Newbie looking for support...devastated first IVF Failed

[babyforme]

Hi everyone,
I finally got the courage to post. I've had a rough couple of weeks dealing with depression, anger, sadness and everything else in the book. I've suffered from ovarian cycts and endometriosis since the age of 19. I am now 37. I've had 5 laparoscopies, and one hysteroscopy, one functioning tube and FSH 19 (only tested once) with no meds. I've been TTC for 4 years with my fiancee (1 IUI and 1 IVF) and also had TTC naturally with my ex husband for 5 years and never pregnant. I spent the last year or so preparing for this most recent IVF (2 surgeries and detoxed from migraine meds since June). We knew that this would not be easy but also had never tried IVF, we were hopeful and excited. I received my negative result 2 weeks ago and I am devastated and don't see any improvements in my emotional state. The post-op with my RE was horrible, we walked in looking for a glimpse of hope to hold onto, a go head to maybe try again, instead all his responses were generic, vague and general. He was negative and it was evident he was trying to steer me away from trying again. My problem he says is my eggs, low ovarian reserve, despite the fact that he was aggressive with my protocol. We were under the impression that the first time is like a test run and surely i would do better the second or third, right? But not according to our RE who told me I may not even have any eggs this next time around and I would be gambling. No offer to change my protocol, every question we asked was shot down with "I cant guarantee anything". There's alot more but I don't want to ramble. I feel helpless, and broken don't want to talk or see any of my friends or family. I feel like no one understands me. I've had a few tell me to just accept the hand that God has dealt me, and it infuriates me as they sit there with their children. They will never know the pain. I'm afraid of losing my closest friends over this and afraid of my depression affecting my relationship with my fiancee who has been amazingly supportive. But I feel like I'm dragging him down, he's picked up ok and now visiting with friends as I'm still trying to cope and miserable. Will I ever be able to conceive? Do I have hope?


*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Age 37:
DH: 40
Ovarian Cysts/Endo since 1992
5 Laparoscopies
Right tube clipped
Low Ovarian Reserve
Sperm Morphology Issues

IVF #1 (Oct 2010)
20 u Lupron, 450 U Follistim, Medrol, Estrace
3 Eggs Retrieved
1 Grade 2 Fertilized and Transferred
Negative

[Sunshine1576]

Babyforme,
I can relate to feeling defeated, as our first IVF didn't work for us either. We too were so hopeful in the beginning, but the more we look at the whole picture there's more to the puzzle. As much as we've all sacrificed, I feel we shouldn't have to give up to something that means so much to us! Maybe there might be another specialist that you could get a second opinion from? Doctors go by trial and error, so it surprised me too when he pretty much "threw in the towel" especially after all the surgeries and procedures you've already been through! Could it be that he didn't want to hurt the clinic's success rate, nevertheless I feel that this doesn't mean you should give up!

TTC with IVF is like gambling, but what do you have to lose? There are so many options out there, and you have the resources, it's just now all about finding the right doctor, a specialist who is willing to try other things. As for your fiance, don't let the emotions tear you two apart. Share with him your feelings of course but let him know how much you appreciate his support and being there. Prepare a nice dinner for him and be creative, maybe even give him a nice bubble bath. In so many ways this could even bring you two even closer.
In the meantime, treat yourself to something nice. Go ahead, you deserve it! Just know we are surrounding you with much love and support!
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Sending over some sunshine your way!

[babyforme]

Hi Sunshine,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, I sincerely appreciate it and am feeling better already. It's great to know there's women out there who totally understand, and can relate on a personal level. I'm so sorry to hear about your failed IVF It's mind blowing to know how difficult this process is in every aspect, and we are enduring so much, I can only imagine how strong this is making us.

I managed to do some research with the recommendation of a good friend and am thinking of getting a second opinion from CCRM in Colorado, however if we choose to do IVF there (if I'm a candidate that is) that plan may have to wait as our insurance doesn't cover that clinic and the cost is rather steep.

For now, I'm seeing an acupuncturist and taking herbal supplements and hoping that helps. I've read good things about this acupuncturist/herbalist in SF, so I will give her a shot. Despite these attempts to "not give up" I sometimes have moments of "will this ever work"? Am I wasting my time and money? but like you said "I have nothing to lose." I agree, it was very evident our RE was protecting his clinics reputation and their success rates..very disheartening..I hope that CCRM could help us, I hear they deal with challenging cases.

This process has definitely been a struggle for the both of us and agree it will bring us closer together and stronger..thank you for the bubble bath recommendation, I'm sure he would love that!

I can't thank you enough for sending some sunshine over my way

So glad I found this forum, I can finally vent and people actually understand!

Hugs

[Sunshine1576]

Hi Babyforme,
I feel this too is making us stronger, but also glad we're not alone in this crazy journey! My dh asked me this morning on the way to church if I thought I might can have $3 - 4,000 saved by February. Our next procedure will be in February but will run around $8,000 and he said the last thing he wants to do is put it on a credit card. I reminded him that Christmas around the corner... Maybe I need a list, A good budget and possibly a psychologist to keep me from loosing my mind!

The question is how can we guarantee that next cycle will work? I cannot help but remember what my doctor told us... "That in life, there are no guarantees but if we want to be parents we have to press forward and keep on trying." The question my doctor asked us was "Do we have that endurance? Is this something we really want?" All I know is, it's at times emotional, but anything worth having in life is not meant to be easy. We just cannot give up on our dreams!

We know all the sacrifices will pay off, but at the same time I don't want to put us deeper in debt. I wish we had a clinic that accepted my insurance, making everything a little bit easier on us, but maybe we can use this to our benefit next tax season-- motivating us to get everything turned in early this year! I know getting pregnant is priceless, and this is much more important to us than anything in the world, but we have to also be realistic, remain positive and find some creative ways to make it happen!

BTW, I may not respond to everyone, but I love reading everybody's post! Something I read from SdTrying was about the Home Conception Kit. I thought why not? For a 3 month supply it cost somewhere around $25-$50 and the best part, it's FDA approved! It contains everything you need from the ovulation predictor kits (opk), the cups (holds the sperm in place close to the cervix from 4-6 hours) and the kit even contains some home pregnancy test. Personally, we spend around $30 just for the opks and even the hpts run close to that, so thought this might be worth looking into!

I'm also interested in the herbal supplements? Right now I'm just taking the TWINLAB Pre-natal Care vitamins, which delivers 22 nutrients. Everything is natural--so NO upset tummy-ache, plus they are so easy to swallow compared to One-A-Day. The vitamin shop has alot to offer, but it's good to hear everyone else's input.
Take Care of You-
Sunshine

[karenvancouverisland]

hi babyforme... my heart broke reading your post. you so reminded me of me, after our first failed IVF.. it was cancelled early as i responded so poorly. i begged them to proceed, and they said it would be unethical to take my money. i don't know what they saw that first u/s, but i think it was just one follie.. he said 'it's as if you're on no medication at all'. gawd. that was a rough day. THEN they discovered i had high FSH..

i was switched to a flare protocal (no down regging, as there's no point with my body), 450 ui of gonal F daily.. only made 2 big follies (plus 3 puny ones)... they again, suggested cancelling, and that i switch to donor eggs. well my gut told me not to cancel, so went spent the additional 5500 $, and i got pregnant. pardon my mouth, but it was a f*&cking miracle. i shocked the clinic and was quite smug. good early u/s. then i had a m/c at 12 weeks. FML.

but ironically it gave me the courage to continue, as my body had got PG once. ....so then i heard of DHEA. it's a steroid being researched for women with high FSH.. i took it on the sly as my clinic didn't agree with it. so i made 10 follies (9 eggs, 7 mature, 5 fertilized, 4 developed into embies) - MUCH MUCH better numbers.. and i got pregnant and have the most beautiful son you'd ever imagine.

please don't lose hope, but be a strong advocate for yourself. many clinics don't like treating 'difficult cases' cause we bring their statistics down if we 'fail'.... google the NY center for human reproduction and check out their literature on DHEA, research it yourself. keep getting your FSH tested.. it may go down. it can fluctuate. i'm taking DHEA for 3 months before i cycle again.

best of luck, and hugs to you.. this is soo hard. 2 of my friends just got pregnant and i feel defective cause i'm not.. and i feel this way and i already have a child. that, to me, is crazy.

the way i've based decisions on fertility treatments is - "can i live with myself if i don't follow through/ try again"... "will i live with regret if..."

[babyforme]

Hi Sunshine,
We are in he same exact situation, I know exactly how you feel. We are also trying to figure out when we will have another $12,000 for our next cycle. I feel so desperate sometimes i just want to pull money out of my 401K..he's always reminding me how we need to be wiser about our finances and doesn't want us to end up in a financial hole. I completely understand that, but all the while I keep thinking the longer we wait, the worse off we are Sometimes I wonder why can't we just get pregnant over a bottle of wine like many women do (I remember reading that in someone's blog once) imagine that- an $8.00 bottle of wine and you get a baby, unbelievable. Some women don't know how good they have it!

I agree that saving money during the holidays is super tough, maybe we can limit gift giving to kids and immediate family only, or just kids? His family usually do the Kris Kringle thing, that might also be a great idea..or heck snuggies for all this year..we want our baby!!

We're considering going back to our regular clinic even though he was insensitive prick, only because our insurance covers half and I'm incorporating the acupuncture and herbs and hopefully get better results. I definitely don't want to give up, but it's hard too when you have to dish out money you don't technically have. I like the quote from your doctor, "keep pressing forward and keep trying."..a great motto for us! We won't really know unless we try..what if the second time around we actually succeed, what a blessing that would be

The fertility acupuncturist I'm seeing right now provides herbs in the form of powder, (it might be a combination of different herbs) not sure what they are exactly. She has a wall full of bottles with asian symbols, she comes up with an individual treatment plan based on your needs, has her assistants mix and prepare them etc..I'll ask on my next visit and let you know. I have read in other forums that Bee Pollen, Royal Jelly, DHEA, Wheat Grass, COQ10, raspberry nettle tea, and fish oil all help with a woman's reproductive system, and you can get alot of this stuff from Whole Foods or health stores.

I never heard of the home conception kit, sounds great..going to google it right now! Thanks for the tip!

Hugs and blessing s babyforme

[babyforme]

Hi Karenvacouverisland,
Wow, what an amazing experience..so encouraging It just shows us that "we" know our bodies sometimes more than doctors even! I was just talking to Sunshine about not giving up, your story is very timely, thank you! Sounds like you and I had a similar protocol (450 ui of F) I only made 3 measly follies (one of which they thought might have been a cyst!) Can I ask you what down regging is? Is that suppressing? (I did 20 ui of lupron every night for more than a week or so) and continued it throughout my stims.

I'm sorry about your m/c like you said, at least it was a good indicator that your body was capable of getting pregnant. Not only did you keep trying, you took a risk and you succeeded..congrats on your beautiful baby boy, what a blessing. I've also heard of DHEA in other forums and have been curious..I'll definitely read that article. Can I ask where you bought the DHEA? I can't believe 9 eggs! O.M.G!! Could I also ask- at how may days you did your ET? And also what grade were your embies? Sorry for all the questions, gearing up with knowledge for my next cycle hopefully next year some time- God willing.

Thanks again for sharing with us your amazing story and I love that you took your fertility into your own hands and took some risks..and was rewarded! Definitely with your proven track record, I know you will succeed again and will be blessed, hang in here, sprinkling some baby dust on you

Thank you for all the tips and advice..I love this forum!

babyforme

[karenvancouverisland]

hi babyfm..

yes, down regging is suppressing.. they said it's just not necessary for me.. lol.. what's there to 'suppress'?? apparently my body's not doing much on it's own.

so last time i got DHEA from the health food store, but now the thing is to get it from a pharmacy that compounds or micronizes it.. so you need a prescription.

i've only ever done 3day transfers.. so my first pregnancy that resulted in m/c, (no DHEA), 1 embie was 'stage 2' (and i don't know what this means?) and grade A- . i can't remember how many cells it had divided into.
the other embie was only a 2pn (hadn't divided much) and therefore was ungraded.

my DHEA cycle= so the 4 embies were: two grade A- , stage 7 and stage 6. (ugh, i should really have notes of what that means!?) and two grade B's.. were frozen. i know from the recent thaw that one was 6 cell when frozen and thhe other was 4cell. when they were recently thawed- the 6 cell immediately grew into an 8 cell, and stayed grade B, but the 4 cell didn't grow and started to look funny and went down to grade C.. they didn't have much hope for it doing anything.

i'm glad you love this forum. it is seriously a life-saver. i was so distraught 2-3 years ago and found it and i swear it kept me sane. i've met some amazing women on here and i'm really glad to meet you too and give you any information i can help you with.. take care and ttys. karen

[karenvancouverisland]

hi babyfm..

yes, down regging is suppressing.. they said it's just not necessary for me.. lol.. what's there to 'suppress'?? apparently my body's not doing much on it's own.

so last time i got DHEA from the health food store, but now the thing is to get it from a pharmacy that compounds or micronizes it.. so you need a prescription.

i've only ever done 3day transfers.. so my first pregnancy that resulted in m/c, (no DHEA), 1 embie was 'stage 2' (and i don't know what this means?) and grade A- . i can't remember how many cells it had divided into.
the other embie was only a 2pn (hadn't divided much) and therefore was ungraded.

my DHEA cycle= so the 4 embies were: two grade A- , stage 7 and stage 6. (ugh, i should really have notes of what that means!?) and two grade B's.. were frozen. i know from the recent thaw that one was 6 cell when frozen and thhe other was 4cell. when they were recently thawed- the 6 cell immediately grew into an 8 cell, and stayed grade B, but the 4 cell didn't grow and started to look funny and went down to grade C.. they didn't have much hope for it doing anything.

i'm glad you love this forum. it is seriously a life-saver. i was so distraught 2-3 years ago and found it and i swear it kept me sane. i've met some amazing women on here and i'm really glad to meet you too and give you any information i can help you with.. take care and ttys. karen

[babyforme]

Hi Karen,

Thank you so much for sharing the details of your amazing journey, this is great encouraging information for me..we didn't have a grade 1 embie..we had a grade 2 and since it was our one and only embie, well you know how the story goes. But hoping that my next cycle will be fruitful with maybe some additional help as well Definitely going to look into DHEA!

Great meeting you here as well, thanks again for the great advice and tips, truly appreciate it!

ttyl and take care!

babyforme

[chrisbaby]

i can so relate...i was so sure that our first cycle would work - l never contemplated otherwise. my cycle was cancelled almost before it started...i was so devistated!! we are now on cycle 4 and l realise that there is so much more to it than ivf. i started going to a natrupath and acupuncture who told me things l never realise - deficiencies in minerals can cause infertility - so have been having heaps of herbs, and we are onto cycle 4 - who knows....

try anything and everything!! and never loose hope..we will get there

[lt81]

Hi

My husband and I had our first failed cycle in September. We are still trying to decide whether or not to give it another go because the advice on DOR patients all seems to be so contradictory. Our clinic had us on an antagonist protocol (no suppressing) but I recently read that the low LH levels in a DOR patient at the start of the cycle before the antagonist drug is started can still be too high causing high testosterone levels which make the eggs unlikely to develop into viable embryos.

I will definitely look into DHEA.

Re christmas - we've told all of our family not to buy for us as we think we will be having another go at IVF so need to save and so not buying anyone any presents. They all seem fine with that.

We have our follow up appointment with the clinic on Tuesday this week so I'm interested to hear what they have to say about where we go from here but suspect they will want to increase the menopur.

[Sunshine1576]

It81,
Great idea about the gift-giving this year only factor is my dh won't let me tell my family what we're doing. It would be nice though since every year we have 8 nieces and nephews to buy gifts for. We see them once a year and it's not really fair that we don't have kids of our own to swap gifts with their kids. We just go with the flow, but wish we could just tell them how we truly feel and what we're going through. Maybe we shouldn't come home this year and use Skype like we did for Thanksgiving. Anyway I want to commend you for being upfront with you family!

[riogirl71]

I will second what Karen said and I took DHEA and my number of eggs doubled! I also did acupuncture, took COQ10 and my RE added Femara to my antagonist (ganirelix) protocol.

I also heard amazing things of CCRM, a girl I cycled with way back went there when she had all kinds of cycles canceled in her Chicago clinic, she did two cycles with CCRM in Colorado and brought home 3 babies!

Best of luck!

[waitingamiracle]

Hello,

As many that had gone through IVF and failed, I can relate to how devastated you are after reading your story. You are not alone, I am not alone either. Every time I got the negative results after 2 weeks of waiting, I felt at a loss, not once that I did not cry even though I told myself not to for the last few IVF that I went through... I still cry as the sadness is unavoidable.

Think positive my dear and pick yourself up and your fiance is the best support you can have if he is going through and belief it will eventually work. I had someone that I knew who had triplets through IVF and I say to myself, I will not give up until I have one, two or three... still hoping it will happen and I hope you will to...