the boards to see how everyone else is doing. Kind of miss everyone!
I am holding up. I've just been trying to keep very, very busy. I thought I'd have problems today after DH went off to work but I went outside and cleaned all our patio furniture and am now cleaning the inside of the house...basically catching up on everything that I let go over the last month. The power of caffeine is amazing after you haven't had it for a month!
The only thing is I'm finding myself avoiding talking to family members/friends. I still haven't talked to any of them on the phone. I'm just afraid that they'll start talking about the whole issue and that it will get me upset again. Would have been easier if we didn't tell so many people.
I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic about the frozen embies. Just not sure when I'll be brave enough to actually try using them. Part of me wants to try ASAP but I also feel like I need to hold onto them as a sort of security blanket that there is some hope left.
How are you feeling? Are you pretty much going about life as normal or are you paranoid about every little thing? Just asking because I'm pretty sure I would fall in the latter category!
Anyway, I hope you are doing well. Stay in touch!
Staci
Thanks for checking in on me. I've been keeping an eye on the boards to see how everyone else is doing. Kind of miss everyone!
I am holding up. I've just been trying to keep very, very busy. I thought I'd have problems today after DH went off to work but I went outside and cleaned all our patio furniture and am now cleaning the inside of the house...basically catching up on everything that I let go over the last month. The power of caffeine is amazing after you haven't had it for a month!
The only thing is I'm finding myself avoiding talking to family members/friends. I still haven't talked to any of them on the phone. I'm just afraid that they'll start talking about the whole issue and that it will get me upset again. Would have been easier if we didn't tell so many people.
I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic about the frozen embies. Just not sure when I'll be brave enough to actually try using them. Part of me wants to try ASAP but I also feel like I need to hold onto them as a sort of security blanket that there is some hope left.
How are you feeling? Are you pretty much going about life as normal or are you paranoid about every little thing? Just asking because I'm pretty sure I would fall in the latter category!
Anyway, I hope you are doing well. Stay in touch!
Staci
Tracey,
Thanks so much! I am starting to feel more optimistic about the frosties but, of course, don't want to get my hopes up too much either.
You were actually one of the people I was thinking of when I was talking about how strong some of you are....that you can keep trying again. It did eventually work for you which is very encouraging. It sounds like you had even more difficult issues to deal with but were able to keep trying. I hope that my outlook on things will change with time and I'll get the confidence I'd need to give it another go if necessary. I'm worried about giving up and looking back one day and thinking one more try might have changed my life. So many unknowns.
Thanks for supporting all of us who are still trying.
Staci
Thanks so much! I am starting to feel more optimistic about the frosties but, of course, don't want to get my hopes up too much either.
You were actually one of the people I was thinking of when I was talking about how strong some of you are....that you can keep trying again. It did eventually work for you which is very encouraging. It sounds like you had even more difficult issues to deal with but were able to keep trying. I hope that my outlook on things will change with time and I'll get the confidence I'd need to give it another go if necessary. I'm worried about giving up and looking back one day and thinking one more try might have changed my life. So many unknowns.
Thanks for supporting all of us who are still trying.
Staci