Mother's Day... Childless

[brit1612]

I can remember a few years ago, before I had my little miracle, having such a terrible mother's day. We were in church and all they were talking about was the gift of being a mother. I kept thinking, do I not deserve that "gift" for some reason? Looking back I know that my time was coming, but I know that a lot of people will have trouble this weekend. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings, and that you will be one of the mom's celebrating one day.

[Sunshine1576]

Thanks for thinking of us Brit. The only two holidays dh and I don't participate in at church are Mother's and Father's Day, we find it easier to stay home only because it's way too emotional for us. I know this is only a perspective of how we feel, but dhs even feels some families only attend church to show off their family--it may seem that way, but we rather suffer alone and make this day all about the people we do respect and appreciate as we do for our own parents.It seems to help when we focus on the blessings we already have, because honestly I feel we have much to be thankful for. Sometimes it helps if I can keep that in mind, but I understand it can be tough to keep that momentum. Everyone has a unique way of coping, honestly sometimes denial helps me but then I look back and I wonder what happened to the last 10 years. Life is too short not to make something happen....

[brit1612]

Thanks for responding. You are smart to stay home. I always stay so mentally tough that I didn't even realize it was going to be hard. Maybe I was in denial like you said, but it just made it that much harder when the feelings would come rushing out. You're right that it can seem like people are just there to "show off", but I don't think most people have a clue that one person's happy holiday is someone else's worst weekend ever!

Just wanted everyone to know that we all face these feelings, and that there is a lot of support out here for you.

[Sunshine1576]

So true Brit, often people around us don't realize what we put ourselves through, and they have no idea how it makes us feel even when we're at a red-light behind their SUV and see all the stupid stick-kid stickers. Funny that when I was younger I used to love the car-signs that read "baby on board", used to think it was the cutest thing ever! But now I could never put one of those in my own car even if I had a baby, because I would always remember how it made me feel and I never would wish that upon anyone else.

Has our society really become just that-- competition? I really don't think alot of new parents realize what they have gotten themsleves into, because they are trying so hard just to fit in with society. Really?!? it must be a rude awakening, no sympathy from me... and please explain to me how can a crack-addict become a mom when we both know it's all totally messed up.
Sorry I'm venting, but I know so many here at some point have felt the same way.

Yes denial is something I have faced so many times, and have tried to be strong upfront, but one night my sweet husband found find me crying in my closet and that's when we moved up our first IVF 5 months earlier than planned. I mean he's someone who tries to fix everything and we REALLY believed IVF would work the first time. We spent everything we had in savings but got nada in return. It was devastating, & I was so angry that he had to pin me down to keep me from breaking anything else. So it's been a roller-coaster, there are some good days and then some not so good days that we have to stay away from even shopping at Target. Surprised I haven't gotten thrown out of Target yet, but you would be the first to know if it ever made the national news! Okay I'm officially delirious, but humor is the best medicine, I just need another shot!
Absolutely great support is why we keep coming back to this board-- you ladies are the best!
Sunshine1576

[brit1612]

You're right we are such a materialistic, competitive society. It is really pretty sad. But I honeslty think people don't do or say the things they do to hurt us, they just don't realize what it is like. Our society is also ignorant about how many people really face fertility struggles. 1 in 4 couples, that is 25% of us!!! But hardly any talks about it. That is why I have been so open about our struggles, I figure maybe I can educate someone, or give someone else a chance to talk about their struggles! Once you start talking to people, you begin to find that there are quite a few people around you that are facing infertility.

[jenice]

I remember feeling that way, never knowing if my dreams will come true. IIt is a horrible feeling the uncertainity. The majority of people I think who deal with infertility will have a child,whether it is through adoption or having a baby themselves. It took me alot longer than I would haved liked, but I have 2 beautiful children who were worth the wait. My advice keep trying and don't give up till you get what you want People are ignorant and don't understand how much infertility hurts. It is really hard sometimes to remind yourself how lucky and truely blessed we are, I know I always had ahard time with that.I would compare us to other people we know who would get pregnant so easily while we stuggled for years with treatments. I felt like I was being tortured and people we knew got pregnant having sex once with twins and had other kids @ home. All I wanted was to give my DD a sibling. I also struggled to have my DD.2 tubal pregnancies, 5 surgeries, endless procedures, endless clomid cycles, IUI, 2 cancelled cycles IVF one failed one, another miscarriage IVF. IVF definitely toughens you up, it is a crisis in your life never simplify it. I think you learn about every coping mechanism you ever had. Just when I thought this was the worst thing I ever had to deal with my brother was murdered. Now we have to deal with trial and seeing the murderers. So, you never know what life is goin to give you. Sometimes it can be super sweet and not so sweet. Hang in there

[brit1612]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Infertility seems like hell at times, but in all reality we should be grateful for the things and people who are in our lives.

I agree that most of the couples who suffer from infertility do go on to have children in one way or another. But it is really hard to see that end result when you are dealing with failure after failure. It does happen, so keep trying and try not to let what happens in other people's lifes bother you too much. Good luck with coping this weekend. Try to find something fun to do with your DH!

[Lifelove]

Why I hate Mother's Day
It celebrates the great lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without

I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother's Day. I didn't want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some annual display of gratitude that you have to grit your teeth and endure. Perhaps Mother's Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason to hate Mother's Day.

But Mother's Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman's path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is, sadly, true. An unhealthy mother's love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically happier, more fulfilled and complete. But the craziest, grimmest people this Sunday will be the mothers themselves, stuck herding their own mothers and weeping children and husbands' mothers into seats at restaurants. These mothers do not want a box of chocolate. These mothers are on a diet.

I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See's. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!" You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER.

It should go without saying that I also hate Valentine's Day.

Mothering has been the richest experience of my life, but I am still opposed to Mother's Day. It perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents. (Meanwhile, we know the worst, skeeviest, most evil people in the world are CEOs and politicians who are proud parents.)

Don't get me wrong: There were times I could have literally died of love for my son, and I've felt stoned on his rich, desperate love for me. But I bristle at the whispered lie that you can know this level of love and self-sacrifice only if you are a parent. We talk about “loving one's child” as if a child were a mystical unicorn. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly believe that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss. But in my experience, it's parents who are prone to exhibit terrible self-satisfaction and selfishness, who can raise children as adjuncts, like rooms added on in a remodel. Their children's value and achievements in the world are reflected glory, necessary for these parents' self-esteem, and sometimes, for the family's survival. This is how children's souls are destroyed.

But my main gripe about Mother's Day is that it feels incomplete and imprecise. The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat. I am the woman I grew to be partly in spite of my mother, and partly because of the extraordinary love of her best friends, and my own best friends' mothers, and from surrogates, many of whom were not women at all but gay men. I have loved them my entire life, even after their passing.

No one is more sentimentalized in America than mothers on Mother's Day, but no one is more often blamed for the culture's bad people and behavior. You want to give me chocolate and flowers? That would be great. I love them both. I just don't want them out of guilt, and I don't want them if you're not going to give them to all the people who helped mother our children. But if you are going to include everyone, then make mine something like M&M's, and maybe flowers you picked yourself, even from my own garden, the cut stems wrapped in wet paper towels, then tin foil and a waxed-paper bag from my kitchen drawers. I don't want something special. I want something beautifully plain. Like everything else, it can fill me only if it is ordinary and available to all.

Anne Lamott's latest novel is "Imperfect Birds."

Anne Lamott is the bestselling author of seven novels, including "Blue Shoe," "Crooked Little Heart" and "Rosie," and five works of nonfiction including "Grace (Eventually)," "Bird By Bird" and "Operating Instructions." Her new novel, "Imperfect Birds," came out in paperback in April 2011. She’s the mother of one son, 22, and a grandson, 2. More: Anne Lamott

[Sunshine1576]

Lifelove,
Before people start judging others, they should look into a mirror. I couldn't agree with you more on one thing......"It's parents who are prone to exhibit terrible self-satisfaction and selfishness, who can raise children as adjuncts, like rooms added on in a remodel. Their children's value and achievements in the world are reflected glory, necessary for these parents' self-esteem, and sometimes, for the family's survival. This is how children's souls are destroyed."

Some couples just want to feel part of the social group even at church they want to fit in....Ironically when they have children, their entire day-to-day routine will change, and it will no longer involve getting together with others every Saturday night, or playing tennis at the country club or taking the cruize that is unless you are fortunate to live 5 minutes from the in-laws but don't get me started on the in-laws raising the kids! It's not fair to them because that child shouldn't be their responsibility. The way I see it, people have children for the wrong reasons..It shouldn't be all about me as I know one couple too well that is all about "me" and not sure how they are still married. Because when a child comes into the picture that self-centeredness has to be broken and then they must re-evaulate why they wanted children so bad in the first place...But then it's too late!

Having children can seem like an obsession, but we shouldn't let it control our lives...Because as I said before life is way too short not to find happiness. I'm not saying give up on starting the family. I am saying have the family for the right reasons only so you can love that child unconditionally.

[MamaBoo]

The one thought I have to share about Mother's Day is that the US holiday was created by a woman who had no children of her own. She wanted a simple rememberance of her mother and all mothers.

[Sunshine1576]

Yes Mamaboo, you are right about this holiday-- Mother's Day should be all about our Mothers, Grandmothers, the people we love and honor. It can sound cynical when we just think about ourselves.... I also think a women's role should be more than just becoming a mother. She should be able to become a mother if she wants to, and live her life without being judged by others. Ultimately I think it's not right that so many good people we know are tortured, and life comes with no guarantees and we have no control over what happens next. But we have to trust that everything will in the end work out, it may just take a little more time to get there...As Jenice wrote "The majority of people who deal with infertility will have a child,whether it is through adoption or having a baby themselves." I really believe our time is coming!

[brit1612]

I never expected this thread to get such responses! I only started it thinking that the holiday would be hard on some of you. I know that it was hard for me at times. But I have to say that I don't think celebrating it makes you some kind of bad person. There are a lot of great mothers out there that could use some recognition, a day off, some appreciation, etc (including my own mom). Some hard working moms get overlooked and I don't see anything wrong with showing them a little appreciation. But I do agree that any mother figure or good person in your life should be celebrated, not just a "mother".

[katieb1231]

Just had to say the reason why I celebrate Mothers Day is..........My mom wiped my tears... Hugged me tight... Watched me succeed... Saw me fall... Cheered me on... Kept me going strong... & drove me a little crazy at times. But Moms are a promise from God that you will have a friend forever! If you have or had a wonderful mom you love...tell her today so she knows how special she is ♥

I will do the same for my daughter & hope she will do it for her babies if she chooses to have them and I don't feel I am guilting her into loving me on this day we make sure she knows the reason we celebrate this day is because of her.........Mothers Day is a celebration of families not whether you choose to have children or not.....if you are a alive then you are someones daughter or son whether you were born to them adopted by them or just loved by them in some way you are someones child....so I celebrate Mothers Day not just for myself but because I was born I made my Mother a Mother & she made her Mother a Mother & so on..........

[dodo928]

Brit: thanks for starting this thread. I've been waiting something like this. I have been participating to church and cheering other mothers for so many years. finally, i found out i'd never felt true to myself. i don't know why i have to do this to myself. i didn't participate the church this mother's day and i don't think we will participate in the coming father's day either.

[brit1612]

Dodo928- Your welcome! Sometimes I think we all suffer in silence and most "normal" people wouldn't really understand. That is why these boards are so great, they give us a place to share and support eachother. I have always been supportive of the other moms as well, but I did find myself keeping the distance from kids. I didn't even realize I was doing it at first. When all the other women would be taking turns holding someone's baby I would never ask for my turn, and typically I would just get out of "offering range". That way they wouldn't offer for me told the baby. I'm not sure what good this did me, and it wasn't even intentional. I guess it was my coping mechanism for staying "tough"!