Cycling In 2012 Board (formerly Fall/Winter 2011-2012)

[LYD10]

Hey guys - i am feeling a bit in teh dumps today as well. i just like having a plan and executing on it. and all this waiting is so hard. it really is the hardest. way harder then the stupid injections!!!!

i am going in for my beta tomorrow and hoping that it went down like it was supposed to and didnt do anything weird. i am also feeling really blue and have really strange food cravings. i hope this is due to my beta going in reverse. this reminds me a bit of my postpartum blues. but i cant really tell because that was a year and a half ago and i dont remember very well. in any case - i am craving chips and just lots of food. urgh....
i also hate not having a plan. i spoke with my doc today - who is so nice- and he told me that we will skip a cycle and then go with antagonist protocl if i want (and i want because it is shorter). the only thing i am confused about is which cycle we are skipping - the one i am on right now - or the next one. probably the next one. so that means more waiting. urgh. so tired of waiting. well at least the antagonist protocol is quick. he said we dont even have to do BCPs. which means stim right after AF, which is nice considering that i will then have to wait another 8 weeks to do a frozen transfer. so my next transfer is not till january most likely. urghhhhh! so long from now. very depressing.
but if we do go teh route of antagonist protocol and no BCPs then we'll definitely go for the frozen trasnfer - because those protocols are not good for endometrium.

[Cheri76]

WeHaveHope - Thanks for doing the dance for me. I certainly appreciate it. I will keep dancing for the other ladies too. I'm sorry that having to deal with the prolonged bleeding after the MC. Hopefully, it will clear itself up with AF, but like someone else said I have heard that a D&C can actually help the process. Cleaning out all the old stuff and making room for fresh new lining. I have seen it work for a couple of ladies on these boards. Thanks for updating my status. It looks perfect and I am still thinking twins too! A little BOGO after all this mess would be awesome! Im a sucker for a good sale.

Anton - I love your fierce passion for everyone on this board and the Summer Board, also. Even across the sea, you can tell that the people you have met here have touched you deeply. If we all showed each other the same compassion that you do then this world would be a happier place. I know that its sooo hard to be away from DH when you are about to face such an upward battle, but hopefully we can be here for you whenever you need someone to lean on. Its great that you have a strong support network at home also. Having friends and family close by that can make you smile and distract you from all the craziness certainly helps. You inspired me to make my hubby a good meal the last couple of nights. You were talking about making a roast beef and potatoes and I went home and made the very same thing. He was delighted so thanks for the inspiration!!

Sunshine - Glad that you were encouraged by my words. Like I told WeHaveHope, there are days where I will need it and I know that I can count on everyone here. This is the forum to express everything that is hard to express everywhere else. There really is no one who understands quite the same way that we understand each other. Don't every apologize for feeling down or venting. There is no such thing as a Debbie Downer on these boards. Its exactly what they are here for.

Toniaa - Congrats on starting the meds. Once that part happens, everything else just flies by. You are staying in touch with your RE, pretty much daily after that so it makes you feel so close to achieving your dream. Sending lots of positive vibes your way for a successful stim!!

Leora - Im thinking of you girl and hoping that the Provera does the trick. I think that the idea of a long vacay in Europe sounds amazing regardless and you should go even if you are pregnant. Where are you thinking of going? Any special place in particular?

LYD - I don't believe we have cycled together before, but we have similar stories. Glad you are on here joining us! You mentioned that the anagonist protocol is bad for the endometrium and I had not heard that before? Do you happen to know why? I have a feeling that I am going to be placed on this protocol this Fall and I didn't hear that I would need to freeze for better chances.

AFM - nothing new here... 1st day of AF is always rough, but glad to see her this time. I hope that everyone is doing better this evening. The rough days can be really rough and if it werent for the support we receive on this board, it would be even harder. Does anyone mind sharing their real first name and maybe adding a picture? If it makes you uncomfortable, of course there is no need and I totally understand. I sometimes feel weird using the nicknames when I start feeling so close to people. Up to every individual though.

[WeHaveHope]

Cheri-thankbyoubsobmuch for your uplifting words. I have a realy strong feeling about this twin thing for you. From my mouth to God's ears, my father used to say. Praying tha this Fall brings you twice a's many miracles.

Anton-thank you for always being there. Although, I don't realy like the idea of cycling again, there is no one I would rather be with in this journey. I pray that the next board we are on together is the pregnant after IVF board. Although maybe we can start our own a give it a catchier name

Sunshine-hope your feeling better this evening. Please don't appologize for feeling down. It's all part of this rollercoaster we are on. I recall you being there to pick me up a few weeks ago when I was completely down in the gutter. Well, we are here for you. Please remember that. I pray that this evening bring peace to your heart that you wake up feeling better tomorrow, like a ray of sunshine.

Toniaa-congratulations again on starting your meds. Like Cheri said, it all goes pretty fast after this. You'll be PUPO before you know it. So excited for you!

Leora-I am doing the AF dance for you from now. I want to make sure that AF comes for you right after day 5 of Provera. Please know that you are always in my prayers. You have so much love to give. I just know that this Fall is going to bring you your miracle.

LYD-I am not to familiar with the different protocols. As many questions a's I have asked that has not been one of them. But it sounds like you have some realy good information and a very good plan in place. This Fall is going to be the cycle for you. I hope your feeling better. Keep me posted on your results. Know that I am praying for you.

EOE-I know I have missed some on the board and I appologize. I am actualy typing this entire board in my iPhone, not an easy task, trust me. Please know that even though I may not have specifically mentioned you that you are in my thoughts and my prayers before o go to bed every night.

AFM-feeling a little better, I guess. I felt a little crampy yesterday and today. I think that after that extra week of BCp my body is finally say, hay enough already AF is overdue. At least that what I think it's trying to tell me. In anycase, tonight is my last BCP. AF usualy comes 2 to 3 days later, maximum, however I do recall waiting 11 days with the FET prior that was a BFN. You just never know these days, when you don't want AF to come there she is and when you do she manages to keep you waiting. Right now I am trying real hard to shift my focus from wanting to have the FET on 9-30 to wanting to have the FET when my body is ready, whenever that may be. It's very hard for me. I am one who prefers to be in contr and this is one journey in which I am very clearly not the driver. In reality I know that I am not the driver in many situations but I'd like to believe I am. I feel very out of my element in not being able to control some aspect of this journey. It's rough, that all I can say. I feel like I tried so hard to remain detached from the feelings duringthis last cycle. So much so that I was a bit in denial when I say the positive HPT. I didn't even tell DH until the positive Beta. Bit to get so close seems so unfair. I know, who am o to judge what's fair anyways. I just want this to happen so bad!!! Well that it for my venting tonights. Enough of that. It's in Gods hands. Wishing you all a peaceful evening an sending you all much love tonight.

[Sunshine1576]

All we can do is pray and for the ones who say they don't pray I'm still going to pray for you too. Like I said before I'm not an overly religious individual but I do have faith and believe all things are possible through Him. It's the only certainity we have to keep us from falling apart. Sometimes life can throw us some uncertainities but it's how we react back and plan for the future that holds us together. I feel right now I'm in a funk because I haven't been given a definate plan for our next cycle. I'm trying to focus on serenity but also thinking a soothing massage might be calling our name. Something about having a plan always gives each of us new hope, but right now I think another yoga class or even a day spa might be calling our names. Ahhhhhhhhh maybe even a foot rub from dh.

[WeHaveHope]

All we can do is pray and for the ones who say they don't pray I'm still going to pray for you too. Like I said before I'm not an overly religious individual but I do have faith and believe all things are possible through Him. It's the only certainity we have to keep us from falling apart. Sometimes life can throw us some uncertainities but it's how we react back and plan for the future that holds us together. I feel right now I'm in a funk because I haven't been given a definate plan for our next cycle. I'm trying to focus on serenity but also thinking a soothing massage might be calling our name. Something about having a plan always gives each of us new hope, but right now I think another yoga class or even a day spa might be calling our names. Ahhhhhhhhh maybe even a foot rub from dh.

Ditto!!! Very well said. And I am always ready for the next massage. Maybe this weekend??? Or I could always have DH rub my back a little. I always enjoy that too. Not sure that he enjoys it as much as I do but he never says no.

[JenMink55]

Happy Thursday friends! Wow, this board moves FAST!

Leorira- First, I want to say I am so sorry about the boys. I was following your story for the days following their birth and my heart just prayed so hard and hurt so bad for you. I am SO GLAD to by cycling with you again and I hope so much you get your rainbow baby on this cycle. You are so deserving of this miracle my friend. Hope the Provera isn't too yucky, that stuff made me wanna hurl! I am super sensitive to meds though so that was probably just me LOL Here is to your rainbow!

Maria- THANKS for adding me to the roll call, makes me feel like I am making progress I really hope you don't end up having to do a D & C, I will be praying this issue resolves itself for you. Hang in there!

Fruit!!! My old friend, I am so glad to see you again!! Are you cycling again?

Anton!!! SMILEY QUEEN! So glad to see you and honored to be cycling with you again! THIS WILL BE OUR CYCLE!!!!!!!!!! Miracles happen, I just saw Moorebaby got a BFP-- there is so much hope !!!

LYD10-- I def think your making the right decision with an FET. I just KNOW we will both get pregnant. I am not even willing to waste my embabies on a Fresh cycle because it never works. If you remember I did PGD with my last cycle and transferred two perfect girl embies, neither took. The only thing I can blame it on is a fresh transfer... wish so badly I would have transferred them via FET but you can't turn back time! By the way, my FET will most likely be late Dec/Jan so I think we will be transferring around the same time! Baby Dust to both of us!

Rosie84-- Welcome to the group!!! I can tell you from experience we have some fantastic girls on our board! Sounds like you have been through some heartache, I can relate. I wish you the best of luck for your cycle!

Sunshine1576- Hey girlie. I have often found myself praying to God to give me my miracle. It's so hard to accept at times that this process may never work. We can't give up hope though! Miracles happen everyday and we are due ours!


Cheri76-- Thanks for that inspirational post, needed it today. Everything you say is so true. There is an quote that comes to mind, not sure who said it but it goes something like: God never gives us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't think I could handle so much. It's something like that... there are days I feel that way !! Anyway-- keep those positive posts going! The deeper I get into my cycle the more I need to read posts like this.

AFM-- Just sitting here waiting for my BFF AF to show. Not due until Sept 12th but I want her to come so we can get this party started!!! So here are some AF dances for me and anybody else who needs it!! LOL








XOXO Jennifer

[LYD10]

hi Cheri - i didnt mean to scare you about the antagonist protocol. i think its fine for the endometrium. its just that i tend to overstim and my E2 tends to get high - and that's bad for receptivity. so as long as your E2 is in the correct range you will be fine and a lot of women get pregnant even with super high E2. but for me i think its best if they first concentrate on getting the eggs out - and dont worry about E2 so much - and then concentrate on transfer.

Jen - the way things are looking my retrieval will be in november and transfer back in january. so we will be on same schedules!!! here is to both of our BFPs and everyone's BFPs on this board. BTW, does this mean we will have to then transition to the winter board ?

[Tamera]

Hi all, wow this board has been busy, I feel like I am so far behind. Anton I had no idea about that part of your countries history, I had only read somewhere that there was this imaginary line that split the country in two. It is a favorite hot spot for Americans living here for holiday. I can't wait to see it. I will be coming alone for the first week, would be great to meet for a coffee. Then my husband will be joining me for the second week during retrieval etc, then we will be flying home together.

Lyd10 I know what you mean about not having a plan, I have one but mine is still 2 months out, so the waiting is driving me nuts. I made this decision back in Jan/Feb, but because of financial reasons can not push forward until November. So I feel like I have been waiting forever. We originally wanted to adopt and when we looked into it further realized it was going to cost about $30,000 for an international adoption (for the age group we wanted). My husband an I very much want to have a son and we could love a child that is not ours biologically as much as one that is. Just the cost and uncertainty with adoption made us look at IVF. We will try one time since I am getting older and if it doesn't work we will re evaluate our options. We both know our need to have a son will be accomplished some day, we just have to keep faith.

I hope everyone is having a good week, I am following each of your stories closely and can't wait when each of you get a BFP's.

[Sunshine1576]

Tamara,
I have to chime in but I know aht you mena about adoption agencies. I wonder why they have to cost so darn much for a baby? I mean we are the ones who would love them unconditionally more then anyone! Also I have afriend who is trying to adopt and she is going in circles with her agencies and she just read about a lawsuit with this agencies (Heart by Heart) I will find the article and post it here this weekend. Since she read about that she and her husbacnd are looking at another agency. My coworkers daughter is also trying to adopt and they thought everything was going to fall into place with the baby in Arizona but then the biological mother backed out the day before! I could only imagine what she is going through! So adoption seems way to expensive AND complicated which brings me to trying fertility meds once again. I am certainly going to be praying that God will open some doors with us and we will start a family in 2012. xooxo Christy

[akdelp]

Crashing again! Life is crazy busy for me...keeps my mind off the wait!

Anton! Hello! Love how you are always happy! Speaking of, did you ever find Happy?

I am thrilled that Morrebaby got a BFP!!!!! So happy for her!!!!

New Gals: Welcome! These ladies are the best for support!

AFM - can't wait for my FET. I feel so much better mentally, physically, everything. Although, I did almost have a melt down yesterday....over a deer I saw get hit. Love the drugs!

[LYD10]

hi everyone -

went in for my beta this morning. hoping it will go down as expected so i can start my next cycle.

feeling slightly better today. i've been spotting all wekend and maybe now my AF has finally come. maybe that's why my hormones have been so crazy. but my food cravings seem to be subsiding and i am feeling a bit better. so hopefully that means that things are moving in the right direction.

i guess i am coming to terms with the wait. as long as my beta shows decline in numbers today - i'll be happy.

i went to pick up fertility suppliments for DH from the clinic and we chatted about schedules a bit. Looks like november for me for retrieval - as i already posted i think. just have to make sure thanksgiving is not an issue as the clinic is closed then. but think it will happen before that hopefully. we'll see. we are trying to avoid BCPs - as it just adds extra waiting time for me - but without BCPS they dont have as much control over timing patients. so hopefully i can do it without BCPs and still avoid thanksgiving holiday. since i am only retrieving i dont think it will be a problem much.

hope everyone is doing good!!!!!!!!!!

[leorira11]

Cheri - I hear ya! I keep telling myself that this will be so much easier if I relax and not get my expectation and hopes so high -- but of course I'm super emotionally invested in this! I'm not doing this because I want to, I'm doing this because I want a baby - so when that doesn't happen, it's super stressful. I've been trying meditation with my therapist and it REALLY helps me relax. I'm hoping I can keep up with the relaxing during the waiting!

- as for our vacation, I won't be allowed to leave the country if I get pregnant (my OB allows me to fly under 15 weeks or so, but I absolutely cannot get medical insurance coverage if I leave!) -- so hoping for no vacation! I don't care where we go, so we'll call up a travel agent and see what 'last minute' deals we can get. Last year, we went to Rhodes, Greece for the weekend 'last minute' and paid soooo little. (IIRC, just $500 or so for both of our flights including hotel with half board.) Eastern Europe is much cheaper (and closer - I hate long flights!) so probably Prague, or Budapest, or Bucharest. Most Americans think of Europe as mostly Western Europe, but Eastern Europe is much cheaper and there are tons of things to see!

Christy - everyone is a 'debbie downer' at some point - this all sucks but we are here for each other. I'm glad you are feeling better this week. Hurray for country music songs! I have quite a few favorites (a few written about infertility in particular -- look up on YouTube the music video for Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die for That" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQand I also love the Dixie Chicks song "So Hard" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBj0ZobEVVA(2 of the 3 Dixie Chicks had to do IVF for their kids)).

-- and this is what I'd like to say to everyone who asks how we are doing since losing the boys - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt_1CyxMVh0 Shania Twain's "It only hurts when I'm breathing"

(can you tell I'm really into music? I love all kinds of music! For those who don't know, I'm also an amateur opera singer - we just started rehearsals for this season's shows.)

LYD - when I tell people what it's like to go through the IVF (all the drugs and how crazy they make me, the constant bw/us visits, injections, etc) they think that it sounds so hard and crazy -- I wish I knew how to explain that the drugs, clinic visits and injections are NOTHING compared to the emotional agony of waiting (which is what IVF is constantly! Waiting to start, waiting to see how you respond to stims, waiting to see how many embryos, waiting for transfer, waiting for beta, etc). I would do 10 injections a day happily if I knew that it would work. I would do a hundred clinic visits if I knew it would work -- the waiting and not knowing is the absolutely hardest part. <big hugs>

Maria - you can wait a few days for the AF dance Usually I get AF 3-4 days after stopping the Provera, so I'm finishing on Saturday and hoping to see AF on Tues or Wed! You'll tire yourself out doing a AF dance for that long! I'm sorry you are in limbo a little bit - I hate not knowing what is going on with my hormones and my body and when to expect AF. I've realize that Oct 25 may have been abit too 'optimistic' of me and more likely, we'll have the FET around the 30th. But I'm trying to relax, and like you said, it'll happen when it happens.

Jen - thanks. Losing the boys so horrific. I'm so terrified of not carrying to term again next time. All of the loss shit (our first twins at 22 weeks, our singleton at 10 weeks last year and now the boys) is incredibly difficult WITHOUT the added stress of the infertility.... I hope I get my rainbow baby too... Everyone I know thinks that I deserve a baby --- I wish there was a way to petition God - I'm sure I could get a thousand people who know me to sign a petition saying we deserve a baby! But alas, that's now how it works...

Tamera - I also live in a divided country/city (Jerusalem Israel) and people are always surprised to hear how normal life is here. Cyprus is a popular vacation destination from here too -- maybe we should all meet up in Cyprus
- and I hate when people say "can't you just adopt?" Honestly, if we could adopt a healthy, newborn baby, we would do that in an instant. Adoption is such a difficult (and expensive!) route. Of course, we may end up there one day, but for now the IVF is cheaper and easier (which isn't saying much!)

akdelp - hi! We don't officially know each other, but I was stalking the Summer Board and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you are feeling good about starting a FET!

AFM - job interview today went REALLY well -- I would love the job, so I'm really hoping I get it. Fingers crossed! I have another interview at a different place on Sunday - so the job search seems to be working. I'd love to stop interviewing and start working though!

There was talk on a different board about doing endometrial biopsies in the month before a transfer to help with implantation rates -- this theory/process was pioneered at my clinic by my doctor. It hasn't been clinically proven yet, but I was offered a biopsy for my last cycle in Jan/Feb. I got pregnant but of course thereis no way to know if the biopsy helped or not.... in any case, I've decided that I'm interested in doing it again this cycle - it can't hurt, right? So I go for pipelle endometrial biopsies on CD10 and CD21 of this BCP cycle. I know they hurt like hell (the worst procedure of this whole experience!) but I can't NOT doing something that might help!

have a great weekend, y'all!

[LYD10]

hi everyone!

Hey Leora - thanks for the shout out on the waiting. I know - that is defintiely the hardest!!!! all the shots and visits are incovenient but are not a big deal - at least you are doing something! the waiting is the worst. i hate that i wish months of my life away. i wish it was january already.

OK - i got some official news from my doc. so my beta went down but not significanlty. from 3700 to 3200. i guess the good news is that it didnt go up - so not an ectopic. yey! what he wants to do is wait for another week and see if i start bleeding more. i've only had light bleding so far. the hope is i miscarry on my own. If the beta doesnt move much next wednesday then we'll do D&C. we would like to avoid a D&C if possible, but we'll see in a week. Once my beta goes down to zero - then i'll get another AF and then i'll take a cycle off on BCPs. we decided to use BCPs afterall to avoid cycts and any potential delays to the cycle. So, after the cycle off I'll start stims on day 3 - and use bravelle and menopur. i used to use follistim and menopur but now we are switching to bravelle (same FSH active ingredient) and menopur and this will allow me to mix the two together and thus save a shot. follistim and menopur couldnt be mixed together - so it was 2 shots. Also, he said he has coupons for bravelle he can give me to save some money.
so still targeting november for retrieval and transfer as soon as possible thereafter - i am guessing january.

[leorira11]

I'm incredibly nauseated -- we were at the supermarket and I kept gagging when I thought about food -- if I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant --- can this be a side effect of the progesterone? I've never felt this bad before, but I'm on a slightly different drug this time (Primulot instead of Provera).

[LYD10]

Oh my god - as soon as i posted i got new information coming in. My embryologyst who is also very much involved in the decision process and works closely with my OBGYN ( they are in different offices - monitoring happens at OB; and ER and ET at the embryologyst's office) - well she just got back from long weekend and got my email and replied. And i called her back and we had a long chat. Anyway, she feels that for my age group and responce type lupron is the better cycle to go with. higher pregnancy rates in the literature. so we discussed it for a good 15 minutes. my choices are - the way i see it - is do a lupron protocol which adds ANOTHER month and a fresh transfer or do an antagonist protocol and frozen transfer. she thinks that for me the two choices are almost equivalent but she was preferring lupron protocol over antagonist for me. the thing is i cant do lupron and a frozen transfer - that's too much waiting - now i am into february for the transfer. so that's why with lupron i would do a fresh transfer. she feels and she was very honest with me that i should count my ectopic as a succesful fresh transfer pregnancy. and the only reason it ended up in the tube is because the embryos were placed too far into the uterus. it was very nice of her to say that - because that means they are basically taking responsibility upon themselves - her, the OB and the assistant. But i dont blame them - we are all doing the best we can - and this is my OB's first ectopic in 100s of transfers! And since then they've been so careful not to push the cathedar too far into the uterus. I am glad she shared this with me because i need this info to make a decision going forward.

so i left a long message with my OB telling him the conversation i had with the embryologyst (except for the cathedar going too far in part of course, he knows it himself) and asking him to chime in on the choice between the 2 approaches. i imagine he will probably touch base with my embryologyst and will call me back after they had a chance to talk. i told him that i am 51%/49% between lupron with fresh and antagonist with frozen. Lupron with fresh would actually be faster to transfer. i would be transfering in december. antagonist with frozen i would be transfering in january. and i also told them that we are going to do 2 more cycles and then call it quits. So if the first attempt doesnt work then we'll do the opposite on the 2nd attemtpt. But I would like to choose the right attempt now so that i dont have to go to the 2nd attempt!!!!!
this is the hardest part about IVF, isnt it? - Aganozing over decisions and waiting.
but i am glad i am getting some things clear in my mind - like 2 more attempts and calling it quits. so the first attempt will take place in nov/jan and if that doesnt work then the next attempt will take place in spring/summer. and one way or another we'll be done by summer. Either pregnant or content that we've tried everything we could to have baby #2 and it didnt work. There you go i have the first year of my 40s all planned out. I am turning 40 this december and i guess will be transfering right around my birthday at least i think i have it planned out. the truth is - something unexpected always happens. i am planning on being pretty aggressive as far as how many embryos to trasnfer. so far my success rate has been 1 out of 5 3 day embies. so i am planning to transfer 5 3 day embies ( if i ahve that much). so the unexpected thing is i get pregnant with twins and then god forbid lose them both - like very sadly it happened to a number of ladies on this board (i am so sorry Leora ). but what else can i do? i've trasnferred 14 embryos so far and got 1 pregnancy and 1 ectopic. my rate is less than 1 out of 5. that's why i want to transfer 5. these decisions are hard, arent they.

my doc just called back in the middle of me typing - he said lets wait to decide. we first have to bring the HCG down - either naturally or with D&C. he said lets deal with that first then we can think about what protocol to choose. probably a very smart decision. i am a planner so i like to plan - but the problem with planning too early is that you end up changing your mind a gazillion times.
so i am going to focus on next wendesday (my next HSG measurement) and hopefully have lots of bleeding until then so that i can miscarry on my own.