Cycling In 2012 Board (formerly Fall/Winter 2011-2012)

[moorebaby]

WeHaveHope- I'm so truly sorry for what you & DH have to go through again! There are just no words. My heart breaks for you. I wish there was something I could do. This is all just so unfair. You deserve this so much. You have been nothing but patient & positive. Take all the time you need to regroup & move forward which ever way this journey will take you. You will be supported. Please know that I am thinking of you!

[moorebaby]

Lauren319- Sorry I haven't posted earlier, but I am stalking you like crazy girl! I am glad things are looking good & really hope they continue to only get better!

[LYD10]

WE - i am so sorry. i dont understand how this could have happened either. when do you get to talk to your RE and find out what happened? i am really sorry! this sucks so bad.

[Sunshine1576]

WeHaveHope, I know there are no words that can make everything ok, you have gone through so much it's heartbreaking, please know we are ALL thinking of you during this sad time. I wish there was something we could do, but I am sending you a virtual hug and prayers for you and dh. Sometimes we don't understand the reason things happen the way they do, but we do know if it's something we feel strongly about we don't give up. I know you have given all of us here so much strength and picked us up when we are falling, but it's friends like you who keep us going, we hope to you know how much you are loved. We are here if and when you may need someone to talk to, we will continue to listen and be there any way we can!
WIth Very Much Love and Support,
Christy

[WeHaveHope]

Dear fiends,

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of the love you have shown me and your prayers. I'm a bit at a loss for words. After hearing that the ultrasound showed the gestational sac that was there just yesterday, today was gone and that my Beta had gone from 4236 to 1,721 all I've been able to do is cry, stop crying, an then cry again. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I'm so confused. I feel even numb at times. I feel all this pain and emotion yet feel guilty at the same time for even feeling this way. There are so many on this board who have no children or have lost their children after giving birth to them. And I feel like, who am I to feel the way I do? I'm blessed, aren't I??? But today, right now, at this very moment, I don't feel so blessed. How selfish can I be? I feel so emotionally on the edge and of course my plummeting hormones don't help my situation. How can this happen to us twice in a row. I feel sometimes like God is punishing me or us for something we've done in our lives. I haven't always been true to God, I know I've done wrong in my life, so am I being punished? How terrible a thing for me to say, but I feel like that sometimes. So God, please forgive me now for the way I feel. Is this just the plan that God has for me? Am I not allowed to have a little imput. I just wanted a little precious gift that was a bit me and a bit DH. I have a son and two step children, I know. And I am grateful, I am. But I also desired another child. I feel so lost in a sea of my own bitterness, anger, frustration, and utter sadness. I could just drown in it if I didn't have the family I have which I love so much.

I spoke to my RE already. As always he is so wonderful with me. He talked, I cried. Options, I don't know how much more my heart and soul can endure. DH too. DH had been talking to my belly for weeks. As much as we both did not want to get too close we did. And our hearts have been shattered. RE says he has no idea what has happened. Everything was going as it should and then this, twice now. RE says that most of the time issues like this are due to chromosomal problems. But once again no way to know because there is nothing to send to the lab gor genetic testing. So we are once again left with more questions then answers. RE is considering a D&C for the purposes of doing an endometrial biopsy. With the pain that DH and i have gone through in the past year I don't think we will be ready to try again for a while. I have put everything on hold for IVF. I put advancing my nursing career on hold, exercising, and so many other things. All the focus has been on pills, injections, suppositories, and patches. I don't want a break because I feel like I may never get back in but I can't see myself getting back in now.

I want you all to know that although we have never met I love you all very much. You all have given me more than I could ever think of giving back. I truly appreciate everything that you all have done for me, the love an support you have given me, and the friendships I've made. I promise you I will continueto update the Roll Call for all of you. You all deserve that of me and so much more. Sending you all my love and gratitude.

Love,

Maria

[Sunshine1576]

We- This is breaking my heart too, even though we never have met I feel a connection on this board with you. I am truly lost for words but I do know your perservance and strength on here will continue to bring hope for you. I will continue praying that God will indeed open a door and help you see the light at the end of this tunnel.
With Much Love,
Christy

[Lauren319]

Ester - hey you! I miss seeing your posts all the time! How are you feeling?

Ninde - ugh. Termite hell. The Orion man is coming on Friday to temporarily put some foam stuff in the wall, but I have a meeting on Wednesday with a realtor because I don't know that o can ever get that image out of my head and if I'm gonna pack my stuff up to tent at a later date, I'm just gonna move. I used to work as a case worker in ny for children of 9/11 who had lost a family member - I say caseworker instead of social worker because my masters degree is in forensic psych and not social work. My focus had to seriously remain on not burning out. A support system was key to that and you guys have been the best on this journey. Good luck with the workshop.

Kat - have a good trip!

Maria - oh, my heart aches for you. There's so much I want to say, but I know that none of it will help. The only thing I can do is assure you that I'm here for you. Right now i know that all you wanna do is cry and you should cry your eyes out! Throw things! Do whateer it takes dont apologize to me or god or anyone else for being angry theres no guilt involved just because your life is better than others doesntmea you cant feel as though it sucks sometimes. Its entirely fairto have a pity party if im invited, I'll come too. When/if you're ever ready to discuss your options, I'm more than willing to go back and forth with you about what to do as well. Hugs.

[bodie1011]

WE I'm so sorry. In the short time I've known you, you have such a big heart for everyone, and I wanted this to work so much for you. I've had 3 tries at this and 3 MC and the only thing I can think to say is that time heals. I'm here for you.

[dogzrule]

We, I am so sorry and so heartbroken for you. This is not a punishment from God. I don't know what it is, but it is okay to scream and cry and be angry and grieve. I wish there were words honey...

[fvrogers]

Maria -- I am at such a loss for words. You definitely do not deserve this. I can only imagine the emotions you are feeling. Sometimes God just has a different plan - although we cannot always understand it. I am sending hugs and support ...

Felicia

[blessed143]

We- Maria- I am so so so sorry. I dont even know what to say other than I am here for you and I am praying for you. By no means is this your fault. God is not punishing you. God gives us trials and even as awful as they can be we pull through them. I am so sorry. I wish that they had more answers for you and a reason for why things keep happening. Please know that we are here for you. I am going to be praying for you and thinking about you. I have valued your friendship and your kind words. I understand the want to take time off. Please dont go to far away. I want to know that you are doing ok. I hope that you are surrounded by DH and people that love you both. I know that regardless of what you have the want for more children with the man you are married too does not make it selfish or anything, Dont ever think that what you are feeling is wrong and dont down play it. I know that you are full of emotions and there is nothing wrong with that. You do what you need to do to morn and help yourself. Please know that we are here for you and I pray that you are ok.

Much love!

Amanda
(blessed143)

[becca5m]

we - I am so so very sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

[kala0704]

We-im so sorry...there are no words but we are all crying with you. Im praying for you and dh! You are a beautiful, strong person...and God is carrying you right now.

[blueeyedreamer]

Maria, I'm so sorry this has happened. My heart aches for you and your dh. It's very difficult to move thru the pain. I know you will and you will be stronger. Take comfort in your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Acknowledge them. Acknowledge the pain. Heal in the love you share with your dh. Hugs to you.

[blueeyedreamer]

Update for roll call. My beta will be 10/23, not the 26th. It's a Sunday appt at 9:30am PST. I will have the results later that day.