PG with #2, struggling with guilt and hormones...

[karenvancouverisland]

hi all,

i'm blessed to be pregnant with #2, my son just turned 2 yrs old and he's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me.. it took a while for me to go from an "IVF preggo"- to finally feeling like a "normal mom"... but one residual effect i think i've experienced from such a hard journey to have kids, is feeling EXTRA guilty about 'normal' mom feelings- like wanting some time to myself or getting frustrated at DS's behavior/crying/teething at times..

i think most moms feel guilty about not being everything-all-the-time to their kids, but i think an IVF mom feels it a bit differently... i often expect myself to never feel frustrated, always be patient, and i guess be 'superhuman'..

anyways- here i am, preggo again, very blessed, BUT :
i'm hormonal, cranky, tired, body aches and pains, ect ect. and by the time dinner and bedtime comes around, i'm a troll, and this is, of course, when my husband gets home from work. so he usually only sees me at my worst.. making me feel even guiltier! i've been feeling angry at him for not being around more, as he often works late, and this is of course, to better our lives financially, and theoretically it all makes sense, but i just can't look that far ahead, i'm totally in the immediate- and i want help NOW!! i start by feeling stressed, then go to overwhelmed, sad, and then at some point i just get cranky and angry.. i work 3 days a week, and then doing dinner and bedtime by myself (often this is the case), just kills me, and on my days off work, i'm pregnant, lugging around a VERY active 2 year old, up and down off the floor a lot, picking him up, geesh- physically i'm exhausted!! i actually feel less physical pain on the days i'm at work cause i get a break..

so i cried through my son's bedtime stories 2 nights ago when i was home alone with him, and this morning, through fathers day, i cried for quite a while trying to talk to my husband about this... i feel just awful about myself.. we were having an honest conversation and he said "i'm sorry that our life together makes you feel so angry".... omg.. he didn't mean it as a 'dig' or anything, but boy it sure felt horrible to hear that kind of honesty about how i appear to him..

can anyone out their relate or offer words of wisdom? i almost feel like i should 'act phony' around my DH to prevent any more relationship stress between us, but that really goes against how much i want to have an honest, authentic relationship... i've resolved several times to be 'less bitchy', but other than that, i'm not sure what to do/ what i can do..

[Sunshine1576]

Karen,
I wish I could relate to how you are feeling, but it's really hard to imagine what you are going through. It would be selfish for me to say I wish I was in your shoes. We know from what we have been through in the IVF journey that it is a blessing to get pregnant again, it's something none of us here would ever take for granted. DH overworks to make everything financially better so his time at home is limited to help out. It sounds like the part time job is good for you in that you get a little break from your toddler who as it sounds in his terrible twos? Maybe it's all about getting in a routine but still it must be hard to do everything at home by yourself. Nevertheless there is nothing wrong in asking for help, do you have family nearby?

[klinger13]

Karen - i'm so sorry you're having so much stress and guilt during your second pregnancy. Is there a family member or perhaps a teen that could come over as a mommy's helper for a few hours a week to allow you to have a little "me" time? Sometimes just having a little time to yourself to go for a long walk, go out for coffee, to a movie, etc can be just what you need to unwind a little. Also, a professional to talk to (counselor, social worker) may be helpful to help you find strategies to deal with the emotions you're feeling or at least give you a place to "unload" so you don't feel like you're constantly unloading on DH. Hopefully things will improve soon but in the meantime you need to take care of YOU. ((HUGS))

[dys24]

I can totally relate! i was preggo with an active toddler just about 6 weeks ago when my second DD was born. I felt exhausted and tired and cranky and in pain by the time my first DD bedtime rolled around. The only difference between me and you was that i worked full time all week. Let me be honest it doesnt get any better the "more" pregnant you become the worst it gets unless you get help from family, friends etc. Unfortunately i have no family near me so it was all me. I did survive but it was stresful at times and i too was crying when it got really hard. For me crying was a good way to release the stress, also going out shopping or just getting out of the house was good too. Also, i would make my hubby stay with my DD#1 once a week so i can just get out and enjoy myself. Just keep remindning yourself that in couple of months you will be holding your precious baby, and it will all be ok. And then you will get no sleep again because of your newborn lol, but it will be ok trust me! they grow up way too fast.

[riogirl71]

Karen - I can totally relate! You have my personal email anytime you want to vent. I also feel guilty for being so overwhelmed while pregnant with #2 and so blessed. Also seeing that normal people do it all the time and even have 3 or more kids! I feel sometimes like I end up being a cranky wife and cranky mom. I work full time and my lunch time is spent going back home to care for the dogs and run back to work. DH used to work with me and we would leave in the morning together and have lunch together so I could take a break, he now took a new job and is not there in the mornings or lunch and later evenings. So I have to deal with the extreme meltdowns, wrestle a 2.5 yo to get him dressed while having to make sure the pups are taken care of. I have to run after the dog when he steals a baby toy and after DS when he steals a dog toy. I feel like I have to constantly watch them when I am home since DH is always busy with one house project or another. I also feel like all the cleaning is left up to me in my little spare time. I am exhausted, I hurt, it is hard to keep up with everyone and I can't sleep. Yes I do feel very blessed to be pregnant but unfortunately pregnancy is not kind to me, I have severe GD with insulin and I constantly crash when I forget to eat because I am busy and my insulin makes my sugars go too low. I feel like I should be able to handle all of this and not be so overwhelmed. But I am, I feel like I am trying to do too much and I still can't get it all done. DH had to get a new job and I understand he can't be there as much. But yes it is hard, very hard. I begged for a cleaning lady which he acts like I am pushing that on him, well as helpful as he is, I need more help and I begged for a cleaning lady once every two weeks as long as I am pregnant/new baby. If I don't do certain things in the house, they don't get done, I almost passed out alone with DS when I mopped the floors and my sugars crashed. So the floors haven't been mopped in 2 mos and look terrible. I guess I am just venting too. By no means do I ever forget that I am sooooo very blessed to have our son, have DH and be pregnant. But I do get tired, cranky and hormonal so you are normal -- unless I am crazy too!

[MamaBoo]

I can sooo relate to how you feel. I work full time and my dear sweet precious son can be so demanding when we're home. It can be so hard getting him to go to sleep at night. We don't have any family closer than 5 hours away! I had ms, and then I had pneumonia, and sinus trouble that won't stop, and a nasty cold sore that doesn't want to go away.

Your hubby should have been more understanding. Also, I think there is a difference in saying everything that pops into our heads, or how we feel at any given point in time and being honest with one another. Our feelings and emotions change constantly and what we honestly feel at one moment may not be what we feel at another time. You should be able to explain to your DH that you feel overwhelmed without him taking it personally. I love my little family, but there are times I could run screaming. It is not a critique of my DH it is just that I am soooo overwhelmed, and tired and sick, etc, etc. I do understand and am sorry that it is so hard at times.

[karenvancouverisland]

omigod i feel SOOO blessed to read these responses from you ladies who relate! it truly warms my heart that i'm not alone, and that we are NOT all trolls.... it's just human.. i think i knew this, i just needed to hear it again. my friend who has school age kids said to me once "no one will ever make you as angry as your own children'..... wow- it shocked me at the time, but she is an amazing, loving person, and i knew if she was saying that- that it just must be a human experience that even if you've done IVF, you'll still have.

things will get better in 2 weeks time when my DH's work slows down ..and it will stay slower (like 'normal' slow- 40 hours a week, maybe 45 some weeks, but holiday time in there too) for several months..

my mom already does 1 day a week daycare for us and she's in her 70's and is maxed out for chasing around a toddler. no other family near by. i'm much too overprotective to hire a teenager or anyone i don't know well to spend time with DS, it would not be a break for me, as i'd worry too much. my previous daycare lady i could hire for a few hours on weekends etc. to get a break, but she just had a baby, and i haven't found a replacement yet.. my new daycare person (aside from my mom) is not available for stuff like that.

the good news is that we will keep DS in daycare 2days a wk after baby is born, it was part of the deal of obtaining his new daycare spot (6 month committment) and now i'm so happy he'llhave that social/playtime for his needs, and i'll get some 'down time' with just me and baby.

being the primary cook puts undue pressure on me and i will consider ordering healthy take out more often... i was trying to avoid this to save money but this conversation puts into perspective that my sanity is more important.. housecleaning isn't too bad cause i can get DS to help me with some of it at this stage lol.. i'm sure that won't last..

ok. so now i'm going to go back and read all your responses again cause it felt so good to have that level of relating that i wanna feel it again!! thanks again, much love to you mamma's

[riogirl71]

I am 100% with SDtrying. DH just took a paycut and so did I but I think hired help is key. Even if you don't trust someone with DS - which we are like that too - you can have a teenager or someone play with him next to you while you get something done, or even read a book, remember it doesn't necessarily have to mean that you leave them alone with him. And while you have the baby and DS is home it might help to hire someone to clean or cook while you are home.

No we are not trolls but the expectations of modern life are too huge. We are supposed to have Martha Stewart's house, and look like Giselle Bundchen while working full time and caring for our children and being pregnant! I always laugh when I read about any celebrities talking about raising kids, I would love to raise my kids without ever worrying about the laundry, meals, cleaning or anything for that matter! I would be a much nicer person!

Hormones also get the best of us, I have been crying quite a bit over nothing. As moms we also feel guilt for everything! I even feel guilt for having a second child and not having DS get all the attention, guilt for not being able to have sex with DH, guilt for just about anything you can think of.

Yesterday I took off early from work and took DS to the beach, we sat there and had a picnic. It was really nice to be out with him and have some alone time with him. I was tired by the end of the day but felt recharged, try to find some activity or something to have fun with DS and let go of house duties. Order pizza some nights, if you don't eat that healthy a couple of nights a week right now, so what? Seriously... it is worth your sanity!

I am so glad you started this so we can all vent while being very grateful for all we have!