I'm going nuts. For the first time since I can remember, I've spent the ENTIRE day lounging around my house. In sweats, no bra, doing a little laundry and changed my sheets but otherwise being a total bag of ultimate LAZY. It feels great. I made noodles and grilled cheese for lunch and exquisite beef steak tacos for dinner. Had a good appetite today and took advantage of it!
I've kept myself busy and distracted and thankfully tomorrow is work. However, I can't help but think...
Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Then Ultrasounday.
When I got my date for the ultrasound it was 18 days away. Time.has.flown. Before I know it I'll be walking down that cool hallway in my stupid hospital gown, facing what will either be a wonderful moment or a full speed head on with an unbelievable truth. They always make David wait outside while they do the first part. I don't want to be there alone when I learn the truth this time. I'm going to ask them to bend the rules.
Last time, I didn't even let them go and get David. I just got dressed and gathered him as I walked by the waiting room. He was bewildered and confused and I couldn't speak until we got into the parking lot. Last time, I still had doubts, but he didn't. He was so sure.
I am eager to get this ultrasound. I'm exceptionally hopeful. However. It's been three solid years of climbing the ladder of hope only to fall hard again and again. Sometimes the climb isn't very high, and the fall isn't very painful. Sometimes, the climb is huge... and so is the hurt.
So anyhow. Although I have every reason in the world to be exceptionally optimistic, and in all honesty, I am exceptionally optimistic - I am not so ignorant or uneducated as to think that this is a sure thing. Part of me has to form some small protective film over my brain, heart, sanity. It's something I've learned to do. It's a survival mechanism. Thing is, I don't want to do it this time. I want to walk into that room as innocent and hopeful and full of joy as possible. I don't want a film over that hope. I don't want to let go of how good this feels... to let some dark fear creep into my psyche seems like letting bad energy into my world.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a long, relaxing day with my own company.
