Our 7th and last IVF cycle had been completed. I just knew it was a God thing that our embryos had been transferred back in on Mother' Day. I just had to be pregnant. How cool is that scenario? What a story that would be to tell our baby some day. When the call came that I was not pregnant, my world turned upside down. My dreams had been crushed that we would never have more children. Bryce would never have siblings, something I had dreamed for him for many years as I knew how precious my siblings are to me. He would be an only child. It was devastating. But God had other plans.
Over time, our hearts began to soften towards adoption, something neither Scott nor I had ever considered. It didn't take long to get excited about it and we set out to find someone to help. By God's perfect timing, the Putmans were friends with a local family attorney who had a heart for orphans and they introduced us to him. We put together our profile book and turned it in sometime in October. We were told to expect a year or two wait. But God had other plans.
In December, Scott left early from work one afternoon so we could beat the traffic on our annual family vacation to Disney. This was in the days before his job required him to carry a blackberry so he "never" had the need to call back in to work to check messages, etc. Something told him as we had just passed through Tallahassee to call his office to check his messages. He was shocked to hear a message from our attorney's office stating that they had been trying to get a hold of us and could we please call them immediately. We called them and they stated that somehow they had lost our cell phone numbers and his work phone was all they had and they were so glad we had called back. Had we not contacted them within the hour, they would have been forced to put our file to the back and call another family. They informed us that a birthmother had chosen our profile and that she was to give birth to a son who was to be born in February. Their question was "Do you want him?" Were they really serious? It was too soon. Was it really that easy? Yes, they were serious and YES we did want him!! As we went from park to park that week, this baby boy was all I could think about. Being so fresh out of our last IVF cycle, it occurred to me that the timing was very suspicious. Once back home, I called our doctor in Texas and confirmed with him that had our last cycle been successful, our biological baby would have been born within the same timeframe that this baby was to be born. Are you serious God??? That one really blew me away. How cool are you God and how perfect your timing. Yes, God did have other plans and now He was letting me see a small portion of His plan.
We immediately called all of our family and a few close friends. I asked Penny to let us share with everyone else at church when we returned home. That was super hard for her to keep a secret, but she did a great job.
Shortly after we got home, we had our last ladies Bible study brunch at Penny's house. I was thrilled to share our news with my closest friends in person. It's like telling everyone "I am pregnant" but really even more special. I will never forget the expression on Shirley Dickson's face. She started to cry, well, several of us did, and said "I am so happy for you, now my little one will have someone to grow up with". She was pregnant with Kenneth at the time and our boys ended up being 3 weeks apart and are to this day great friends. We waited to tell Bryce who was 3 at the time until after Christmas had settled down. He was so excited about the holidays that we thought this news might just put him over the edge. After we spent the holidays in Texas with family and a TDY added on to the end, we were finally headed home on Jan 9th. We had thought about our little boy for several weeks now and had planned to get back to FL, get into our spare bedroom, do a little redecorating, pull out all of our baby clothes and get ready. We had a short 5 weeks left. But God had other plans. It was now Friday, January 9th, and on our long drive home, we started to talk about him and how we wished we knew how his birthmother was doing, etc. So, we decided to call our attorney's office to find out if they knew anything. They informed us that she had been having some early contractions but was still about 5 week away and that they had gotten them stopped and sent her home. About 2-3 hours later, as we approached Hattiesburg, MS, they called to say that she had gone into full labor and that they were taking her in immediately to do an emergency C-section. Were they serious? How could this be? We had just been told everything was fine?? We immediately began to pray for our little boy and his mother. How scared she must be. How scared we were for her and for the baby. Had his lungs developed fully? Was he ready to face the world? He wasn't supposed to be born for another 5 weeks. But God had other plans.
I called Penny to tell her about it and told her how this scared mother wished for someone to be there with her in the hospital as she had no friends nor family who cared about her. Of course, I wanted to be there for her so badly, but couldn't as we were still about 5 hours aways. I asked Penny if she would go. She did not hesitate. I could not think of another person who would be more perfect for this opportunity. I knew she would take every opportunity she had to witness to this precious lady and to be that support and encouragement to her that she so desperately needed, just as she had been to me and so many other ladies in the past. At around 3:00pm, as we passed through Hattiesburg and were making our way to Mobile on Hwy 98, where the cell phone reception is really bad - we got a call, somehow, that our baby boy had been born and he was fine. He weighed 4 lbs 13 ounces and had been taken to the NICU for observation. HIs mother was fine. Praise the Lord!!! We could not get there fast enough. Had we gotten stopped for speeding, I would have insisted on a full police escort the rest of the way to PC.
It was at this time that our precious 3 year old Bryce found out that he was going to be a big brother. We literally turned off the movie he was so quietly watching and said "Hey Bryce, how would you like to have a baby brother?" He smiled and said "OK" and went back to watching his movie. It was priceless. Little did he know that this little boy was about to rock his world and change it forever. The rest of our trip home was spent deciding what to name the little guy. We joked around some after seeing bakery trucks with names on it, etc, and finally decided on Dean Nelson Miller. When we finally drove into town at about 8:00pm, we immediately went to the Putmans house and dropped off Bryce, changed our clothes and went to the hospital. When we got off the elevator, we were met by our attorney and Penny. Initially the birthmother did not want to meet us, but had changed her mind and now desired to. Penny had spent the last several hours with her as she came out of surgery so they took us both into her room. Were we scared? Yes! Would she like us? Would she change her mind? Was that the most awkward moment in Scott's life - ever? Yes! I immediately went in and scooped her into a big hug. It felt like a lifetime. I honestly don't even remember what I said to her and just hoped that I got out everything I had planned to say in my head. Things like "Thank you, you are so brave, what an awesome gift of love you are giving us, may God bless you all the days of your life, etc." Maybe Penny could shed some light there.
I thought I would be bawling, but I don't even remember crying. As a matter of fact, I remember thinking, why am I not crying? She asked what we had decided to name him and when we told her, she acted indifferent, like she didn't like the name much. She immediately wanted to take us in to see the baby. I don't remember for sure, but I think she had not held him yet. We wheeled her into the NICU and they gave him to her. She held him for a brief moment and then as she passed him to me, she said "Here is your Mommy and Daddy." What a perfect little baby he was. All wrapped up in one of those hospital blankets with a little cap on his tiny head. He was so little and so sweet. We fell in love immediately. How could we ever love another persons child as our own? Now we knew. Of course, it was still all surreal. I was still mostly in shock that everything was happening so quickly as I was not prepared at all. I hadn't expected him to come so early, I hadn't expected to miss his birth, I hadn't expected to meet the precious life who gave him life. But God had other plans. After a few pictures, which we will treasure and someday share with our precious baby boy, she slipped out to return to her room. We were told that he was very healthy and really only needed to stay in the NICU to grow. For this we were grateful. We stayed a little while longer and then headed home to dig through our attic to find clothes, blankets, and all the things that we had saved for our future baby. For those of you who know how much I love doing laundry late at night, doing that particular load at midnight was pure joy!! We barely slept that night and Penny called to invite us over for breakfast before we headed up to the hospital for his first feeding. As we sat with them and recalled the prior day, we talked about our new baby's name. Scott and Tim joked that Dean Dean didn't really fit as they had high hopes for our little one some day. Scott said all night he just didn't feel right about the name we had chosen, and that the name that had been stuck in his head all night was Ryan. (Funny that was the name on the bread truck that had passed us on the highway. Nothing like naming your child after a bread truck.) Penny breathed a huge sigh of relief and said "Yes" I like it too. It's not that she didn't like the name Dean but she like Ryan a lot better. So, as I was in agreement too, we changed his name that morning to Ryan Dean Miller. We headed up to the hospital to meet his birthmother once again as she wanted to be a part of his first feeding. I must be honest and admit that it was very awkward. We would see her in the hallway, etc and it was just such a different position to be in, one that I never in all my life imagined we would be in. But God knew all along and His plans were being revealed right before our eyes.
Over the remainder of that day, we stayed as much as we could feeding him every 3 hours and snuggling him the remainder of the time. He was so little and tiny that we felt as though we were holding a baby doll. Sunday morning rolled around, and we just could not wait to go to church to tell our church family our news. I remember calling the hospital before we left and being told that the birthmother had been in the night prior all during the night holding our precious baby boy. All I could think of was "Why God, would you bring us this far and then have her change her mind and want to keep him." Of course, I just could not imagine giving up a child like she was going to do but at the same time I could not imagine her changing her mind either. Was I being selfish. Should he stay with the woman who gave him birth? How should I be feeling right now God? I was so torn. Maybe he should be with his biological mother? But still, God had other plans.
Again, I thank God that He gave me another glimpse into His plans and His big picture concerning this child and his future in His house that Sunday morning. Yes, we desperately wanted him to be ours, but it didn’t matter what happened to this little boy. This brave woman, his birth mother, gave him a chance at life. She did not listen to the world and abort him and how dare I judge her and her decisions at this point. I had no idea what she was going through. God had a plan for that sweet little baby and no matter what it was, God knew all about him and exactly what His plan was for this child. We went to church and as we and the Putmans sat in our usual spot on the 2nd row, Ken and Clay Brookins were lined up to sing the special music that day together. What a special time it was for them, Father and son, to sing such a special song. They had a video playing to the music and the very first picture was that of a tiny baby and the song they sang was "He knows my name". Here are the lyrics:
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
There was not a dry eye on that church pew that morning and now you all know why the tears flow as they do when we sing that song in church even to this day, over 6 years later. We stayed long enough to tell our Sunday school class our good news as they had been praying for us for so long. We left just after prayer time and headed back to the hospital. We were in the NICU feeding little Ryan when our attorney came in to greet us. I never will forget the smile on his face when he said to us “It’s a done deal.” What? We seriously had to ask him what he meant. He told us that he had just been in to see the birthmother and she had signed her termination of parental rights. It was a done deal. If it was a done deal, why was I feeling so many conflicting emotions? I was elated for us, but so terribly sad for her. How do you say goodbye to a child you have carried inside of you for so many months? I knew it was such a happy day for us and such a heart wrenching one for her. My prayers immediately went to God for her. Please bless her and comfort her I prayed. I knew my God was big enough to do just that. As she was discharged later that day, Penny and several of my friends had given her a gift bag with a personal Bible for her to take home with her. Hopefully the seeds that had been planted would some day bear fruit in her life. I think about this very brave woman often and pray for her on special days like Mother’s Day and Ryan’s birthday. We also learned that week why she had chosen our family to raise her son. She wanted him to have an older brother and wanted him to be raised in a Christian home. We fit that bill and God knew. He had a plan all along. What a sacrifice she made for him and for our family. I will always be grateful to her and the beautiful gift she gave to us.
Ryan stayed in the NICU for 10 days growing and gaining weight before they let him come home. What a joyous day that was. Was this an ordinary adoption? No. Do adoptions normally happen this quickly? No. Did God have a plan for our lives? Yes. Did God have a plan for this precious baby? Absolutely YES! We are part of that plan and I am so thankful that our faithful and loving God cares enough about Scott, Bryce and I (and the rest of our family and friends) to bless us abundantly and to provide us with this beautiful gift of love. Each and every time I look at him, I am amazed at how good God is!!! God is good, all the time!!! Why did we ever question Him?
Ryan has been in our family since the day he was born. We are his parents. We always wondered if we would ever be able to love another person’s child as our own, and as he has grown with us and our family, it has never been an option to treat him any differently than Bryce. We love them both as much as ever and we know that God gave them both to us in His own special and unique way. Does God still do miracles today? I say YES!! The conception of a child is a miracle in and of itself and He has given us 2 beautiful miracles. We have begun to talk about his adoption with him and are trying to make him aware of how he came to be a part of his family. As we watched our wedding video as a family last month, the topic of his adoption came up. He asked me if he grew in my belly and I told him no he did not. He then asked if he grew in Daddy’s belly? So cute!!! After he asked several more questions, he asked “Why didn’t she want me?” Well, that about broke my heart. I know his life won’t always be perfect or easy and he will always question her motives for giving him to us. He will always feel that “hole” in his heart that bears that question and longing to know. My prayer for him is that God will fill that hole with His love and he will never feel lonely, nor rejected, nor different, but that he will always and forever feel loved by us, his earthly family and ultimately by his heavenly Father.
I feel so lucky to be his Mother and yes, I do melt when he looks up at me with his beautiful eyes and raises his eyebrows repeatedly. His beautiful smile melts me every time too and he is one of the sweetest, most caring and loving children I know. I pray that someday he will become a great man of God. In the meantime, thank you God for giving me my little boy, Ryan.
Thanks for letting me share our adoption story with you. Sorry it was so long, but thanks for reading it. It is late so forgive me for any errors and I hope I remembered all the details properly. Adoptions are a beautiful thing and our family is living proof of that concept.