Am I the only one that feels this way???

[momwanttobe]

I just finished my 3rd fresh IVF. And another BFN. I get so tired of people telling me it will happen the God wants it to.. Ok I am a Christian but this infertility crap is making me lose my religion. Everyone says that babies are a gift from God, so what did I do for him not to want to give me one. What do 13 year girls and women on crack do to deserve them? Sorry if I offend anyone but as you can tell I am pretty $$$$ed off. I know it is my own fault for waiting this long to start a family but I have been married to the same man for 20 years, have never cheated on him, attend Church regularly and NADA... What am I doing wrong? Someone please tell me. Then it seems i join a thread and I am ALWAYS the only one who never gets the BNP. I just don't know how much more I can take. I need advice...

me 40 both tubes removed
DH 40 no problems
IVF #1 BFN
FET #1 BFN
FET #2 BFN
IVF #2 BFP Chemical
FET #3 BFN
IVF #3 BFN

[katieb1231]

UGH! I am so sorry but you are certainly in the right place we ALL feel that way.....I can't even watch the news anymore since every time I do some women abandoned their kid, beat them or raped them I mean really????? We finally met our dream of being parents through adoption and I love my little buglet more than anything in this world & would lay down my life for her...but I still would like to carry a baby and have another little one in our lives. I am so sorry but know this, you are not alone & we all feel that way. Rant away sister, this is a tough tough tough road & if you can't rant & ***** to us then who can you do it to? I just have to believe that this will happen for you & for all of us if it doesn't I don't know where to go with that. Take care & keep the faith, will you cycle again? Can you change doctors, change protocols? Or are you interested in other options, egg donors etc....Margi on the Winter Board found some great success in CA somewhere and the CCRM in Colorado has great success rates too...Try to keep your PMA up and let us all know when you need a jolt in the PMA direction....

[momwanttobe]

IVF #1 and #2, FET #1,2 and 3 were with FIRM in Jacksonville FL and IVF #3 was with RBA in Atlanta. I know when we schedule our follow up consult with RBA they are going to tell me to my eggs are crap. We will probably do 1 cycle with DE and then who knows. I have been told by several people that adoption agencies don't like couples who are over 40? We have not really researched that yet but might be in the future. Thanks for your post.

[annashope]

momwanttobe

I was just in your shoes and I can totally understand. Of all my friends and family I have always been the most devout believer (from Jax Fl) however infertility puts your faith through the gauntlet. I am so sorry you are going through this. As soon as I got married and decided to try having kids I was diagnosed with cervical cancer with invasion and the first 3 doctors I spoke to wanted to do full hysterectomy but we found a 4th doctor who was willing to save my uterus. DH and I prayed so hard and my cancer literally just disappeared and so we thought we were in the clear to start trying for a baby again only to find out that we had severe male factor infertility... I thought after my cancer that infertility was just a cruel joke so 3 years, 5 iui's and we finally saved up enough money for IVf only to end up with m/c.....both of my embies attached and then both stopped growing and I miscarried them both...I was heartbroken and my faith was weak...we tried adoption and donor embryos and literally failed at everything. I was so heartbroken and mad at God...I felt like I had friends that God pregnant and aborted and yet I so desperately wanted a baby and God would not give me a baby. The difficult choice for me came when I realized that I simply could not stop believing in God I believed in him and loved him but I was just angry with him....Then I realized that no matter what I could not stop trying to have a baby and so I had no choice but to keep trying and somehow while saving up money for another IVF we decided to try 1 more IUI this December and it just worked... I am so grateful for this opportunity to have this baby but I still wonder why it had to be so difficult.

I just want to encourage you that you are not alone and that it will happen to you and you will be a wonderful mom...I wish this never happened to good people but all I can offer is to keep you in my prayers and send you lots of patience, strength and hope

[katieb1231]

I don't know if that is true I was 39 & DH was 47 when we adopted DD they just really wanted a clean bill of health (we both had to have health checks to make sure we were healthy)...I think some agencies require that but most do not. You might want to check into fertility clinics that specialize in senior citizens like ourselves (hahaha) I don't even know if there are any like that but you might want to check we are in Utah our clinic was great but we never had a issue getting pregnant just staying pregnant seems to be what our issue is....we are having a FET in March on the 17th..do you have any frozen? Sometimes they say you have better luck with FET's since less stress??? I wish I had the crystal ball with all the questions answered, sometimes I think we are just setting ourselves up for another failure but we have to try...

[DALLAS]

I totally feel the same way. Just 2 days before this current m/c my best friend found out she was pregnant... 6 months! She was not even trying and had no plans of this right now. My co-workers 16yr old daughter just found out as well. I do feel like Im being punished. I am fairly young, 30yrs. Been with my husband for 11yrs.We want a child so bad. I cant help but wonder if God really doesnt mean for me to be a parent and he is upset with me for going against him and trying to use science to get around this plan.

[blairwh58]

momwanttobe- I know exactly how you feel...i think many of us on these boards go through the same things. I was raised Catholic but infertility really puts a strain on all my beliefs. I obviously disagree with the church about the use of infertility treatments, use of birth control....etc etc. It wasnt until we started going through all these cycles that I just couldnt come to terms with a god that would allow all this to happen. Many times we feel like we are being punished for some unknown reason. Its so hard to come to terms with the fact that we are good people who cannot seem to get pregnant by any means...yet there are some who continue to accidentally get pregnant over and over again only to have the rest of us footing the bills. Seriously, how can young girls, drug addicts, and unfit parents always get rewarded? My cousin had a one night stand, got pregnant with twins and didn’t even know who the father was until the babies came out. Just crazy how the world works sometimes. With our last IVF we had success, were pregnant, and then ended up finding out we were going to miscarry. To make matters worse we found out after I had miscarried that they wanted to do a D& C to clear things out…that same week DHs sister announced that even though they weren’t trying for another they were pregnant again. Now every time she gives us updates it reminds me that I was supposed to be 2 weeks ahead of her. Just know you definitely aren’t the only one who feels this way so don’t give up. Wishing you all the best.

[kerribell]

momwanttobe, I wondered many times before doing IVF why God did not want me to have a child. I don't think this is the case anymore than when a mother loses her husband and children in a car accident. Does that mean that God did not want her to be a mother anymore? The fact is that bad things happen to good people, and that is because there is sin in the world. It is how we handle these bad things that allows God to shine through us to other people. This may not be helpful to you, but it helped me.

Dallas, I've decided that God gave doctors the knowledge to help us get pregnant, just like he gave doctors the ability to perform heart bypass and the like to save a life. If we are going against Him by doing IVF, then so is every other person that has any surgery to save a life or undergoes chemo for cancer.

[jenice]

No you are not the only one. I had 2 tubal pregnancies tried one more time and had my DD. I hoped trying for a 2nd child things would be easier, ohhhh was I to be mistaken. It was so much worse. 3 years and 2 fresh one frozen 2 cancelled failed IUI and another injectable cycle plus a chemical from my frozen. I know you feel like a dark cloud is over you and nothing is going your way. Sometimes there is a rainbow underneath My 2nd fresh and it worked. Needless to say a very rough road through this pregnancy. I had a subchorionic hemmorage and was in the process of miscarrying this one. Just when the blood clot seemed to be goin away and we could relax my brother was murdered. Then I was worried the stress of everything would cause problems. Tomorrow I'm having a c-section and having a boy. I am soooo grateful that I have kids but will always wonder why did it have to be so hard ??? You never know what life is goin to give you. I think IVF makes you stronger emotionally to be able to deal with other crisis in your life, in mine with the murder of my brother. I waited so long to be pregnant and cried so much this pregnancy because of his horrible death. I know it is hard but try and think life can change in the blink of an eye and sometimes your dreams can come true

[summit]

momwantobe-
It is hard to understand why all of this happens... My husband and I have had three failed IVF cycles and my doctor has recommended discontinuing treatment unless we want to use DE b/c we will likely continue to see the same the results. I don't think that any of of us will ever make sense of why we cannot have children of our own. This whole process tests every part of your being emotionally and physically and we all have our bad days, our good days, and our really bad days. We all have our stories of teenage relatives getting pregnant or best friends, etc... Unfortunately, we cannot escape the realities of the world.

God does work in mysterious ways and even I wonder what his intentions are... I think that it is only normal .I also think that is important for all of us to remember that even though we are not moms we are all strong, amazing women who have lots to offer the world in our own special way. Stay strong and I am sure you will find as I have that the women on this site truly understand where you are coming from; so feel free to vent. I have also found wine to be a good source of stress relief!

best of luck to you,

[brit1612]

You are NOT alone in your feelings, we have all been there. I just thought I would share with you my story; maybe you will be encouraged to keep going. We have MFI, but my body has not reacted the way it should to meds,etc. So I guess you could say that we both have issues. We went straight to ivf, first cycle negative, second- miscarriage, third negative, fourth- miscarriage. At thus point we were very discouraged and knew we wanting to try something different. This is when I learned about donor embryos. I found a couple wanting to donate through miracles waiting, and before we knew it we had 8 good quality blast! We were spoon excited, I thought this would be an immediate fix, since our embryo quality seemed to be the problem. FIRST FET, another miscarriage! I couldn't believe it, now I was pretty convinced I could not carry a baby, but we had more embryos left so we could not give up. Next FET, we got pregnant and stayed that way!!! Our little miracle is almost one now and I would do it all over again. I hope my story shows you that no matter what you have been through, you can go on to have a healthy baby. Good luck on the rest of your journey, try not to lose your faith.

[DJ-BJ]

momwantobe

dont ever give up, maybe see other options..u can use DE, i did after i had 1 unsuccessful ivf using my own, i did not waste anymore money, time and emotion and went straight to DE. it doesnt make any difference whether they're your own eggs or not. i already love them, even if i've been so miserable with all the not so good side effects of pregnancy...but its all worth it...i have two now in my tummy and today at 18 weeks i will be checking out their genders...its makes you cry when u see them grow and move by ultrasound in your tummy...im so excited to see them soon and i dont care even if ive been throwing up, nose bleeding, no appetite to eat ....anything just as long as i have them....pray so hard...you will have your own soon...i will pray for u and for all other women struggling to have their own bundle of joy...

[karenvancouverisland]

so i'm one of the blessed people on here, i have a beautiful son... and i DON'T think it's cause i did anything right, special, or that god favored me.. i really don't know what to call it. and it's definatley not because i "finally relaxed and let it happen".. what a load of shit when people say this.

i'm so sorry you're going through these devastating times.. i believe there are no answers that can make sense to us. i do believe babies are a gift from god, but i don't believe that some people don't get them because they don't deserve a gift.. and sadly, i work with women who are drug addicted and they do get pg all the time.. it is not right, and does not make any sense..

i hope you find some peace throughout these very very hard times.

[Hopeful0621]

Thank you Momwanttobe, You have said everything that I have been thinking but afraid to say out loud. I feel that I try so often to hold in my emotions because I don't want people to judge me or pitty me. I do to sometimes think I am being punished for some unknown reason. But then I remember that Sh!tty things happen to good people. Good luck in your journey!

[MamaBoo]

I will share what my belief is. It is very different from some. I believe that God wants each of us to be mothers. However, I believe there is an evil force at work in the world. That power can attack in many ways to bring about evil deeds and destruction. One thing is through diseases including infertility. However, the Benevolent One is there to help us overcome. He has given us doctors and medicine. Sometimes there are cases of outright miracles that cannot be explained by science. Also, there are cases in which an unwanted child comes to a loving family through adoption. It is up to us to search and find the right path to our children. That is my belief. It is hard to keep faith through so many trials. However, I do try to remember that just because another person has received something that I have been trying to so hard to attain, that person did not take it from me to get it. And, when I get it, I will be certain to know how truly blessed I am.