FEB / MARCH 2011 Cycle Buddies!! can't wait!

[to_have_fun08]

Wehavehope - I am so sorry.. your numbers were so good at first, i am surprised they went down.

[WeHaveHope]

I feel so absolutely devastated. My RE said that since we transferred two that there is a possibility that both implanted and that one was lost but the other one is still viable. I van tell you that I am trying really hard yo dig up just a little bit of hope but I have none. I feel like all has been lost and don't understand why we would be given this glimmer of hope to have it disappear. I guess I will never understand. I have another Beta tomorrow. Don't even know what for. Going to cry myself to sleep now. Please know that I am so grateful for each and everyone one you. Sending you my love.

[to_have_fun08]

Just take everything one day at a time. I know its hard and its unfair..Why can't anything be easy? . I had the same thoughts as your Dr. maybe their was two and you lost one. Hope tomorrow will be better.

[WeHaveHope]

Hello,
Thank you do much for all of yout posts. I just spoke to my RE again. The first time I was not able to contain the crying so I realy wasn't able to ask the questions I wanted to ask. Nothing has changed. The plan is still to have the Bea drawn again tomorrow. If there is a dramatic drop than it's all over. If there is a very slight decline, it kind of remains the same as today, or rises slightly then another Beta on Monday. I realy just wish we did not have to wait to know. The wait and the small amount of hope is driving me insane. I will be going in to work tomorrow. I cant spend another day at home stating at the walls waiting for the phonecall. It won't change anything anyways. Praying for a miracle but expecting the worst. It won't be easy. After trying to remain so realistic I had gotton my hopes up. Now I feel like all my hopes have been crushed.
We still have friaries but emotionally, I don't know what going to be next for us.

[WeHaveHope]

My dearest friends,
The last 24 hours have been the the darkest for me. My DH finally came home from work at about 5:45pm and we both laid down in our bed and cried together. Not to diminish the pain I went through with the last two BFN's but this has been so much more difficult for me. I guess, after the 1st BFN I made a subconscious decision to not get to emotionally involved. Very difficult I know but with the most recent BFN I was so disappointed but I was able to pick myself up quickly and jump right back in. I was disapointed but I don't think I cried like I did with the 1st BFN. I think I had mentally prepared myself just in case. This time I did the same. Even after the multiple positive HPT's I was in complete denial. I did not want to get overly attached to the idea. Then came the positive Beta and with such a strong number. I was actually more concerned with multiples than the possibility of loosing the pregnancy. Then the second Beta seemed to more than double. I think at this point I let the walls down and I became emotionally involved. I had been physically involved of course and I was so happy with the idea of our miracle or miracles that I could not imagine this feeling ever coming to an end. Yesterday was horrifying for me. When I saw the blood I didn't even know what to think. Then I got home and saw these two clots being expelled and in my heart I knew it was all over. I know my RE is hopeful, I know that my DH is hopeful, I know that others on this board are hopeful, and I know that others have experienced the same and now have a baby. But I felt pregnant yesterday, I felt pregnant last week, I don't feel pregnant today. I know it's strange at only 4 1/2 weeks to have felt pregnant but I did. I can't imagine not trying again with 6 frosties waiting for me and at the same time I can't imagine feeling this pain ever again. I know God has a plan. I have faith in that. I haven't lost my faith I am just so hurt and feel so out of control. But i know I never had control. I know that there has to be a reason for what has happened and I know I will probably never know what that reason is. And I know I have only gone through 3 cycles and what about those even on this board that are still trying after 6, 7, or 8 cycles. Or those that have MC much later. I shouldn't complain and I should see that my situation could be so much worse. And I am. I am grateful for what i have and realize that things could be worse. I am grateful and blessed for the wonderful, loving, and strong husband God has blessed me with. I am grateful and blessed to have known motherhood with my 12 1/2 year old son who is my life. And to have been blessed with a wonderful step-daughter and step-son. I know I am blessed. I just wanted to also be blessed with a tiny miracle or two that was a little part me and a little part my DH. In the end I know that us having or not having a baby does not define us or our relationship. In the end my DH and I are each others bestfriends and we will make it through this as we have everything else. In the end our faith and love will guide us an keep us together.
Thank you all for your kind posts, your words of wisdom, and hope. And most of all thank you all for your friendship. Even though we don't know each other in person I do consider each and everyone of you my friend and you all hold a very special place in my heart. I wish all of you the best am pray that all of your dreams come true.

[WeHaveHope]

My dearest friends,
I am on my iPhone so I will try an do personals a but later. Just wanted to let you know that, as I thought, the Beta came back even lower at 428 today. I sm officially at the end of this road and will stop all my meds today. May my little ones rest peacefully in the glory of God and the angles who visited me to let me know they were going to be safe.

I want to thank each and everyone of you for showing mr so much love and support. Thank you for always keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I love you all more than any words I can ever post on this board. I am eternally greatfull.

For those of you going through difficult times, don't give up hope. Stay focused in your dreams. Have faith that this difficult journey will lead to where it needs to lead each and everyone of us. It's not an easy journey, but I haven't given up and neither should you. My next cycle will hopefuly, God willing be sometime in October. I'll give you all more details later but I am thinking that maybe I should start a "Fall Cycle" board. Only thinking about it right now. We will see. I am officially leaving this board but will check on each and everyone if you from time to time.

Sending you all much love.

[becca5m]

WE, I am absolutely devastated for you. I am so so very sorry my friend. Your attitude is remarkable. I will be joining you on the fall cycle board. Let us continue this journey together.

[indigofire]

Hello strangers!!!

I needed to take a break from the whole infertility world over the summer for emotional reasons and also school was totally insane, and draining. I'm just finishing up my summer course and I have a little break then I start again on Sept 6.

I'm so happy to see our Feb March board still up. I haven't had a chance to go back through the posts to catch up on all of you. Congratulations to those who are now expecting. Love every second of your pregnancies! It truly is a blessing as we all know.

AFM - we had a white knight swoop in to save the day. A very close wealthy friend gave us $10,000 to pay for another cycle! How do you ever say thank you??? So I'm not moving to Quebec after all. We've decided to do another cycle with donor eggs this time as genetics mean nothing to us. We have an adopted daughter and she is just as much ours as if she was genetically ours. So the doctor said my best chance to get pregnant was DE. So that's what we're doing. I'm at the clinic for my day 2 visit. Expected retrieval is Sept 13 with a D3 transfer on Sept 16. I'm emotionally exhausted from my summer school placement and not sure if I have the emotional strength for this cycle, but the ball is rolling now and can't stop it. A part of me thinks that might be a good thing. I don't have the emotional energy to get obsessed, so whatever will be, will be. This will be our last attempt. Hoping for enough for a frozen cycle or two. But after this if it doesn't work then I think I need to put this dream to bed.

Keep

[indigofire]

Keeping my fingers crossed for everyone!

Indigo.

[indigofire]

Oh We!!!!

Just read your story of your journey. I am so so sorry. I love that your angels came to visit you. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. Why IF happens to any of us I'll never know. Why so much grief? Why so much pain?

Sending lots of love and healing energy your way.
Indigo.

[katieb1231]

Indigo - Happy to hear from you!!! I wondered what you were up to. Nice you were able to take the summer off and just relax and chill out! And I am so happy you had a friend who gave you the money....I want to win the lottery just so I can set up a charity for people seeking ART but can't afford it, it seems so sad to me that people have to give up on their dream because they can't afford it. Then you hear about all these people who just oops get pregnant and end up abusing or even killing their babies....really?? Anyways enough about that....we have put all ART on hold for us right now after my last MC in April we had given up and thought we will be happy with just the three of us and then Em's birth mom called us and said she was pregnant again and would we be interested in adopting again? OF COURSE!!!! So we have a little girl on the way due February 14th....for the time being I am tagging along on the pregnant after treatment boards since their wasn't really anywhere else for me to go and I have so many virtual friends there! Anyways I am thrilled you will be trying again and this is your time!!!! Can't wait to hear about your BFP!!! I am praying with every fiber of my being that this is it for you

[WeHaveHope]

Indigofire-I am so happy to hear from you. Afterthe failed FET I moved to the summer board and now after the MC I started the Fall Board in an attempt to move on. I really hope you will join us. I miss you and. Amso happy to hear that you have been given the opportunity for another try. God is truly great and miracles do happen everyday.

[BlissfulCS]

Indigo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great to have you back my old dear friend!

I gotta tell you, I was totally ambivalent this last cycle and it worked. I think there is something to be said for letting the obsessing go. I also went away to a 10 day graduate program during my 2ww. So from my perspective...being in school is a good luck charm! I am so happy that you found your white knight and I hope and pray you and the others will be joining us on the pregnancy board. All my best, love, and baby dust to you!

[to_have_fun08]

Indigo - YEY!! I am so happy you can continue. Maybe being busy will help not thinking about all the carp that goes on in a cycle. A donor egg cycle is also so much easier on your body, with no stims and less appointments. I felt so much better during my donor cycle. though the stress level was still there since this was the end of the road and we paid so much money. Keep us posted and I'll be stalking you in September.

[indigofire]

Hey ladies,

Again I disappeared...man school is keeping me running. So my lining check is good. Just waiting now for egg retrieval which is scheduled for around the 13th. I'll then go in on the 16th for embryo transfer. I have a crazy intensive starting tomorrow for 6 days straight. Then start shift work the week after. Hoping that timing works out and I don't have to call in 'sick' for any shifts.

Thanks for all of your support guys and congrats to all of those that have pregnancy tickers in their signatures. You're giving me inspiration.

Indigo.